Minecraft Dream File: Fia, Kat, & Squig
Squig - @searchin4arealitythatdoesntexist Fia - @stitchesfromtheneedle Kat - @explodingkatts
Content Warnings: Unreality, depictions of death, depictions of mental breakdowns, self-harm, and references to attempted suicide.
[Link to transcript of previous dream log referenced in current transcript.]
[Start of Dream Log]
[Kalei was impaled on a stalagmite while fighting Squig.]
Squig surfaced. She had been in the dripstone cave for HOURS it felt like. She couldn’t find them. There was no sign of Kalei anywhere. Not near the cave itself, not in any of the tunnels they explored, not even…
(Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK.)
Squig had just given up. She wasn’t going to find them here. If they return to the cave later, that’s their prerogative. Instead, she would have to go find them herself. Maybe before they come back? Fuck if Squig knew. She already had a headache from the whole ordeal.
(Goddamn it Kalei… I can’t have a single normal interaction with you, now can I?)
She went to her base. Dropped off the iron, dripstone, and lapis (it wasn’t a very big haul of lapis… The entire purpose of this trip was for nothing…) and continued out the door once more. (Find Kalei. Make things right. That’s…. What you’re supposed to do, right? I’m doing the right thing, right? Fuck if I know actually. God…. Why am I such a fuck up..?)
Fia was, in stark contrast to Squig, very calm. She was going around looking for… wait, what was she looking for again? Oh right, a better cave. That other one was very dry.
She wandered through the landscape, looking around for any points of interest. It was a little far from the beach perhaps, but that’s alright. It seemed pretty peaceful out here, a little lonely maybe. Speaking of, she hasn’t seen another person in a while… have people really not come across this stretch of land?
Oh. Wait. Is that a house over there? Pausing, she squinted. Yep, that’s a house alright.
“Huh. Didn’t think anyone else was out here.” Eh, why not check to see who was there? Maybe they’d know a better cave around here. Trudging over, pickaxe in hand, Fia looked around for literally anyone else. “Hello? Anyone here?”
Kat was watching. Obviously, this little lurker could only spy.
Hm… What were they getting up to - OH. MY. GOODNESS.
WAS THAT A FELLOW CAT FRIEND. POTENTIAL FRIEND.
… Oh, wait. There was Fia, too. Hmm.
This was really interesting. Time to watch!
Squig wandered out of her base, still lost in thought… Her furrowed brows creased as she paced past the polished andesite walls of her micro-castle in the hill. (I really gotta stop mining andesite when I’m not playing Create…)
The rainbow cape trailed behind her as she walked, tail flicking back and forth beneath it. Squig had not noticed a single part of her surroundings outside of her racing thoughts. Not even the person she literally walked directly past.
Wow. It was… a pretty nice base. Fia stopped to look at it, wondering who in the world would use this much andesite. Well, it looked good at least, the little castle that it is. Someone walked past her, and Fia caught sight of a tail and a rainbow cape. Wait, wasn’t that Squig’s skin?
“Squig? Hey, wait up!” Fia turned and jogged after Squig, brown hair flying behind her. Fia looked pretty much exactly as she did in real life, so it was pretty hard to mistake her for literally anyone else.
(Cool base. Cool people. Keep a low profile, Kat! You can't be caught snooping. Not again… Not after the first few times.)
“But Squig’s cool Minecraft skin…” A part of Kat whined to say hello.
(… Recon mission. Gotta remember. )
Squig kept walking. She had one goal in mind, one PERSON in mind.
(No… Two. Kalei and I. I shouldn’t be on my mind. I shouldn’t be… But. But, I am. I hate that I am. I truly am selfish. I’m selfish, I’m selfish, I’m….)
She couldn’t help but sob again. It hit her just what she did once more and she was crying all over again. Fuck. FUCK, FUCK -
Bonk.
She stepped onto someone’s foot. Wait…
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH?!?!?!?”
Squig hopped back, terrified of whoever it was she literally ran into.
“Aah! Ow!” Fia yelped, hopping on one foot. “Squig?!” Damn, that hurt. But it’s not that bad, it’s just her foot after all. Admittedly, that scream did also startle Fia.
“Uh, Squig? Are you okay??” Fia asked, putting her pickaxe away in her hotbar. “You’re crying. Did something—” Oh. Wait. Fia recalled that death message earlier. Was Kalei fighting Squig? Maybe it was an accident. Maybe Squig accidentally hit Kalei while they were mining or something.
“Um… hey, it’s fine, it’s just me, Fia. Are you like… do you need help?” Fia cringed. How awkward. “I uh, didn’t expect to run into you here…”
(Oh, shit. That's right. Squig was crying. Well…)
“...damn maybe I shouldn't be spying on this”
Kat felt a wave of guilt stream through her… (This didn't feel right to snoop on.)
Squig snapped back into reality. (No… Not reality. Not… Not reality..?)
It’s Fia. It’s… It’s Fia. Fia.
FIA.
“Ka…. Fia, I…. Kalei - have… Have you seen Kalei? Have…”
(No, no, NO, you shouldn’t see them, you shouldn’t be NEAR them, why are you even - )
“NO. No wait, I… Fuck, Fia, I’m sorry! I’m so SO sorry, I didn’t mean to - I didn’t mean to HURT them, I didn’t mean to - “
The nyan catgirl’s tears didn’t stop flowing. She clutched her skull again, clawed hands digging back into her head, the previous scratch marks that had healed over due to how quickly her body recovered in this world (This GAME THIS GAME THIS GAME) now reopened, the blood repooling on the surface of her scalp and on the bottoms of her toe beans.
“Uh—hey, Squig, i-it’s okay, it’s alright—” Fia approached Squig quickly, struggling to decide how to help her. Well, first thing’s first.
“Y-you’re bleeding, Squig. No, I didn’t see Kalei yet, but I’m sure they’ve uh… what’s the word, respawned already back at our base. It’s okay, Squig. Please don’t hurt yourself.” Fia tentatively reached to pry Squig’s claws away from her head.
