SEPTEMBER EVAL - DANCE !
CHOI JINRI, new and improved independent woman !
dancing to: if i’m lucky by jason derulo ! ( 0:00-1:15 )
jinri is honestly just glad she wasn’t assigned to rapping. she’s actually been working on dance quite a bit this year, but it’s felt like all of her evaluations have focused on singing, so aside from that one group performance, she hasn’t really had a chance to showcase her improvement. of course, she’s still far from the best dancer -- she’s got a long way to go before she can hold her own through any dance, and it takes her longer than most trainees to fully learn new choreographies.
but overall, she’s glad to be working on dance this month. it gives her a break from singing, which she never thought she’d want. she feels like she’s hit a wall with her singing -- she can sing anything that’s put in front of her, and while she’s empathetic and emotional enough to put the needed feeling into any song, she doesn’t have any real desire to work on her singing anymore. it feels like she’s reached her limit, like she can’t grow anymore from here.
it makes her glad, for once, that she’s never been very good at dancing. it gives her something else to work on, something she feels is useful that she can constantly feel like she’s improving in, even though she ends up sweaty and exhausted and gross far more often than not. that’s one advantage of singing practice -- significantly less sweat is involved, but jinri’s come to appreciate the exertion. it feels nice, makes her feel strong.
she starts practicing on her own with her dance coach the week before the bootcamp. “i want to do a sexy choreography for the eval,” she tells coach kim, having found him in the sphere building at the beginning of independent study. he’s been her favorite dance coach since almost three years ago now when he pulled her into his remedial dance workshops, and he feels like the only of sphere’s coaches who have actually recognized how much she’s been working on dancing lately.
“a sexy song, huh?” he asks with a smirk. he isn’t too much older than she is, and their relationship has always been slightly playful. it’s still definitely the formal relationship of a coach and trainee, but since jinri’s been here for so long they’ve become slightly more relaxed around each other. “like a girl group song?”
jinri wrinkles her nose and shakes her head. “no, i’d rather do something more....individual? if that makes sense,” she says, but isn’t sure if she got her point across.
her worries are assuaged when mr. kim smiles and nods enthusiastically. “good,” he says. “it’s time for you to be doing unique choreographies.”
jinri’s eyes widen as her heart nearly stops -- she can barely even learn choreography, how in the world is she supposed to come up with it? but mr. kim just laughs at her expression, waving a hand flippantly. “oh, no, you won’t come up with it. that’s not the point of this eval,” he says. “i’ll make one for you. did you have a song in mind?”
jinri blinks. she isn’t sure what she had been expecting to get from this meeting, but it certainly wasn’t that. “i-you don’t have to,” she stutters awkwardly.
mr. kim rolls his eyes at her impatiently. “yes, i do. where else are you gonna get a choreography? besides, it’s not a big deal. i make up choreographies all the time for the workshops. now, did you have a song in mind?”
“i-uh, no, not really,” she says, her mind taking a moment to process the revelation that while choreographies were this huge, impossible thing for her to ever comprehend or consider doing, other people come up with them all the time, like it’s no big deal.
“great,” mr. kim says, already looking down at his phone and scrolling through something. “i’ll let you know when i have something for you. we can work on it during the bootcamp next week, for sure, but i’ll probably have it done before then. now i would recommend using the rest of your independent study to practice the choreography from our lesson today. you were still lagging behind at the end.”
and with that, he pats a blinking and stunned jinri on the shoulder and walks away, leaving her standing in the empty hallway gaping at nothing and still trying to process that conversation.
true to his word, mr. kim approaches her after dance practice a mere three days later to tell her he has the choreography finished. later that same day, she meets up with him in a practice room and watches as he performs it for her. it’s perfect -- it isn’t so sexy that she feels like she’ll die of embarrassment trying to perform it, and it isn’t so difficult that she’s worried about learning it in the little more than a week that she has left.
it’s actually a fun looking choreography, and while no dance is fun while jinri is trying to learn it ( due to her tendency to get quickly frustrated with things she isn’t amazing at right away ) she’s sure that if she works on it enough over the next week, she’ll actually have lots of fun with it by the time the actual eval comes around.
