#sunafterthestorm

[sunafterthestorm]

These little hands

Are mind to hold

Minds to mold

Hearts to grow

If I could give you anything

It would be the whole world on a string

So hear me when I whisper close

I’ll be wherever you choose to go

Love,

Mom 🩷

[sunafterthestorm]

I know

That this madness is going to end

But I don’t know when

And I know I am not supposed to

I sit in the darkness awaken by sweat and tears from a bad dream that teeters on the edge of reality

and my body is trying to tell me something-

I don’t know what

But I am supposed to

So I keep on surviving and I dye my hair and

I cut it off because I don’t know who I am and I don’t care anymore

And I lose my patience

And I say I’m sorry

And I hug my kids

And I worry but I don’t say anything because nothing I do will change the world-

But maybe I am supposed to

I have stopped writing and try not to think and I miss my dad but I don’t cry because I don’t have time to

And I see bombs on tv and I am sad but not surprised

And I don’t know where to go from here -

And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do

[sunafterthestorm]

I am half of everything.

Half of a conversation that the other person never bothered to listen to

Half of a bottle of wine that was just too much to handle for one night

Half of a dream that was part of a fleeting memory-

Not intense enough to last

Not sharp enough to pierce the mind for a lifetime

I am half of a poem that was never finished and half of an I love you that was never spoken, anyway.

I am nothing at times and everything, too.

I am in between

and never enough

and always too much

and I will never be what I need to be

for anyone

Or anything

[sunafterthestorm]

I have spent so much time

Trying to be the light

Only for darkness to wrap itself inside of me

Curled up

Tangled in my bones

With no way out

I have failed myself

Never saying no

Throwing water out of a boat with a gaping hole with nothing but my hands

Everything is slipping through my fingers and I

Am drowning.

Who is going to save me

When I am so busy trying to save everyone else

Who is going to want me

When darkness is all that is left?

If I could only decipher the bird’s song

If I could only read everyone’s mind

If I could only be everything

To everyone

All the time

Maybe the light will find me again

[sunafterthestorm]

I guess

We’re all different for a reason.

Not everyone can appreciate the glow of the overhead lights and write songs about them. Not everyone can fix a heart and make it beat again. Not everyone can speak to machines and have them make sense to the rest of the world. Not everyone can change a tire in the rain without screaming. I don’t know what I am.

Some of my thoughts are so unkind

But god,

We’re all here for a reason.

Take me home.

[sunafterthestorm]

All my life I was told that I would have to go through hell.

I might walk around on fire,

Nobody would know how to put it out

But eventually-

I would be stronger.

Now

I walk in circles with the weight of everything crushing me

And I am told that it should be easy

And I should be smiling

Have a little fun,

You should be stronger.

Now

I am sick

That I know

It is going to get worse.

I will catch fire

And be crushed

And I will cry

And no one will care

I will be strong

Until strength means nothing

And all I will be in the end

Is dust

[sunafterthestorm]

Lately I’ve been thinking about dying.

Specifically, the peace that comes with closing your eyes and ceasing to exist. A simple, uncomplicated exit. A smooth transition back to dirt and stardust.

The thought tastes like sugar on my tongue every time I speak it to myself

And I don’t know if anyone would notice

But I just need to find some peace.

And maybe I will close my eyes and maybe I will wake up with a little more light, tomorrow. But mine has all but burnt out

And I just want to find some peace.

[sunafterthestorm]

Everything is calculated

With numbers inside of equations I can’t decipher.

Everything is brutal

And my tears are worthless, a drop in a well with no bottom, falling endlessly and breathlessly as I scream into a void where nobody can hear me because

They don’t want to.

I have nothing left to give

So I’ll just give up Everything,

Choke down thoughts with no hope and spit up words with no meaning

I thought there might be something to save me as I grasped at air and gasped for air and realized

I was wrong.