In memorium
Beloved space momma. Has it really been three years already? Three years since we lost your cantankerous spirit, your no-nonsense outlook on life?
I remember the day the news broke. I remember looking at the article and saying to my friend ‘no, it can’t be true, they’re lying. She’s our princess, we can’t have lost her’. And then the tributes came pouring in... it had, indeed, been true and that’s when I felt heartbreak so severe I couldn’t drive home. I was in pieces, it took half an hour for me to calm down enough so I could drive. I lost my role model that day. My princess, my general, the one woman I looked up to beyond all others.
She was more than an actress, she was a kindred spirit. I’ve struggled with my mental health since I was 12 or 13 years old; it’s been so long I can’t remember the first time I first felt so unbelievably low, unwanted. But the way Carrie spoke out about her struggles, spoke about her own mental health, it struck a chord with me. Every time I looked at my medication, hesitant to take it because I was in denial (I couldn’t fathom that I had sunk so low that I’d need tablets to make me feel better), I’d hear a voice in my head saying ‘take those fucking tablets, you silly girl! They’ll help!’ It was Carrie’s voice, supporting me.
Throughout the years, through the breakdowns, the tears, the self-harming, I could hear her in my head, saying that it would be better. ‘It’s always darkest just before the dawn’. It’d remind me to take my medication, go to my counselling sessions, push to find balance.
Sounds stupid, but without that little voice, I probably wouldn’t be here, I would have given up a long time ago. But every time I felt like giving in, I’d think ‘what would Carrie do?’
She’d pull her socks up and get on with it, and fuck upsetting anyone, she’d do it her way.
Without Carrie, I would have succumbed to the darkness a long time ago. To me, she was my saviour. I’ll never forget her, never forget just what she means to me.
I love you space momma. Lord I wish you were here, but like they always say, ‘the best flowers get picked first’ ♥️♥️♥️♥️
“Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.”
