“REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE HAPPY?” - P.SH
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park sunghoon x f!reader angst
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synposis: you think about your best friend back in high school every single day. you remember how close the two of you were until he disappeared for a whole year. when he contacted you again, you never expected things to take such a twisted turn.
contains: depression, childhood friends, situationship, angst, suicide, major character death, lack of communication, non sexual intimacy, kissing, bittersweet ending, fluff if you squint really really hard, frequent flashbacks to sunghoon and reader as classmates, arguments, reader slaps sunghoon
A/N: this fic is really confusing to read because of the flashbacks im really sorry. also, this fic has really heavy topics as i mentioned and please read with caution. if you are struggling with problems like depression and suicidal thoughts, it’s important if you seek professional help or talk to someone you trust about it. keep in mind that you are never alone and that i will always be there if you feel like there’s no one. never be afraid to speak up to anyone and especially not when it’s a serious topic involving hurting yourself.
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sunghoon was just that type of person at school where no one has any idea of who he really is behind his quietness.
all anyone could really say about him was how he only talked when the teacher called him out to answer a question or how he always ignored whoever would try to speak to him.
only you were the one who could say so much more about that quiet guy.
you were able to say how much he loved the stars, the outside smell after rain, how sweet his laugh was, how much he hated loud noises and physical touch, how he always fidgeted with his hands when he was nervous..
and how much he adored you.
you remember him falling for you the moment when you were together at night after sneaking out to meet him at a nearby park, sitting on the hard wooden bench that was soaked due to the rain from before.
the two of you have never sat this close with eachother. your thigh was touching his and you were laughing with him while all he did was smile.
sunghoon was looking into your eyes the whole time as if it was the most entertaining thing he has ever seen in his life and so were you in his.
you eyed him up and down, noticing how he was fidgeting with his hands again.
you gave him a nudge on the shoulder with a soft laugh, to which he covered his face with his hands out of embarrassment instead. you found it stupid how he was still nervous with you, even though there was no one so close with sunghoon as you were.
you figured he was just shy, especially since you have never touched him—not even a little bit at all in the time you’ve been friends with him.
friends wasn’t the word to describe you two anymore.
sunghoon smiled when he revealed his face again and wrapped his arm around your shoulder, he probably thought that was something friends should be doing.
but what friends definitely weren’t supposed to do was leave without any explanation.
you weren’t prepared for him to leave you so suddenly—leave literally everything that happened in his life behind in general.
now, you were sitting on a blanket on the sand, the sharp cold wind blowing in your hair at the beach. you gave sunghoon a disappointed look while all he did was stare at the view infront of him, ignoring how upset you were.
you haven’t sat with him in well over a year now and it started to annoy you how the nostalgia crawled all over you.
a dark sky, unbelievably cold, after rain, sitting next to sunghoon again.
the silence was too loud for it to only be considered as awkward, it was something worse. it was as if you were about to scold someone after they did something horrible.
and the worst thing is, that’s exactly the case.
—
“my pants are wet now because of this bench!” you stood up and crossed your arms, kicking a rock on the ground with a sigh.
sunghoon chuckled and shook his head, looking up at you with a teasing pout. “you’re the one who suggested we’d sit down somewhere.”
you smiled and grabbed him by the hands, pulling him towards you and gently letting both of you fall on the wet grass. the two of you laughed quietly to avoid waking up people living close to the park and looked up in the sky, admiring the shining stars.
“you know..” you suddenly spoke, shifting your position closer to him. “i wonder what our lives would be like once we graduate.”
sunghoon let out a long sigh and scratched his head. “i don’t even want to think about growing up.” he spoke in a disgusted tone.
you rolled your eyes, unsatisfied with his plain answer. you hated how he was still never open about himself, always wanting to listen to what you had to say instead of him talking.
“you’re fucking boring.” you giggled and looked up in the sky again. the stars were bright tonight, as if they were aware about the two of you being together and trying to get attention from sunghoon so he could avoid talking.
sunghoon shrugged and placed his hands under the back of his head, his elbow touching your shoulder when you crossed your arms again.
he was so quiet and you liked that about him.
but you only liked that when you were happy with him.
