show yourself

lee eve yukyung. 96.06.03. former trainee at sphere. currently dreaming of the stage.

[rkashe]

` 'til the end ━ *

[rkxeve]

rkluna‌:

{ ☼ }

“so, something funny happened today,” she begins, going over to her training bag and picking up her water bottle as an excuse not to look eve in the eyes. “i got called to baek jiyoung’s office, and there was a royal rep there. he said they want to buy out my contract.” she pauses, and for a split second, considers leaving it at that, but she can’t possibly keep the truth from eve. she needs her to understand why she’s going. “xayah left luxe and they want me to join.”

eve knows how tempted she’s been to give up on debuting– how she stays because there’s nothing better for her to do, and she thinks there are still things for her to learn. they’ve both been here too long, and they both know it. she doesn’t know what to expect from eve. really, she doesn’t expect anything from her. she just needs to know.

@rkxeve – *

the fog has been better today -- just a bit clearer. eve has found it easier to chat with the other trainees, easier to laugh without feeling like it’s forced for fake. when someone asks her how have you been, her response of i’m fine is still a lie, but it doesn’t feel like as much of one today. she really has been fine, at least today. she’s been learning to deal with it, learning to push through. 

some days it’s just too hard to push through. she tries to do it anyway, and usually fails. but today is a good day, so she tries not to think about that. 

luna is quiet, though, and it makes eve antsy on the way home. she fiddles with the hair ties around her wrist as she watches luna approach her training bag and pick up her water bottle, motions that are all too familiar and easy between them, but the way luna is avoiding eve’s eyes sends a chill down her spine. she can’t pinpoint why she’s so anxious all of a sudden -- usually it’s easy to be in comfortable silences with luna, but something about this silence gives eve a bad feeling. 

she hopes she’s just getting worked up over nothing. 

( she isn’t. )

when she speaks, luna’s voice is far too casual, and eve freezes. all at once, her jittery motions stop so that she instead more resembles a statue than a person -- and she better matches the way she feels like her insides have just turned to stone. don’t be leaving, she thinks, and of course that’s exactly what’s happening. she listens to luna’s words, delivered bluntly as she does everything, and stares open-mouthed at her best friend, unable to fully process the news for a moment. 

this is a good thing, part of her says. luna gets to debut, and with a concept that suits her. she’ll be happy. 

this is the worst thing that’s ever happened, most of her replies, falling to pieces inside eve’s head. she’s leaving. she’s debuting without me. she’s leaving.

eve is silent for far too long, though she doesn’t know how long. luna’s announcement hangs in the air between them, growing and mutating and twisting the air around them until eve can hardly breathe, and she feels a drop of water fall from her cheek to her hand in her lap without even realizing that she’d started crying. “oh,” she finally says, though she doesn’t know if it’s a moment or an hour after luna finishes speaking. 

[rkxeve]

masquerade ;

[rkxeve]

rkluna‌:

{ ☼ }

she lets herself into eve’s room after knocking, and smiles in return, though it morphs into a near-scowl as soon as she detects the insincerity on her best friend’s face. “okay, what’s wrong?”

luna’s face morphs away from its familiar smile immediately, and eve silently curses herself -- of course luna would notice something is up, she knows eve better than she knows herself sometimes. “what do you mean?” she asks, trying to relax her face into a natural smile, an unconcerned expression. 

she doesn’t try to say i’m fine or nothing’s wrong, because she doesn’t want to lie outright. she knows that this is already lying in its own right, but it feels different from saying words aloud that she knows are just straight-up lies. especially to luna -- she doesn’t like the idea of looking her best friend in the eye and telling her a complete lie. she knows that not telling her what’s wrong is kind of also a lie, but she doesn’t see anything else to do. 

how is she supposed to tell the truth when she doesn’t know what’s wrong? the truth is that nothing is wrong, but somehow everything is wrong at the same time. the truth is that eve is constantly exhausted, constantly sad, constantly struggling to keep herself moving and keeping a smile on her face. 

she’s got (almost) everything she’s ever wanted, so why is she still so sad? why is every day such a struggle? she can’t even explain these things to herself, let alone to someone else. 

she moves to the door, taking the doorknob from luna and opening it wider so she can move past her friend, avoiding the other’s eyes. “do you want something to eat? i didn’t really eat a lot at dinner, maybe we need to make a snack before bed,” she says, hating how she can hear her voice trembling behind her smile. 

