#steroid tw

[hidefdoritos]

I've been put on a steroid to help me beat this infection and boy howdy I hate it.

mental breakdown, food mention, SA mention, dysphoria, giant text wall, and a lot of relationship rambling under the cut. feel free to scroll. I am safe.

it feels like my brain has been lifted out and placed in a hot air balloon that is also a carousel. the balloon is piloting my body around. my body is extra sweaty and also jittery and little nauseous. the carousel of my brain is so anxious and cannot focus and is going Nine Million Miles Per Hour spiraling So Hard. i have 4 quizzes and an exam to do. i can't find an empty classroom without A Couple hanging out to "study" (in adjacent chairs, all but sitting in each other's laps) so I'm doing the exams from one of the music practice rooms and I can hear two pianists playing in different keys and it's driving me crazy and also I'm typing so much faster than I usually do and speaking fast too I think. i can't go back to my room because if my roommate is there and asks me what's wrong with me I'm gonna just cry because I'm spiraling SO HARD right now especially about how I'm single and my roommate is just gonna feel awkward and bad because she has a boyfriend and her entire identity is wrapped around him and she knows I envy that. oh gosh someone is playing a sad song and i'm actually going to cry about it. can't tell my other friend because she got broken up with Brutally over the summer and I don't want to make her sad. can't tell the other friend because she just got engaged. can't talk to the other friend because she asked a boy out for coffee and is texting the play by play about that. it's the same boy I wanted to ask out for coffee but i can't ruin her fun by saying so. i don't want to talk to a single person about it because I don't want to make them sad too but I don't want to talk to a dating/married person about it because they can't relate. don't want to talk to my ace friend because he can't relate. can't tell the other friend because that would require reaching for my phone and if I get on my phone I'll never get the schoolwork done. my screentime is over 8 hours today and I'm still not done. i have the world's most unmotivated group for my group project and I'm supposed to be leading and I've been sick for a month and the interview just fell through and nobody has stepped up to help. I'm so far behind I need to either get better or drop out. the costumes crew is waiting on me. i have paperwork due. everybody is better than me at everything. i scheduled work during the Thursday dress rehearsal. i'm in no way ready for the Friday concert. my stomach hurts from the antibiotic. i want to burst into tears but I'm so congested that I think a gallon of fluid would come straight out of my head and I've been trying so hard to hydrate. my laptop is in my lap and every time I look down I can see my chest which I usually don't feel dysphoric about but I guess that (and also sense-memories) decided to crawl out of the woodwork just for the heck of it because why not kick Moss while she's down I guess. my thrifted boots aren't actually leather and they're peeling. i'm wearing my split skirt and it looks incredible. i did such a bad job of painting my nails. why is there a mirror in this practice room. ironically the bottom of it cuts off between m neck and my shoulders, which is where I feel disconnected right now. my foot is going to sleep. i feel manic and depressive at the same time. my laptop is hot. i've been writing this post for 12 minutes and i think it helped. even if stuff isn't done it's helping to put all the thoughts out there. like venting a rice cooker. oh gosh I should be asleep already. i need to shower and go to bed. i already got a one day extension for this midterm i just need to go do it. i need to shower still. nooooo I have to deal with my naked body. i'm crying. why is this sending me over the edge? i'm gonna have to sit down in the shower tonight. oh no. on the one hand right now i have all the feelings of This Is Getting Bad Again that usually precede a serious low point in my life. however to be fair this is the first time i'm letting myself process any of the emotions from the last month of being sick. i just kept carrying on and collapsing over and over. ah, poor kid. i've been trying so hard.

[aesthetic-with-anxiety]

Hey so.. all of us already know that Heavy is used to animals that could slay an army, but like...most of the Mercs at least know what a bear is, and he’s probably one of the few that’s actually seen a MOOSE. Like, the others know what a moose is, but it’s really hard to comprehend just how BIG those bastards can get until you see one. 

I’m picturing like- scout screaming and everyone like “what is is this time” and are caught COMPLETELY OFF GUARD BY THIS EIGHT FOOT TALL ROIDED UP DEER WITH CLUBS ON ITS HEAD. Bonus points if it’s like, towering over a car at the same time. Everyone is kinda freaked out but Heavy is just like “No need for screaming. Is just Moose.”  “WHADDA MEAN IS JUST A MOOSE?” - probably scout

And then heavy explains it’s just a goddamn moose, just don’t get too close to it and you’ll be fine. 

[derekecohen]

BIO: DEREK ELLIS COHEN

character name: Derek Ellis Cohen age & birthday: 28, December 15th 1993 gender & pronouns: Cis man, He/Him place of birth & time in Fallbrook: Born in Fallbrook but moved away when he was 10, been back for almost a year and doesn't remember most people he knew. district: Downtown occupation: Carolina Hurricanes Hockey Player  faceclaim: Daniel Sharman secret: He’s actually been issued a leave of absence from the league due to his use of steroids but the league wanted to keep all of that quiet. In order to play again, he’ll have to get clean.

