And I’m Sure Here You Are, Reading This…...
I seriously feel like I just had to post this because after requesting twice that you not be an audience to my social media you continue to disregard my request. Maybe you have some weird nostalgia about whatever we had or what I wrote to you in that letter but here’s why you shouldn’t…
You allowed me no closure and I never sought to contact you, keep in contact with you, or bother your existence in any form after you left so your disrespect of my wishes takes me aback and your lurking ultimately continues to be a selfish act on your part which sadly doesn’t surprise me.
In retrospect, now that time has induced objectivity into me, I clearly see you for what you are and what you did. When I met you, you absolutely knew that I was a wounded animal still reeling from my divorce and a subsequent toxic relationship. I continually tried to break things off with you sensing that you were painfully immature, awkwardly impulsive, highly insecure, inexperienced in life, and not my match in intellect nor in emotional depth. You projected all of your insecurities and past hurt onto me when I was only guilty of genuinely being a good person and having your best interest at heart whether that included me or not, and I beyond proved that in how even when I was pregnant in how calm and levelheaded I remained and reassured you that I would genuinely support you in all of your aspirations no matter what occurred between us. That circumstance inevitably showed us each other’s true colors for better or worse.
Now it has become quite clear to me the height of your selfishness, which I shouldn’t be surprised by because selfishness is a mark of true immaturity, and again your lurking on my social media only continues to solidify that to me about you.
When I miscarried I told you right after that if you wanted to leave I would absolutely understand, that it was a very tough and sobering experience for any guy your age, but no you insisted that you still wanted to continue to see me. You were given an easy, and understandable out and your impulsive selfishness won out as always.When you came back from your assignment in Death Valley I guess I intuitively knew that you had met someone else or were talking to someone else, and that’s why when you came back you were so distant with me and found so many excuses to not come see me after a month of being apart. I guess I just subconsciously expected better from you in you not lying to me about meeting someone else but instead you picked a huge fight with me and used that as your easy escape plan, and that was beyond evident when you couldn’t even face me to tell me. I think I blocked that truth out for so long and internalized it as you rejecting me because of something I did or was, but now I see we were both right; I was too good for you. You took advantage of me in my very emotionally weakened state for your own selfish ego validation because you actually knew that were it not for me being in that sad, messed-up emotional state that I was in when I first met you that I would’ve never even remotely given you the time of day, because again, we both knew you simply did not measure up. You not measuring up is a fear and insecurity you’ve carried with you forever and that was painfully obvious within the first hour I met you. I actually felt sorry for you because I could read it on you so easily. Somehow by pursuing and landing me you were going to prove to yourself that you somehow did measure up because in your mind you simply couldn’t bear one more rejection and I was the easiest target for your insecure ego to prey upon.
I can clearly see now just how absolutely selfish, and immature you were and ultimately you still lurk on my social media for your own ego validation. You long for someone to still long for you or to pine for you, again to mask and make up for your own seething fear of rejection and not measuring up in general. For months after you left you knew I was missing you (how laughably deluded of me) and you knew this from continually looking at my Tumblr and I honestly didn’t even think you even remembered I had a Tumblr but wow was I mistaken. Even me politely rejecting your request on Instagram twice then politely asking you via Twitter (after you lied and said that it was a just coincidence that I just randomly showed up on your suggested follower list) to not be an audience to my social media it did not deter you in the least and apparently still has not. How laughably predictable you are especially, subsequently seeing you accidentally repost some of my Tumblr posts to your own Tumblr and then seeing you spring up in my Instagram Stories timeline as a daily viewer. You might actually want to learn how to use and stay up-to-date on the social media you lurk on.
So if you think that I still hold you in some lovelorn esteem or even high esteem at that, you are definitely mistaken and deluded.
I now clearly see you for the frightened, overcompensating, selfish, impulsive, hot-tempered, immature, insecure child you were when I first met you. You were a mistake that I let go on far too long and I now realize that I only gave you the time of day because ultimately I felt so empathetically bad for you and I was in an emotionally horrible place. I’m so glad that you ultimately left because I was deluded by prior pain to think that you were ever anything more to me other than someone I reluctantly fucked out of pity. I think about what a mysterious blessing it was to miscarry because I can’t imagine having to be linked to you forever and be subjected to your constant, childish, angry lashouts that now seem so ridiculous and laughable in hindsight.