It was similar to watching a car crash in slow motion. Kat couldn't look away from the terrifying scene, Squig made herself bleed from her stress and Fia worriedly tried to help.
… And all Kat could do was watch.
Because, well, how in the world was she supposed to pop out of hiding this time? ‘Hey, sorry guys, just happened to be listening in on a moment I shouldn't have’???
Confliction set in. She couldn't stay here, that would just lead to watching what could likely be a good old Minecraft kill. (And fuck, would Squig be in for a ride and a half if she even artificially did anything to Fia. Even hypothetically it made Kat’s vision blurry from frustration.)
…But she couldn't leave this place, either. Once again, how could she explain watching? Or, even if she tried to flee, they would hear her tail. Everyone in earshot could hear it.
Confliction, indeed.
“Fia, I… I don’t…”
Squig’s claws retract from her head. She whimpered, not just from the pain. (I’m used to the pain, I’m… I’m used to it, so used to it…)
“I killed them, Fee. I - I didn’t mean to… We had an argument and…” (I didn’t believe them. They didn’t believe me. They were in pain. I made the pain worse… Oh God did I make the pain so so so much worse.)
“I’m awful. I’m just… I broke the fourth wall, said too many things weren’t real. And… They aren’t. They CAN’T be,” her voice hitched, “Magic isn’t real, GODS aren’t REAL. I KNOW what’s REAL…” Her claws extended again and she attempted to grab at her skull once more.
“S-Squig? What are you talking about? The fourth wall?” Fia had no idea what a fourth wall even is, but she knew that Squig will only hurt herself more if she doesn’t step in now.
“Hey, Squig? It’s gonna be alright, this is just a dream! It doesn’t—it doesn’t really matter, it’s not going to affect them in real life, you know that?” Fia stepped forward and gently grabbed Squig’s wrists, holding them away from her head. Yes, it hurt when the death message popped up, but Fia reminded herself that it was all just a dream.
Right. Squig still believed that everything’s an ARG. That magic wasn’t real, and gods weren’t real. Except they were. But now, being “right” is inconsequential when compared to Squig’s mental stability. Who knew what would happen if she didn’t calm down? Ok. Simple. Just get Squig to calm down. Problem? Fia… didn’t really know how to do that. Usually she’d hug her friends when they were breaking down, but she wasn’t sure that would help right now. Dammit, the one time she had to be so useless…
“Uh, um—no, they’re not real, Squig.” Lying. Oh, how Fia hated lying. She was cringing on the inside at how terribly she lied. It made her stomach turn. “It’s just a dream, Squig, plea-please don’t hurt yourself over a dream… Please?”
(The fuck, Fia? Don't feed into her delusions.)
“Alright, yup. That's enough.” Kat was so fucking done with this that she used her wings to fly down. To prove a point. (Look at the wings, Squig. Remember. Do you remember how they made you feel?)
(Look up at the “angelic” being flying down towards you from the sky. Was this fake, ‘Squig’? Were you dreaming here, or in the “real world”? Just how long could you continue to hide behind this, ‘Squig’? )
(How terrified it made you to wonder just how those “special effects” worked? Look at me, a being of pure, real pain turned into something new.)
… Kat checked the chat. Now she knew. Squig had killed Kalei, in this twisted dream.
Kat wouldn't let either of them look away, then.
Not if it meant further allowing the truth.
(Do you remember watching Kat ascend to godhood? Who in their right mind would falsify those screams? The blood? The wings that tore through her skin and bones?)
“I think you two have said enough. It's time to face the cold hard facts.”
Squig stared up in horror at the wings once more. The sense of comfort they gave her after she had finally gathered the bravado to touch them faded in an instant.
Now, they were the same reminder they were before.
(A human is not light enough to be carried by wings. A human cannot GROW multiple limbs from their BACK in a moment of gore and confusion… A human cannot teleport, a human cannot fly, a human, a human, a human….)
She could feel it in her spine. The memories. The Episode she had as well (Downy feathered torn across the yard, mangled mess of limbs on a lifeless, human human human Kat) her breathing became heavy once more, her claws extended in full as she tore at her head again
(STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP - )
Squig gasped.
(NO.)
Her vision blurred as she fell to her knees.
(... No.)
Everything went numb.
(It doesn’t deserve to be stopped. I KILLED them. I killed again. This isn’t real. Why does it feel so REAL though? I know the guilt is real, Kalei has the disorder too. They FELT that. They felt something so real not real not real not real not - )
Her breathing hitched.
(Is this real? Is this not real? How does one tell in a game like this one..? This is not real.)
She shut her eyes, claws digging deeper into her flesh (deep deep deep, scarring in the waking world these would be, but not here because this is not real.)
She nearly fell. Her heart raced, tears struck down her face…
She was in the principal’s office again.
She was young (so so SO young but not the youngest she was), and she did something at school (What was it? What was it?) and… And she had to call someone. (No, not mom, not mom, not mom, who else could I - )
“STOP.”
Squig smacked herself. She smacked herself in an attempt to ground herself. (Anything ANYTHING to snap herself out of it, this is the LAST MEMORY i would like to relive through, and here HERE in front of THEM they don’t KNOW what you did, what you CAUSED, ██████!!!)
But instead of a palm hitting her cheek, a worst pain occurred.
The claws were outstretched. She hit her face.
Her glasses were there, they almost blocked it.
Almost...
The guttural scream that etched from her body as her claw hit her right eye. Her yowl of pain was as human as it was felid. It HURT it fucking HURT, but… It snapped her out of the early phase of her episode.
Squig was there. She existed. She… She was playing a VR game and… And Fia and Kat are here… And now, there was a scratch on her right eye, which was also bleeding profusely.
(What the- )
“Kat?!” Fia stared up in disbelief. “Wh- no, Squig no STOP-”
But she could only watch in horror as Squig’s claw hit her eye.
