#stomachprobs

[madame-stig]

Get outta here stomach,

Does your stomach ever make a farting sound without you actually farting? That may or may not have just happened to me. I was like, “Look, stomach. You can't be acting like your farting, because people won't know that you're just kidding and that makes me look bad," Sheesh. #Soinconsidadit

[gentleman-of-fortune]

Day Twenty-Three: Beware the Cheese

I ate some weird stuff on Tuesday that apparently ripped through my innards (too much information). Perhaps it was a block of cranberry-laden cheese I couldn't resist on my way out of a super-formal-ish meeting because it sure as heck wasn't the kebab that is now making our refrigerator the most aromatic part of this journey. 

So yesterday after literally crawling out of bed, I think they were doing maintenance or something. I was in the middle of sud-fest 2014 with a lump of shampoo in my wavy dark-brown locks when suddenly the lights go off and the shower stops giving water. So I'm sitting there on the coldest day of the time here in Oxford in the dark... when I run out yelling French and quasi-weeping then bawling out in unadulterated laughter at my misfortune. Oh the shame. 

Thirty minutes later I am back in action after traipsing around my room soaked in five-mineral shampoo trying to keep warm. I then proceed to rinse up and brush my teeth which did not end without incident. Like Moses striking the rock, water struck my toothbrush nearly out of my hand. It doesn't help either that I almost slipped on the soapy bathroom floor (that I created thanks to my own stupidity) while trying to keep a grasp on that green brush handle. There was only this funny voice in my head yelling "FIRMLY GRASP IT" and if you don't know the reference just type the big...bold, unfriendly letters into google, you smartypants. 

So long story short I'm starving, need moneys, and am trying to recuperate in bed. Help me. 

P.S. Don't help me. I got this.

P.P.S. Actually you can help me by sending me moneys...which you probably won't. Hey, it was worth a shot.

[sk3letonston3r]

A note to my stomach

Dear stomach, I JUST ATE! I AM NOT HUNGRY. STOP BEING BIPOLAR that's my job. Why are you being so weird? Stop being annoying. I can't eat again till morning so stop whining. I even ate extra today just so you'd shut up, but I guess that wasn't good enough for you. You have acceptance issues. -me.

[bizeeanna]

Someone come save me

[steadfastontohope-blog]

Hobbies, non-pregnant bloating, and evil Chinese food

So every time I eat a meal that is not a cup of yogurt or a pediasure, I bloat up like I am (according to my mother who has experienced it) 4-5 months pregnant. This is ironic because 1) I am not pregnant 2) everyone thought I was pregnant this summer 3) I eat baby food. 4) lactation is a potential side effect of my medicine and 5) Who knows if I'll even be fertile after all this is done...yolo.

But I have been inspired to name my bloated stomach. Since I want to name my child after my favorite grandma, who we all call Gabby, I have taken to calling my stomach after meals "Gabby Jr." My friend Kevin calls my stomach Jeanette, because he has decided that I'm not screwed up. I don't suck. My stomach does. So he sends me texts saying "Jeanette is such a bitch", etc.

Last night I was punished by a gluten-free egg roll. If I eat a food that is, by all means, quite tame, but my body hates me afterward and makes me either throw up or lay in bed the rest of the day, I call it "punishing." I was punished by baked apples and a frozen coconut bar last week. So rude. So I read a book (City of Bones series..gah) and sat with Gabby Jr, who refused to deflate after many many hours. Dumbass eggroll.

I have decided to start doing things, as my relative lack of friends in PA has had me in a sort-of doldrums. So I will do gentle things I like and can be done alone. i.e. crafts, and writing letters, and reading (which I have already been doing). I also took a Gentle Yoga class. I had to modify it, but it was nice. I love yoga.

So there are your updates from mine and Jeanette's world. Yes, in case you were wondering, I just ate a (egg whites and 3 pieces of potatoes) lunch, so Gabby is peeking out. [That supreme irony when you lose around 25 pounds over a summer but you need to wear the clothes that no longer fit because of bloating. Classic.]

  negu, and message me if you want! (: have a lovely day, humans

[natterbutter]

Class: *taking test*

My stomach: I like to make dying whale noises blahglAAAUUGUHHAUUUUAAAAAAAAA

[natterbutter]

Why does my stomach always make the noises of a dying animal right as it gets quiet like omg can you not

[healing-is-strength]

Update from the nutritionist!

So unfortunately, I had a setback last week.  The antibiotic that I was on for an infection in my jaw after wisdom teeth removal messed up my whole system.  On Saturday, I woke up with my lower stomach measuring 36 inches, and by the end of the day, I was at 38 inches.  I was miserable.

Anyway, I got a harsh dose of reality when talking to my nutritionist on the phone.  I won't be able to add in any type of starches for at least another 30 days.  It's going to be really, really difficult.  On the plus side, I get to start adding in a few more foods such as applegate sliced turkey, steamed asparagus, and pureed pineapple.  Although these things may seem gross to most people, they're like heaven to me after eating nothing but pureed carrot soup for days on end.

I'm just hoping that since today is my last day on the antibiotic, I'll start feeling better next week!  I want to be able to go to beach week without being distended and miserable the whole time.  I have two weeks, and I'm just praying that I see a noticeable difference! 

Wish me luck! :)