#split model attraction

[seacollectsrivers]

been seeing some thoughts about SAM/split attraction model, and i want togive my own two cents but im also like. not very smart or good at words lol.

but i think it boils down to: it's a tool, you dont gotta use it if you dont want to, and it's about as pathologizing as any type of label has the potential to be. no one has the right to force it on you if you dont want to use it for yourself, and not everyone who uses 2+ labels are using SAM (i've seen people explaining bi lesbians with SAM, which sometimes is the case but not always! depends on the person).

it's been super helpful in aro circles because romantic attraction is so nebulous and hard to define, and for a while a big part of ace activism was along the lines of "we're not broken, we can still love" which felt. not good, for folks like me lol. using SAM helped a lot of us understand that being sexually attracted but not having crushes etc is perfectly fine, and it helped aroaces understand that we're not broken for not having either.

2 cents there. I dont think it's right to treat it like one universal truth for everyone, but I definitely don't want people to dismiss it as "pathologizing".

[p3hero]

You could just call yourself a pan ace instead of using the SAM. Because the SAM relies on terms like homosexual (a slur) and that's just really unnecessary. Be a gay ace. Pan ace. AN asexual bisexual. it's really dangerous to imply that all bisexuals experience sexual attraction or that all gay people do unless they identify as asexual. Honestly, the SAM is dangerous for a lot of reasons (encourages a lot of internalize dhomophobia) and could just be avoided with simpler labels.

This is really silly to admit , but i didnt know homosexual was considered a slur to some people? I looked it up though , and it makes sense because of its use clinically and to this day as a pejorative term for gay people. But similiar to the word queer , I think its one of those words people can choose to take back so we have terms to discuss things accuretly among ourselves. If we refused to use any language  that non queer people tried to use against us we wouldnt have any terminology at all.  

But its fine to choose not to do so because it has been used against you though! You get to decide the langauge used to refer to you , but not decide the langauge other people use for themselves , which brings me to SAM now that ive had time to think and look up multiple perspectives on it.

 The suggestion of pan ace , is just a shortening of my current use of panromantic asexual. Gay ace doesnt explore the fact im potentially romantically interested in people of all gender identities. But its asexual bisexual that really rubs me wrong. Before I actively started using the word asexual as a label , i used pansexual. And that got me into a lot of situations where people assumed I was interested in sex , when I was not. Even if I stated im pansexual but not interested in sex. (the very thing that you are discussing that dangerous implication that because i am interested in someone its a sexual interests as well)  The split attraction model allows an open consice indicator that straight off the table states this is what is going on from a sexual perspective , this from a romantic. Which for A-spec people is important because its a way earlier on and effective way to come out. instead of i’m Pansexual *see terms and conditions that may apply I can state im panromantic asexual , any further questions?

i can see how for people not A-spec the model can be harmful as well though! It can complicate a process thats already really confusing in figuring out your orientation. Especially because I do think a large portion of people may not expierence a split attraction model , so its like adding an extra step thats not neseccary when exploring identity. But for people who do expierence split attraction models its very handy , and a useful tool to explore and normalize all the different nuances of what it means to expierence attraction and how it can be applied to multiple people in different contexts.  So I’m conceding that the split model can muddle things up for people that dont need to use it as a differentiator , and it can further some internalized thoughts.

But thats why education and visibility is so important. Why normalizing that attraction comes in all forms is important and that people should be able to explore that without repercussions or societal expectations. Its similiar to allowing and normalizing exploration of gender identity and expression in that regard , It may cause temporary confusion but it normalizes and allows better understanding of those who explored and came up with answers outside of societal expectations.

those original link provided makes a point that a young bisexual person had a hard time finding their orientation because of the split attraction model , but for me as a young panromantic ace the split attraction model DID help me find my orientation and express concisely what I was. thats important. You stated that “simpler is better” but all orientations are a spectrum there is no simple! Its a mess and can take a long time to figure it out. Limiting options can just make that process a lot harder for people that dont neatly fit into boxes.

So I dont think the SAM should be forced on anyone , but it isnt something that should be taken away completely either. If it helps people express their orientation they should use it. If it doesnt then dont use it.

[justfolieadoit-blog]

so I'm pretty young and I haven't had any sexual experiences but I think I might be ace, how do I figure it out?

it’s important to realize that you don’t have to have had any sexual experiences to be able to know what your sexual orientation is, regardless of your sexuality, and you are never too young to know this kind of thing. that being said, your identity can still change over time and it’s just as valid.

as far as figuring it out- as long as you feel like it’s something you can identify with, you can use the term! you also might want to look into other ace spectrum identities- i’d recommend looking at one of these- and see if you can find one that fits better than just “asexual” might. 

i’d also recommend checking out the split attraction model . while it isn’t helpful for everyone, ace and/or aro-spec people often find it useful. basically, the split model states that people can experience attraction in five ways: sexual, romantic, sensual, platonic, and aesthetic (platonic attraction isn’t discussed in-depth here, but it is what leads to squishes). 

that page is pretty text-heavy, so here’s a brief summary of each type of attraction:

sexual attraction- the desire to be in a sexual relationship with someone (this is a physical kind of attraction, and is often connected with someone’s romantic and sensual orientations but not always!)

romantic attraction- the desire to be in a romantic relationship with someone 

sensual attraction- this is also a kind of physical kind of attraction, but does not inherently involve sex. involves wanting to kiss/hug/cuddle/hold hands with/etc. another person

platonic attraction- the desire to be in a platonic relationship (note: you can describe yourself as aplatonic if you don’t desire platonic relationships, but only if you are also aro-spec)

aesthetic attraction- best summarized as “look but don’t touch”, basically this describes finding someone/something attractive but not in one of the ways mentioned above (think about how you feel when you see a beautiful sunset)

it can be hard distinguishing between some of these, so i would recommend looking here and here for more info

it can take a while to figure it out, don’t worry! it took my 2+ years to find a good way to describe my identity from the first time i heard the word “asexual”, and there are still times when i’m not quite sure about it. don’t feel any pressure to label yourself right away, and remember it’s okay if you end up deciding you aren’t actually ace