“thank you so much for doing this,” she tells him over and over, until he actually gets annoyed with her and tells her to shut up and just start practicing.
mr. kim lets jinri film him doing the choreography with the music, and they spend hours upon hours in independent study going over the steps at painstakingly slow speeds. even after independent study ends and mr. kim goes home, every night jinri stays late practicing, rewatching the video and repeatedly going over everything mr. kim told her.
during the boot camp, she spends the lessons working the provided choreographies and honing her technique, accepting detailed advice from mr. kim and the other instructors. every independent study, she pulls up that much-viewed video and watches it over and over, then watches herself in the mirror as she does the moves herself.
the first time she performs it all the way through for mr. kim, he only nods once before getting to work critiquing the details of the dance. “you didn’t miss any major moves, though,” he says. “you’ve really worked hard and come a long way, even just in the last few months. keep at it like this and you’ll blow them away.”
and even with all the constructive criticism he gave her, even with all the parts she knows she’s still messing up on, that’s high praise. this is the first time jinri’s ever really learned a dance on her own, to be performed entirely solo. she’s used to learning dances in large workshops, or at the least in a group of four or five during eval prep. this is the most independent she’s ever felt while learning a dance, even though she is relying heavily on mr. kim’s guidance.
as he prepares to leave their independent study a few days before the eval, mr. kim pauses and looks at jinri seriously, watching her go over the hip movements from the middle of the choreography. “jinri,” he says, and she looks over immediately, freezing for a second in an odd pose before remembering to relax and turning to him fully. “i’m proud of how far you’ve come, but i know you can go further. improve even more, and try to impress me in this evaluation.”
the words bring a grin to jinri’s face, because it’s exactly what she needed: she was starting to get worn down after dancing so much, after improving so much only to know she still had miles of path ahead of her to run before she or her coach could be satisfied. this is a challenge, and she and mr. kim both know it. he’s already proud of her, so while that should mean that she’s done, he’s challenged her to go further, to show him -- who’s witnessed her entire transition and growth over the last few years and last few days -- how much she’s grown. it’s a challenge to surprise someone who’s walked with her every step of the way.
and she doesn’t know if she’ll succeed, but she’s excited to take on the challenge anyway.
the evaluation day feels just like any other, but for the first time in months jinri feels invigorated by the thought of it. she steps into the evaluation room bowing as she always does, looking at the small table of sphere’s dance trainers she’s been working with so much this week. among them is mr. kim, who gives her a small half-smile and leans back in his seat, his arms crossed.
she’s actually wearing heels for this evaluation -- they’re short, just an inch high, but they help her feel sexier, and she’s spent the last few days carrying them around with her to change into when she practices for the eval, so she could get used to dancing in them. she doesn’t know how she’d fare with any higher shoes, but with these shoes on this dance she’s perfectly fine, and she thinks the shoes do add not only to the focus the dance already draws to her legs, but also to her own confidence going into such a sexy dance.
“i’m choi jinri, and i’ll be dancing to ‘if i’m lucky’ by jason derulo for you today,” she says before getting into position. standing still and relaxed as she waits for the song to start.
the moves don’t come naturally to her -- she isn’t that talented. even after all her practice, while she does have quite a bit of muscle memory helping her out, she makes sure to focus heavily on her movements, specifically on keeping the sexy, alluring feeling to them.
the dance goes by far faster than she expects it to, and about halfway through a smile finds its way to her lips because she can feel how well she’s doing, she knows she’s killing it. briefly, she thinks back on herself three years ago and her grin only grows, because that jinri would have died if she saw herself now.
the moves alternate between flowing with the notes to simple popping movements with the beat, and jinri focuses closely on each transition, because those are the spots mr. kim was always most worried about. she doesn’t dare look at his face -- it’s too big of a distraction. she pushes him and his challenge from her mind as she dances, knowing that thinking about it will just throw her off.
the first chorus ends with her going into a pose with her finger over her lips, and the track she provided fades out. it really did go by so fast that jinri almost worries that she somehow missed a part -- but no, that was easily one of the best run throughs of the dance she’s done. she relaxes and bows when the track cuts off, and as she rises from her bow she catches mr. kim’s eye.
he seems to be pretending to take down notes like the other trainers around him, and when they make eye contact he smiles and winks.
jinri bows her way out with thanks to the trainers for their time, panting slightly behind her exhilarated grin. as she walks down the hallway, heels clicking with every step, she knows she’s strutting, because she just killed it.
jinri’s been debating this decision for months, since the first debacle when she signed up for the extra training without thinking and then backed out after it caused an almost-fight with luna. but they’ve talked about it since then, discussed both of their reserves about both sphere and royal, talked about the risks and benefits of staying or leaving. it’s the most conflicted she’s felt in probably years, because this decision could mean everything.