“SQUIG!! No no no no no—” she ran to Squig’s side, pushing her arms away and checking the wounds. It was pointless, she knew it was all a dream, but the pain was about as real as it can get. “Ugh, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry—” Fia choked on her words. “It- it’ll heal soon, just- just give it a minute—”
While holding Squig’s arms down again, Fia turned to look at Kat. “What was THAT for?!” why was she yelling? Fia didn’t usually get angry. “You- you didn’t have to do that, Kat!”
Her arms were trembling.
“WHAT– WHA- I…. Fia, I-” Kat stumbled, glamoring her wings away. “...I didn't know- what was- I didn't know she'd-.... Oh my Gods.”
(Don't run away. Don't run. Don't.)
(You did this.)
(Look at what you did, Katherine.)
… You made Squig scratch her eye. Who fucking knows if she actually has real repercussions from this? What was Kat thinking?
“...I’m so sorry.”
Squig smiled as best as she could upon hearing the apology, the pain was easy to ignore but she made absolute certain she could feel it. (So I can punish ground myself…) She spoke in as steady of a voice she could muster despite the screaming and externalized inter-turmoil from earlier, “It’s okay, Katty!~ I needed this~ I… I needed this…”
“Sooo…” She swallowed, attempting in vain to ignore the blood on her face, “I, uh… Heard about the polycule! Good for you guys!~ Glad it’s official!~”
“And..... I just… killed… Your third. So sorry about…” Squig refocused on the pain of her eye. It was real, it was real, it was real, it was REAL, IT WAS REAL.
BONK.
Her hand slipped out from beneath Fia's grasp and she hit herself, instinctually learning that perhaps the claws weren’t the best method of protecting others stopping herself. (What’s the difference? What’s the difference? Nothing nothing nothing…)
“Sorry. Just… Sorry. Are y’all sure you wanna be around me while I’m, uh… Like this?” The gray furred catgirl said, still attempting a smile while wiping some more of the blood off of her face and onto the tan cardigan and pink sprinkle patterned shirt.
(Heh… It’s like the jam filling came out of the poptart…)
(…)
(I’m not funny…)
Fia sighed, holding back her own sobs. She let go of Squig, realizing that her efforts won’t stop her. Instead, she tore off a strip of fabric from the sleeve of her dress, handing it to Squig.
“Here. You can use this to wipe off the blood.” Fia said. “I’m… sorry about that.” She looked back at Kat, her expression resigned.
“Oh. You uh… heard about us?” Suddenly, Fia cringed slightly. She didn’t realize that other people knew, nor did she exactly recall telling anyone else. She wasn’t that type of person. “Um… it’s alright, Squig. We’ll stick by until it’s over. Don’t worry.” As per usual, not the type to just leave people alone in a difficult situation, eh?
“...Should. Should I go?” Kat had never had such a flat tone to her voice before. She saw how Squig looked. Bloody, terrifying, scared.
(Kat needed to leave. She was in the way. Far away. But the last time she did that….)
The pinker catgirl shook her head. “Clearly this isn't a good thing to butt in on. A-also… Could you maybe not spread that around until all three of us are more comfortable with sharing about it?... Just in case anyone isn't?”
Squig first addressed Fia, “No, it’s… Fuck. You really didn’t have to… I’m literally wearing a giant ass rainbow cape right now,” she lifted the cape to show just how long it is, “I know it’d be sacrilege to ruin this during pride month, but I feel like this would make SO much more sense to use as spare fabric right about now…”
Then, she addressed Kat, “And.. I won’t. Trust me, the… The last thing I want is to fuck everything up even more royally for you guys. And… And even when they respawn,” (If. IF they respawn. If there is ANY amount of truth to their poor health - ) “They’ll hate me as per usual, but… They’ll be fine. They’ll be… They’ll be fine,” She emphasized the F in the final ‘fine’. As if that would make it more true. (It did not, it did not, she KNEW it did not, it’s not even that they’ll hate me, it’s that they’ll FEEL it, it’s that with a heart like theirs it could have - )
“Can one of you stop me from hitting myself again please?”
“Y-yeah, I’m coming..” Fia said, moving forward and holding Squig’s arms down again. “It’s gonna be fine, Squig. I’m sure they’ll be fine. They’ve respawned by now I think, that’s how Minecraft works isn’t it?” Yeah, they’ve respawned. That’s how Minecraft worked. They respawned quickly the last time they died too, so surely it’s going to be alright, right?
“No, Kat. Stay. Please?” She looked back, her eyes saying what she wouldn’t out loud: they were going to talk about this later. “It… it’s gonna be fine. Trust me.”
“...What even happened? I mean, if you don’t wanna tell me, that-that’s okay of course…” Fia can just ask Kalei later if Squig didn’t want to say anything, so it’s fine.
Kat’s heart melted into an eased, calmer approach than running. Just from one look from her platonic partner. It was okay. They'd handle whatever that was later. Focus on helping Squig.
“...We’re here for you, okay?”
(They shouldn’t be. These two are THEIR partner, I should NOT matter to them! If my old partner saw me getting comforted by someone else, or visa versa, they’d be….) Squig inhaled. Then exhaled. Deep, deep breathes. (They aren’t here. Kalei… Kalei isn’t them. And these two aren’t him either. And.. And I’m not it either was well.)
She twitched her little pink nose in an attempt to readjust her glasses without moving her paw-hands near her face. With two closed eyes, she began, “I… Got into an argument. With Kalei. After… After they revealed that they… The might know my disorder, the - the one that makes me…” (Awful? Violent? Unempathetic? A freak who doesn’t deserve the air she breathes because she’s the reason MULTIPLE PEOPLE ARE - ) “Like this. The disorder that makes me… Like this.”
(Breath again, Squigs… Please…)
Deep breath in, deep breath out.
