High school never ends, and unfortunately, neither does bullying.
Unfortunately, like many of you, I was bullied for most of my childhood. While I loved school (I was a nerd), it was a stressful time from a social perspective. No matter how hard I tried I could never quite fit in. Starting University was a revelation. Being smart was admired, not shamed. Classes were filled with likeminded people and due to the sheer volume of students you could avoid those that weren’t a good fit, shall we say.
Finally, I was free. I put all the past down to naivety. Kids are cruel, and stupid and don’t see the long term; that being smart will get you far and being a strong willed woman will help you get through the challenges of life. They just see the shoes your wearing and make fun of you.
Adulthood seemed to be my saviour. Until that is, I entered the workforce and was greeted with high school 2.0. The bitchiness, the backstabbing and clicks, were all back with a vengeance.
I recently left a job because of a bully. She (yep, no sister’s doing it for themselves here) was a few years older than me and in a more senior position. I was excited to work with her, to learn from her and hopefully get the chance to show that I could contribute too. Unfortunately this was not the case.
She would often tell me something verbally and then reprimand me for going ahead and doing it over email – avoiding any kind of paper trail. She would tell me I was doing a good job but the feedback she would give to senior management was that I was not performing. She loved to use the word ‘junior’, ‘young’ and ‘inexperienced’ to consistently put me in my place all the while urging me to step up. I was stressed and confused and feared coming to work some days.
At first I couldn't understand what was going on. I knew everyone had a different management style so maybe I just needed to adjust. I tried different ways of communicating; I tried being more friendly, less, every approach failed. No matter what I tried it seemed I just couldn't fit myself to her needs.
I finally listened to my gut and realised I was being bullied. In a different, subtler way than in my childhood days but the feelings of shame, confusion and fear were all there. I would cry from frustration some nights after work, I tried to speak with HR but feared that it would make it worse, not better. Eventually for my sanity I decided I just needed to leave. Luckily, I’ve found a great job since and am happy, but I couldn’t let it go.
I realised I was angry with myself. Angry that after all these years of, I guess we'll call it practice for the lack of a better word, I still let someone make me feel small and affect how I perceived myself. I thought I was better than that. I thought I was stronger. This was my job after all, why didn’t I stay and fight for it? I was victim blaming myself for not being able to control my feelings, to not have found a way to ignore being belittled and made to feel worthless.
After a while however, I came to the conclusion that you don't grow out of your feelings. You don't one day wake up and stop being hurt by other’s cruelty. Yes, maybe you find techniques and new ways to cope but I realised that if I felt the need to escape, for my sanity (and unlike school) I had the power to do so, I should, and I did. It’s taken me a while but now, finally, I accept and feel good about that decision. I now know that being strong doesn’t always mean staying, it can also mean admitting that you can’t cope and making the decision to take yourself out of a negative situation. If you find a resolution or find a way to keep going that’s great, but if you want to get away, I urge you to do so, because really, you only have one life and you shouldn’t live it feeling miserable.
In the end I have realised, it's my bully who has some growing up to do, not me.
