#stat rambles

[asadstatue]

There is one dialogue in i'm on fire fic (by cervviidae) I often think about, where Will tells Hannibal he feels like a dog clawing at the doors he wasn't meant to be let through, that all he knows is the blood between walls and crime scenes and that's barely a human at all, and I think about it so often honestly. At what point do you feel like there is truly something underneath it all that will make people intrigued and interested enough to stay?

[asadstatue]

My brother, who was nosebleeding last night: I hadn't noticed my own blood before, what an amazing thing, I like watching it

I'M RAISING A FREAK Y'ALL!!! PARTY IN 2 BUSINESS DAYS!!!

[asadstatue]

Sometimes all it takes is a comment from your mother on "why you're once again following people who look neither like a man nor a woman" and suddenly you aren't 26 with a circle of people who make you feel valid but only 15 and apologizing for loving your trans partner, promising it was all a mistake, feeling like a freak and swearing it won't ever happen again, so you can kiss them in a metro station four years later and shut down that ugly voice in the back of your head.

[asadstatue]

[ Bedelia: Where is Will Graham going to be looking for you next?

Hannibal: Someplace I can never go. Home. ]

Home, as in not only a physical space but a state of innocence perhaps. As a form of your own existence that is so deeply altered you can never go back to, as in the lingering hallucination of a memory you are half certain it ever existed but it has formed the human you are now. Home, as in that faraway concept that you still hold close to your heart, for it is still called 'home', but it is more of a mirage than an oasis. As a place you can never go back to, not because it doesn't exist, but because you will be an alien inside if you ever do. An intruder to a memory that knows a version of you that doesn't exist anymore. You can't go back because there will never be a version of you that knows the way back home anymore, not truly.

[asadstatue]

I saw someone saying there is little we see about Niall and Ruben's happy moments and a lot instead of reasons why they should stay away from each other, and while I get the point made, I was just thinking how it's actually very on point for how these kinds of relationships work.

It's beautiful. It's violent and it makes you frightened for the rest of your life, it traumatizes you but it also gives you your first times and not necessarily in a loving way but it's a first time nonetheless. It's all you need and it's all you want to be and you hate it so much at the same time.

And at some point you feel like you can't even remember most of the good moments, but they must be there. They must be woven so deep into your marrow that you can't reach them all. Because how else is it going to make sense why you are unable to let go of wanting it?

[asadstatue]

Fuck this burnout or period or whatever the fuck it is because i WANT TO make things but i CANT

[asadstatue]

If you ever see me double posting, no you didn't. My connection's shitty these days.

[asadstatue]

Someone shared one of my posts here on twt and I really want to get on hannibal side of twt but I IS AFRAID