“I thought… They might’ve seen… Something really bad during their time getting their psychology degree. My… I have relatives that were… Case studies.” Her tail curled around her body, “Brain scans. Their names and faces and… Everything. It’s all on there. But worse…” Squig gritted her teeth. She almost went to grab her head again, but she powered through it, (LET YOURSELF FEEL IT, YOU UNEMPATHETIC FREAK.)
“It also lists what killed them. They…” Squig hiccups, “They have the footage. They have…. They said so, at the university back when my folks did willing brain scans, they…”
She swallows. “Kalei must’ve seen them. That’s.. That’s the only way they could have known. They MUST know my name. My REAL name. And worse, they likely saw… Saw….”
Squig’s hands struggle against Fia’s grasp. Her voice is no more. Only hiccups and sobs.
Fia has… honestly, no idea what in the WORLD Squig is talking about. But it sounded pretty bad. Like, really really bad.
Right now, Squig needed comfort. Look, she was crying. So Fia comforted Squig the best way she knew how: with a hug. Fia wrapped her arms around Squig, making sure that Squig’s arms were restrained. It wasn’t a very tight hug, but definitely not one that Squig can wiggle out of easily.
“Oh… Squig…” Fia sighed. “I… I’m sorry…” How should she tell Squig that Kalei probably didn’t see those files? That the King’s knowledge probably gave them information on her disorder? No, she can’t even begin to explain. That would only make things worse.
“I… I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if Kalei actually got the files, or maybe they just did some really niche reading or something, but.. I’m sure it’ll be okay, Squig.” From under the ripped section of Fia’s sleeve, further up her shoulder, did it look… purple? Or blue? Speckled with white dots and thin lines… did Fia add this to her Minecraft skin? No, surely not… how strange indeed.
All Kat could really do at this point was twiddle her thumbs and continue to watch.
(Because that seemed to be all she could do lately. Watch.)
Watch as Heart scaredly left, and hadn’t called for her since. (Who knew where the poor girl was.)
Watch as she tore out Kalei’s stomach, rather hypocritically killing them. (That wasn’t her. She didn’t want to think about Siege possibly lurking somewhere deep in her subconscious.)
(Watch as…)
(It didn’t matter.)
(None of it did, none of it mattered, help Squig you selfish prick.)
“...”
Kat couldn’t move. She just watched. Like the loser she knew she was becoming throughout this sick dream.
Squig’s brain reset in Fia’s embrace. Her muscles were tense, heavy. As if letting herself be soft would hurt her…
(Not Squig. Fia. It would hurt Fia, in her distorted worldview.)
Squig tried to relax, (You're in the arms of a trusted friend, you can let GO you IDIOT.) but the pain remained. Her muscles remained stuff.
She breathed. In and out again. Repeated several times until she could speak once more.
“It wasn’t… In many files,” She choked out, “It’s… Debated. Not recognized in most places. Not in the DSM. Prolly won’t ever be given the total cases. Which is… About a hundred. Ever. In all of recorded history world wide.”
(And so many of them share my last name…)
(Breathe. Just… Breathe.)
In and out. “It’s so uncommon that… That my ex… He… Was always the techy sort,” (Breathe in and out, Squig.) “He has… Webcrawlers I think. Knows how to track me from… My name and.. And my disorder, at least,” (No, keep breathing, me. C’mon… In and out…) “I… I told Kalei. After I… After I broke down after finding out they know the disorder’s name,” (DON’T. Don’t DARE reach for your scalp, don’t you DARE.) “It… They should NOT know the name of that disorder, at ALL. If they know the name of it, and… And post it anywhere… When I’m someone featured so much on their blog…” Squig swallowed.
“Kalei would be dead. And… And I don’t know if that’s a hyperbole.”
The sentence lingers in the air a moment before Squig says, “They didn’t believe me. About… That part. I think… And…” her eye drifted to the claw that tried to catch them. The same one that just poked out her eye. The same one still coated in red. “And then I just… I snapped.”
Fia was silent. She hugged Squig tighter, making sure she wouldn’t be able to reach up to hurt herself. The blood made her feel sicker the longer she looked at it. It reminded her so much of that awful night when she drove that paring knife into Kat’s heart to save her.
“They won’t post it.” Fia said resolutely, looking up at Squig in the eyes. (Why were her eyes tinted slightly purple?) “They won’t. They’re not that kind of person, and I’ll make sure they won’t post it anyways. Alright?”
Fia sighed. “Your ex um… sounds a little uh… forgive me for saying this, but he seems a bit crazy. I don’t know why he would want to like, find you, or worse, have such murderous tendencies—” Fia distinctly recalled her own stalker, who hired those people to kidnap her. It was… yeah. Not something she would want to relive, nor want anyone else to experience. Though, Squig already has experience dealing with this type of stuff, so who knows how helpful Fia can be?
“I’m sure Kalei doesn’t resent you or anything. I… how can I help you, Squig?” Well, may as well just ask outright at this point. Fia looked over at Kat, her eyes also asking the same question.
“Fuck that ex. Oh my Gods, dude, how did you even manage to be around someone like that?” Kat exclaimed in a rasp. She crossed her arms, watching even now.
She didn’t know how to help, or even how to help herself.
Zeroing in on the issue, she ignored the way her hind paw gently tapped on the grass nervously.
(Fia’s being nice but…) “I didn’t say the full story. The… The stuff I said when I snapped. About… Abou - "
Squig looked up. A square shaped bee buzzed by, pollen falling off in particles as it flew back into its hive. (Flower forest biome. I think this is the same one I made those flower crowns with Daize in…) The air that filled her lungs felt fresh. Her back wasn’t slunched over on the floor of a kitchen in a sleeping bag. She wasn’t indoors. She was outside, she FELT outside. (It felt REAL. Truly REAL REAL REAL REAL - )
“This isn’t real.” The tears returned, but she wasn’t sobbing, “This isn’t real. It CAN’T be real. You can’t just… Ratboy Genius yourself into a Dream Dimension of Minecraft!!! But… That’s… I called something far worse not real because…” now she was sobbing again, “Because… It can’t be. It CAN’T be. It doesn’t make any logical sense. But Kalei FELT it, I saw it on their face, when I tried to…” She struggled against Fia’s grasp. Squig focused on the pain in her eye. (It was real, you are real, this is reality, this is…. This is….)