—
you try your best to not sound harsh before speaking, taking a deep breath when you looked straight towards you, the waves of the sea making noises loud enough to cover up the silence.
“after all this time, why did you do it?” you had a slight crack in your voice, holding back tears in your tone.
sunghoon cracked his knuckles, playing with his fingers as he looked down at them. he pretended like he didn’t know what you were talking about, but he knew exactly what you meant.
that whole year, it felt like decades.
he licked his lips nervously, his throat felt like it was burning, not being able to utter out a word. he was ashamed to be back here again, next to you.
he shook his head, only giving a simple answer,
“i don’t know.”
—
sunghoon being handsome was something everyone was aware of already. there was just something about him that made him stand out.
his pale skin, those thick brows and his plump lips—that’s what everyone noticed about him.
but you could tell so much more.
the moonlight shined in his eyes beautifully, he looked unreal. he had the type of beauty someone should write a book about.
you were on that bench again, you haven’t felt like any of this before with him. the mood of this night felt so much more intense, but that’s something both of you never wanted to admit.
atleast, not right now.
“are you okay with me sitting this close to you?” you weren’t even sitting that close to him, but knowing sunghoon, he wasn’t that big of a fan of physical touch.
sunghoon’s lips curved into a sweet smile with a nod. you found it adorable how he was finally stepping out of his comfort zone and accepting how he could trust you.
you didn’t even suggest if you should move closer, instead, he stood up slightly to sit next to you, actually next to you and not just a few inches away.
it wasn’t even that big of a deal, but why did it make you feel different?
you’re not used to his touch. yeah, that must be it, right?
that’s what you told yourself, but it was more something that bothered sunghoon. his hands kept playing with eachother as he looked down at them, his cheeks were growing a bright shade of pink.
you took a look at his hands and pushed him lightly on the shoulder with a laugh. “come on, are you serious?! you’re the one who decided to move closer and you’re nervous again?”
sunghoon laughed and bent over to shamefully hide his face inbetween his hands, his face glowing red out of embarrassment. he forgot you’ve known him well enough to tell whenever he was nervous in situations.
“i’m just not used to this..” he defended himself before sitting up straight with a deep breath, looking back at you with an upside down grin.
once the laughter between you two calmed down, he licked his lips, hesitating wether he should ask the question that’s been on his mind the whole entire time.
“is it okay if… i put my arm around you?”
he was so much more confident than usual that day, but still so shy like he’s always been. if you compared sunghoon from back then with sunghoon right now, you would feel like a conversation with a stranger would’ve been less awkward than whatever you two were going through right now.
you let out an annoyed sigh. “you don’t know?” you clenched your fist out of anger, trying so hard to mask the fact that you wanted to yell at him, call him a bunch of insulting names.
one whole year without updating you and all he left was a suicide note. you thought he was dead already, that he was getting sick of his life.
sunghoon gave you a small nod, he couldn’t even look at you. you found it pathetic.
“where have you even been, hoon?”
the nickname sent him shivers down his spine. he hasn’t heard it for so long and he wasn’t aware of how much he needed to hear it from you again.
he didn’t even pay attention to your question. the only word he captured was ‘hoon.’ that nickname only you were allowed to call him that took a long time to convince him to get used to it and suck it up.
“don’t say that.” he swallowed after speaking, his chest began heaving and his hands flew to eachother. he was fidgeting again like he always did and it started to annoy you.
“you’re the one who contacted me again and you’re fucking nervous?!” your words came out harsher than expected, his hands covering his ears immediately to muffle your shouting.
you were so upset with him, you couldn’t care less about what you had to say that might hurt him.
