#solo;sing

[rkxeve]

life or death

jinri’s been debating this decision for months, since the first debacle when she signed up for the extra training without thinking and then backed out after it caused an almost-fight with luna. but they’ve talked about it since then, discussed both of their reserves about both sphere and royal, talked about the risks and benefits of staying or leaving. it’s the most conflicted she’s felt in probably years, because this decision could mean everything. 

( she sits at the piano, brace removed from her still-healing arm, even though she’s sure it’ll hurt after playing like this. her fingers position over the keys, the camera angled to view her face rather than the instrument itself. )

those who sign up are committing to signing with royal entertainment if they succeed in the show. this is a big decision -- she’s essentially deciding between sphere and royal, here and now, and while once the decision would have been easy and she never would have left sphere for anything, she feels a lot less confident in the company lately. 

sphere feels like home -- it has for almost exactly three years. but then again, where have those three years gotten her?

( she plays the first few chords, and since the piano part being so simple makes this even easier, allows her to focus more on putting more focus on the emotion in the lyrics, once they come in.

Out of the ashes, I'm burning like a fire You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar I've got shame, I've got scars That I will never show I'm a survivor In more ways than you know

she eliminated the first verse and chorus to save on time, to get the lyrics she loves the most into the short minute she has. she’s loved this song for years, but especially since the media invented that nepotism scandal during the mgas. )

sphere got her on the third season of the mgas. it got her featured in a documentary. it got her a stage with the ceo of the company. it gave her some of her most valuable friendships with some of the greatest people on the planet. and yet still she wants more, still she’s greedy to be on screen, to be on stage sooner. 

she doesn’t know if that’s a sign that the industry’s turned her into a monster or not. she doesn’t really know who she is anymore, or what her priorities truly are. 

( she skips the chorus again and goes straight into the stronger final verse, the piano volume increasing as she does. 

There's a part of me I can't get back A little girl grew up too fast All it took was once, I'll never be the same Now I'm taking back my life today Nothing left that you can say Cause you are never gonna take the blame anyway )

she thinks about baek jiyoung, about how she held her hand at the mga finale, and about how so many members of her team ended up making it to sphere. she thinks about jinwook, about how she gets to see him every day. 

( when she finally does sing the chorus, it’s strong -- she keeps it sounding graceful and elegant, but her voice screams of independence, of confidence, of revenge. she’s not going to let the industry ruin her like this. she’s not going to lose herself in her greed. even if she does do the show, she’ll hold onto this. she won’t let another goddamn survival show ruin the last sparks of whatever good is left inside her.

Now I'm a warrior I've got thicker skin I'm a warrior I'm stronger than I've ever been And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in I'm a warrior And you can never hurt me again No oh, yeah, yeah You can never hurt me again

the song ends with a few final, gentle notes, the same chords that she’s repeated through the whole song. she looks into the camera and scowls at it before her face crumples and she starts sobbing, the tears she spent the whole song holding back finally coming out. the camera records it all, how she curls in on herself and holds her face in her hands, how she sits there for several minutes even after the trembling in her shoulders stops, how when she finally looks up to stop the camera, her eyes are still red and swollen and her expression has lost all the confidence it had while she was singing. 

she edits all that out, of course. she ends the video when the song stops, and keeps it saved on a flash drive, still unsure whether she’s going to do it or not. )

she wonders if luna’s going to do it. they talk about it regularly, and neither of them have decided yet, even with the deadline looming just a few days away. 

they’re both waiting until the last minute, apparently, and jinri can’t decide if she thinks that’s funny or not. after all, they didn’t hesitate much to sign their sphere contracts in the first place. luna did more so than jinri, who took what in retrospect feels like nothing more than a few moments to consider before turning her signed contract back in. 

they didn’t hesitate in auditioning to be coaches for the next mgas. they didn’t hesitate when baek jiyoung asked them both to do it. they didn’t hesitate when it came time to renew their contracts -- they signed for sphere all over again. it’s been their home for three years, and now what? they’re just going to leave?

jinri knows why luna wants to. she knows how much the she’z choreography bothered her best friend in the july eval, knows how much she longs to be on stage again, how much she longs for the spotlight, even if she won’t admit it. in a way, jinri’s in the same boat. she’s greedy, she’s so greedy for the spotlight. she wants to be on tv again, wants to show baek jiyoung what she waited too long for. 