“They have to have it. There’s… No other logical explanation for… For feeling such… So many things that aren’t real. That’s.. That’s the main symptom, it’s - it’s the pain. The way if you think too hard about gore, you’ll FEEL it. Or - or remembering pain too. My meds help, but…”
Squig chokes again, “Kalei isn’t medicated. Not for this…”
“But.. I feel so cruel. They TRULY believe this, don’t they? And.. And you two do too…”
Her breathing quickened again. She shut both her eyes, hard HARD. If eyelids could bruise by closing them, that’s what Squig would have done.
“I… I know how the world works. I SWEAR I do! My mom was WRONG. The government was NEVER after us, she was ALWAYS wrong! The cartoons I watched never spoke to us, the mail carriers didn’t have bombs, there were no secret messages in the newspapers, and the government, as SHITTY as it is? It… It doesn’t work like that. You can’t just post literal fucking red rooms on TUMBLR of all websites. That’s insane! That’s… That’s not something anyone, let alone a US official would DO.”
(Deep breathes, deep, deep… Deep breathes….)
“But everyone believes it. Everyone believes it. So… Am I the insane one? Am I insane for thinking logically? Knowing that Gods aren’t real? For knowing that magic isn’t FUCKING real? For knowing that all of this SHITTY ARG BULLCRAP isn’t FUCKING real???”
(Deep…. Breathes….. Deep…)
“Am I real..? I don’t know any more. I don’t… I don’t know.”
In the back of Squig’s skull, a memory replayed. Loud and violent.
(̷T̶H̶E̴ Ṡ̵͇Ọ̸͒U̷N̷̗̓D̴̢̑ ̵̰͌ ̴O̸V̷ER̷ ̴T̸H̷E̸ ̵P̷H̶O̸N̴E̷ ̷W̷H̸͒Ê̴̙Ǹ̶̠ ̵͓̇T̶̝̄H̷̓E̵̡͂Y̴̡̾-̶ ̵)̸
The unstable catgirl broke free from Fia’s grasp and attempted to reach between her bloodstained cat ears.
Yes, it was true. Gods, magic, and various entities really do exist. Fia knew that much. She has seen so much to prove that it was true. But Squig? Squig can’t be convinced. Not without destabilizing her more.
“No—” Fia gasped in horror when Squig wrenched her arms away from her, and she lunged to hold them back down again. “Kat, HELP!!” she shouted.
“Squig, you are real, I can promise you that! You’re as real as me and Kat and Kalei are! I-” Well, Squig had a point… what DMS agent would post such disturbing things on Tumblr of all places? Maybe these were just… particularly cruel. Who knows.
“I- I know it doesn’t make any sense, it doesn’t make sense to me either, but you have to believe me when I say that regardless of whether or not everything else is real, you and I are. So— uh, please— Kat, please help?!” Her arms were shaking from effort. Dammit Squig, stop fighting so hard when she’s trying to help!
Autopilot turned on as soon as Kat heard Fia yell out her name, twice nonetheless. She pounced into action, holding down Squig’s arms from behind her. “...” That Ratboy Genius mention was actually kind of funny. She would have laughed at the well-placed reference if it weren’t for the fact it was more important to keep the unstable woman in place.
“...I’m here, okay? I’m helping. Trying to at least- damn.” Squig was definitely a squirmer. This was not easy, but a task like this was a necessity. “You’re as real as the rest of us, just like Fia said. I’m.. I’m sorry about the wings, I needed a way down from the trees as fast as possible and wasn’t really thinking of the implications it could plant into someone’s mind.”
Kat sighed, keeping a firm grip.
“I don’t know why you insist we’re all crazy for allowing ourselves to realise…” She thought to herself, invisible wings making themselves known in her memories.
Squig struggled, squirmed in the grasp of the fellow felid. She tried to escape, to RUN. (TO GET TO THEM TO SAVE THEM TO DO SOMETHING ANYTHING LITERALLY ANYTHING DON’T LEAVE PLEASE DON’T GO), she had to leave, she had to GO she had to - NO.
(No. No, that’s… Not right.)
She flexed those tense muscles, hardened and fiery, fueled by adrenaline and the want to do… To do… To do… Something. Anything. The impossible.
She couldn’t. The past was unfixable.
(THIS is unfixable. I am. I am unfixable…. They were unfixable.)
For a brief moment, she was there again.
(An image clear as day of a little girl, a young me, not a Squig or a Shelley but ██████. Just ██████. On that phone in the principal’s office. Unable to help. Desperately TRYING to help, to… To undo it. To FIX it. But as the principal tried to make herself calm, pretending like she didn’t hear what I heard too, I had just now understood the reality of the situation. The reality of what I’d done. For a moment, a single FUCKING moment… My delusions made me believe in a reality that doesn’t exist. And now, I was trapped in reality. The REAL reality. The one I would cling onto like a lifeline because even if I LOATHED it for what happened… But it wasn’t reality’s fault. It… It was my fault at the end of the day. Because magic isn’t real. I had no reason to go to the principal’s office. But I did. And I called and they - )
“Ma - magic isn’t real. Magic isn’t… It isn’t……”
Squig’s body gave one final shake like a death rattle before she gave in. She went limp, like a ragdoll. (Which, sadly, wasn’t a cat pun in this context.)
The fight in her was gone. (No… Not gone. Not focused on this. The body isn’t important. Not in comparison to the mind.) Her slack body flopped in Kat’s arms.
