Everything about this season brings flashbacks. I see Rob smelling the lilacs, and I feel his arm around me, saying slowly and deliberately that I am a very good mother. I hear him tell me that he enjoys watching me interact with Hope. He smiles when he says this. I know in my heart he doesn’t have much longer with us. I know this, but I suppress it so deep beneath my conscience that I push forward, breathing in all that needs to be done. I want desperately to curl up and weep. To close my door and hug my pillow and soak my sheets with my tears. But I can’t. I can’t feel deeply what is happening to us. I can only survive this...survive this.
Dear Spring, I want to fall in love with you again. I want to smell you the way I once did. I want to anticipate your rains and your everything new. But, I know that I will never again be able to see you the same way, to experience you the way that I’ve always known.
In you, there is still beauty. It’s only that I ache with it. It comes with a higher price.
I miss you Rob. Our crab apple tree is weeping with me. It decided to hold back it’s colors this Spring.
