3 little stories
Jumping on the "Humans are Weird" and "Space-Australia" bandwagon. The Commander was exhausted. It had been a long and frustrating search, but Xe had finally found where the hidden human outpost was located. Xe was determined to collect the Biologist that xe had been told was there, to help xis forces against this hellish-hole of a planet. Xis shuttle was just arriving, when xe saw one of the primitive human air vehicles depart, it’s propellers spinning. “Shoot it down”, Xe ordered, and hooted softly in pleasure as xe watched the wreckage fall from the sky. Xis troops would go out to collect the humans later. As the shuttle landed, the Commander stepped out into the brisk breeze of the mountains. “Where are the humans?” Xe wanted to get this over with. Being on the planet was bad enough, but being outside, that was too much. Xe followed the local troop leader into the cave, and saw the humans were arranged for him to address them. “Where is the By-awl-o-just?” Xe demanded. Xe could see one of the humans letting water out of her eyes. Xe remembered that this water was called tears, and humans would shed them for a multitude of reasons. “You! Why do you tear?” Xe scowled down to the female. “He’s dead. He was on the plane you shot down.” She let out a sob. “You killed him.” “How can he be dead? He flew away from the wreckage.” “He didn’t have a parachute!” The woman cried out. “How could he “fly” away?” The commanders stomachs tightened. This was not going as expected, and xe began to feel a sense of dread. “Your people have jets, he flew away.” Xe stated again, this time not as confidently. “What are you talking about?” The woman was shaking her head in despair. “We can’t do that. We don’t have personal jetpacks.” “Yes, you do. Or we would have tractored your plane instead of shooting it down. Your transmissions show personal jets worn by all humans, to take you where you wish to go.” Xe motioned to his senior advisor, who produced a flim from one of the transmissions. “You see?”. The woman looked at the picture in horror, then at him. Her expression said it all, and xe felt xis stomachs tighten even more. “That’s a kids cartoon!!! We’re not the Jetsons!!!!” She cried out. --------------------------------------------------- The Commander stood outside in the wind, observing his troops ready the shuttles for launch. “Hey man, I wouldn’t let them do that if I were you. Storm’s coming.” Glancing to the side, the Commander saw the lone human his troops had been able to capture. “What do you know, human? You are nothing but a weatherman.” The Commander turned away in disgust. Could they have found a zookeeper? A Biologist? No. They found one of the most useless humans on the planet. He had no concept of any of the animals, and had only shrugged when asked about dangerous animals. His reply had been that he knew weather, not wildlife. “Ok, but dude, seriously, don’t let them take off. Not yet. Wait til the storm passes.” “Be gone with you. I will not have you try to stop the mission with your fears. These are the finest shuttles in our fleet. They can fly into atmospheres of toxic planets, they can perform in all types of your Earth weather.” “Dude, you’re in Alberta. You don’t know our weather.” “Go!” The Commander shouted in frustration at the human. The human shrugged, and turned away. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” was his parting remark. The next day, the Commander sat staring in disbelief as the reports came in. Over 10 shuttles destroyed, more than 40 of his troops killed in the crashes, or in dealing with the animal lifeforms as they tried to make it back to base. Only a handful of survivors had stumbled in late in the day, with stories that chilled the listeners to the bone. “Bring me the human.” The Commander demanded. A few minutes later, the human came into his office. “How did you know?” The commander lifted the reports and let them fall to his desk. He knew the human understood his meaning, as the news of the crashes were widespread on the base. “And why did you not say anything?” “But I did tell you there was a storm coming. I looked at all the weather reports your people would let me look at, and I knew it was going to be a bad one. I mean, I’ve been doing this for over a decade, I knew it’d be bad.” “But what caused our ships to crash?!!” “Oh, that was probably microbursts. They’re like little mini tornados. They happen suddenly, high winds, mostly downdrafts. Seriously, humans have messed up our weather pretty bad, what with Climate Change and all. Now you guys come in, and start with the invasion and all? That messed things up even more.” “But…but, you are just a weatherman! How could you know!” The commander was in despair. He would be demoted for losing so many troops and so many shuttles in one standard troop deployment. How was he to explain this to his superiors? The human’s back straightened, a look of insult appearing on his face. “I’m not just a weatherman, I’m a Meteorologist. I study the weather!” ---------------------------------------------------- Captain Shintayais was so frustrated. He had heard of the wonderful race called Humans, and was determined to hire one for his ship. Their known habit of pack bonding with the crew along with their seeming miraculous ability to create amazing feats of wonder out of thin air that saved the ship and crew were almost legendary. He wanted one for his ship, but the only one who was available for hire on this backwater space station was one with a profession called “secretary”. How was this useful to him? He needed an engineer, or an exo-biologist. Not a being who filed files. But he supposed the pack-bonding instinct would be worthwhile none-the-less, so he agreed to hire her. Human-Sarah was coming aboard tomorrow. “Why do you come to space with such a profession as secretary?” He asked her when she arrived at the ramp. “I wanted to go to space, see the Universe. But I’m not comfortable with people’s lives depending on my decisions, like Engineers do. I am, however, good with numbers, and files and spreadsheets, and,” The woman began, almost trying to justify her existence. Interrupting her, the captain tried to put a human like smile on his face, “That is fine. Welcome aboard.” After all, he had not hired her for her talents, more for her human instincts. A few months later, Captain Shintayais was having a beverage with a fellow captain he had known since they had both achieved their pilot licences. “You must hire a Secretary, you must!” He stated so emphatically, hitting the table with his third hand, the first holding his beverage and the second and fourth collecting food from the plate they shared. “Why do you say this? You once told me you wanted an engineer for your ship, why now a secretary?” His long-time friend was confused. “How can a ship-member who only files be of any use on a spaceship?” “She files, yes, but she also finds lost files and has improved all our computer systems!! We have found lost cargo, cargo that was placed in safe places and then forgotten about. She found them when she asked where everything was stored so she could create her spreadsheets. She writes contact speeches for me that has improved my relations with our trading partners. Because of the spreadsheets and the improved contacts, my profits have increased over 30% in one squeg!!!! Morale is the highest it’s been in nedars! Engineers might be useful, but if you want to see a profit, get yourself a secretary!!!!”