The more wet (due to blood) of the two cats spoke again, moving her gray furred face as far away as she could from Kat’s shirt as to not make it messy with her tears and… Not with blood. (It’s too late for that…)
“I’m… I’m trying so hard. I’m trying… So SO hard not to give in. Not to HURT anyone. Not again. Never again… If I lose my reality… I have nothing. No, worse… I’ll take. I’ll…”
She sniffs, a vain attempt to make sure she doesn’t say -
“I’m… I’m a murderer. I lost myself. Once. I… I believed in such, SUCH a false reality that… That is… It killed them. I killed them. All of….”
Her jaw jammed itself shut. The confession was over. The part she allowed herself to say, anyway.
…So did Fia now know 3 murderers? Maybe. Does she care? Not the slightest. At least, not right now when she can’t really do anything about it. Not like she didn’t almost kill people either.
“H-hey. It-it’s okay, you’re not who you were back then anymore. I know you won’t let yourself give in,” Fia pulled on her braid anxiously. “I know you won’t let yourself hurt anyone again. Don’t give up hope, alright?” She glanced back at Kat, giving her a small smile.
“So… um…” Gosh, how was she supposed to continue this? Should they just leave? Squig seems pretty stable now…
Well, Kat didn't exactly expect Squig to go full-on backstory mode. She definitely didn't expect to hear that very invasive memory of hers, banging on Squig’s brain like a prisoner in the jail cell of the subconscious. Her heart weighed heavy. Her heart called into action.
“... Squig.” Oh, shit, right. Kat propped Squig up a bit, nearly forgetting. “I'm very sorry that happened to you… And I know how hard it must have been to carry that guilt, even now. You're capable of being strong. You just need to find it… In your heart, and mind.”
The (relatively more composed) catgirl made sure to point to where her ‘heart and mind’ was. For extra effect. “Finding that path is not the easiest. Sometimes you need to cross your way through an adventure, or tear a piece of yourself to continue the journey. But no matter what, you must keep fighting. Okay? For everyone who you've ever loved, and everyone who you will find in your future, you must prevail.”
It was like Kat was on autopilot, giving the girl odd advice and holding onto her gently. It was almost like she did let her heart take over.
The gray felid closed her good eye. Her body was no longer tense, just a bloodied, rainbow pile of mush where a catgirl should be. Despite herself, she let herself be grounded in the embrace, pink fur brushed against a gray-dyed-red. (I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t, not me. Kalei was the one who died. Because I killed them. Because I…)
“I’ve spent my entire life policing myself. Forcing myself to know with absolute certainty what is and isn’t real so that I don’t make the same mistake again,” (Or, for that matter, anyone else’s mistakes.) “I try so hard. Every moment of every day, my mind is on overdrive trying to make sure I know what’s REAL and what ISN’T. It’s.. The only way.”
A shaky breath.
“This is real and I killed Kalei,” Squig rubbed her face against the shoulder of her blooded cardigan, the only part her face would reach without moving her hands, “This is real and… No. Best case scenario! This is a vivid dream and nothing more. A nightmare. As per usual. But that… That doesn’t make sense either. This has lasted too long, and… And it’s far less gorey than most of my nightmares. But… I don’t GET better outcomes in my life. So I think… I just killed someone again. Someone you two love more than anything. Someone you… You shouldn’t be comforting me over the fact I KILLED them.”
(Steady, Shells… Steady…)
“I’ve carried my sins on my back for around twenty years. Kalei feels pain in their dreams, just like me, don’t they? That’s the only logical…. Because if they don’t? Then everything I know is a lie. Or… Or everything everyone else knows is a lie. Are my mother’s delusions real as well? Are my own? Are… How far does this go..?” Squig’s voice cracked. “Either everything in front of me now is real or it isn’t. And I genuinely don’t know which is worse.”
The cool breeze brushed past Squig’s whiskers. (This shouldn’t be possible. This shouldn’t be, my dreams aren’t this gentle, they aren’t they aren’t they aren't they aren't they…)
“I don’t know what to believe in. Your reality or my own. Because… My reality keeps hurting people. It makes more sense but… No one else believes me. And.. And that keeps getting people hurt. But if I give in and believe in everyone else’s reality, I give into these DAMN delusions, and it will be JUST like before! And I have hurt WAY more people when not in the right state of mine,” The world tilted on its axis before her.
“Both of these options are so, SO dangerous to believe in!” Squig’s eye swirled with her mind, “There is no right solution. It all leads down the same path, doesn’t it?? Someone’s gonna get hurt because of whatever I believe in, fact OR fiction! I can’t… I don’t know how to protect people when every path that lies before me leads to harm! I’ve spent so much of my life FORCING myself to believe that I knew what’s real, but what IS? If this is a VR game, then why does it feel so real? If it’s a dream, then why am I not suffering more? If it’s reality… If it’s reality, then… Why… Why are you comforting me? For killing your guys’ partner? The same partner that hates me? I’m not… I’m not the one who should be in your arms! The only logical place you should be putting your hands is around my neck!!!”
Squig nearly screamed that final line. Her voice, more hoarse than before, returned, “Someone’s going to die this dream. I…. I feel it. If… If it’s not Kalei that’s dead when they wake up, it’s going to be someone else. That’s everything my gut is telling me, this is FAR too wholesome of a dream! Maybe… What if that fight Xivvy’s in goes wrong? She’s likely gonna fight a mortal, she’s a fucking GOD! It’s going to go wrong, isn’t it? Isn’t it??? 64% chance of complete decimation! That’s what Daize said, right? That’s WELL over fifty percent! Oh god… That’s what’s gonna happen, right? Someone’s going to die, someone’s going to….”
Her breathing quickened again, mind spiraling, her panicked ramblings continuing under her breath.
Oh dear. Squig was spiraling. Not good not good not good.
“Squig? Squig. Squig, breathe.” Fia firmly put her hands on Squig’s shoulders. “Just focus on me right now. Don’t think about the what-ifs, they’ll just make things worse.” She has spent so much time pondering what-ifs herself that she didn’t get anything done. It’s a feeling she knows all too well.
