#spluckvents

[spluckwrites]

I was supposed to focus on my life, try to gain back my entire life that I lost due to my mental health, due to the decisions I didn't make. But instead now Im responsible for a kid, a kid who needs me for 5 years. Because my parents fucked me over again, because fucking my childhood up causing me to never recover and wasting my teenage years wasn't enough. Because now my life is about him until Im almost 30. And then what when I try to fix myself? I try to get better? I try to find something? I ignore the envy I feel towards people who had fun teen years? Who got to be stupid young adults? Knowing I got to waste a third of my fucking life because of my fucking parents. Because they were both so incompetent and failed their jobs so bad? I thought I was finally free, I thought I was gonna get better. Im so tired Im so tired and now he needs me because his parents are fucking stupid.

[spluckwrites]

Im so fucking tired. I had to deal with my emotionally explosive mother and my absent father. I raised their youngest when one was busy working and the other was unable to even walk. I took them to school when one was drunk and passed out. I fed them, tried my best to instill values into them. But I'm so tired it feels pointless. No matter how much I clean and try, its just mess every single fucking day. I'm so tired, I clean at work I get home and more cleaning. I'm so exhausted, I never wanted kids so how did I end up with two.

[spluckwrites]

Im so fucking tried bro, why do I have to do the cleaning cooking and shit every fucking day. All while your kids dont learn lessons just make more less like Im fucking tired of it, I dont feel like using my days off and coming home at 2am to fucking clean more. Hate how you get mad for me not being "responsible" but I have been for so fucking long can I just get a fucking break, not my fault your wife left.

[spluckwrites]

I was taught from a young age to conform myself to others or else I would be punished. If my mother was in a bad mood it was my responsibility as a kid to not be annoying, to not make mistakes. If I was angry or upset I learned to shut my mouth and just smile or else Id be punished. Again and again I was punished for having fear, for being angry, for being sad, and now I stand here knowing that any change in tone makes it hard to breathe and I become unreasonably scared of being punished again.

You molded me perfectly to be a good kid, so why am I still not good enough.

[spluckwrites]

I hate when he gets mad. No matter how much better he is now I just remember how bad he used to be. He starts throwing away anything in sight, I receive texts from my siblings saying he threw away homework or stuff I bought them. It ruins my day because I know everyone is on edge, why do I have to be the emotionally regulated person, why can he throw tantrums and I cant cry, cant express these feelings Ive been bottling up for years. Why cant he just fucking be an adult, why aren't you better.

[spluckwrites]

I hate being self aware. I hate knowing everything wrong with me and being incapable of just fixing it. I hate being so detached from my own emotions to where I feel like two separate people.

I know my brains irrational, I know its because of how I was raised, I know its not healthy, but fuck I cant just stop? I just can't stop.