Some of you may be wondering "hey, where's that sequel you promised us of 'this kind of ruin'?" Or indeed, any fic at all this year.
Well, the thing is, that sequel (currently very tentatively titled 'these temple bones') is actually complete. It's pretty much done, barring edits and some cleanup. The reason I haven't posted it, or had much energy to write at all, or do anything besides mindless doomscrolling, is because my husband got sick some time earlier this year. Like, really sick. Between the stress of that and worrying about bills, my work being crazy draining, my sister going through a crisis and the heartache of having to yet again cancel my already-belated-due-to-covid honeymoon, I was hanging on by a thread of sanity. Frankly, I don't have enough spoons at the moment to manage posting a new story.
Writing is still my haven and my refuge, I have been chipping away here and there on all sorts (including a bkdk Soul Eater AU and a bkdk Hunger Games AU) where the mood takes me, but these days it's been hard to get time to myself. I thought I'd give an update, because I kept convincing myself I'll do it soon, I'll do it next week, but it's not quite manifesting. Don't worry, as I said 'these temple bones' is fully complete and it WILL be posted eventually (who knows, maybe this post will actually kick my ass into gear) but if it doesn't, you'll know why.
Stay safe out there folks, and tell the people you love that you love them.
So I've played around with this idea in my fics before, but I wanna talk about Izuku's unreasonable expectations of Katsuki - that is, Katsuki being the embodiment of victory. Can you imagine the sort of weight that carries, when you look behind the gilded, rose-tinted admiration? When it's not so much a vote of confidence but rather a millstone around Katsuki's neck?
That's not to say Katsuki isn't very good at winning, even when they were little and he was beating up the older kids. Katsuki himself also holds the belief that Heroes=Winning and has staked almost his entire being on it. And Izuku grew up watching Katsuki excel at everything he's ever tried his hand at, so it's expected that he would have an idealised, lionized version of him in his head, one who fulfils that 'winning' notion. But when does it become... too much?
Spoilers for Chap 362 behind cut.
Because Izuku has put Katsuki on a pedestal he cannot step down from, one he has refused to let Katsuki step down from. Izuku is so bound up in his belief that Kacchan=Victory that he literally resorts to violence to protect this idea, against the very person who is his 'Victory'.
Izuku punching Katsuki and saying "You'd rather lose? That doesn't sound like you!" I couldn't help but think "But what gives you the right to say that?" I mean I love Izuku, and obviously Katsuki needed the wake-up call to stop being a selfish jerk and work with him, but it still made me weirdly uncomfortable about it. It's weirdly possessive in a way I can't put my finger on.
Kacchan has to win.
This is what Izuku is telling Katsuki here, both a plea and a threat all at once: you have to win because you're not you otherwise. And Katsuki has carried the weight of those expectations for the entirety of this manga, maybe even his whole life. Even when he's wanted to he's not allowed to lose, because Izuku won't let him.
And yet defeat came for him anyway. When he got captured and the result was that All Might lost the last of One for All, it was a loss that Katsuki blamed himself for and saw as him letting down his greatest hero.
This, right here. Katsuki admitting his weakness? Katsuki voicing his inner demons and his self-doubt and recriminations against himself? What Katsuki learnt here was I fuck things up by being weak, by losing. Almost 'proving' Izuku right in the cruellest of ways.
Katsuki is shaped by this loss, and while it helped his character grow, it also twisted it into something incredibly heartbreaking, because his self-worth is still dependent on his performance. And to add to this already crippling belief, Izuku wasn't as strong as he'd hoped he'd be. That's right. Katsuki wanted Izuku to win Deku vs Kacchan 2. He was practically desperate for him to win it, because then he could feel like All Might's choice was justified. If Izuku won, then it would validate Katsuki's complicated feelings about Izuku's growth.
Katsuki's conclusion at the end of Deku vs Kacchan 2 was 'so… nothing's really changed about what I've gotta do'. Why? What would have needed to happen to change what he has to do? Was he looking for some absolution of his responsibility to win? If Izuku won and took that mantle of being the most powerful, could Katsuki have been the one free to make mistakes? To have a kind of safety net for not being the strongest?
But Izuku didn't win. So then, what is Katsuki left with?
Victory.
He is the one who has to shoulder victory, and while he's grown out of wanting to win by himself, it doesn't alleviate the burden on him to win. Because he's not Bakugou Katsuki if he doesn't win. Even All Might himself pointed out this unfair expectation, how he overlooked Katsuki's fragility because of his strength. But even after this watershed moment I don't think Izuku really understood this, I don't think he ever saw his admiration as shackles around Katsuki's heart.
Katsuki still wants to win, don't get me wrong. He wants absolute victory, no casualties, because that's what drives him as a hero. But there is a difference between wanting to win out of heroism, and wanting to win because there is no other choice. Because what are we left with, when a boy who is expected to win by the person closest to him, who wants him to not be weak, to not surrender, to fight, gets thrown into a no-win scenario?
This panel completely broke my heart because it's just the culmination, the proof of every uneasy feeling I've had about Izuku's admiration of Katsuki. Katsuki has just had the absolute shit beaten out of him, his most powerful move turned out to be useless, he's half-blind and in so much agony he can barely move and still. Still. He thinks of Izuku, and believes he needs to win. I didn't read this as "We need to win, right Izuku?" but rather "I need to win, right Izuku?" as if calling out to him, confirming Izuku's faith in him.
So he gave it his one last shot while imitating the one person who has surpassed him, the one Katsuki wants to reach out to. He has finally acknowledged Izuku as being stronger, as the one who will ultimately win this fight.
