#string of thought

[optimisticpieceofstring]

shoutout to my mom for teaching me emotional literacy

[crucifere]

So the other night I had a dream with this guy that I knew and haven't spoken to in many years. It was one of those really boring, elaborate dreams. Mostly I was surprised by how someone so incircumstancial to my life had just popped up in my subconscious and with such detail.

Naturally I did what anyone would do under these circumstances: I decided to snoop on social media to find out what he was up to. What if there was a reason as to why my brain unearthed him? And all I learned is that he's a Trump supporting anti-masker these days.

I went looking for info because one of the thoughts that I had went along the lines of "hey, maybe he got famous and I glanced an ad somewhere that put him in my head". But instead, basically I don't even know the guy anymore and I'm sorely disappointed in him :|

[spaghettiandwordsalad-blog]

Couple burnt out smokes left behind by careless lips Nearby oil spill bleeding out of husk of careless driver Burnt out not quite fresh ash a few embers left untapped Struggling blindly towards sweet smell rainbow black liquid quenching thirst Boom Explosion wave of heat sparks starting to flock towards dim sky Forest fire small things screaming running crying Anger only anger who are you how dare you how could you Trees falling dead grass turned to gasoline burn the fire higher hotter always more Forest endless fuel endless words fuelled by words No you're wrong you're stupid stop talking get out of my way Raised fists bared teeth hissing spitting fire Out of my way OUT OF MY WAY NOTHING WORTHLESS HUMAN YOUR FLESH BURNS JUST LIKE GRASS LIKE TREES LIKE FOREST HOLDING MATCHES TO DEAD THINGS LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE HATE HATE HATE WORDS HATE BLOODY TEETH HATE RAISED FISTS HATE FANGS HATE FIRE Hate fire burns keeps burning Explosion

[spaghettiandwordsalad-blog]

emotions are rollercoaster

slow climb peak stomach-dropping-through-the-floor-fall broken crashing through the earth even lower underwater in the ground

do i hate you do i love you both both both 

tearing self down the center both both both how can it be both

slow climb - you are friend i can talk i can be you are good you are nice i can roll with this i like this maybe we can talk more maybe we can be more friend

peak - i always want to be around you youre the best youre on a pedestal everything is good always good cant leave dont want to leave have to stay around have to stay in contact mine only mine only only only

fall - nothingness that hurts nothings wrong but im sad im angry why did you hurt me like that you did nothing i hate you you did nothing wrong leave leave go away dont come back never want to see you again

underwater - so alone always alone cant go on so alone so very very alone everyone gone empty so empty why does this always happen why do people always leave so guilty my fault so sad so empty so alone 

rollercoaster off the tracks where’s the tracks

tracks what tracks why would there be tracks

[spaghettiandwordsalad-blog]

trying to be funny trying to seem happy people leave if youre too sad people leave if youre not entertaining enough people leave

people always leave parade processions funeral processions crowd of floating balloons like smoke cant catch it can only chase it

chasing feeling chasing emotion chasing people please stay im sorry im so broken chasing happy chasing normal

chasing anger trying to capture and figure out why chasing sad figure out why does this effect me so badly chasing shadows 

chasing faint glimmers of i can interact like this i can friends like this how do i friends how to i people how to i be good enough for them to stay

chasing chasing chasing always running tired out of breath legs hurt 

always chasing

never finding

[spaghettiandwordsalad-blog]

im told suicide is a sin

im going to hell anyways

i only fit my skin 40% of the time the rest of the time it’s too loose or too tight or somewhere in between 

that’s a sin too im not female no matter what my body tells you thats a sin too

my love has no bounds i dont care what you look like i dont care who you tell me you are i can love you anyways i probably will love you anyways because well im just like that i guess

and thats another sin i dont care if you’re male i don’t care if your female i don’t care if you were once one but now not i don’t care what in between you fall into

my heads sick i cant get out of bed most days i see things sane people never will i hear things no one else does some days i want to kill some days i want to burn everything to the ground i have an illness its somewhere in my head

apparently that’s a sin im sick there’s literally something physically wrong with me but thats not right im not right so there’s another sin

i worship the energy of the universe i have no gods i believe in everything around me i believe in life i believe in one steady heartbeat i believe in the power of everything i use figures and images and words and symbols to center my belief 

i can make a sailor faint once you get me going i know more words than in this language ill swear at anything at nothing at everything

i have no sabbath no sunday no day of rest i need not one when the universe always goes on i hate my mother all she did was birth me and nurture me into a life of pain and mistrust and lies and hiding

i smoke i drink ill do drugs if i have them handy im not married but ask me how many times ive had sex ill love more than one person at once (and we made relationshipS work) i learnt how to lie from abusive parents (how is that not a sin why are they not damned to hell with me) 

i stole when i needed to and when i didnt little things turned to bigger things turned to make sure no one can trace this back to me 

ive lied ive lied ive lied to everyone

ive sinned

im a sinner

[spaghettiandwordsalad-blog]

talk normal act normal walk normal normal mask im normal nothing to see here keep walking im normal just like you

just like normal curled up crying trying to leave the house

just like normal stuck in bathroom trying to stay alive

just like normal house crumbling around my head cant move cant get out of bed cant fix breaking foundations

just like normal flames flickering edges of my vision shadow shapes behind the walls something in the walls i can hear it clicking i can hear it screaming

just like normal staring in mirror fixing smile not my face not mine not me who is this whose body am i in

just like normal watching how to show happy how to show anger how to show love how to show sadness how to have emotions

talking normal acting normal walking normal just like you

just like normal

[spaghettiandwordsalad-blog]

spitting out black poison dripping black eyes bleeding black pouring crashing

waves crashing drowning caught in the undertow held under waterfall cant swim cant escape trapped

trapped in small box in small room in smaller room in world iron bars i cant see them but why else cant i leave

leaving leaving float back up to the clouds let me leave im floating im drowing in clouds pretty white fluffy ill make them sick with my bleeding black red red red

green sick so sick can’t move can’t breathe throwing up green coughing sick scratching out sick infection infection in my brain scratching cutting bleeding have to get it out

have to get out