but so jisub passed her up too. luna brought that up once, how they could show jisub what he missed out on. how they could shake up the whole thing by showing up when they’re practically the faces of sphere’s trainees after the last mgas. 

but then again, they’re the faces of sphere. sphere has been good to them, has given them a home for three years, and could continue to be home for who knows how many more. jinri hardly knows anything about royal, hardly knows any of the people there. sphere is home. she knows and loves everyone. but still she isn’t sure, still she’s scared to make such a big decision. still she’s terrified of potential regrets.

it’s the last day to turn in their audition videos. jinri paces up and down a hallway outside an office in the samsung building, turning the flash drive over and over in her hands. when she looks up on what feels like her hundredth pass, she sees luna standing a few feet away, just watching her. “did you?” jinri asks, the nerves clear in her voice. 

it wasn’t even a complete question, really, but luna clearly understands what she meant, and shakes her head. “no.”

jinri swallows. it’s been nagging her all day -- what did luna do? she’s almost mad at herself for it, because isn’t she trying to be more independent, wasn’t she trying to make this decision on her own? didn’t they agree they would each make their own decision? but she can’t help it -- luna is such a huge part of her life, and has been for so long, that jinri can’t help but factor her into whatever decisions she makes.

she thinks she had already mostly decided, anyway. she stands up straighter and grips the flash drive tightly, then marches straight toward the office door. 

and she throws the goddamn thing in the trash. 

[rkxeve]

SPHERE DOCUMENTARY: Jinri ver. pt 6: practice makes perfect // song

jinri sits at a piano in one of the many vocal practice rooms of sphere ent.'s building, the fingers of her left hand idly brushing over the ivory keys as she watches one of her instructors, jae, sits down in a nearby chair and raises an eyebrow at her.

"you know i'm too old for this, jinri," he jokes, and jinri rolls her eyes, a grin on her lips. "you wanted me to listen to your song, right?"

"yup," the trainee answers, turning her body to face the piano fully as her right hand joins its twin on the keys of the piano. "i'm thinking about doing this for this month's evaluation. i changed some things about the arrangement and the key, so i wanted you to review it before i show my vocal coach."

"go ahead," jae replies, casting a brief, nervous glance towards the camera nearby before looking quickly back to jinri and shifting slightly in his seat. jinri sends him a small smile -- she knows how nervous he gets around cameras, so she's thankful that he'll still help her with the camera here.

she plays the first chord at the same time that she starts singing, her voice and the sound of the piano now the only sound in the room. the song starts quiet, with piano chords only sounding at the beginning of new phrases. at one point the original singer, a male, went too low for jinri's range, but that's why jae is here: he's going to tell her if she's dealing with that properly, or if she needs to try something different.

she starts playing more chords as she enters the bridge, and her face screws up in concentration when she reaches the long, higher notes of the chorus. that soon turns into a smile, though, and as she goes into the highest note her shoulders rise reflexively. 

she stops after the first chorus, not wanting to go through the whole four and a half minute song when all jae really needs to hear is the way she's changed it to fit her range. after the last note has had time to move through the room, she takes her fingers away from the keys and turns to face jae and the camera, though she ignores the latter and focuses on her instructor.

"what do you think?"

"i think you did a great job," jae says, smiling. he doesn't seem as nervous in front of the camera as before, so jinri thinks her song distracted him enough to make him forget about it. "you're really good at getting into the emotion of the song. you actually looked like you were feeling it, you know?"

jinri chuckles sheepishly, feeling a blush rising to her cheeks even though she can't help but smile. "thank you," she says, running a hand through her hair.

"mhm. but there are a few parts i think you could work on. this song has a huge range, and i think you've got the stuff in the middle octaves down. but when you go higher and lower, you start to have a few issues," jae says, standing up and moving to sit next to jinri, who scoots over and makes room for him on the bench. "let's start from the beginning."