( she wants to stay strong, wants to keep up the facade. but now that luna’s noticed something is wrong, eve wants nothing more than to break down, to cry everything out, even if she doesn’t even know what everything is. )

[rkxeve]

masquerade ;

@rkluna

eve looks at her own face in the mirror, running her fingers over her cheekbones and turning her head this way and that to look from different angles. she hadn’t even been feeling sad or upset earlier, but someone had stopped her in the diner to ask if she was okay. she examines her features now, trying to consciously relax her face into its neutral position and see if it looks sad.

to be fair, she always feels sad lately, but it’s somehow less and more than that -- but she really hadn’t been thinking about anything negative at the time. she doesn’t even remember what she was thinking about, but it was probably something like where she’d sit or the choreography they’d practice in dance later. but if her face looks that upset even when she isn’t actively feeling it, then maybe this is a more serious problem than she thought. 

she’d thought this was just something she could push through, could get past. she wasn’t the type of person to completely shut down after a breakdown -- she didn’t rely on others like that. she was independent. 

wasn’t she?

as the thought passes through her mind, she watches her expression fall, her lips turning down and her eyebrows furrowing as her heart drops like a stone into her stomach. she sighs and puts her face in her hands, not wanting to look at her own melancholy expression any longer. 

a knock comes from her bedroom door, and she spins around, pasting her usual smile on her face without checking it in the mirror -- she can feel how strained it is, she doesn’t need the confirmation -- as she calls for luna to enter. “come in!” she says, holding back a wince at how falsely cheerful her voice sounds. 

[rkxeve]

motivation ; solo

[ tw: depression ]

eve lies in bed, staring up at the ceiling. she can hear the city traffic outside her window, the noise of cars and buses and horns invading her space, breaking through the grey predawn light with a harsh reminder of reality. the noise and the light invade the safety of her room, intruding on her thoughts as physical, sensory reminders that she is a part of a real world, a world that will not stop moving, will not even slow down to accommodate her. 

she sighs, and it takes more effort than it should, the rise and fall of her chest not coming as naturally as it normally does. it’s like there’s a weight that’s settled there, an anvil holding her down despite the fact that she isn’t even trying to get up. 

she needs to get up. she hasn’t checked the time yet, but based on the light and amount of noise outside, she’s already late. she’s definitely missing breakfast, at the very least. she can’t bring herself to care, though normally the idea of being late sends jolts of panic through her. 

( what does it matter if she’s late, anyway? does it matter? does anything? )

“get out of bed,” she tells herself, speaking firmly to the ceiling, though her voice comes out as a croak. “on three. one, two, three,” on three, she manages to heave herself to a sitting position, but she stops there, now staring at her dresser on the opposite wall rather than the ceiling. 

“alright,” she whispers, wrapping her arms around herself. “too ambitious. good job for sitting up.” she scowls as tears leak out of the corners of her eyes -- this is pathetic. she shouldn’t have to encourage herself and praise herself just for sitting up, for doing such simple tasks, but the articles she read online about it said that this might be a useful strategy for dealing with these...episodes. 

( they called them depression. eve is terrified of that word, so she just calls them episodes. )

“get out of the covers,” she tells herself, and doesn’t even have to count this time before doing it. she manages a weak smile at that, silently congratulating herself for it. “feet on the floor.” with a little effort, she scoots to the edge of the bed and sets her feet on the floor, jolting slightly at the cold wood against her bare feet. the sensation helps drag her mind a little bit farther of the grey fog it’s been in, and she reaches over and turns the lamp on without telling herself to. it turns the grey light from the window into a soft, warm light that fills the room, making it feel a bit more like morning and a bit less like dementors had suddenly come to visit. 

“stand up,” she says, taking a deep breath. “one, two, three,” she counts, pushing herself to a standing position on the last number. she stands there for a moment, swallowing around her frustrated tears, trying to be proud of herself for accomplishing that step and to be thankful that she’s feeling anything, even if it is frustration with herself. 

she goes through her usual routine of getting ready, but much more slowly than usual, as she pauses between tasks and tells herself what the next step is -- squeeze out toothpaste. put cap back on tube. run toothbrush under water. brush your teeth. 

she finishes her routine at seven o’clock, looking at herself in the mirror with no makeup on and her hair pulled back into a ponytail. her clothes are clean, her newest set of leggings and a familiar sweatshirt whose weight sits comfortably on her shoulders, like a constant hug. she searches her expression, marking the signs of exhaustion and the beaten-down expression that is just her natural resting face these days. “smile,” she tells herself, and she does. 

then she goes out to face the day. 

[rkxeve]

new memories ;

[rkxeve]

rkyerim‌:

yerim’s surprised when eve takes her arm, pulling her along but she can’t ever say no to such a pretty girl – no matter how hard she tries. there will always be a sweet spot and room for a crush, though she knows the boundries and the distinct fear of coming on too strong keeps her from saying much, if anything ( typical sapphic behavior ). “yeah,” yerim says, pushing a strand of purple hair behind her ear. “it’s okay. i don’t mind.” she flashes eve a smile. 