( she sits at the piano, brace removed from her still-healing arm, even though she’s sure it’ll hurt after playing like this. her fingers position over the keys, the camera angled to view her face rather than the instrument itself. )
those who sign up are committing to signing with royal entertainment if they succeed in the show. this is a big decision -- she’s essentially deciding between sphere and royal, here and now, and while once the decision would have been easy and she never would have left sphere for anything, she feels a lot less confident in the company lately.
sphere feels like home -- it has for almost exactly three years. but then again, where have those three years gotten her?
( she plays the first few chords, and since the piano part being so simple makes this even easier, allows her to focus more on putting more focus on the emotion in the lyrics, once they come in.
Out of the ashes, I'm burning like a fire
You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar
I've got shame, I've got scars
That I will never show
I'm a survivor
In more ways than you know
she eliminated the first verse and chorus to save on time, to get the lyrics she loves the most into the short minute she has. she’s loved this song for years, but especially since the media invented that nepotism scandal during the mgas. )
sphere got her on the third season of the mgas. it got her featured in a documentary. it got her a stage with the ceo of the company. it gave her some of her most valuable friendships with some of the greatest people on the planet. and yet still she wants more, still she’s greedy to be on screen, to be on stage sooner.
she doesn’t know if that’s a sign that the industry’s turned her into a monster or not. she doesn’t really know who she is anymore, or what her priorities truly are.
( she skips the chorus again and goes straight into the stronger final verse, the piano volume increasing as she does.
There's a part of me I can't get back
A little girl grew up too fast
All it took was once, I'll never be the same
Now I'm taking back my life today
Nothing left that you can say
Cause you are never gonna take the blame anyway )
she thinks about baek jiyoung, about how she held her hand at the mga finale, and about how so many members of her team ended up making it to sphere. she thinks about jinwook, about how she gets to see him every day.
( when she finally does sing the chorus, it’s strong -- she keeps it sounding graceful and elegant, but her voice screams of independence, of confidence, of revenge. she’s not going to let the industry ruin her like this. she’s not going to lose herself in her greed. even if she does do the show, she’ll hold onto this. she won’t let another goddamn survival show ruin the last sparks of whatever good is left inside her.
Now I'm a warrior
I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again
No oh, yeah, yeah
You can never hurt me again
the song ends with a few final, gentle notes, the same chords that she’s repeated through the whole song. she looks into the camera and scowls at it before her face crumples and she starts sobbing, the tears she spent the whole song holding back finally coming out. the camera records it all, how she curls in on herself and holds her face in her hands, how she sits there for several minutes even after the trembling in her shoulders stops, how when she finally looks up to stop the camera, her eyes are still red and swollen and her expression has lost all the confidence it had while she was singing.
she edits all that out, of course. she ends the video when the song stops, and keeps it saved on a flash drive, still unsure whether she’s going to do it or not. )
she wonders if luna’s going to do it. they talk about it regularly, and neither of them have decided yet, even with the deadline looming just a few days away.
they’re both waiting until the last minute, apparently, and jinri can’t decide if she thinks that’s funny or not. after all, they didn’t hesitate much to sign their sphere contracts in the first place. luna did more so than jinri, who took what in retrospect feels like nothing more than a few moments to consider before turning her signed contract back in.
they didn’t hesitate in auditioning to be coaches for the next mgas. they didn’t hesitate when baek jiyoung asked them both to do it. they didn’t hesitate when it came time to renew their contracts -- they signed for sphere all over again. it’s been their home for three years, and now what? they’re just going to leave?
jinri knows why luna wants to. she knows how much the she’z choreography bothered her best friend in the july eval, knows how much she longs to be on stage again, how much she longs for the spotlight, even if she won’t admit it. in a way, jinri’s in the same boat. she’s greedy, she’s so greedy for the spotlight. she wants to be on tv again, wants to show baek jiyoung what she waited too long for.
