#subtle bullying

[slugcat-in-gundam]

what... what kind of "based on my likes" is this

[letterstomydaughter]

On Bullies - the sneaky, subtle, and more monstrous kind

Dear Daughter

There is a kind of person who abuses their position, subtly, silently, and worst of all, socially acceptably.

I’m not talking about the kind where they throw brute authority around (I hesitate to use the word “power”, even though in this case it might be the same thing) - the loud bullies are obvious, and are more likely than not frowned upon. These are easy to spot, to avoid, though stopping them is always a challenge, as it is with bullies. The ones who intimidate explicitly, these can be easily banded up against, and stood up to.

I’m talking about the kind that will act in the grey areas. They will make a jab at you, at seemingly meaningless things, to get a reaction - sometime they will escalate this to things that border on offensive, personal, sensitive, but they will remain in the grey area by only hinting at it, often by complimenting or praising your direct opposite They will test your patience, little by little - slight delays, slight detractions, slight dilly dallies, but never something critical on its own. They will have different definitions of treatment based on whether it is you or them being treated that way - such as how “respect” can be to mean “treating like a human being” and “treating like a figure of authority”, and they only scarcely give you a scrape of the first while they demand all of your second. They will ridicule you over things that mean nothing to them, but mean everything to you, and they will tell you that you are overreacting because “in the big scheme of things, it is actually so small” - but then again, in the big scheme of things, what isn’t?

They will let it pile up, until you react. You may put up boundaries, but they may not be effective in dealing with them, because of the position they hold relative to you. If you do react, then you are blamed for being petty, being sensitive, not knowing how to handle difficult people, or to take nonsense, and they will tell you that because you are such, then you cannot be great, you cannot rise through the ranks, you cannot do good things.

And then they will legitimise their behaviour by claiming that they are testing to see if you can handle hardship or difficult people. They will say they are teaching you how to function in the real world. They will laud themselves for how they are training you, and they will claim credit for your good decisions while they absolve all responsibility for their advice that may have led you to make the bad - the common tripe would be along the lines of “I’m just giving you my thoughts, you have to decide what to accept and what works, and what doesn’t”, which is utter poppycock because if you know how to exercise discretion in that situation you wouldn’t have asked for their opinion in the first place.

But the truth is - that is their world. It doesn’t need to be yours.

Yes, taking a beating and learning how to get up is a useful life skill - but so is helping another through such a time. It is a fine tightrope to walk in order not to overly protect from nor prematurely and deliberately expose to the harsh realities of this world.

Yes, by failing more and failing early, you can learn more and learn early and quickly - but that does not justify them taking the morally superior stand in doing so. Discipline with love is more painful to the one dispensing it than the one receiving it, and you will be able to tell who are the ones who take joy in dishing out punishment and who weld it with compassion.

You can still do good things - in your world, with the people around you, with your community, and these bullies will not see it.

You are still loved - even if they have worn your self-esteem down to a point where you have begun to kneel to everyone at first venture, but you still have a home where you will always be safe.

Ultimately, we should be compassionate to such people; if their intentions are indeed true, then what a world they must have been in, for them to believe this is the only way to learn, to help, to do good! And if their intentions are not, then what a world they must have been in for them to not have good intentions to those around them! We do not have to condone their behaviour - we make no excuses for them, but only to understand (a la Durkheim’s Structuralism, once more) that they have been conditioned to behave in a certain way because of their environment and situations. It is a reason, not an excuse, for their behaviour - and while we can seek justice (and sometimes even righteous vengeance is warranted), it is also done with compassion toward their state.

Remember that “he who fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster himself”.

Love, Dad

[xissa-chanx]

Person A: OMG, you're not going to wear make up caked on like in the picture you sent me, are you? (Referring to picture of wearing foundation, winged eye liner and a subtle pink lipstick)

Person B : I'm still learning but what you said kind of made me feel bad

Person A : I'm so offended you'd say that. How dare you say that *I* made you feel bad

Person B: I'm sorry you acted like a shitty person?