This isn’t even the first chapter of this journey. Or is it? It doesn’t feel like it, to be honest. I genuinely have zero idea of what I’m doing.
Let me explain. Okay - I’m just going to rant. Because this is what I’ve made this pre-blog to my blog for. Not necessarily for anyone to read it, not to gain any following or anything like that. It’s mostly for me. To get into the habit of writing everyday, to improve my writing, and to basically get the hang of what blogging is all about despite not being a blogger. Why is that, you ask? (Friendly reminder to myself that no one is asking, but let’s just pretend for the sake of harmless insanity that there is). Well, it’s because I’d like to start blogging. In fact I really want to start blogging. The project doesn’t necessarily excite me or anything - I’m actually scared shitless, to be quite honest with you. It’s all so random. Blogging? Me? Why how when where? Why? Well, let me tell you the full exact entire story about me and how I got to this point and pretty much everything. I’ll try to keep it short but because this is my first ever post and I have to get everything off my chest to organise my thoughts, it probably won’t be.
Usually I’d start with giving you my name but I don’t quite feel like doing that yet. But if you know the girl from this story then chances are you know who I am. I’m from Sudan/Egypt/Iran. But I don’t usually tell people about the last two nationalities unless people ask the very Mean Girls “but, like, if you’re from Sudan why are you white?” Question.
Okay they don’t always ask it like that but a lot of the time that’s what people imply. And it gets very annoying, really. I usually just give them a tight smile insinuating that they’re ridiculously irritating. They usually get it and leave me alone forever. Mission accomplished.
Because of my largely Arab heritage, I am, by default, Muslim. Born and raised. Do I feel Muslim? I won’t get into that quite yet. I definitely believe in God/The Universe/WhateverYouWannaCallIt - in short I believe that there is some higher force, some larger than infinity being that serenely watches over us all and gently nudges things in certain directions. The reason why I choose not to discuss or necessarily affiliate myself with the rest of what Islam brings is because, well--okay I really won’t get into it. I’d hate to alienate people from my very first post. This is supposed to be an all inclusive kinda thing. Whatever religion/age/sexuality/race/gender/class you identify with, you are welcome with open arms here. Even if I wouldn’t necessarily like you, because, well, I’ve decided I don’t think that’s what blogging should be about. Obviously there’s some kind of demographic I’m aiming for but really if you’re just interested in general that’s fine too. But look at me, I’m rambling again.
Anyway point is there are a lot of Arab girls with varied backgrounds and who have been raised Muslim. What I feel makes me different is that I was born in Sudan, lived in America for 10 years, came back to Sudan, lived there for another 8-9 years, then moved to Maastricht, The Netherlands for university. Throughout this entire time I’ve gone through a series of personal changes and revelations about my beliefs and what I want to do with my life. (Ah see, now I’m getting closer to why I’m actually here, now).
My whole life I have had a conflicted identity, a war raging in my mind between who I am, who I want to be, who I am allowed to be and finally following that, who I let myself be. Yeah, it gets pretty complicated. A whole lotta raging identities in their fighting to be heard. Yep.
Anyway - aside from that inner turmoil - with the conflict of identity and changing personas I have constantly found myself switching from life dream to life dream. I’ve been dreaming away my life for as long as I can remember without actually sticking long term to anything. I wanted to be a writer, a singer, a fashion designer, an artist, a psychiatrist/therapist, a lawyer, a filmmaker, a cinematographer, an actress, a rapper (yes)--every dream I lunged into with the same amount of passion each. Indeed, years of my life were devoted to each of these aspirations, sometimes simultaneously. But like all passions undisciplined, the flames quickly burned out without much fruition. Sure I gained experience in all areas. But I had spread myself thin, and was a lover of all and master of none.
A huge factor of not ever really settling down on one thing was the fact that I hadn’t really settled on one personality. To this day I am trying to decide who I am. I’m also trying to come to terms with the fact that maybe I don’t need to decide and I should just stop trying to think about it and simply be. Obviously that’s a largely philosophical state of being to aspire to and I believe it requires a couple of more years of experience and maturity before I can get it down. The point is, I think I haven’t really chosen a life path because I’ve been trying to figure myself out. I’ve been going out, making friends, socialising, trying to figure out a whole bunch of stuff and... the truth is, I think while I was trying to figure myself out, I also lost myself. There were a lot of things that made me me - that I lost in trying to find me. Huge identifiers of this girl was my love for reading, music, singing, art, writing, all that kinda stuff - which I lost when I went to university because I was way too obsessed with making friends and establishing a social circle. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But I let it overshadow true passions. It’s not something I regret. I just now have to take a step back and compensate and rediscover the things I once held so dear to me.
This realisation, despite existing for a while, has risen even further to the surface when I started trying to choose a Master’s degree. As I filed through hundreds of websites I realised that they all required a certain level of experience I had naught of. Well, barely any. Cue panic. How will I get accepted? How long will I have to wait before I get enough experience? What if I have to stay in Sudan for longer than a year?
I should backtrack - I’ve graduated university from the Netherlands and my initial plan was to live in Sudan for a year, get work experience, get money, and get back to doing the things I loved as I mentioned earlier. In general just grow as a person.
Here are some of the things I realised:
1. Just because you learn a few songs on the piano, learn your mother tongue fluently (finally), work out a bit, and read a few books doesn’t mean you’ve changed as a person
2. I came back to my country still hating and resenting my country even though it’s my country and that’s where I tell everyone I’m from. Having an American passport I could easily tell people I am American and get away with it. Why insist on saying I’m from Sudan if I’m going to openly hate on the country?
3. Living in Sudan isn’t necessarily a bad thing and staying for longer than a year isn’t failure as long as I’m doing something productive
4. I don’t really have to do a masters right away if I’m doing something productive
5. I should do something productive
My aunt gave me an idea to start a blog. So maybe I should start one.
But how? About what? I know nothing about blogs!
About Sudan, she said. There’s so much you don’t know. People think there’s nothing in Sudan but that’s just because it seems so on the surface. But once you dig a little you find gold.
She began to tell me all these things I was missing out on, all the artists I didn’t know about, all the events and all the things that were being hidden, waiting to be discovered by someone who cared enough.
This hit me -- for I realised I never cared enough. I have always degraded my country. Whenever people asked me about Sudan I’d respond with a small smile and list a string of politely-toned, choice-word insults and then, when seeing the shocked look on their faces, feel guilty and backtrack by saying “Oh but it’s a beautiful country though, lovely people”. They’d never look reassured. I was never reassured. And I feel terrible. I feel terrible for tacking my name onto a nationality I don’t fully deserve or love. I feel terrible for not knowing enough about my country to be able to boast about it, and thereby giving false information that it didn’t deserve to be praised. It does, and I will make sure that it will.
So that finally brings me to the reason behind this blog. This is where I will be documenting my journey of becoming “That Sudanese Girl” which is how I ultimately want to be known. This is where I will post my thoughts, fears, and process to starting my real blog “That Sudanese Girl”, which, according to my short term goal, I plan to have fully set-up and started by January 2017.