“wow,” yerim says shaking her head a little bit. “four and a half years?” the thought of training that long almost seemed intimidating to her. she wanted to believe she could make it that long, at least if it came down to it but yerim felt a little doubtful for a moment. “how’s it looking for debut?” she hopes the statement doesn’t come off as rude. “i mean, not– i just mean in general, do you think they’re gonna do something with the girls anytime soon?” 

eve hums at the other’s amazement, nodding in agreement. “i know. like i said, it’s hard to believe it’s been that long, some days. other days it feels like i’ve been here forever.” she taps her chin with her hand as they walk, thinking about how best to answer the newer trainee’s question. the truth is that lately, especially since convex’s debut, she’s been pretty frustrated with the lack of news on anything for her and the other girls, but she also understands that the company needs to devote quite a bit of time and effort to convex before doing anything for another new group. 

she finally shrugs and smiles at the other, waving her free hand in a so-so gesture. “i mean, no, nothing’s been happening for sphere girls exclusively, not with convex being so freshly debuted. they haven’t even had their one year anniversary yet, you know? it’ll probably be a while before we’re seriously considered. but i mean....i’ve been here for so long and have been training so much that it feels like it’d be a waste to quit now, you know? i intend to wait it out ‘til debut. and who knows? maybe once convex celebrates their one year in october, sphere will announce plans to debut the girls as their sister group or something. i don’t know, but baek jiyoung has gotta know what she’s doing, right? we’ve just gotta trust her.” 

[rkxeve]

MAY 2019 EVALUATIONS - HA EVE SOOYOUNG !          eclipse - love whisper !

despite her struggle with stamina early in the month during the hellish week of extra training, eve’s month-long experience with preparing for the live singing evaluation hasn’t been too bad. she knew right away that she wanted to do one of eclipse’s songs, though she couldn’t decide between chase me and love whisper. 

it was audrey, in the end, who helped her choose -- and who better to take advice from than one of the original artists of the songs herself? audrey advised her toward love whisper, as it’s still difficult enough to fit the evaluation’s requirements but fits eve’s skill set a bit better, especially since it doesn’t have a rap. 

the routine of going in for evaluation performances is a familiar one now, after more than four years of being a trainee. she still bows and introduces herself, though, always keeping her cheery expression on. she knows everyone in the room at this point, even if not by name -- they’re evaluated by a mix of coaches and higher-ups from the company, and after four years the faces have all begun to look familiar, even the ones belonging to the administrators eve never gets another chance to see. 

“i’m ha sooyoung, and i’ll be performing eclipse’s ‘love whisper,’“ she announces, then wastes no time before getting into her starting position, standing and looking to the side. the music begins, and eve moves, her face falling into a practiced, genuine smile as she starts to dance through the intro. 

this month wasn’t her first time working on live singing, but it was still a nice refresher, and it did help her improve. she doesn’t think she would have been able to sing this whole song live before this month, and especially not before the first week when they went through all the stamina training. it may have nearly killed her, but it definitely did its job. her dancing has also improved by leaps and bounds since she joined the company four and a half years ago, and she’s excited for the chance to show her skills to sphere in such an official format. despite this being a private evaluation, eve knows she’ll still give it her all. 

after all her practice this month, not even the high note at the end trips her up, but she does take half a second longer to breathe after it than she strictly should. she’s mostly just happy to have succeeded with it and be almost done with the song, though, so she finishes it out and holds her final pose for a moment, focusing on not breathing too loudly. she keeps her breaths as controlled as her facial expressions, because she may not be wearing a microphone, but idols still can’t fall apart as soon as the song ends -- it sounds tacky and weird to have heavy breathing coming through the mics after a performance. 

[rkxeve]

down this road again ;

[rkxeve]

rkluna‌:

strangely, as lazy as luna is, there’s a part of her that likes this– the singing and rapping while dancing, anyway. the extra stamina training she can do without. all of that running on a treadmill while singing? no thanks. all of that being said, she can feel herself improving, so she knows the coaches know what they’re talking about, and she supposes that improvement is what’s most important. she’s content enough, aching limbs and constant lack of air in her lungs aside, even for as exhausted as she is. she’s set to perform an original song by the end of the month, whose choreography she had a hand in creating, and she’s excited for it, though she wishes more than just the coaches could see it. maybe one day.

she runs through her performance a few times at the end of the day, frustratingly still out of breath by the song comes to a close. she can’t seem to overcome it, always running out of steam before the end, and she wonders if more practice will even make it better, or if she’ll just need to run on the treadmill more, or endure more of this cruel stamina training regimen. three run-throughs satisfies her, and she decides it’s probably best to just get rest. that seems like a key part of putting together a good live performance, though she’s sure as an idol she’ll need to learn how to function with even less sleep.

luna notices something isn’t right with eve about as soon as she steps into the practice room, and she frowns, concerned. “are you ready to go?” she asks regardless; maybe going home and resting is all eve really needs. she hopes so. she’s about to walk over to turn the music off, wondering if that’s why eve looks so unfocused– because she can’t hear or something– when eve stumbles, and luna puts out her arms to catch her immediately. it sounds like her voice won’t even come out, and luna’s worry grows. “are you okay?” she asks, though she suspects the answer is no, clearly. it’s more of a test to see if eve is able to even respond to her or not. she remembers something suddenly, and digs in the practice bag slung over her shoulder until she retrieves her water bottle, and she offers it to her friend. maybe she’s not staying hydrated.

now that the dizziness and exhaustion have caught up with her, or maybe just now that she’s noticed them, there’s no getting rid of them, apparently, luna’s shoulder is blissfully comfortable, but eclipse’s song playing over the room’s speakers is suddenly grating on her ears, and every beat feels like it’s pushing eve’s dull headache closer and closer to a migraine. her vision still refuses to clear, so she just closes her eyes, trying to focus on breathing deeply to make sure she’s getting enough oxygen, at least. 

