All My Fault (Part One)
A/N: First of a two or three part series! Thank you for reading:)
Summary: You get hurt during a mission and Bucky blames himself. Tony has a heart to heart with The Winter Soldier.
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Stark!Reader
Warnings: ANGST, Language, Guilt
Word Count: 3.2k
He couldn’t quite understand how he got there, staring down at you. You looked so frail, so lifeless. Helplessly watching you hooked up to all of the machines and IV tubes had really done a number on him. He was so damn frightened when you were admitted, worried that you would never recover.
The mission had gone all wrong. The moment that Hydra had made an entrance, Bucky had lost all focus. His main objective was to make sure they didn’t get to you because they knew who you were.
They knew that you were Bucky Barnes’ everything. That you were more important than anything that Bucky had come to love in this new world he was being introduced to. That you were introducing him to. They knew that if they got to you, they’d get their soldier back because Bucky would sacrifice himself for you any day. He had miscalculated because you would do the same for him.
After everything that Hydra had done to him, after everything they had done to ruin his life and make him into a weapon to terrorize the masses with, this was the worst thing that they had ever done to torture him. One miss-step and the building was coming down, crumbling around you as you were knocked out, placed in the current coma you were under in the Med Bay.
He had sworn that the moment happened in slow-motion. One minute you were fighting off two agents while Bucky and Clint fought some others and Nat snatched the flash drive from the control panel. The next, a grenade had gone off, an explosion erupting, sending you all stumbling out of the remains. Once Bucky was able to get up, he found your body, your face battered and bruised with a large gash across your jaw.
He had never felt so helpless, so worthless in his life. He cradled your head, breathless. In a moment of instant panic, he hoisted you in his arms and ran to the quinjet where you were rushed back to the compound.
Bucky wasn’t the only one hurting in the wake of your severe condition. Steve had been pacing the whole ten hours that you were in surgery with Bruce and Dr. Cho while Wanda sought comfort in Vision in the waiting room. She had been crying since she saw her best friend beaten to a pulp.
Tony consoled Pepper who was a crying mess and Bucky could just see how badly your father wanted to burst into a sob. His baby girl was fighting for her life and all of the resentment he felt towards the man who had taken his daughter away from him, kept threatening to spill out in the middle of the mass amount of medical professionals he had employed.
Bucky didn’t have it in him to even move a single muscle. He sat in the chair where he had watched you get wheeled behind swinging doors with doctors and nurses rushing to give you oxygen and check your pulse.
Your blood was stained onto his hands, ingrained into the divots and creases near his flesh knuckles. His metal hand had formed into a fist, teeth gritted as he rocked himself on his feet. He wanted to scream or cry but he felt nothing, he didn’t allow himself to. It was his fault that you were so damaged and he felt the full force of guilt weighing him down in the same way that Hydra had forced him to harm thousands of people. He felt their pain; he saw the fear in their eyes. He had ruined so many lives and now you were suffering the same fate all because of him.
His eyes were becoming almost too heavy to keep open. The bags under his eyes weighed heavy and he wanted to sleep so bad. But he couldn’t. He was far too afraid that he’d fall asleep and you’d slip away without giving him a chance to say goodbye. Back during his Hydra days, he had been accustomed to keeping his eyes open for days at a time. He was too fragile to keep them closed while the threat of torture and murder bit at his heels like wild dogs.
These days, he was so used to sleeping within seconds that his head hit the pillow. It wasn’t the bed that let him dream peacefully but the woman in his arms. You had made everything easy for him; you were an angel.
No sleep had been in the foreseeable future as he stared at you from the chair beside your bed. It had been three days since you had returned from the mission and you were still not awake. Bucky hadn’t moved much either, insisting on staying put besides taking a shower but other than that, Steve basically had to force food down his throat. Bucky felt as though he didn’t deserve to eat if you weren’t able to.
He could see your grin so vividly, picturing how excited you got when it was time for lunch. He remembered your date at the diner his mom used to take him to as a kid and how much you loved everything about the place. Bucky could care less about where he took you as long as you were there because he loved you.
But now, now you were in a coma, your face swollen and patched up while various tubes filtered through your skin. He could barely stomach looking at what he had done but he forced himself to. He deserved to go through the pain of knowing what he did while you were in pain inflicted by him. He had sworn he’d protect you and take care of you but somewhere along the line, he had failed. He didn’t think that there was a way to fix this but he sure as hell needed you to wake up.
“Buck?” Steve called from the door of your med bay room and stared at his friend in concern. “Buck.” He repeated but Bucky was in no shape to be listening or talking to others. Not while the love of his life was fighting for her life.
“Bucky.” Steve placed his hand on Bucky’s shoulder, making his jolt in surprise. He caught his breath and then looked up at the blonde soldier.
“When was the last time you slept, bud?”
“I don’t know.” Bucky mumbled, putting his eyes back on his girl, watching her chest rise and fall to ease some of his jitteriness.