“Squig. This is a dream. A very vivid dream, granted. Nobody is going to die outside of this dream, and even if they die here, they’ll respawn unless they wake up. And they will wake up, Squig, because what happens in dreams don’t carry over into reality, remember? That’s how dreams work.” Fia herself took a deep breath. “We’re not gonna kill you just because you accidentally killed Kalei, Squig. That wouldn’t be right.” ‘And because the thought of killing makes me feel sick, even in a dream,’ Fia added in her head.
“I don’t know why I’m not more upset that you killed Kalei. I guess it’s because I already know they’ll respawn. I mean, I already saw it happen once before, so I know it’ll happen again. And that XIV fight? It’s not going to kill whoever she’s fighting either. Because it’s just a dream, Squig. Sure, it hurts now, but it doesn’t affect real life. Don’t let what’s happening here affect your reality outside of this dream, okay?” Fia patted Squig on the shoulder gently. She hoped her words could bring some reassurance, but she wasn’t sure.
“I hope that you know we aren't mad over a Minecraft kill, Squig.” Kat gritted out, struggling to keep pretending that didn't bother her just a bit.
“....” There was nothing more she could say or do.
“It isn’t,” Squig whimpers, “I… I know it’s not just a Minecraft kill. Even if it they… Even if they survived, I said so many - so SO many awful things about their delusions! The stuff about all those - those hyperrealistic torture scenes and, and - “
(Another image, clear as day, struck itself through Squig’s skull like a gunshot wound. It was herself a teen, barely old enough to be called that (Thirteen? Fourteen?) arguing with her mother. It was there in the kitchen of a shitty apartment, bought last minute in the bad side of a town she didn’t know the name of. This was the thirtieth time within the child’s lifespan this had happened, again and again, it all blurred; the housings, the towns, even the reasons they moved in the first place. In this memory the child screamed, BEGGED… The boxes of their few belongings had only barely been unpacked. The present day Squig didn’t know exactly what she said in the past, but she knew what it was about. There were no hidden cameras. There were no microphones or recording equipment. No secret devices made to shoot pain into her mother’s skull at odd hours of the evening; no… Not odd hours, SPECIFIC ones. Ones with meanings, but her mother wouldn’t tell her the meanings because her mother knew her daughter was in cahoots with the people stalking them! Because her mother only kept her around because she loved her even if she betrayed her, that’s the exact thing she said over and over, even if the little girl knew she had never betrayed the only family she had left. Her mother, in the memory, had tired eyes, so SO damn tired. Of the pain. Of RUNNING. Of thinking that her beloved baby was a part of this grandiose conspiracy… The tired eyed woman got up from the folding chair in the barely furnished kitchen. She opened a box on the studio apartment’s floor. She took out the gun. Said that same thing Squig would always remember, about how if the government finally takes us… No. The word she used was WHEN. When the government takes us. Take the gun. Aim for your forehead. And…)
The cat was catatonic, lost in a flashback once more. She wriggled her fingers, felt the fur between her toe beans, just barely dragging herself out of the hallucination once more. Words poured out of her mouth like a river rapid,
“It is NOT just a death in a video game! I KNOW it’s more than that, ESPECIALLY if Kalei is like me in feeling pain that isn’t there, pain from the mind; imagination, memories, hallucinations, I KNOW THEY FELT THAT!!! The spike in their chest! They HAD to have felt that!!!”
“...” What could Fia say? What could she possibly say to make Squig understand that it was, in fact, just death in a video game? Fia pursed her lips and unconsciously held onto Squig’s shoulders a little tighter.
“I… I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say for you, Squig. I know they felt it, but they probably won’t remember this when they wake up. They have… worse things to face, in any case.” Fia looked down, unable to look Squig in the eye anymore. It was getting harder to pretend she’s fine, that Squig’s delusions weren’t bothering her. The guilt from her desperate lie from earlier was still lodged in her stomach.
“I don’t think Kalei’s like you, in any case, at least with the pain part. Not that we’ve seen. They’re… a different case, let’s just say.” she sighed, unable to reveal more. Maybe she’s already said too much. It’s not like Squig can just apologize, either. From what it sounds like, she went too far again. Kalei probably was emotionally wounded right now. Maybe they should go back and check on them. The cave can wait, it’s not going anywhere. But they can’t leave Squig alone right now, not when she’s not stable.
“Look, do you like… want to check on Kalei or something? See with your own eyes that they’re alright?” Fia tentatively suggested. “It… might make you feel better.”
“Yeah! That might be a good idea… Um. If we can find them.” Kat scrambled off of Squig, standing up tall and acting like she knew what she was doing. (She did not. They were both grasping on straws to try and convince someone too far gone.)
…There was one more thing Kat had to do.
“Hey, by the way, Squig? I really am sorry for… The wings. I didn't want them to scare you like that- I wasn't thinking. I probably said it before, but… I just thought I'd apologize since it feels necessary.”
(Would they even be there to be checked on…?)
She brushed the thought aside. (No… No time to get distracted. I… I need to figure this out. But staying here won’t help in the slightest.)
“Yes.. That… Looking for Kalei might help. I couldn’t find them near the mine, where they reset their respawn. And… Last I checked, their, uh…. Body. Was still down in the cave.” Squig adjusted her glasses, “The corpse mod only keeps bodies so long as they’re holding an item. So… Either Kalei didn’t get their stuff back, or… Or they…” (They didn’t… Leave it on purpose..? Take their valuables, leave their trash and then dip? No. That’s… They wouldn’t keep the body there. They don’t work like he did, mentally, I mean. Stupid, stupid, Shelley…)
“Either we wait by their corpse until they come back or… Or, uh… We go back to your base. Even then…” Squig trailed off. (I don’t want to do this.. I don’t want to have them stare me in the eye after the shit I pulled. But also…) She looked back at her right claw, “No. I need to.” (As punishment) (As atonement) (As proof) (As as as as……)
“I just need to,” Squig declared, “Just to know they really did respawn. That’s all. I don’t even need to see them for long. Just… Just long enough to know.”