“a...pparently not,” she says, her voice slightly louder than before, but still not at full strength, clearly. she even has to pause after the first syllable to take another deep breath. eve feels luna’s shoulder move under her forehead, and she raises her head, wincing at the bright lights of the room once she opens her eyes. she takes the water gratefully, and gestures behind her with her free hand as she leans back further from her friend, standing up on her own again. “can you turn that off?” she asks, actually sounding close to normal now. 

her hand shakes when she goes to unscrew the top of the water, but she gets it off and starts drinking. she has to consciously stop herself from chugging it -- she ran out of water a while ago, and was so focused on her practice that she hasn’t taken a break since then to get more. she thinks about it, as she takes a break from the water, catching her breath. she actually has no idea how long ago that was, she realizes, and winces at her own stupidity. “my own fault, i guess,” she says, more to herself than to luna, as she takes another careful sip of water. 

[rkxeve]

find me at home ;

@rkxangel

it isn’t an unusual thing for eve or luna to invite other sphere trainees over, and since the addition of samuel the frog to their little apartment home, several trainees have been rather more eager than usual to come visit him. he was brought into their lives as part of youngjae’s hazing a month or so ago, but he’s integrated well — he’s now as much a part of the sphere family as eve and luna themselves, as far as the trainees are concerned.

samuel wasn’t the topic of conversation that led to angel’s invitation this time, but it’s not like any of the other trainees quite need invitations anymore. eve and luna’s apartment is kind of a hub of sphere trainee activity. she unlocks the door and invites angel in behind her, babbling all the while. “luna isn’t here,” she says, tossing her keys into the dish by the door. “she’s working on her evaluation song. she’s been staying late doing that a lot lately, since she’s composing it herself. or at least, she’s composing part of it.”

[seulgirk]

Got You!

[rkxeve]

seulgirk‌:

“Wouldn’t it?  Though sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever make it,” she admits to herself, which probably isn’t fair, Eve had been there even longer than she had been, but even for her, it felt like forever, especially seeing other companies debuting girl groups.  She hoped that someday they’d get their chance, she really would love to get out there for the world to see.  “I wonder what type of group they’d make out of us…”

She laughs a little when Eve mentions growing impatient if she thinks about it too much and she has to nod in agreement.  “Like I have been lately?” she smiles, thinking that perhaps she was letting herself get too carried away. She had heard some people would wait practically forever before getting the chance.  “I know I shouldn’t be, I should just let things happen as they do, but it’s been tough not wanting it lately seeing the other girl groups out there. I want to be with them too,” she says, running a hand through her hair, though she’s staying lighthearted. That’s easy to do around Eve, one of the first friends she ever made at Sphere that wasn’t one of her former roommates.

“yeah, sometimes i feel like i’m being forgotten,” eve replies, pursing her lips. “like, not by sphere, necessarily, ‘cause they’re focusing on convex, and i want convex to do well. but i feel like everyone’s forgotten that we were on the mgas too, you know? you’d think they’d think about us more, after all we went through to get here, but since there’s been another season they don’t think about the old winners anymore, i guess,” she continues with a shrug. “but that’s a pretty negative way of thinking, so i try not to think like that!” she says, trying to put cheerfulness back in her voice. thankfully, that isn’t hard to do with seulgi so near. 

“but it is hard not to be impatient,” she adds, wrapping an arm around seulgi’s shoulders as they walk. “i don’t personally know any of the k.arma girls, but i have seen a lot of them around seocho for a while. i am friends with a couple eclipse girls, and it’s really weird to see them debuted while i’m still waiting, especially when i was signed before a few of them.” she sighs, be shakes her head as if to clear it. “but it’s okay! we’ll get our chance eventually, right? we just have to trust baek jiyoung like we’ve always done. she knows what she’s doing. she wouldn’t have signed us if she didn’t plan to debut us.” 

