I need to get a lot off my chest (long post)
I feel that there is a lot of things I need to explain on my own end that I haven't really talked about to people, especially those who I have had close online connections with since these last few years. It's not just on Tumblr but when I was also on DeviantArt before I decided to deactivate my account. I haven't been able to get the response out that I wanted to for a long time and I want to get this out before I don't get the chance to due to mental issue (no, it's not depression or anything life threatening, don't worry.) Overtime I haven't really been keeping up to date with messaging or posting to people even when they've made the effort to message me (even my own family). I do see when these people message me and it may take me a few days, weeks or even a month before I respond to it. Most of the response I give are either because of life issues or that I simply forgot to message but that isn't the whole story as to why. It's not because I'm lazy or don't want to message the person back even thought I've been convincing myself it is. It's mainly because I can't get myself together mentally to send anything and overwhelm myself trying to think of something that doesn't sound like an excuse or that I don't care about the person on the other end. I may respond back quickly to messages like "hi, how have you been?" or anything that involves general conversation since I already know how to answer. But when it's something that I have to think about in a way that anything I could say would upset someone I have to stop and take some time to get a response today that doesn't sound offend someone.
I struggle to pick up on certain social cues and taking in the environment unless I can clearly see it or if it's pointed out to me by someone else. Because it is an online conversation it's harder for me to tell whether I am overstepping a mark or saying something that may upset a person or a group of people I'm talking to. Yes, I have overstepped a mark before a few years back (around when I was 14 and 17) with people because I brought up topics of sexual, gory or inappropriate themes that have upset people before and they or someone else had to step in and tell me it was not okay. That still eats me up now because the fact that I can't pick up on if something I talk about is inappropriate unless someone tell me I feel degusted in myself.
I am very desensitized to a lot of things that would be shocking or sickening to someone who isn't used to seeing or hearing about it. I watched a lot of it as a way to cope with a lot of issues I had to do with violence when I was around seven. Watching videos or seeing images like that for some reason helped me to become less violent physically but also began to make me less destressed when it came to gore and other themes. I never asked anyone about it since I'd always been told that people who were autistic saw things differently and any questions about what I was going through were pushed aside. I never pushed any further about it because people would get upset with me when I did, especially people who didn't believe in autism or refuse to acknowledge I had it, one or two of my teachers convincing me I was just mentally sick and that discipline would work a.k.a yelling in my face, slamming their hands down on the front of my desk inches from my face, trying to get the work through my "thick skull" and being punished for not understanding the work. I know this doesn't have to do with it but it's a reason why I was drawn to the internet and talking online to people.
I began to use the internet a lot to express how I was feeling and making art to put online. I eventually found DeviantArt and began making art there and making friends with a lot of people. I began getting really involved in roleplay stuff and talking to people who followed me and became friends with me. I was going through a lot of stuff offline which prevented me from making friends so I saw the people online as my friends instead.
This is what lead me to get into unhealthy habits online which lead to me to get into unhealthy habits offline due to the people online who were influencing me. I would make a few people uncomfortable and began getting into online drama that I had no knowledge of beforehand, I thought I was helping people that way. I was also doing drawing requests which ended up making me uncomfortable to do because my own boundaries were being broken but couldn't say no. Eventually, I realized that I wasn't becoming a nice person due to my unresolved issues I had online and offline and my own mental health was coming at an expense. I eventually left DeviantArt saying it was because of AI but that wasn't the only reason. One of the drawing requests I'd received finally broke me and made me realize that DA wasn't as nice and friendly community anymore. All of the friends I made on there were the only positive things I had on there anymore and even half of them had deactivated due to website not caring about them anymore. I don't know if DeviantArt changed or not, I do not care for it anymore and I don't ever intend to go back.
After letting go of that website it felt like I finally had a chance to fix myself and get my life sorted. But, doing this also gave me the issues of lacking communication with those I used to talk to a lot. I kept feeling like I was saying the wrong things and some of the time I was. Sometime two years ago on discord there was one instance where I was trying to console someone and I said something wrong by accident. I tried apologizing and overexplaining what I did was wrong and I was mocked by someone else because they interpreted what I said as trying to make myself a victim. I ended up becoming mentally destressed because of it which eventually made me talk to people less and less until I became so paranoid about talking that I completely stopped communicating in group chats altogether. This and family issues that have been coming up that I don't like to talk about here.
It has taken me some time to finally start chatting to new people again and even with family and old friends I have. So @spookyhollowart , @unknowncreature19 , @rosebed69 , @1246114 and anyone else who I have been personally messaging for years, I'm sorry for the lack of responses I've been giving you. It's not anything you have done, I still have a lot of unresolved issues I need to sort out and that I might not always have the best response to give you when you need me. I just hope your all doing well and that life is treating you alright, I also want to thank you for being there for me when I needed it <3