but so jisub passed her up too. luna brought that up once, how they could show jisub what he missed out on. how they could shake up the whole thing by showing up when they’re practically the faces of sphere’s trainees after the last mgas.
but then again, they’re the faces of sphere. sphere has been good to them, has given them a home for three years, and could continue to be home for who knows how many more. jinri hardly knows anything about royal, hardly knows any of the people there. sphere is home. she knows and loves everyone. but still she isn’t sure, still she’s scared to make such a big decision. still she’s terrified of potential regrets.
it’s the last day to turn in their audition videos. jinri paces up and down a hallway outside an office in the samsung building, turning the flash drive over and over in her hands. when she looks up on what feels like her hundredth pass, she sees luna standing a few feet away, just watching her. “did you?” jinri asks, the nerves clear in her voice.
it wasn’t even a complete question, really, but luna clearly understands what she meant, and shakes her head. “no.”
jinri swallows. it’s been nagging her all day -- what did luna do? she’s almost mad at herself for it, because isn’t she trying to be more independent, wasn’t she trying to make this decision on her own? didn’t they agree they would each make their own decision? but she can’t help it -- luna is such a huge part of her life, and has been for so long, that jinri can’t help but factor her into whatever decisions she makes.
she thinks she had already mostly decided, anyway. she stands up straighter and grips the flash drive tightly, then marches straight toward the office door.
You’re led down the hall by a staff member early in your day at Sphere Entertainment, to Baek Jiyoung’s office. When you step into the room, she’s seated behind her desk, and she greets you with a smile that’s both gentle and professional. The staff member motions for you to take a seat across from you, then leaves. One quick glance around the room, and you can spot the same lawyer that was present when you first signed your contract.
“Hi, Jinri,” she begins, her lips still quirked up into a tiny smile before she becomes more serious. She shuffled through the paperwork on her desk for a moment, then glances back up at you. “It’s already been two years. You’ve been through a lot here. Thank you for your hard work.” Another pause, and she glances down at the papers again– shuffles them more until one manila folder is on top of the stack. “I know it can be difficult to train for so long with little to show for it, but I hope you see the same progress, growth, and promise in yourself that I see in you. If you can stick with me in Sphere a little longer, and put in more of the hard work I’ve seen from you so far, I think we’ll be able to come up with something great together.”
She opens up the manila folder in front of her, and presents a pen and contract, specifically marked where each new signature is required, to you with a bright smile. “Everyone at Sphere would love to continue working with you. Now it’s your turn to decide if you’d like to continue working with us. Feel free to take your time thinking about it, if you need it.”
[ september 1, 2016 ]
jinri knows where she’s going this morning before the staff member even finds her. she walks in the ceo’s office with her head high, wondering why she isn’t more nervous.
she thinks maybe she should be nervous, should be worried since baek jiyoung holds her entire future in her hands. jinri could leave sphere today, never to return. jiyoung could tell her that she hasn’t grown enough in her time here, that she doesn’t think she’s right for sphere’s vision, and that she’d be better off in another company, or worse, in a different career altogether.
but as much as those thoughts should terrify her, they don’t. because from what jinri knows about baek jiyoung, she would never do that. this is the woman who said she wished she could sign jinri and luna’s entire mga teams, who offered myungsoo a second chance to join sphere even after he rejected her on the mgas. this is the woman who took jinri’s hand on the mga finale and told her how much she’s grown into her role, and how well she represented sphere on the show.
somehow, jinri doesn’t think she has anything to be worried about. baek jiyoung has already shown jinri how proud she is of her by first choosing her to be a coach, then by saying such kind things to her on stage.
a small part of jinri thinks for a second that maybe this is overconfidence. maybe it’ll come back to bite her in the butt, and baek jiyoung won’t renew her contract after all, but she doesn’t listen to those thoughts.
walking into the office and seeing the ceo blows all the thoughts out of jinri’s head. jiyoung’s smile sets her at ease as she sits down, and she bows her head politely in greeting. she watches the ceo closely as she shuffles through all the paperwork, and she pays close attention to her words, a proud smile growing on her lips as she thinks back over the last two years.