[rkxeve]

new memories ;

[rkxeve]

rkyerim‌:

yerim’s feeling the drag of the day go on already, and it’s been only about a week. the only thing she’s really looking forward to is lunch and the sweet, but frustratingly temporary, release of sleep in her warm bed. she’s even tired of doing her makeup, which she usually never leaves the house without it. but there’s just no time and she’s losing energy by the minute, if she’s honest. 

she’s setting her guitar in it’s case as she looks up to see a new face introducing themselves to herself. she smiles back, undoubtedly delighted to see someone so pretty in the same company with her. eve’s beauty is enough to put back the pep in her step. “hey,” yerim says pulling the case to stand up, leaning slightly on the top of the guitar. “i am new. it’s nice to meet you, eve.” yerim’s lips pull up into a smile and she looks down before back up to eve’s gaze. “yeah, that’d be really nice,” yerim answers before pushing her hair behind her ear and trying desperately not to let a pink hue flush across the tips of her cheeks.  

her guitar is left in the room with the other instruments as she allows herself to walk with eve down to the cafeteria. “how long have you been a trainee? i should have looked up who i’d be working with after i got signed, but honestly it all seemed surreal and everything happened so fast, i was a little overwhelmed. do you enjoy it here?”

eve is glad to see that the girl seems comfortable, if a bit tired. she only has a handful of memories of her first few months in the company -- in that time, she was getting adjusted to training while also trying to finish high school, and she was stretched so thin she has no idea how she had time to eat, let alone sleep, what with the extracurriculars she refused to drop after getting signed. as such, most of those five months from september to february are a blur to her, but she knows that new trainees spend most of their time exhausted as they try to adjust to the drastic schedule and lifestyle change. 

eve is completely oblivious to the girl’s slight blush, as she always is when people react to how pretty she is. she walks along with the girl with a bounce in her step, hooking her arm into the newbie’s elbow and walking close to her -- she has very little concept of personal space around sphere trainees, even the new ones, apparently. “is this alright?” she asks, because she isn’t rude. “you can say no. i really love skinship, but i know it’s not for everyone.” 

she gives the girl’s questions a smile, registering that the other hasn’t said her name yet and resolving to ask her as soon as she gets a chance. “i was on the second mgas!” she says with a smile. “i didn’t expect to win, but i ended up as a finalist. i really wanted kt when i went in, but then when baek jiyoung offered me a contract i just couldn’t say no, so i’ve been here ever since. that was september 2014, so i’ve been a trainee for about four and a half years,” she says, a little surprised at the number herself. “it doesn’t feel like that long, though, sometimes,” she chuckles lightly, running a hand through her hair with her free hand. 

[rkxeve]

new memories ;

@rkyerim

it’s always exciting to get new sphere trainees. it’s so fun to figure out the “hazing” for this round ( though, to be fair, the things they do are never actually mean or malicious -- hazing is more of a word that’s lost its original meaning for the trainees of sphere ) and to start seeing new faces around training. eve is usually front and center in figuring out hazings and approaching new trainees, but this time she doesn’t have much of an idea of what they decided on. silently she hopes that whatever they pick, it won’t mean that she and luna will have to adopt a new pet -- as much as she loves samuel already, she’s unsure if they’ll have time for another pet on top of him. 

she sees one of the new trainees in instrument lessons, and she spends the whole time trying to decide why the girl looks so familiar. eve is pretty sure she was on the latest mgas, though she didn’t make it far -- eve remembers that she wasn’t eliminated, so she wonders if the girl just left for personal reasons or what. either way, she figures the mgas are probably something the girl is sick of hearing about, especially if the memory isn’t as positive as eve’s memory of her own season, so when she approaches the girl at the end of lessons with a bright smile, she’s careful not to say anything about the show. “hi! you’re new, right? i’m eve, or sooyoung i guess. i go by eve mostly, though! do you wanna head down to lunch together?” she knows that she has a tendency to babble and be a bit too energetic when she’s excited, but it’s hard to help it -- she wants to be as welcoming towards the girl as possible. 

[rkxeve]

down this road again ;

@rkluna

eve should be used to this by now. she should be used to the long days, the grueling lessons, the hard evals. but this week of constant live singing practice came out of nowhere, and despite eve’s relative comfort with singing live, after four days of this even more rigorous schedule she’s really feeling it. they’ve been keeping them late, and eve feels as though she can never eat enough food to really get full at meals -- she always leaves still hungry, but without any time to eat more. 

their independent study time is spent practicing, too, and she hardly notices when the door opens and luna enters, probably wondering if eve’s ready to head home yet -- it’s always more fun ( and probably safer ) to walk together than alone. eve stumbles a bit on a step of the choreography when she sees luna’s motion in the mirror, and she rights herself and looks around at her best friend, blinking her way through the dizziness and spots that appear in her vision. 

she opens her mouth to say something, and maybe luna’s said something too, but eve can’t hear her -- the sound of the song on the speakers and of luna’s voice is garbled in her ears, like she’s listening from underwater. eve stumbles forward the last few steps between her and her best friend, practically falling into her when her balance fails. “fuck,” she says, more on instinct than anything, and she’s surprised when she can’t get her voice to come out louder than a murmur. she struggles to right herself, using luna as an anchor and leaning her forehead on the other’s shoulder, blinking to try and clear the heavy blackness from her vision. 

