#su*cide

[moonlight45609]

"The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it, one gets through many a dark night." – Friedrich Nietzsche

[ultranotfine]

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

you said it's not up to us to decide to take ourselves out. so a person who is in constant pain, who has nothing to live for, for whom being alive is literally constant psychological torture, should just endure the suffering until something external finally puts them out of their misery? I don't think that's ok. I don't want to suffer anymore. its been over 35 years now. people are allowed to do whatever they want, including abusing me for their own personal gain, but I'm not allowed to even get to stop hurting?

Hello again and on. I must confessed that your last ask caught me in the middle of the night with very little sleep and was such a surprising thing because while I used to get those kind of ask all the time it has been many years since I've gotten one.

Once again I feel maybe I'm not the best person to ask because I have a deep love of God.

I believe that in most all situations God is the only one who should have the authority to take a life. However I do see things from your point of view and I think my advice to you as an adult would be a little different than my advice to you as a teenager who is not gone out and experienced life.

I will say that I have been through every type of abuse except for sexual period I have somehow managed to live through all of it and I have found my own separate piece with things.

And while I believe that God is the only one in most situations that should be able to take a life I also don't believe that suicide is going to send you to hell. But again since I've never died I can't tell you that for sure. The thing that kept me alive the most is thinking what if I went through all this horrible stuff and I killed myself and there were more horrible things waiting for me on the other side how crappy would that be?

I know what it is like to feel trapped, I know what it is like to have no family that knows what you're going through or cares, I know what is like to have friends that don't take you seriously or no friends at all.

I am very curious as to why you are asking me for my permission to let you kill yourself. If you are dead set on it I'm not sure what the words of a stranger could do for you if you've already made up your mind. But like I said I have lost so many people. Most importantly my niece who is only 5 years younger than me and we grew up like sisters. When she was 35 she took her own life after her stepfather had taken his own life. This caused my sister to die and it also caused my nieces younest son to die as well.

Before any of that happened our mutual best friend was basically murdered when she went in to have her first baby and the anesthesist in charge of her delivery was high on drugs and killed her and her unborn child.

My niece and I went through parallel lives. We were both terribly abused both as kids and as adults in our adult relationships. Neither one of us had parents to back us up. But it f**** me up in every way possible to know that I thought my way through it and she didn't.

Being an undiagnosed artistic for the first 45 years of my life another reason that I never killed myself is because at the time I had no idea what was wrong with me but I knew something was and I really feared that I was just completely insane. And I knew that if I killed myself that's what everybody was saying about me oh we always knew she was a weirdo yeah it's pretty typical that she would do that she was probably crazy. And I wasn't going to give them that satisfaction.

After everything that has happened in my family absolutely will not give you my blessing to kill yourself. I can't.

The only time I would ever say that is okay is if you were dying from cancer or another terminal disease. I just found out that one of my friends who has suffered horrible medical conditions for the last six or seven years for every day she lives is a little bit worse than the day before because of two extremely rare conditions she is found out that she has had and on top of all this she just found out she has stomach cancer.

If that pain from that disease was so bad that she decided to take herself out of it then I could say nothing bad about that. To go out on your own terms in that situation to me is a right. And I realize it is a stupid double standard to say that physical pain is worth the psychological pain. Or that cancer is worse than abuse.

I wish I had some kind of psychological degree that I could give you more help on this but I am just a punk rock school teacher who is trying to get by her own self.

I am so sorry for all that you have been through whatever it has been. No one deserves abuse, no one deserves to be hurt, no one deserves to be gas lit. Everyone is valid. Everyone is deserving of love.

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

I am too exhausted and too sad to type all this out again so I'm just going to post screencaps from my facebook. I simply cannot believe this is happened again.

[hereos]

the two things that helped me choose to always remain a survivor were 1) consciously putting it away as an option and 2) refusing to hallow it. 

and by that i mean holding it up as some silent almost sacred method that can’t be spoken of and isn’t talked about in Polite Conversation. hallowing it, placing it on a silent pedestal - that’s a form of romanticization. if we can talk about death candidly - nuanced, sad, grief-causing death - we can talk about su*cide. it’s not special. it’s urbane and widespread and sad.