(Oh. They reset their respawn by the cave? Corpse mod? What? Ok, whatever. It’s fine.) Fia let go of Squig’s shoulders and sighed, pulling her sleeves further down her arms.
“Alright. Then uh, let’s go I guess?” Fia shrugged. “I was looking for a cave actually. Been meaning to do some more mining. So um… yeah. Let’s check our base first. This way.” Fia waved, and started walking in the direction of their base.
“It’s kind of far though, so… it might take a while. Sorry.”
There was an awkward silence where Kat was going to bring up the fact she could easily fly them there.
(…She couldn’t look at her wings.) The guilt hung nearly as heavy as the wings did. It hurt to think about.
“...” Say something, Kat. Say what you want to.
“.....” But she couldn’t.
There was silence. Then a sigh.
“Just let Kat fly you there,” Squig commented, “I really don’t need to come with, I just need to know if Kalei is okay.”
Her tone was neither in her usual cheery awkwardness nor her panicked spiral of self-loathing and anxiety. Instead, she was a hollow body in the form of a bloodied classic internet icon. A shell.
The shell spoke,
“I’ll stay here, you two go check on Kalei, then… Come back and tell me they’re okay. I’ll stay here.” (You can let go of me now. You can go. Go comfort them, not me. I don’t deserve such kindness. I don’t need to be comforted. I don’t even WANT it! The victim should be comforted, not the perpetrator! You should AGREE with Kalei, HATE ME like Kalei does! I don’t DESERVE SO MUCH KINDNESS!!!)
Fia paused in walking, looking back at Squig, then at Kat. She was hesitant to leave Squig alone right now, especially when she still doesn’t seem completely stable. But… well, it would probably be faster than walking all the way there.
“Uh… you sure?” Fia double checked with Squig anyways, hesitant. “Well… alright then. But uh, I don’t know if Kat can carry me? I mean, I guess I’m pretty light…” Fia shrugged. “Promise you won’t go anywhere or hurt yourself while we’re checking up on Kalei, Squig?” She’s not leaving until she gets a definite answer, that much was clear.
Kat sighed, cracking her knuckles and deglamoring her wings. They felt heavy. Like guilt…
Heavy, weighing guilt that bloomed from her shoulder-blades and broke through skin.
“...” She needed to hear that promise, too. From Squig.
Squig thought for a moment. Just a few seconds longer than normal to reply to such a simple request.
“I promise I won’t hurt myself. And… I promise I won’t leave you two.”
(These aren’t lies either way. If this is a dream… I’ll be in their kitchen, on that hard tile floor I exiled myself to no matter what happens.)
Squig bit the side of her tongue. Not hard, just enough to feel the texture of her sharpened kitty teeth.
(Either way… My safety shouldn't matter to them if this isn’t real. My well being shouldn’t matter to them if this isn’t real. If this is a dream, then I shouldn’t matter to them within it. At least not in comparison to their actual partner. They should be comforting THEM not me. I can’t see a logical reason for why these two are helping me…) Squig’s eyes, nearly out of tears, started to water once more. (I consider them friends. I truly believe they are in my heart, but… I feel similarly towards Kalei. And I KNOW Kalei will never see me the same. Because that makes SENSE. People don’t befriend the people who SHOT THEM the moment they meet in reality. And… And people don’t befriend the people who shoot their partners. All three of these people are truly worthy of my admiration, but… Why must some of them act so… Unrealistically..? Fuck… Maybe this still is an ARG…)
“...Alright then. We’ll be back soon.” Fia nodded at Kat, walking over to her.
“I’ve uh, never really flown before… how um, how does this work?” she asked, hesitant and confused. The only time she’s ever “flown” before was back there, when they tried to test if she could levitate. (She couldn’t. But being in that air chamber was the closest thing to feeling free back then. It was the first time she realized what being weightless felt like, and made her realize how freedom must taste.)
“Well…” Kat gently picked up Fia with relative ease. “The next part’s easy, just hold on tight. Uh, Think you can do that?” …It was more notice than she gave Kalei, considering she just picked them up and started swinging around like a lunatic.
The girl got her wings readied, locked and loaded for flight. Kat would be careful, “I promise”, she said she'd be careful.
… Nobody else is dying.
Squig stood there in silence as she watched the duo take flight.
(Someone’s going to die today. I just know it.)
Squig’s eyes are out of tears, even if one of them is still throbbing with pain due to the cut. She avoids the urge to rub it, (the claws will cut whatever they touch, won’t they?) and proceeds to open her inventory. She pulls out a book, a letter. This one labeled to Fia and Kat.
(I didn’t get why she told me not to read this one. Or why she said I shouldn’t give it to directly. Or… Or even why she gave it to me in Minecraft instead of in the waking world when I am literally staying at their apartment. But…)
She places a crafting table, fills eight slots with wooden planks and makes a chest. Then, she places it down where she was told to wait. She produces the letter from her off-hand and stares at its cover.
(I get it now. Stupid letter writer lady…. You knew this was gonna happen, huh? You couldn’t have warned Kalei instead? Or - or told someone else more worthy of those two’s presence to be comforted by them? Why the fuck do I trust you so damn much..?)
She lowered the book in her hand.
(Because you saved the kid. Because you gave me hope. Goddammit… You better know what you’re doing, you… You magical bullshit woman.)
The bloodied gray feline placed the book in the chest. She then proceeded to craft then place some signs.
Im still in the apartment y'all share. Im sorry
I need 2 go and save whoever is fighting XIV. I
didn't wanna go break the this promise but... I
didn't want to have another per son die because
of me. Read wat the letter lady wrote in here.
Trust her. Not me. Bye friends - Squig
And with that, Squig exited the scene and ran back to her base, already hatching up a plan on how to nerf the demigod.
[End of Dream Log]