“You should get some rest. She can’t wake up and see you like this. You’re a mess.”
“If. If she wakes up. Based off of how it’s going, it’s not lookin’ too good, bud.” He spat in annoyance. Why couldn’t people just leave him alone to wallow?
Steve sighed and deep down knew that all of this had been built up. Bucky had been so afraid of losing you while you were perfectly fine that now you were actually hurt, he was a void of who he used to be. “She’s going to. You have to believe that she will because the way you’re going about it, it’s all wrong.”
“Leave me alone, Rogers.”
“Bucky-”
“Just leave.” Steve was no stranger to Bucky’s pointed attitude and somewhat off-putting remarks but he had a feeling that this was cutting deeper than any blade to pierce The Winter Soldier’s skin.
“I’ll be back around dinnertime. I’ll bring you something up. And please, just get some rest.” Steve patted Bucky on the shoulder before exiting the room and calling Wanda’s visit off. Wanda visited at least three times a day to try and get a reading on you but you were talented at blocking her signals, even when incapacitated.
Bucky glanced at your face, the most gorgeous face he had ever seen and felt tears welling up in his ocean blue eyes. There was a harshly wrapped bandage over your right cheekbone from where they had to sew up the deep gash that had made its way through your soft flesh.
The bruises were now turning a yellowish color as opposed to the darkened blue and purple that rose to your temple and jaw bone. There were various cuts littered over your cheeks and chin, ones even close to your eyes. Your lip had been busted and had to be sewn to aid in healing but your entire mouth was swollen.
A few salty droplets glided down Bucky’s cheek and his heart ached at what he had done. He hadn’t saved you in time and now he may never have time with you again.
Somewhere between the afternoon and evening, Bucky had left briefly to take an inhumanly fast shower before heading back to be with you. He sat at the edge of the bed you had shared and he sighed. He hadn’t had much time to grieve even though his thoughts tormented him at all seconds of the day. He began to let his eyes wander around.
They first hit the small couch that was in your room. It was deep onyx black with golden pillows set atop of it because you wanted it to mirror the color scheme of your own Iron Man suit. Bucky let out a breathy laugh softly to himself as he remembered when he was trying to read a book on the bed and after a few moments of silence, you threw a pillow at his head, engaging a pillow fight that ended in a stubbed toe and a broken lamp.
Next, he noticed some of your clothes left haphazardly on the floor, ones that he had specifically asked you to throw in the hamper before heading to the quinjet. Yet now, he didn’t have the heart to move them. He searched for you, in everything and anything. Of course, everything in that damn room had a memory laced within it. But one, in particular, was the framed photograph beside your bed. It captured a moment of pure bliss. You leaned up, kissing Bucky on the cheek while his eyes crinkled and was laughing because you licked his cheek.
He couldn’t help but let the dam break as sobs ripped through his taut chest and he buried his head in his hands. How could he lose you? How could he lose the one thing in his life that made his sorry life worth living in the damn first place? He wanted to break something, he wanted to scream and cry but he wanted you to be there to calm him down, to tell him that everything was going to be okay. But you weren’t there and it wasn’t okay. It wouldn’t be okay, not ever.
He must have been loud because a knock at the door made him snap out of his fit and get up, wiping away his self-inflicted pity tears. His eyes were red and cheeks were flushed as he opened the door and allowed his shoulders to sink.
“Thought a cat was dying in here based on the sounds you were making, my god.” Tony rolled his eyes, pressing passed Bucky and sitting down on the couch. “But then it occurred to me, you don’t have a cat! You don’t have a cat in here, right Barnes?”
“No sir, we don’t have a cat.” Bucky looked down at his feet as he approached the living space and sighed. You loved animals and while getting a cat might not be the pet you had always wanted, Bucky would get you as many fucking cats as you damn well pleased.
“Look, my kid is a strong woman. She’s fighting and as much as I dislike you, she seems to really care for you. So, what I can do is make sure that while she’s not here, that you are taking care of yourself. Look at you, Barnes. I’m guessing you haven’t slept in three days? Neither have I. But, you need to. You won’t be any help for her if you’re not taking care of yourself first.”
“Mr. Stark, she means everything to me and this is all my fault. The love of my entire long ass life is practically dying on an uncomfortable bed with a patch-work face and broken limbs all because of me. Hydra fucking knew that she was my greatest weakness.”
Tony sighed and cut Bucky off. “Is it really a weakness to love someone? I love Pepper. I painstakingly will admit that I love my friends. But my daughter, I love my daughter more than my own amazingly pathetic life and that isn’t the weakness people tell you it is.” Tony stopped to look around the room and spotted a Metallica shirt on the floor. “Brat took my favorite shirt.” And then he shook his head.