—
you were left speechless. your heart was beating so much faster now at that question. it felt like as if the tables have turned, you were the one looking like an idiot instead of him.
sunghoon’s eyes softened, your eyes locking into his. you nodded and he carefully wrapped his arm around your shoulder, gently holding you as if you were fragile.
his heart was beating just as fast as yours. you were his best friend, he couldn’t imagine a friendship stronger than the one you had with him.
but you didn’t want the ‘best friend’ label on you anymore.
you wanted something real and you thought he wanted that aswell. why else would he hold you like this?
even better, why did it even cross his mind in the first place?
you felt yourself getting shy. your words kept turning into more and more stuttering after every sentence you tried to say out loud and you hated how he fucking loved it.
sunghoon leaned closer, his forehead resting against the side of your hair as he closed his eyes, melting into your touch before he whispered so quietly, like no one was allowed to ever know about this coversation,
“i really like you.”
your eyes widened, your heart feeling like it was going to explode out of your chest. you refused to answer him and instead let yourself turn bright red at his confession.
sunghoon chuckled nervously to himself when he noticed your reaction. you never expected him to be so open with you like this, especially not when it’s him talking about his romantic feelings towards you.
—
“i don’t know what to say, i’m sorry.”
he sounded so cold, you couldn’t even spot a single emotion in his tone. all you could think about was that year you spent worried sick about him. he was so much different compared to the time the two of you were still close.
but no matter how much he had changed and how much he was acting like a total stranger, you would never call him anything less than your best friend.
“have you ever even thought about me when you left?”
you were trying to get your voice to sound more rough, trying to get the whole truth out of him. you knew his absence didn’t happen just because he was bored—no one would do that.
sunghoon let out a nod, a wave of regret and guilt overflowing him like the sea infront of the two of you. the waves kept getting louder and so did your voice, demanding more answers out of him and to open up.
“then why did you even consider it?!” you swallowed, your voice shaking when you yelled at him.
“consider what?”
“consider writing the fucking note!”
before you knew it, you were crying. painful sobs coming out of your mouth as you wiped your nose with your sleeve. you knew about his attempt when you received his note.
it was last year, you haven’t seen sunghoon for a while and even forgot about him due to your busy schedule. you opened your mailbox and read a letter that said,
“from: sunghoon”
you expected it to be him updating you about how things were going, but didn’t expect it to be the worst note you have ever read in your life. his words hit you in the chest as sharp as a knife, he wrote about all of his problems all in one piece of paper in tiny letters so it could still fit.
you felt horrible after reading, refusing to do anything useful anymore. you stopped doing your favourite activities, stopped eating your favourite foods and spent the whole year thinking what would happen if you still kept in touch with him.
you had to pinch yourself when you sat next to him again a few minutes back, you still couldn’t believe your eyes met his after a year of worrying about him and believing he really took his own life.
—
your lips crashed onto his roughly, your hand cupping his cheek when he held you as close as possible. you felt so happy with him. his hand gripped tightly onto your shoulder to soothe his nerves a little, even though he knew it wasn’t going to work.
you were his first kiss and it was so special to him.
even when you pulled away, he clenched his eyes shut. he was scared to maintain eye contact with you after such a beautiful moment like this.
you scratched his hair with your fingertips lightly and waited for him to finally open his eyes, his tear glistening eyes.
he was about to lose it, just a little away from crying out of joy. he loved the feeling of your body close to his, the way your lips fit perfectly onto his like a puzzle that was meant to fit together.
just like the dynamic between you two.
you knew for sure you were made for him and he also know he was made for you. whenever your classmates shipped you with him, you rolled your eyes, telling everyone you guys were just friends.
but slowly but surely, the friend label started to fall off.
there was no denying it anymore. after all this time, he swore he only kept close to you because you were the only one he was comfortable with, not because he was inlove with you.
but as the days went on ever since you two became friends, he kept falling harder and harder.
there was no more defending his feelings now. he was madly inlove with you.
but you only started to actually fall for him when it was too late.
the way your heart was pounding wasn’t because of the same feeling you had as him. he was head over heels and you were just nervous and convinced you liked him back.
you hate yourself so much for it.
sunghoon walked you home, his arm wrapped around your waist the entire time. he loved you dearly, but you felt ashamed that you couldn’t return the same feeling back.
before you could say goodbye, he held onto your wrist to stop you and pulled you closer. sunghoon wrapped you into his arms, hugging you with your head against his chest to feel his beating heart.
you closed your eyes, calming down into his touch and hugged him back tightly.