[seulgirk]

Got You!

[rkxeve]

seulgirk‌:

Eve was definitely making the encounter a light-hearted one and Seulgi couldn’t be happier. She was the first one that had made her truly feel welcome to the company aside from her friends at the time, so she always held a special place in her heart because of it.  “We need lots of them! I’ve been deprived for so long!” she jokes, though her joking quickly disappears feeling the hands on her sides.  “Wait, no, no!” she shakes her head quickly, but it goes away in a burst of laughter as she is tickled and before she knows it, her knees are buckling a little bit as she squirms in Eve’s grasp and almost slips to the floor, laughing hard, only to be held up by the other.

“Ah!” she knows her whole face is red and tears were leaking from her eyes, still giggling a little bit from the other’s action.  “Mmm… yeah, I feel that way too.  I mean, they still pop up every once and a while, but it’s not much,” she agrees, thinking it over herself a little bit.  She misses having them around too, when they were training to be in Convex, it seemed they were all over the place, but now it’s just like they were gone as much as they had been there.  “It is a bit weird, yeah…” she barely even saw Jinki now and she considered him to be one of her better friends.  “Maybe that’ll be us someday.  We’ll debut and then we’ll just be gone from here all the time. Wouldn’t that be crazy?”    

eve is still chuckling as they right themselves, and she keeps her arm around seulgi even as she repositions them, moving into a walk with her arm still around seulgi. the other’s words pull a laugh from her, and she runs her free hand through her long hair, pushing it back from her face. “wow, yeah, imagine that,” she says. it isn’t often that she allows herself to think much about her potential debut, but she does now, smiling over at seulgi. “it’d be so fun to debut together,” she says, nudging her hip into the other’s as they walk. 

she lets herself think about it a bit more, her and seulgi and luna and the other sphere girls -- minhee and soojung and saerom, all of them debuting together. she has no idea what their concept might be, or if they would be promoted alongside convex as their sister group or what, but she’s excited by the possibility. “it’s weird to think about debut,” she says, her voice gently and more serious than before, though still with the smile and happiness behind it that is always present when she talks with seulgi. “i don’t let myself think about it too much, because then i know i’ll just get impatient and want it to come as soon as possible, but i can’t be too impatient because convex needs time to be established first, you know? and they’ve already had trouble, what with losing rome and all so soon after they debuted,” she finishes, grimacing at the thought. 

[rkxeve]

loss can be shared;

[rkxeve]

jacerk‌:

jihoon sometimes ate alone, not that he didn’t like other people;s company, he enjoyed that, but sometimes, his height didn’t allow him to see where trainee’s or his group mates were sat. so he gave up after a while, sitting on a table alone, phone out on the tray as he scrolls through social media. might as well pass time while eating while looking at what his non trainee or idol friends were up to, huh?

however, a chair gets pulled across from him and jihoon looks up to see who it it, only to be greeted by no other than his celebrity crush. it was nice to see her, every moment jihoon got to spend with the trainees in sphere, even if it was during the times in the loud canteen, he enjoyed them. quickly, he pulled the phone away, shoving it in the pocket of his hoodie, pretty much indicating eve had all his attention now.

things have happened, lots of them, especially after rome’s departure. it feels like a roller coasted of everything possible, just crashing on them. however, he never kept up with the news, never looked up at netizens, he only knew stuff he was told by his friends, sometimes parents, groupmates. he never seeked out knowledge on how the media could make them the villains or whatever.

“hey.“ he replies back, continuing to eat his food in the usual slow pace he has, shrugging when the question was asked. “i mean, i’m okay? i gotta be, don’t i? gotta move on, because apparently, that’s what baek ji young wants us to do.“ maybe jihoon does sound very unaffected by this whole situation, but he was never the type to be forward with his emotions. even if he was upset over the whole situation, he always read what other’s wanted, and now, their ceo wanted to move on. “it’s.. a bit empty at the dorm. what about you? everything going well?“

eve can’t help but be concerned about her friend. they’re a bit close in age -- he’s only two years younger than her, but despite that fact eve doesn’t really see him as a younger brother figure -- jihoon has always felt more like her equal in terms of maturity, ever since he signed with sphere and they started getting to know each other. sure, it was pretty cool and also a bit amusing that he seemed to be a bit starstruck around her and seemed to have a bit of a celebrity crush on her, but they bonded fairly quickly over their shared love of girl groups, and eve has seen him as a good friend ever since. 

she’s friends with most of the members of convex, so of course she’s worried about them now. she has no idea what losing a member must be like, when they spend even more time together than she and luna do. she tries to imagine what it’d be like if luna suddenly disappeared from her life, but can’t think about it for too long before the thought of it makes her feel a bit nauseous. 

