I feel like my depression is getting bad again, but I still feel so guilty at the idea of having going to a counseling appointment. Like, so many people have dealt with so much worse, what business do I have being “depressed”?
But..it’s there. It has been for over a year and I just keep thinking if I pretend it isn’t, then it’ll go away on its own. And then I’ll have good days and sometimes even a couple good weeks and I’m like “It’s fine; clearly I was being melodramatic”. But...then it’ll get bad again. And I think I keep taking on other’s bad feelings too and then they’re going through shit and I feel I have to support them and I don’t deserve/need counseling because they’re worse off and I don’t practice self-care at all. Like, it’s so bad.
I haven’t been as low as I was in late Nov-Jan because....and I feel really guilty even typing this because my life is perfectly decent and I shouldn’t be depressed but I literally
I had thoughts of suicide. Multiple times. The scariest was definitely when I was behind the wheel and I blamed myself for my best friend’s sexual assault and I could not stop thinking about how I could just stop the overwhelming guilt and I clearly wasn’t doing any good for anyone and I was so fucking low. And earlier in January, I was so low ( I’m so good at hiding it normally) that my best friend was noticing that I was “off” and I couldn’t hide it. So I’d make up something about stress or not getting enough sleep and I still do the same thing about eating (though it hasn’t been as bad as it was Nov-Jan).
FUck. FUCK FUCKF FUCK FUCK FUCK