—
sunghoon stood up, about to leave and never speak to you again, but you ran after him, trying to keep up with his speed. “you’re fucking leaving now?!” you shouted at him, gripping onto his wrist harshly.
sunghoon pulled his arm back to free his wrist from your hand and continued walking. you kept on chasing after him, you needed more answers.
he stopped walking and turned around, looking down at you with his fist clenched. he had no right to be upset about this and it pissed you off.
you breathed heavily, calming yourself down before speaking,
“do you..” you looked into his gaze, tears prickling in your eyes as you sniffled. “..remember when we were happy?”
sunghoon reached out to grab your hand, but you couldn’t handle his gentleness right now. before he could hold you, you slapped him across the face. sunghoon covered the cheek you hit with the back of your palm.
you pointed your finger at him with both fists shut tightly. “remember how happy we were back then, before you fucking lied about your death?!” you yelled at him. “fucking answer me!”
sunghoon wanted to die. It wasn’t just him after doing something embarrassing, being sad or being angry, no, he actually wanted to end everything already. he wanted to end the pain he was never comfortable of talking about and found suicide as his only way of escaping the harsh reality he lived in.
sunghoon quickly pulled you into his arms, holding you close before you could fight him away. he refused to let go until you were able to feel the sleepiness you’ve had whenever he hugged you back then.
you were lying if you said you hated it. he felt so fucking good and warm. you let your tears soak onto his hoodie as you gripped the fabric tightly.
he pressed a kiss on the top of your head before resting his chin on it, rubbing your back gently as he slowly rocked his body side to side when holding you.
“i remember everything.” he whispered softly, his voice so soothing to your ears. you could listen to him talk forever and you would love every second of it.
you hated him. you wanted to punch him right then and there. there was no forgiving any of this, but you had no other choice to if his warmth made your heart sink in the best way possible.
it was something you could already expect, but it still surprised you how you noticed him shaking. he felt vulnerable, weak. he didn’t want to, he fought so hard not to, but you knew he was crying.
you couldn’t hear it, nor did you feel any tears come out his eyes, but there were signs of him finally breaking down—getting emotional with you.
for the past few years you have known him, there wasn’t a single moment where he cried infront of you. you were so used to him being happy around you back in the old days.
and as much as you hated to admit it, you knew you were about to cry again.
you patted him on the back, reassuring him everything was okay. out of spite, you forgave him for the year he left. there was no way you couldn’t when he was being like this.
—
“do you like it?” sunghoon fidgeted with his hands nervously after giving you a beautiful necklace. he must’ve saved up money just to make you happy.
you held the jewellery box in your hands and stared at it with wide eyes, nodding with a teeth showing smile. sunghoon started to get flustered and gave you a kiss on the cheek before standing up and reaching for your hand. “come on, i’ll help you put it on.” he grinned and guided you towards the bathroom infront of the mirror.
sunghoon took the necklace out of the box and put it around your neck as you looked into your reflection, admiring how stunning it looked on you.
“it’s beautiful..” you sighed with a smile.
sunghoon wrapped his arms around your waist from behind, kissing you on the cheek and stroking your stomach as he layed his chin on your shoulder. “you’re beautiful.” he replied, a corny but cute answer.
you rolled your eyes and placed your hand on his cheek, both of you staring into the reflection of the mirror. your eyes squinted when you smiled, causing him to hide his face.
“why would you get me this?”
sunghoon swallowed and let out a deep sigh. “don’t know, i just fet like i had to.” he pressed a kiss on your temple and pinched your cheek to tease you.
you appreciated it, you still treasured the necklace on your nightstand to this day. it was a moment that had to be cherished.
not because of the necklace, but because you were actually falling for him.
what you didn’t know was this was the last time you’ve seen him before his note.
a long difficult conversation where sunghoon explained that he wasn’t feeling well and wanted to move somewhere far away once he graduated was the cause of him to leave you.
that’s what he told you. why would he lie?
you told him you understood and even forgot about him ‘moving away’ before he told you about his suicide attempt.
but when you were in the passenger seat of sunghoons car, you noticed the way to his home was oddly familiar. he moved out, but not somewhere far away.