“i’m sure she wouldn’t mind if you spent some time thinking about it, though,” eve replies, quietly. based on what she knows about their ceo, she can’t imagine that jiyoung would want the remaining convex members to just suddenly forget all about rome just because he broke contract and had to leave. “she’s kind, baek jiyoung,” eve continues. “i’m sure she knows how hard it must be on you guys.”

eve hums, her utensils poking around on her plate as she considers her friend’s words. “weird to consider a dorm of twelve people feeling empty,” she muses. “but i understand. it’s been empty around training ever since you guys debuted, and there’s tons of other trainees. it’s weird to suddenly lose anyone from your life, i guess.”

she smiles and shrugs at the question. “same old, same old,” she replies easily. she misses jinwook with a pain that doesn’t stop long enough for her to catch her breath, but she doubts jihoon knows about their relationship, so she settles for a broader statement. “i miss having all of you guys around training,” she says. “like i said, it’s weird to lose thirteen of you all at once, even though you debuted months ago. i guess i’m still adjusting to it.”

[rkxeve]

not quite sliced bread;

[rkxeve]

rkluna‌:

“so what,” luna counters with a languid eyeroll. she looks over at eve briefly as she fusses with the pillow, but decides to let her struggle instead of throwing it to her. she turns her attention back to her phone, now in the notes app, where she writes down all of her song choices. there’s pitapat by bestie, afterschool’s flashback, sonamoo’s dejavu, rainbow’s whoo, and more, but she can’t reasonably learn all of these, even though she’s worked on the raps for all of them just for good measure. she rolls from her stomach onto her back, holding her phone in a similar position to eve prior, but she’s careful not to drop it on her face. she switches it back to the dance practice for pitapat, watching it. it’s a lot of butt-shaking, which luna will take over cutesy stuff. it’s not bad.

“not yet. i’m working on a few,” she replies. love songs just aren’t her thing, so it’s hard to settle on one she really vibes with. whoo is even cuter than her usual, but she likes the air of elegance that’s mixed in. dejavu is straight out hip hop, but the choreo might be too hard, and it’s hard to tell it’s even a love song. flashback and pitapat are more the best of both worlds, so she thinks she’s between those two. “yeah,” she laughs as eve mentions twice. “i’d rather not, but i’ll keep it in mind.” she does have some worries. everyone got into groups so quickly, and she’s still deciding on a song while they’re only allowed one performance each. she doesn’t know if there’ll be anyone that needs a group by the time she’s ready to recruit. she might have to do twice after all. god forbid.

she looks back at eve, eager for a distraction from this now. “texing jinwook?” she guesses. “are you telling him how cool i am? he already knows.”

eve hums at the response to her offer, not really surprised by it. she knows luna will take care of herself however she needs to, and if she ends up needing to join eve’s group of course eve will let her. it isn’t even really eve’s group, of course -- minhee kind of spearheaded the whole process of getting the group together and distributing lines and such, but since almost all their members are sphere trainees ( except for a couple kt trainees, and one nova trainee who almost immediately dropped out ), eve is sure it wouldn’t be too hard to get luna in with them. everyone in sphere knows eve and luna, after all, since they’ve been here for so long. beyond any feelings of friendship between the trainees, it’d be downright rude for minhee or anyone else to say no to their sunbaes, though sphere has never really been a place where trainees use ranking against each other. 

she recognizes the song luna’s playing, though she doesn’t really know it well enough to hum along. she blinks at the mention of jinwook, her lips pursing at how easily luna guessed it. but of course, no one knows her better than luna, and she doubts anyone else would be able to guess that she was texting jinwook. eve can count on one hand the number of people who she’s even told about her and jinwook’s relationship. besides, the only two people she ever really snapchats with any sort of regularity are luna and jinwook, and since luna’s right here, it couldn’t have been a hard conclusion to come to. 

“i’m telling him how mean you are,” she replies, already typing out the new caption to replace her old one. “laughing at me for nothing,” she continues with an overdramatic pout. they both know luna was laughing at eve for being a total klutz and dropping her phone, but she specifically leaves that part out, instead turning her head to stick her tongue out at luna teasingly. 

[rkxeve]

reading tea leaves ;

[rkxeve]

junerk‌:

the moment he hears that voice and that nickname, he lights up, knowing exactly who it is. their ritual was something junmyeon was pretty fond of, and since it had been pretty hard for him to make friends and find amiable relationships with people in sphere, he was glad to have this. it was one of the few things keeping him at least somewhat excited to head into sphere everyday. 

he makes his way over and takes a seat across from her. “hey you~ long time no see?” he jokes, because they see each other all the time in the sphere building. he looks to the thermoses set out, taking the one meant for him and opening it to get a whiff of the contents. he could smell the chocolate already, and he was itching to try it. “wow, this smells amazing. i’m excited~” 

it was sweet of her to consider him when she had picked her new blends up, and he definitely appreciated it. the more time he could spend with his friend, the better. “the chocolate flavor won’t necessarily be sweet since sugar gets added to chocolate treats, but it’ll make the flavor a lot richer for this blend, depending on what else is in there.” he actually felt pretty confident that it’d be a blend he liked, so he wasn’t too worried about it. “shall we?”