“Anyway, blah, blah, blah with all the ‘love is a strength’ and all that bullshit but there may be some truth in what they say. I’m not Iron Man because I like covering myself in titanium alloy for fun. Although my ass looks fantastic in red and gold. I might do it a little bit because I have a praise kink but that’s neither here nor there.” Bucky scoffed and Tony hit him upside the head, Bucky rubbing at the ache.
“Ultimately when it comes down to it, I became Iron Man because of the people I love, to protect them and make sure they get to be safe and live and enjoy life for all the reasons they were put on the earth to begin with.”
Bucky looked up at Tony in surprise reverence. Sure, he respected your father but he hadn’t had the easiest relationship with him. “I love her more than anything in this world and now-now I might lose her. So, how can I take care of myself when she’s in there, not able to laugh and talk and do whatever she wishes to do when it’s all on me?”
Free tears straggled down his face and he resigned in a chair across from where Tony sat. He had never thought in a million years that he’d be pouring out his heart to a man who seemed to hate him more than wearing the same suit within three months' time; Stark’s never wore the same thing twice until three months after wearing it the first time. He knew that from you.
Tony narrowed his eyes, studying the man’s depressed features. He understood what mourning felt like, what the weight of the world felt like as it bore down on his shoulders. It was too much and by the time he had realized it, the weight had broken his back. If he couldn’t do anything to help you, he’d help the next best thing.
“I’m going to be honest. I blamed you. Hydra targeted my daughter because she’s with you and you love her and all that garbage. She wouldn’t have been the main target otherwise.” He paused, drawing in a breath. Bucky flinched in shame and regret, knowing that it was his doing, that the world would lose an amazing person as a sacrifice to keeping the likes of him, a monster.
“However, I said I blamed you, as in the past.” Bucky looked up, hopeful with a warm sensation growing within his chest.
“You had no control over the situation and I can relate when it comes to trauma, Bucky. I am no stranger to taking in that burden of guilt and I’ll tell you, it’s fucking heavy.” Bucky nodded, understanding exactly what those words meant.
He had never known Tony Stark to have so many problems that actually affected him but you had often told him about your childhood. Tony was a great father but he dealt with a lot from your mother abandoning you to the fear of living a life where he had failed to save everyone around him. Bucky understood that pain, that agony that kept one up at odd hours in the night. He understood the yearning for love and compassion that had driven him to deserve love from you in the first place. You were his saving grace and he had to owe it all to the man in front of him.
“It’s not your fault for what played out. You have to understand that my daughter, much like me, is strong-willed and so damn stubborn. She doesn’t need a protector or a white knight. She’s going to do whatever she wants and she knew the consequences that came with being your girlfriend.” He rubbed his hands together, looking Bucky dead in the eye.
“She loves you, man. I don’t know why, but she absolutely, unequivocally loves you.” It pained your dad to accept that you weren’t his baby anymore but a grown woman who he couldn’t be any prouder of. Bucky tried to swallow through the thick air, thinking about how much he fucking loved you. You were his one. He was dead set on marrying you and he had to believe that there was still a future where that could all happen.
“She wouldn’t want you to be beating yourself up because of what happened so you shouldn’t. Get some rest, eat a pancake. Then, get your ass back up there and wait for her to wake up. The last thing she wants to see is Steve’s annoyingly handsome face fawning over her as the first sight she has seen in days. Trust me, I should know.”
Tony shrugged and got up methodically, pushing his hands in his pant pockets and heading for the door, leaving Bucky with a lot to think about.
“Thank you, sir.” Bucky spoke earnestly, purely from the heart. He needed to hear it and who would have thought it’d come from Tony Stark? Tony stood and grabbed his Metallica shirt off the floor, slinging it over his shoulder.
“Mhm. Tell anyone about this little pow-wow and I’ll be sending your ass a-packing.”
“Yes, sir.” Bucky nodded as Tony exited, closing the door lightly. Maybe he was right, maybe it really wasn’t his fault but some part of him was wired to take responsibility for hurt and destruction that came to others. He had just been used to harboring the blame and guilt but now he seemed oddly lighter.
Taking up Tony’s advice, Bucky rested his head against your pillow, taking in the smell of your shampoo that had left traced behind in the soft silk. In an instant, his eyes closed, dreaming of you, your laugh, your smile. God, did he love that smile. He loved you.
He got a few good hours of sleep before Friday initiated his wake up sequence where he had to be woken gently as to not trigger him.
“Sergeant Barnes.”
“What Fri?” Bucky sat up, rubbing the sleep away from his blurry eyes.
“It is imperative that you go to the med bay.” Bucky’s eyes opened wide, worry sending shock waves of pins and needles throughout his body. He stood up at an instant, not caring about what a mess the bed was.
“Why?! Is she okay?” He launched himself out of bed, rushing to the door to run into the med bay wing.
“Yes. Miss Stark has woken up.” Without hesitation or stopping to put on shoes, Bucky ran to the med bay barefoot to get his girl.