Sometimes I just sit and think of all the things that I could do, and sometimes I just sit there and take it in, feel it, and other times it feels like an ugly monster thats rearing its head because it isn't getting to do those things. It's always the impossible things, the things that are just so slightly out of reach that it's like torture to think about. Do I want to end my life where I live, drop off the face of the earth, move to the other side of the country and start my life over? Of course. Could I do this? Of course, there's nothing stopping me. Except... there is. There's always something stopping us, tiny commitments we don't realize we've made and had an impact until we think about these things. I can't just up and leave my life here. What of my parents? My family? What of the people I call soulmates and best friends and the person I call my lover? What of all these tiny consequences that all add up? The human mind is only concerned for itself, but we create a consciousness that rebels against it, screams to care for others and pay attention to the life that we're living. So of course I could drop everything and buy a plane ticket, but I'm not going to because there are strings keeping me attached, strings that would get tangled and broken if I strayed too far. Strings that would stay with me for the rest of my life and weigh on my being. With all of this in mind it's logical to assume that even if the monster starts rearing its head, I won't pay attention to it. But I feel my monster is bigger than me sometimes, and much, much louder. I feel it thrash and scream, begging for a way out, begging to be set free to do whatever it wants. Why is it that when I've created a safe environment with people that I love, all I want to do is scream and run away from it?
my late night and early morning thoughts