I've had a really shitty week and it is rant time...
So I really hate people now and this week has highlighted one of the main reasons I have trust issues. Apparently there are two people in my studio who think I shouldn't be there because of my performance anxiety. I found out from one of the grad students on monday and now I don't know how to act around someone I considered to be one of my closest friends.
In just over a week I will be at my parent's house again and I'm super fucking nervous about because I've changed a lot this semester.
Social Anxiety has been kicking my ass too. It is so hard being around large numbers of people. Being around my whole studio is hard and there are only 12 members, 13 if you include our professor. If I'm around small numbers of them, it is great and I love it. Reed class today was nice because it was just me and two of the guys.
Sometimes I don't like being a demisexual and a demiromantic. One of the guys in my studio is a great guy and I may be starting to maybe be attracted to him? I don't understand it. Usually when I think I may be starting to like someone, I withdraw from them and reason my way around my confusion and just go for being that person's friend. But this time it didn't work. I still feel confused whenever I think about him.
Also, my list of friends is getting thin. I am not a very social person and it takes a lot for me to be around people. There is a very small list of people I can be around for long periods of time without feeling drained. My roommates are not on that small list. Neither is my best friend's boyfriend.
My best friend's boyfriend is a great guy and I generally enjoy being around him, but lately I haven't. He doesn't always think before he talks and he doesn't always think things through. With my shitty week I've been a lot more sensitive about things I do and say, and when I was criticized, I withdrew from myself in a way I haven't in a very long time. I still feel out of touch with myself and I feel exposed even by myself in my room, in the corner.
I kinda feel abandon, though I don't really know why. I feel like the people I'm close to are expanding their horizons and growing as people while I'm still hiding behind my little walls I use to keep everybody out. I hate it when people talk behind my back and now I'm really scared to let people get close to me.
I also feel like my best friend is being held back by me because of all my problems. She is such an amazing person and is so quick to make me feel like I am not a burden, though I can't help feeling that way.
I just... don't know. There were a lot of good things that happened this week, I just feel really shitty about the bad stuff. Anyway... Yea... Sorry for the long post. Hope your week was better than mine.
