Evan lit a cigarette and took a long drag as he stared at the empty page in front of him before a quill straightened up and the words began to appear on the page, his thoughts on a paper as he pondered on what had happened and what lay ahead.
"Things have been strange lately and I haven't felt this lost in a long time. I know I am doing the right thing. At the end of this I will be on the right side of the history but its more difficult than I had anticipated. I had been enthusiastic about playing a part in this merlin awful war, to help the people, to finally act on the words I had said all these years, but I hadn't expected the guilt I have been feeling. I maybe on the right side of the history but I am still betraying a huge part of my family. Their views were twisted but these are the people I grew up with. The strain is starting to show on my relationship with Rodolphus. Sometimes I do wonder if the principles are good enough reason to betray my family, my brother. Then I look at Rodolphus and I realise he isn't the brother I had. If his fifteen year old could see himself now he would hate it. Rodolphus has turned into the man he had hated throughout his life, something both of us had promised not to do. We had promised we would never be our fathers and while i, myself have been able to get away from my father's shadow, Rodolphus hadn't been as lucky." the quill paused as Evan let out a frustrated sigh and ran a hand through his hair, lighting up another cigarette.
"I have managed to get evidence that pettigrew was involved in killing James but we don't have anything besides my own statement. It was enough to convince Lily but nothing could be done in the court and he had walked. The man who had managed to hurt one of my girl, Lily, my ginger snaps, like he did and he was walking free. I wish i could do more than what I am doing. Is it enough!? Telling them things I hear but they never really lead to much. Peter made the headline, the attack on diagon alley failed but these things seem so minor in the bigger picture which makes me wonder how bad am I at this. Even though I am one of the highest ranking officials with the death eaters I still can't find out who the fuck killed James. What use am I of if I can't even catch the guy who killed my best friend's fiance. If the situation had been reversed and this had happened with someone in the death eaters side, the man would have been eliminated for good but I doubt Lily would like me doing that, even if it was the guy who killed James. It would definitely make my job easier if we picked up on some of the policies that the death eaters have but that's what makes the order different. That is what made me join their cause which was the last string holding me from taking matters into my own hands."the quill paused again as Evan read through the page before continuing, "Which brings me to the biggest new yet. Helena. My little princess, my doudou. A double agent for the order. Just like me. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and I am so fucking proud of her. I never doubted where she stood on the whole situation but agreeing with their side seemed to be the best survival tactic but my baby sister is not only running the country, she is fighting for the right cause. That does not mean I am not worried about her safety. If anything I am even more worried but I would have to be the biggest hypocrite to ask her not to do this when I am doing it myself. I also don't give a fuck about being a hypocrite, the only reason I am not sayi g shit is because I know how she feels. After the years of torture at fathers hands I wanna do something. Big enough to take people like him out of the game forever. No kid should have to go through what we all went through. Now that i finally know about Helena, I can also come clean taking away a little weight of the guilt i have been carrying around these days. I can finally talk to Helena and look her in the eye and maybe she would be little proud of me. Finally see that I wasn't like our father, like I claimed all these years. That's the only silver lining in this whole fucking fiasco which is slowly drowning me. The guilt of betraying people I love and the guilt of failing the other side of the people I love. I am clearly not doing well on either side clearly. Hopefully, things will get better. That's all I can hope for, without hope there really isn't much to hold onto." he sighed as the quill fell on the side and he lit another cigarette while staring out the window trying to sort the mess his life had become.