the easy camaraderie between them comes after only a few months of junmyeon being in sphere, thanks to this habit of bringing tea for each other. eve’s smile is genuine as she continues blowing into her thermos to try and cool off the hot drink, her eyes sparkling with unreleased laughter as she does. “you know i always add a little sugar, junmyeonnie,” she says, mock-offended. “you know better than that.” 

after a final long breath over the top of the drink, she sends a smile across the table to her friend. “we shall!” she says, tilting the thermos back carefully, allowing a small sip of tea to slowly pass over her tongue. it’s still hot, but it isn’t quite hot enough to be painful, since she made it a while ago now. the thermos has retained a pleasant warmth to it, though, and eve hums contentedly as she considers the taste of the tea, glad that it isn’t so hot that it burns away taste buds. 

“you’re right, it’s really rich,” she observes, pausing to take another small sip before setting the thermos aside and considering the taste, instead using a knife to begin to spread peanut butter from the small pile on her plate onto the bagel. “it’s good, though,” she says, going through the familiar motions of preparing her breakfast, the same thing she’s eaten at sphere’s diner for months now: a bagel prepared as a peanut butter and banana sandwich. her banana sits to the left of her plate, ready to be peeled and cut so it can join the peanut butter in her bagel. “what do you think? i’m not sure how i feel about it,” she admits, setting the knife down when she finishes her spreading, picking up the thermos once more to take another sip. 

[rksora]

it makes my heart explode

[rkxeve]

rkjiwvn‌:

                                                    ❤  ◞  

time freezes on the spot and jiwon can feel her breath shorten ; clinging to her lungs as she prays to whatever god that was up there that what she had just heard was a figment of her imagination. that she hadn’t just been overheard. ( and here jiwon thought she was being as quiet as a mouse, figures – even that would backfire on her )

“u-um,” she turns on the spot, confronted with one of the other girls who had a laundry list of qualifications that jiwon could only dream of obtaining. not that that was a particular dream of hers, but wasn’t that what people usually said when they were confronted with overly-famous people who probably had better things to do than speak to normal mortals like jiwon, herself? ( yes, a hundred times yes ) nervous fingers shake, enough that jiwon has to forcibly use them to push blonde tendrils behind her ears in order to justify their uneasiness, stopping them as actions place necessity to the limbs and distract them from her anxiousness.

“i .. um, what i meant was –”

her heart is hammering against her ribcage as she tries to think up of all the excuses that could be said in that moment and she finds betrayal in her words because as honest as the blue sky, the words spill from her lips ; cheeks twinged red with shame. “i just … feel like …” she looks away, eyes downcast as she pulls at the sleeve of her sweatshirt, curling her fingers within the fabric. “it was a mistake … joining the group.” she looks around, straying her eyes away from the girl. anything to distract her from her friendly gaze, a gaze jiwon knew she’d fall victim to and spill to her heart’s desire if pressed ; at least, that’s what eve looked to be. she looked too trusting, too comfortable and jiwon was still a stranger, she couldn’t be swayed by nice girls she didn’t know ( no matter how pretty they were ).

“everyone is just … they’re so talented and i just know i’ll bring the group down.” i’m a nobody, after all.

eve’s casual curiosity morphs into concern as she looks at the girl who’s clearly about to die of nerves. she worries for a second that she’s done something to make the other nervous, but what could she have done? she’s been nothing but kind since she approached, and even before this conversation -- eve has always focused on being friendly, especially to the members of their group who aren’t sphere trainees. she supposes that it may be intimidating, since such a large portion of their group is from sphere, so they all know each other. 

“why would it be a mistake?” she asks, her eyebrows furrowed in concern. she wants to step closer, to provide the girl with a comforting shoulder touch or something, but if she’s somehow the one making her nervous, eve doesn’t want to make it worse. 

the other’s confession, her doubt in her own talent, has eve’s heart breaking just a bit. “don’t say that!” she says, unable to resist stepping forward and placing a cautious, gentle hand on the girl’s shoulder. she pauses for a second, remembering their introductions from the other day -- eve already knew everyone except for the three who weren’t from sphere, so with only three names to learn it isn’t hard for her to come up with the girl’s name. “it’s jiwon, right?” she asks, trying to make eye contact with the girl. “you’re in kt, aren’t you?”

she’s fairly sure she’s right about that, so she continues without much of a pause. “you know they signed you for a reason, right? i may not know how you were signed, but i know that katie lee and all the other ceos don’t offer contracts lightly. she decided to trust you in her company, you know? and she knows talent when she sees it! so even if you don’t think you’re talented, remember that katie lee thinks so.”

she bites her lip, wondering if she’s overstepping, but she can’t help it -- she can’t imagine just letting jiwon wallow in those negative emotions and nerves, after all.