#starbolins

[sadafs]

things i’ve been experimenting with lately

wavy hair products

bdsm

recreational drags

techno

rock climbing

karaoke

polyamory

different glasses and metals

Big Boobs

[sadafs]

ok im off my hormonal birth control which has put me back on my narcissistic and tumblrina ways. guess whos back and hotter than ever

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i haven’t posted selfies in a year on tumblr. well here! for you, some color coordination!

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im on twitter pretty much full time now but it sucks because so few people know shit there. everyones beautiful but those of them who are smart or funny dont have the space to adequately do so... then i wander back on tumblr and also see that unlimited post length makes for stupid irritating discourse here too.... but at least my dash is interesting and varied otherwise -______- 

[sadafs]

im at a financial and emotional crossroads with respect to graduation. when i compare my living situation at home- specifically familial relations- to others, its pretty bad, and most of the people who have experienced what i am experiencing currently to similar extents have literally run away from home, financially emancipated themselves, estranged their parents, whatever. and i think this would be overall better for my mental health in terms of moving myself out of abuses way

i went to college on the other side of the country from my parents (who are on the east coast) for a very specific reason, and it helped in the interim in terms of keeping distance; right now i have an internship at harvard such that theyre five hours away from me, and every weekend they’ve insisted on me coming down or them surprise-visiting (against my wishes). i feel bad because 10 hours is a lot to drive in one weekend to see me, but once im around them theyre just constantly fighting with me, telling me im some sort of failure, so on; and ive tried going to therapy with them, without them, and nothing i do changes their behavior with me being fundamentally antagonistic 

i have three basic issues: one, i cant afford to live alone, and the career path im trying to set up requires financial backing for the next 3 years at least, beyond whatever i make from my own jobs, including healthcare. two, i don’t want to lose connection with my brother. three, i want to maintain contact with my extended family, and most hopefully basic positive contact with my parents-- but i know every time i give them a little after a long period of ignoring them, they run with it and immediately cross all my boundaries, try to isolate me, try to convince me my friends arent my real friends.. like, the works. so i dont know how to do that

i feel like my life is still way more in their control than other people in my age range, but whenever i try to explain this to MY parents they write it off as a cultural deficiency in the american tradition. “oh other parents are happy for their children to be stupid humanities majors (or god forbid, people in the arts, who my dad *legitimately, not figuratively* believes should be euthanized) who will die poor but we care about you so we will always yell at you for not overloading yourself.” 

im deeply worried about my mental health for after graduation primarily because of my parents but also im poor as are said parents, but they use money as a way to control me and force me to interact with them even when im trying to ignore them. we are literally currently fighting over whether theyre willing to pay the $500 i had to drop on a burn center appointment due to a medical emergency a few weeks back.. i only have money from student wages over the last few years and spent quite a bit on study abroad, and they have two fulltime workers incomes between them, but its still this longdrawn debate over whether i deserve it, which was a huge part of why i didnt go to the emergency room the night of the accident; i was scared i couldnt afford it, or that my parents would hold it over my head and use it as another tool to cajole me into interacting with them, as they are right now :p 

im wondering if anyone else whos financially emancipated themselves or had to estrange and cut off their parents has advice about this

[sadafs]

jorj dont read this cos this is my business ANYWAY im so happy i have a love... its such a particularly matched pair where im constantly marveling at how our shared experiences and the differences within them. litcherally we heard of each other through a mutual friend who described the other as “oh thats the OTHER nonbinary muslim on campus, have you met them” and then to find our we’re both south asian and not only that but both pathan/pashtun? WHACK. and we’re both funny and smart and uhhhhhhh in love. thats my poast. i love this binch!!!! im so grateful.. im so lucky!! ooo!!

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the fact that im now hot-passing should be as atrocious to you as it is to me also i declared my major (cognitive science, double majoring in ling as soon as i finish my GE reqs)

[sadafs]

honestly though i was having a convo with a friend about how if you were an “ugly child” growing up ie specifically hounded or made to pay attention to how you werent fitting within whatever beauty standards- your esteem is so fucked up and fundamentally shaped by that 

im going out on a limb now to even say i fit better into some conventional standards now (due to puberty changing my face, but also picking up indoctrinated beauty practices if only to stave off garnering negative attention) and i can look “attractive” but it seems like this huge joke, like oh im just good at faking looking good, when really inside im just “ugly” (all of these terms of course being empty)

and i always take compliments to my appearance as either just courteous and obliged, or equivalently fake- like, me, really? are you really so stupid that you think im attractive? when you havent seen all images of me like ive seen, you feel like you can make this judgement? its so fucked as a thought process