CHARACTER BIOGRAPHY TWs: substance abuse, drugs, injury, physical abuse, abuse, steroids

PAST

Life growing up was no picnic for the Cohen twin. He learned very early on that keeping his head down and getting the job done was the easiest path to success and freedom. But sometimes, even that just wasn’t enough for his controlling father. Still, he continued to try his absolute best in hopes that it would somehow be enough. But watching his mother and sister get pushed to their absolute limits, and beyond time and time again, led him to one day fight the man back as he couldn’t hold back anymore. This resulted in a beating like no other before it and he ended up in the hospital. The family all worked together to cover up his injuries at the time, but it was definitely a turning point for the three real members of the family, at least they were the only ones that mattered to him.

His mother worked hard to scrape enough money together and he made sure that he and his sister stayed in line for the next few months until they would finally be able to leave. The three of them moved north to be away from his father. Getting out of that house was the single best thing that ever happened to him. His mother was a hero in his eyes. So from then on, he wanted to do any and every thing he possibly could within his power to give her the life she deserved.

Early on, he’d also discovered a natural talent in the sport of hockey, something that had come from his uncle who was a former NHL star. As a young child, he wanted to grow up and be just like him. And while his father had constantly tried to exploit the young Cohen’s talents, Derek refused to let him ruin the game he loved so much. When he was only ten, his uncle helped him and his twin sister get out of Fallbrook, and get full scholarships to a boarding school in the Northeast. There was something so freeing, being out on that ice as the cool wind rushed through his hair. As a defenseman, he found such pride in being able to be a line of defense for the team when it came to making sure they didn’t score a single goal. But he also had an affinity for scoring as well, making him a double threat on the ice.

After high school, he played in a junior league in Canada where he found out just what it was like to live in a loving and supportive family. But it was really difficult to be away from his mom and sister. He knew that his twin was struggling but also knew that he needed to stick with his path in hockey. He’d call her as often as he possibly could and she’d watch as many of his games as she could through online streaming. They’d always been as close as could be and it was important to Derek that that never changed despite being far away from each other.

After Juniors, he opted not to go to college, instead entering the NHL draft. He was drafted by the Washington Capitals in the third round which sent him straight to the AHL in Pennsylvania with the Hershey Bears where he met Wren Schneider. He noticed very quickly that Wren was getting picked on by the larger egos in the locker room and one day was pushed to his limits once again, where he stood up for the kid. They’ve been great friends ever since. Eventually he was drafted to up to the NHL but was soon traded to the Carolina Hurricanes where he has played for the last couple of seasons. He’s not on the starting line by any means, but is happy for any and all playing time he gets.

PRESENT

Derek is constantly keeping things deep down inside of him and never really expresses himself. This worked out for him for a very long time but has began to catch up with him in recent years. Due to this he has been known to drink a little bit more than he should at time to drown out some of the memories. He also began taking steroids over the last couple of seasons which has made him better at the game but also severely affected his moods. During this past season he got into a fight in a game and just completely saw red. He doesn’t even remember most of the fight, only looking up at an angry referee that ejected him from the game. He was suspended from the league and tested positive for steroids but no one knows this as the league wanted to keep it quiet. On top of that, he also sprained his groin. One of the worst injuries a player can get in hockey because of how hard it is to rehab back to full strength.

He moved back to Fallbrook when he became a Hurricane. He didn't know what drew him back to the town that held so many childhood nightmares for him. His dad was long gone, so in that way it felt safe. But in other ways, he knew he had to face some demons. But a part of him also knew that if he wanted to get back to hockey, he'd need to face them head on. He’s not sure whether or not he’ll be able to get back onto the team after all of this and is struggling to get clean from the steroids even though he knows that he needs to if he ever wants to play again. Which means the world to him so he knows he needs to get it done.

Wanted plots & Headcanons

WC: He’s super shy so he needs people to try and get him out of his comfort zone, emphasis on try because it isn’t easy and he’ll probably resist.

WC: People who accept him for the way he is, quiet and unemotional. These people could be good friends or acquaintances.

WC: His twin sibling!

HC: He runs a lot so you could easily see him doing that around town.

HC: He’s helping Wren train for making it to the NHL.

HC: Probably has a barstool that he’ll sit at where he just cracks peanuts and watches sports at the bar frequently.

HC: He's a huge reader. Particularly sci-fi fantasy and fiction. And he'd like to join a book club if there is one in Fallbrook but he'd be shy about even bringing that up.

HC: Childhood friends with Arielle Rutherfurd and Owen Ence. They hit it off in Kindergarten and never lost touch even after he was gone all those years, traveling for hockey. He always knew they'd end up together.

HC: Is half siblings w/ Quinn Cohen and they never knew about each other until he moved back to Fallbrook.