But he died for the symbol of victory he represents to Izuku anyway.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Art by @NushiChin, commissioned by me
依依不捨; more than you want it
“Long time no see, shizun.” Luo Binghe’s voice is ice cold for all its softness, and Shen Qingqiu shudders. He turns back to him, clutching at the strap of his bag like the last lifeline as the Titanic sank.
“Hello Binghe,” he says softly, and Luo Binghe’s eyes darken. “It has been a long time.”
“Five years, three months, twenty-two days.” Luo Binghe smiles. “But who’s counting?”
Or:
Desperate for a job, Shen Qingqiu returns to the city he left in disgrace to work at Luo Publishing, part of the Luo Enterprises conglomerate and owned by Luo Binghe, a man he has far too much history with - as xuedi, student, lover, and someone he betrayed in the worst way possible. But when they meet again, Shen Qingqiu has to confront the past he left behind and everything Luo Binghe still means to him. And more importantly, everything he still means to Luo Binghe.
This is to answer an anon question about my post "The Weight of Victory" which I've omitted by request (hope this is okay!).
SPOILERS FOR CHAP 362!!!!!
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So - yes, ABSOLUTELY therein lies the tragedy of Katsuki's almost-toxic relationship with "Victory." That there is an awful irony to his revival because he wants no casualties, yet someone died for his sake.
Everyone on that battlefield thinks Katsuki should win, and somehow they all think Edgeshot's life is worth the trade? Because I found it incredibly interesting that we specifically see Monoma's reaction to Katsuki's death - it's supposed to hammer in the fact that even his most ardent and mouthy detractor is shocked by Katsuki's loss (or at least, he didn't expect him to die).
But flip that around, and you have yet another convert to the "Katsuki wins" dogma, even though Monoma believed he brought down All Might and isn't worthy to be a hero.
The way Katsuki inspires the drive to win in his teammates and detractors is a double-edged sword: We need you to win vs We need you to win. There are no less than 5 others on the battlefield (and many more on the sidelines) and NONE of them protested Edgeshot giving up his life to revive Katsuki (granted, I don't expect a round table conference to discuss it in the middle of a war, but still). Even Best Jeanist merely cautioned Edgeshot that he "couldn’t return from this" instead of being "holy shit that's cray cray don't do it."
And why is that? Why do they believe Katsuki is absolutely necessary for this war? Beyond the whole "elders must support and look after the younger" is it their belief Katsuki holds the key to winning? Is their grand plan dependent on Katsuki's involvement (if it was, I don't think he would have been as reckless as to fight ShigAFO in close quarters - which ShigAFO himself commented on)? Do they think Deku "needs" his Symbol of Victory to hold it together enough to defeat ShigAFO?
Why must Katsuki bear the weight of these expectations, the heart-clenching grief of this sacrifice? His entire ethos as a hero - "no casualties, perfect victory" is completely invalidated by this death (and I know we're still assuming this is death for Edgeshot, but The Surgery seems almost complete). Sure we can argue that after this sacrifice Katsuki can still go on and inspire the next gen of heroes with a greater significance to his ethos, borne out of solemn experience and not arrogant naiveté, but it's still kind of heartbreaking.
I once wrote in a fic "Katsuki wants to drag Deku close and force him to confront the cost of his dreams, the price that everyone who loves him has to pay." And it's so so painful that the same thing is happening to Katsuki when there is a very complicated argument for whether winning is solely something he wants from himself, or what Deku (and everyone else) wants from him.
Katsuki did not ask nor expect to be resurrected, because his life was his own to sacrifice and in some ways it should have been respected (EVEN THOUGH I AM VERY VERY VERY GLAD HE'S COMING BACK I'M JUST SAYING THERE IS AN ARGUMENT FOR CONSENT AND ETHICS HERE but if their grand plan does need him I will accept this sacrifice as necessary). Horikoshi's own words "Saving (and destroying) are both born out of ego" is VERY APT here.
When Katsuki wakes up he will have to confront the grim consequences of his "weakness" YET AGAIN and also the HEAVIER weight of expectations that's been thrust upon him. Anon I am afraid too 😭😭😭
I just reread a few of ur fics - the first part of rust and splendor and the bittersweet between my teeth. I love ur fics!!! They're so good! I read them a few years ago and it was so nice to come back to them with fresh eyes.
Aw thank you that is so sweet! Sorry I was a little MIA, didn't get the notification for this message! This really made me smile and I appreciate you very much, a reread is the highest honour 🥰🥰🥰 hope you have a wonderful day.
(sorry) when you get this, you have to answer with 5 things u like about yourself, publicly. then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) ♡
Oh I like these! I like my sense of humour, my winged eyeliner always on point, my patience, my writing, my cooking skills 💪
Title: It Goes Without Saying (Sherlock)
By: aestheticmuse (tumblr: stardust-rust)
Characters/Pairings: Sherlock/John
Rating: G
Warnings: None. Except for maybe one self-proclaimed sociopath's rather cynical views on the verbal expression of love.
Summary: For the August/September Johnlockchallenges on tumblr, this is for hatters-art, who requested: "Sherlock states on a case that he thinks it’s stupid to say ‘I love you’, people should be able to see if someone loves them and to respond accordingly, John hears. And obviously John and Sherlock end up being in love for a very long time before either one realises (both think the other isn’t in love etc.) and maybe Sherlock having to admit that yes, saying I love you is a good thing. Any rating."
(Sherlock doesn't even believe in saying "Good Morning")
Sometimes when you are content
ask me what it is
that moves me to want to hold you so,
so often, and I laugh when I tell
you the same old
indestructible thing.
One day when you are
where you feel no invitation to be
I will tell you
how you flower
like lamplight in me.
Like Lamplight - Brian Turner
