Homestuck | The Summoner♥Marquise Spinneret Mindfang
"Do you think trolls can change?"
Her voice latches onto you like a spiderweb, and you turn your head toward her, not sure how to feel about the strange wistfulness in her attitude, nor the drunken slurness of her words.
Spinneret Mindfang is beautiful, you have known this since the night you first laid your eyes on her. From the well-defined shape of her body hardened by sweeps of fighting, through the mane of her hair that encapsulates her dangerous nature, to the face that had no right to look so delicate and precious, the hidden softness she only ever allowed you to witness.
This night, in the dimming light of the candle, she looks exhausted, her age painting on her face a picture of a long, tumultuous life.
It's a warning sign you make a note of, and in spite of her clearly far from sober state, opt to take things seriously.
"I… want to… want to believe so… yes," you duck out after a moment of hesitation.
She's never minded your stuttering, only worried about other trolls perceiving it as a sign of uncertainty, not that you weren't aware of that yourself.
'I'll practice with you, if you wish.' She grinned one day, then winked with her good eye. 'I've got some rhetorical skills to share.'
Right now, she chuckles in her cup.
"What if it's the Empress or someone just as atrocious who wants to change? Would you still believe it possible?"
'Can you keep loving me while knowing what I've done? All the stories of the pirates, the absolute depths of depravity they have reached… I have done this. If you ever think for a moment that this is a line no one would have crossed, I have. There's no crime I haven't committed, Summoner. I have long since changed my ways, but that doesn't erase my past.'
You've known better than to doubt her words back then. She lies to others, but never to you, she'll give you the barest of minimums, she'll make you work to reach the conclusion, but it will be the ultimate, undeniable truth.
You wonder, not for the first time in your life, what would The Sufferer say? You've heard of him from his believers, you've learnt his sermons by bloodpusher. A troll of prestigious skills when it came to speaking, not you who can't finish a full sentence without anxiety overriding your whole thinkpan.
'You speak from your bloodpusher, with the passion of a true believer,' she said at some point, grinning, with a small glint of Something Red in her eye. Back then you hadn't known yet she was the one, but a part of you felt it that night, you're certain. 'I'll be there with you, every step of the way. So, speak. You will never be without my support.'
You take a deep breath. It doesn't calm you down, but you've found out early in your life that the world won't wait for you to gather your courage.
You look her in the eye now - this is not a question you can mumble your way through - and what you find there is not sorrow but a challenge. Tired and desperate, so unlike her usual, confident self, but a challenge nonetheless.
And just like that, your nerves steel, and your voice returns.
"That… depends," you say.
You hold her gaze with no wavering as her alcohol-glazed eye widens, watching you slowly approach her, only to kneel on one of your legs, so your faces can level with each other.
"Do they truly want to?" Your voice is barely above a whisper. "Do they genuinely regret their choices? Are they doing everything in their power to make up for it?"
You sound so sure of this.
You're a disgusting liar.
She turns her head just when you manage to catch a glimpse of something wet and blue in her eye, but you take her face in your hands and move it back.
"I love you," you say as you plant a light kiss on her forehead, then allow her entire head to lay on your chest. Her horns only barely manage not to stab you in the throat.
Even at her most vulnerable, she’s the personification of danger. And you hold her close with no intention of ever letting go.
You're not a good person, you admit to yourself not for the first time. No matter what others say, no matter what she says, you're not actually that good, you’re not good at all.
You love her, and you don't love the Empress, and to you, this makes a world of difference.
She could break your spine, tear off your wings and horns, slaughter cities and villages, and you'd still see the Cobaltblood who gave you the gentlest, most beautiful smile in your candle-lit tent, who traced the bloody writings on the walls of The Disciple's cave with care and fear you wouldn't have accused her of. You'd see the woman who'd sit down every other night with a cup of tea and write down in one of her journals, so wistful and so serene. Who'd judge your plans and draw you maps. Who'd tell you stories of conquests, of a lifetime of travels.
She is beyond any law and beyond any reason, and you have always been a fool.
What would The Sufferer say if he knew? Would he be disappointed that the one who's called the successor of his ideals binds his morality to his whims? Would he dub him no better than the Empress they both fight against, the only difference being a pure chance of his affections being directed at the enslaved casts?
You should be disappointed in yourself, you know, and a part of you is, you have no doubt. But it’s Aranea's cool body you feel, not your Savior’s, it’s her companionship and love you cherish above all else, not his mercy.
You don’t care if the trolls can change or not, you will not say out loud.
The monster is only a monster until you love them.