[rkxeve]

MGA ROUND 2 - CHOI JINRI SULLI #2013 song - "you&i" by iu ; 2:40-4:01

compared to her last audition, jinri is hardly nervous at all. however, seeing as her last audition had her literally trembling in her seat before entering the room, that's not saying much. she's still nervous, but it's mixed with excitement this time.

last time, she had been a (relatively inexperienced) singer auditioning for nova, a company that focused primarily on dancing, something that she's always struggled with. she had been upset when she hadn't even made it to the second round of those auditions, but looking back, she thinks that was probably a good thing. she would have struggled in nova, so much that she doesn't know if they'd even want to keep her contract.

no, she's realized now that kt is the place for her. they have difficult dances in their groups too, but jinri thinks that she'd be able to handle it with a little work, whereas in nova it would be a constant struggle to keep up with the others around her. or at least, that's how she's figured it. whether or not it would actually be that way, she'll probably never know.

this time, she feels like her chances are a lot better. she's still got enough sense to be nervous; even though she had felt pretty confident before coming in, now she's surrounded by a group of others who want the same thing she does, and it's hard not to feel nervous here, especially when she thinks about the fact that all these people want the same thing she does, with at least as much passion as she has as well. 

"2013," the voice calls over the loudspeaker, and jinri stands, glancing down at the paper taped to her stomach, on which reads the same number in large bold font. wondering why she did that, since she knows her number by heart and definitely won't forget it anytime soon, she shakes her head a little and walks up to the door, trying to ignore the way her hands are suddenly shaking at her sides. she wants to ball them into fists or stuff them in her pockets, but she worries about what impression that kind of body language would leave on the judges.

as she walks into the room, she's suddenly reminded of all the times in her childhood when she and her mother would watch american idol together. she remembers sitting on their soft leather couch, often snuggled into her mother's side, and giggling at the judges' jokes or wincing whenever there was a bad singer auditioning. she remembers she always disliked simon cowell as a kid, but when she got older she began to appreciate him more and more. now, she wonders if there's a simon cowell judge on this panel before sincerely hoping that there isn't.

she bows as she walks to the center of the room, her heart pounding in her chest. her eyes find the camera in the corner as she straightens up, though, and that helps her relax a little. just another youtube video, she tells herself. imagine that their faces are camera lenses. it's easier than she expected it to be, and she finds herself holding back a smile as she introduces herself.

"hello, i'm choi jinri," she says, a little bit relieved to see the judges smiling back at her.

"how old are you, jinri-ssi?" one of them asks.

"i'm eighteen years old."

"and where are you from?"

"los angeles. but i moved to korea when i was twelve," she adds the last part even though she hadn't originally intended to, not wanting them to think that she's not fluent in korean.

"and what will you be performing for us, jinri-ssi?"

"i'll be singing the last verse and chorus of iu's 'you & i,' she says. her song choice surprised even her when she finally decided on it, but she can't find anything else that she really wants to do.

it's the same thing she did for her nova audition, though back then she did the first part of the song. this time she'll be doing the last section, which involves more difficult singing and higher notes. however, she thinks with how she's improved since then, she'll be able to handle it.

also unlike last time, she'll be doing this acapella. taking a deep breath, she starts the song.

in the blink of an eye, i'll be an adult. i hope you recognize me, i hope you remember me yes, that strange child

she thinks that maybe part of the reason she feels so strongly about doing this song is because like it did in her last audition, it applies well to her and her feelings about auditioning. this is her chance to shine, to be noticed by katie lee or maybe one of kt ent's casting directors. as she sings, she's able to relax a little, though the judges' analytic gazes have her palms sweating. she closes her eyes as she sings, finding that helps. 

i turn it with my fingertips - hey, clock hand, please run turn a little bit faster i tightly close my two eyes and cast a spell

the song is starting to blossom -- or at least, that's the term jinri's always used to describe the point where a song crescendos into its peak. she's smiling now, the words and notes falling as easily from her lips as if she were breathing. her eyes open, so she can grin at the judges as she sings, and she isn't that disappointed when they hardly react. 

you and i, there's only a little bit left i dont know when or what time but in the future, which you will be in by any chance, if i get lost and wander, so that i can recognize you, please call my name

this is when the song gets more difficult, and her eyes close again as she does the higher notes, her eyebrows furrowing slightly in focus. she holds out the final note, her eyes fluttering open as she finishes. she pants as she looks between the judges, and her heart pounds as they write some things down. they glance up and tell her she can go, and she bows a few more times on the way out, thanking them as she goes. 

she thinks on her way out that she wishes this was american idol, so that she could know right now if she'd moved on. but no matter. she would be patient.