heavy footsteps thudded into the house, a slightly heavier door followed the steps just as soon as they reached your ears. you were startled awake, though you weren't exactly sleeping before hand. you knew they belonged to your husband. even worse, the weighted shuffling must mean he was beyond plastered.
you groggily looked at your bedside table, your cheap alarm clock reading '3:21 AM', it's florescent red light illuminating your room. it was late, and although shane had a bad habit of staying out well into the night, this was too much even for him.
you threw you comforter off your body and stood up, goosebumps spreading across your skin as you began heading to your living room. you weren't surprised to see shane's body sprawled on your couch, and as you stepped closer you could smell the familiar bitter musk of alcohol.
it was at times like these you couldn't help but reflect on the way things were in the beginning of your marriage, and your friendship even before then. so much progress has been made by not only you, but harvey and marnie too. you thought you had unwired so much of shane's depression and anxiety, and it hurt to see him return to his old habits. it felt almost impossible to bring up with him. the few times you had expressed concern, it ended with him accusing you of never caring and either spending the night at marnie's, or spending many hours nursing drinks at gus'.
although shane always made a point to apologize a day or two after you fought, his words ate at your conscious constantly. he would often go on drunk rants about how "you just don't understand, and you never will" or "yoba, i drink because there is nothing good in this life". no matter how much time passed, you couldn't help but feel like a burden. no matter the countless times you were there for him, or how many nights you tolerated his harsh words, it would never be enough.
"shane?" you spoke, resulting in a low grunt from him. "shane, do you have any idea what time it is?" that caused him to lower his head from the back cushion, meeting your gaze. "what? are y'judging me? yeah, m'just a drunk right?" he scoffed, resting his head again. any semblance of concern was replaced with an entrenched sadness, tears already welling and threatening to spill.
"i didn't say that. get up, let's get you to bed." you stepped even closer, now directly in front of him, and reached for his arm to pull him up. he responded with a harsh swat, taking you aback. there was a lingering sting, although it didn't last very long. he didn't care to apologize, or even look up at you. he just grunted without saying anything. you were struggling to place you emotions. were you sad? concerned? or were you angry? it was all too overwhelming, and your tears finally fell, warming your cheeks as they ran down.
you released the loose grip you had on shane's sweater, unsure of what to say. without thinking, a soft "get out" escaped your lips. you took a step back, quickly wiping your tears. shane raised his head lazily, not sure if he heard you right, or even believed you. "what?"
"you heard me. i said get out, i can't do this anymore." you turned around, heading to your shared bedroom. just as you reached for the door knob behind you, shane grabbed your hand, preventing you from closing it. he stared at you, his face a mix of confusion, hurt, and anger. "you can't tell me to get out, i live here." he dropped your hand, running his hand through his hair. "i can't believe you would do this to me" he smiled in disbelief. hearing him say that made the anger in your body override whatever else you were feeling. "YOU can't believe that I would do this? are you serious right now?" you couldn't help but raise your voice.
"do you know how many times your drunk ass has stumbled into the house late at night? do you know how many times i cleaned you up, and made sure you drank water? all while hearing you say shit like that!" you began pacing around your shared room, not sure what to do with yourself or your body. "shane, i love you, but i can't do this any more. i know life fucking sucks, but it's not just hard for you. i have tried to be there for you, and this is how you treat me." by now, your tears were spilling faster than you could wipe them away, and shane noticed. you anger was new, and hearing the tone of your voice, and what was at stake for him sobered him up a little bit, though it didn't dissolve any of his anger. "you're right, life does fucking suck. sometimes i need to get away, okay! every now and then i need a drink or two to just- escape from life!"
"it's not every now and then, shane!" you interfered, "it is every fucking night! you should have thought about that before you asked me to marry you! you can't expect me to not get worried when you come home at three in the fucking morning!" your voice was filled with instability and cracks, wavering as you continued to sob.
"maybe i shouldn't have married you then." you froze when you heard those words leave your husband's lips, not sure what to say. you looked up at him with clouded vision. you let out a weak "what..?" before looking up at him. you weren't sure what to expect; maybe immediate regret, or sadness even. he looked just as he did the first day you met him: angry, uninvolved, and annoyed. he looked at you like you were a stranger, and that broke you.
"fuck you." you said, you eyes now glued to the floor, unable to meet his harsh gaze.
he said no more. you heard his familiar heavy footprints slowly walk away, again followed by your heavy door shutting behind. your emotions got the best of you and you couldn't stop your tears from pouring. words could not explain the deep hurt you felt in your heart.
your body felt heavy as you dragged yourself back to bed, letting your tears soak into your pillow until you eventually soothed yourself to sleep.
