#sstask:002

[caspartho-blog]

hey mom, hey dad,

      I guess the first thing I should say is thank you. I can’t find another way to say this, but I mean that. I can’t really think of a time where the two of you weren’t there for me, whether I wanted you to be or not. You just were. I never really had to ask, or I never had to tell you when something was wrong. You just knew. You noticed when things would get bad and even if you couldn’t actually help, you both were still there. It’s always been like that.

     I never want it to seem like I take either of you for granted. I know I’m extremely lucky, though. Not all of my friends have good relationships with their parents. Most of them don’t, actually. I’ve noticed that, and I wish I could change it. If I could give them parents like you, I would. Maybe you guys should come meet them all, sometime. Mom, I know you were worried about me being off by myself, and trust me, so was I. But these people are like a second family, you know? Sure, they might be a little wild sometimes, maybe they do or say things I don’t exactly understand, but that’s okay. They’re all really good people, I can promise you that.

   On the flip side, a part of me feels like I shouldn’t be here sometimes, that I should be back home helping with everything. Helping with the bills, taking dad to his doctors appointments-- speaking of, I hope everything is going alright. I know I get updates all the time, but it’s still weird not being around in case things get bad. But it’s fine, I guess I need to stop worrying. I’m going to try to stop worrying. Because I’m happy here, I really am. I really hope you guys are happy, too.  

   I guess I’ll stop this now. I’m not really sure what I’m saying, I’ve never been good at this whole writing thing.. but I mean every word. 

                                                                                                                    Love, Caspar.

[tinycameron-blog]

dear aiden ;; self para

TO: Aiden West FROM: Cameron O’Malley WRITTEN: February 3rd, 2013 STATUS: Unsent

     I get it. I understand why you wanted to leave like you threatened so many times. I understand why I wasn’t good enough for you. We both know that I was never good enough to begin with, that you were only doing me a favor by being into me from the very start. I get it. But I don’t get why we couldn’t keep on pretending? Nothing really changed -- things could still be good. Why did you have to leave me alone with him? At least with you by my side, everything hurt a little less. I didn’t have to worry about needing to go home right after school. With you around, I had someone to tell me all the things I was doing wrong, to help me be a better boyfriend, a better Cameron. Now that you’re gone I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared.

     You were right. No one will love me after you. How could they when I don’t even know what clothes are too tight? Too loose? I can’t even get dressed without you -- how sad is that? I’m every bit as helpless as you said but I need you. You made it all make sense. I need you, Aiden. Please come back. Please come back to me. Please please please please. I still love you. Whatever I did wrong in those final moments, when you looked me in the eyes and said you didn’t want me anymore... help me to fix it. If not for you, help me fix it for someone else. I don’t want to be broken anymore. I want someone to look at me the way you did but I need you to help get me there. I can’t do it on my own. I can’t do anything on my own.

    He told me I can’t stay here after high school is over. Isn’t that something? I can’t stay in my own home, Aiden. I suppose if I’m as disgusting as he says, I deserve that too. I already lost you, what’s one more thing? Without you, where will I go? I always thought that things between you and I would stay okay. You would come to love me as much as I loved you. We would move out together -- we would have a place of our own, maybe get a cat. You were helping me to become a good person and I was really getting there. Everything I changed about myself for you but now you’re gone. You don’t want me anymore but I’m still here wanting you. Why wasn’t it enough?

   You don’t have to come back for me. I wouldn’t come back for me either. I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t what you wanted. I’m sorry you were latched with this relationship for so long and I’m sorry I cried when you wanted out of it. I’ll work on myself here without you, okay? I’ll make myself even better. You’ll come back to me if I make myself perfect, right? Perfect. You always wanted me to be perfect so that’s what I’m going to be. Perfect perfect perfect. I love you, Aiden West. I’ll do anything for you, always. You were my first love, my first time, my first boyfriend and you’ll always be those things to me. I’ll earn you back. Just say the word, Aiden. Please say you want me again. Please.

Cameron

[shutupcam-blog]

Dear Steven,

It’s been two years, two months, and forty-four days since you died. I know what you’re thinking: “Campbell, when the fuck did you get so good at math?” Well, if we’re being honest here, I looked it up. But sometimes, on random days when the record store is quiet, I’ll look up to the clock and wonder how many hours or minutes or seconds it's been since you took your last breath. Pretty deep, right? You made me a fucking mush.

I don’t know if you’re looking down on me, like some guardian angel type shit; but if you are, I know you aren’t too happy about my choices. I left my mom, my dad, even Stella behind after what happened, and I know that isn’t fair; I know it isn’t right to blame them for a mistake that was literally just a huge mistake. I know you aren’t happy that I’m blaming myself, but the truth is, I do. I could’ve stopped you, I could’ve looked out for you like you did for me. I was just so wound up in my own world that I didn’t even look beside me to see how you were doing, and I’m sorry.

I know you wouldn’t accept it, but you can’t really tell me what to do anymore, since you’re dead and all. You kicked the bucket, you’re in an eternal sleep, you’re “with God now” (how great is that last one?! I know you’d like it if you were here), and I miss you every fucking day.

And I’m serious, man. I know you’d laugh at the lovey type shit but I do. When anything happens-- I mean anything-- I just want to call you up and tell you. Like how I met this girl, and she’s beautiful and funny and so weird but like, in the best way possible. You’d really like her, Steve-- I mean, she’s a fucking tight-rope walker. How sick is that?

But after you, and leaving Stella, I just don’t think I can be that guy anymore-- y’know, the guy that’s actually a good person. I’m just fucking scared, and I know you’d call me a pussy but I’m serious, man. What happens if I’m with her and she like, dies or something? What if I’m just bad luck and kill people by being around them? Or what if she realizes she can do a hell of a lot better than me-- because she totally fucking can.

OK, this isn’t why I wanted to write to you. Actually, I’m not even sure why I wanted to write to you.

I hope you’re doing well wherever you are. I hope you’re getting, like, all the hot dead girls or some shit. I hope they fuck well-- wait, that’s a little too crude, isn’t it? Whatever.

Maybe I’ll see you soon, but honestly bro, I hope I don’t. 

Take care, Steven.

-Cam