whatever nerves were subconsciously lingering in the back of her mind disappear at the sight of her new contract. her smile widens to a grin, and she looks up at the ceo, nodding immediately. “i don’t need to think about it,” she says. “sphere is the right place for me. thank you so much for allowing me to stay,” she adds with a bit of a bow, or as much of one as she can achieve while sitting down.
she then turns to the contract lawyer she noticed when she came in. “if it’s okay, could you help me sign this now?”
a few minutes later, the contract is signed, and jinri bows once again to both baek jiyoung and the contract lawyer on her way out. once she’s outside, the ceo’s kind words still echoing in her head, she heads straight to her first lesson of the day, her first of the next two years.
as jinri walks out of dance practice, sighing as she wipes the last bit of sweat from her brow with the towel she's taken to keeping in her workout bag. looking around at the sound of someone clearing their throat behind her, she blinks in surprise at the small camera crew.
"oh, hello!" she says in english, offering a small bow of her head. "you guys are from england, right?" as she says it, her california accent seems glaringly obvious, but she hardly minds. she can't help where she's from, or how she sounds because of it.
the crew seems surprised that she speaks english, but most of them appear to be relieved -- jinri supposes that they're still getting practice speaking korean fluently.
"yes, we are. you're choi jinri, right? are you from america?"
jinri nods, smiling as she wraps her towel around her neck and holds onto each side of it. "yep. i moved here when i was about twelve or thirteen."
"are you still in high school, then?"
jinri nods, leaning against the wall behind her. she's not in any rush to finish this interview, since she's got two hours of free time now. it's technically supposed to be independent study, but after this sudden interview she's going to go take a shower and then probably take a nap somewhere. "mhm, i go to Seoul High School of the Arts. I'm in my last year, so I'm really close to graduating."
"how are you managing the schedule? today's friday; shouldn't you be in school?"
"i've been going to school monday through wednesday, then training at night on those days. then for the rest of the week and the weekend, i'm training all day," she explains, the words rolling off her tongue automatically. she's had to explain this to so many people by now -- coaches, other trainees, other students at school, teachers -- that the words don't require any thought at this point.
"sounds like a pretty hectic schedule, even for a trainee. how are you holding up?"
jinri offers a small, tired-looking smile, having faced this question before as well. her response hasn't changed, either, coming to her as easily as the explanation before it: "i'll be fine. it just takes a little getting used to."
a few minutes later she manages to break away from the crew and head towards the locker rooms, but the whole way there she can't stop thinking about the fact that it's becoming easier and easier to tell that lie.
SPHERE DOCUMENTARY: Jinri ver.
pt 1: a chance encounter
jinri walks into sphere's diner one friday morning at 6:42am, according to her watch. not that she's paying attention to it, though: she's far too tired for that. she stayed up late last night after training doing schoolwork, since she's only been going to classes on mondays, tuesdays, and wednesdays, so that she can focus on training for the rest of the week and the weekend.
she keeps her head down, lank and unbrushed hair hanging in her face as she stares at the floor just in front of her feet. she honestly just doesn't feel much like looking at people right now, and on top of that she figures that it'll just use too much energy and take far too much work to raise her head and keep it up, so she just leaves it where it is.
she slouches over towards where she knows the line for food is, raising a hand to cover her mouth and hide a yawn. as it finishes, she brushes a lock of hair out of her face and behind her ear, since she's really not used to hair brushing the side of her face and it feels strange. normally she'd resist the urge to brush it back, since she's trying to break herself of that habit, but she's too exhausted to even think any more than the minimum amount necessary for survival.
however, her lazy thoughts are interrupted when a pair of nice-looking designer heels pop into her vision. jinri doesn't even have time to realize what that means before she's running right into someone, their torsos colliding before both of them instinctively take a step back.
jinri looks up at the woman she ran into, and she swears her face drains of all color when she sees who it is. baek jiyoung. she just walked right into her ceo. all of a sudden, jinri feels wide-awake.
"i'm so sorry, sajangnim!" she exclaims, immediately going into a ninety-degree bow.
jiyoung smiles at her, placing a reassuring hand on jinri's shoulder as the trainee straightens up. "it's fine, jinri. wake yourself up with some food and work hard today, okay?"
"yes, sajangnim," jinri replies. "i'm sorry again," she adds, bowing her head again as the ceo passes by her.
