Oct 24, 2017
one thing lately is I’ve been suicidal but I don’t want to give up eyeshadow. isn’t that stupid. I love it
seen from Australia
seen from China
seen from Türkiye
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from Czechia
seen from Lithuania
seen from Lithuania
seen from United States
seen from Lithuania
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from India
seen from Russia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from Germany
seen from United States
one thing lately is I’ve been suicidal but I don’t want to give up eyeshadow. isn’t that stupid. I love it
Laying on a very comfortable couch so sleepy and well fed on pasta and homemade by an Italian sausage red sauce and Do Rite donuts from Chicago in a farm-hotel half of which was built in the 1700s and the rest in September and all of this is free for me and I haven't felt so suicidal in many weeks. I should have stayed home and stayed in bed instead of letting myself feel so alienated and broken. I want to lay outside with the goats and die.
oh, also, due to trying-to-kill-self-going-crazy-getting-fired-hospitalization shit i apparently now owe 8,000 to my former school/employer & i’m meant to be getting my MA in a couple of weeks and my paternal grandparents i rarely get to see are coming all the way from new jersey and they’re both approaching 90 and my mom wants to invite her friends to a Celebratory Dinner after which will most certainly be a disaster and i want to not exist
i do actually think the most useful thing to see how different i am post-ECT/how much better my depression has gotten is, like, me fucking up in minor ways, and being able to see that it’s minor (moderate at worst) and not the end of the world and i don’t spiral into a deep dark hole of self-loathing that i can’t crawl out of and lose my ability to function or do anything but obsess about the mistake and how awful i am and how i should die and exactly how i should kill myself and failing that at least maim myself a little. because i’d been doing that for so long that i didn’t realize it wasn’t normal, like, doesn’t everyone become acutely suicidal when they sleep through their alarm,,,
I mean like idk even what to say. There's only so much you can repeat "I want to die" before everyone gets sick of it and wishes you would.
I saw a reminder that it’s the anniversary of the ´ecole polytechnique massacre and I reflexively screamed and started sobbing and I will never start or finish this final presentation on the almost 100% criminalization of abortion in Ireland. I can’t sleep and I’ve been binge eating and smoking if this is how I cope when my friends lose their loved ones i will absolutely kill myself when my friends die.
Thanks for the input
how do i not become a burden to those around me