he stepped out the car after parking infront of his house, opening the door for you before you could step out. you gave him a nod with an uneasy smile and closed the door behind you as you walked besides him towards his home.
everything was neat and clean, it looked like a brand new house. the kitchen was so shiny is could sparkle, the carpet under the coffee table didn’t have even a little dust on it and the couch seemed completely new.
you shrugged it off and sat down on the couch after taking off your coat and shoes.
sunghoon poured a cup of tea for the both of you and sat down next to you, holding his arm around you with a sigh. “i’m really really sorry.” he spoke in a tone that seemed like his throat got stung with a ton of guilt.
you chuckled awkwardly and took a tiny sip of the hot tea. “it’s fine, hoon.” you smiled to convince him it was okay, when it really wasn’t.
he nodded, his heart racing at the nickname again. he loved hearing it from you. it felt like you two were teenagers again, madly inlove and happy.
—
“you’re moving?” you brushed your thumb onto his palm as you gave him an upset look. you didn’t know he was strugglinga nd felt bad for not being there to notice it.
sunghoon gave you a comforting smile and pulled you in for a warm hug, inhaling your scent before givving you a light kiss on your forehead.
“i love you, okay?”
his words hurt. you loved him too, but you two were never official. all of this was still purely platonic since neither of you asked eachother out.
“i love you too, hoon.” you gave a sad look with a soft smile. sunghoon immediately noticed it wasn’t a genuine one and held onto you tighter. “come on, it’s okay..”
this time, you actually smiled. he was so sweet and gentle, it felt calming. you gave him a kiss on the lips and looked him into those pretty eyes of his.
“if that’s what makes you happy.”
—
“are you still in love with me?” you asked him straightforwardly, which caught him off guard. sunghoon choked on his tea and laughed before placing it down on the coffee table. he leaned against the couch and brushed a piece of your hair behind your ear.
“every single day.”
you shook your head and scrunched up your nose. “then why did you never ask me out, huh?”
you hoped he would ask you out right now, restart the love life you two had years ago—but instead, he kept quiet with a slight shrug. “i was too scared, i guess.” he was lying through his teeth, but it was somehow believable, knowing he was shy.
sunghoon looked out the window behind you and noticed the heavy pouring rain, figuring he could use it as an excuse to keep you here longer. “do you mind staying the night here…?” he asked quietly as he fidgeted with his hands.
“no, not at all, i guess..” you took a sip of your tea, finishing it already while his was still half full.
sunghoon was happy to know you were able to stay. he really couldn’t handle spending the night alone, even though he needed to be prepared to spend the rest of his life completely alone later on.
sunghoon didn’t finish his tea, but still insisted on going to sleep. he prepared the couch for you to sleep on with soft pillows and the blanket from his room.
“don’t you need them too?” you asked as you nuzzled into the blanket, but he only shook his head with a soft smile. “don’t worry about me.”
you smiled back at him, reaching your arm out to hold his hand, your fingers interlocking with his. you layed down straight on your back and turned your head to look up at him.
sunghoon sat down on the ground, admiring how beautiful you looked. nostalgia was growing in him as he thought about how crazy in love he was with you when he was younger.
sunghoon gently pressed his lips onto yours, deepening it with his hand on your neck. you put your hand on the back of his head and pulled him close. it felt like sitting on that wet wooden bench again, him confessing his love for you. your chest was about to explode with happiness and he pulled away with a sweet smile.
“i love you so much.” were his last words for tonight.
not just tonight, but forever.
you woke up, remembering you slept comfortably. you smiled when you realized you kissed him again, which cheered up your whole mood already.
you stood up to walk to the kitchen. you wanted to prepare breakfast for him, like a wife. you opened the fridge only to find nothing in it, not even a carton of milk or a box of eggs.
you thought it was probably because he didn’t do the groceries and closed it again with a sigh.
you waited for him to wake up, entertaining yourself with whatever there was to do in his house. you looked at old pictures he kept, giggling when you saw his baby pictures listed on the wall.
hours have passed already. it was 5 pm and you lost track of time, but sunghoon still hasn’t come downstairs yet.
worry flood over you again and you began to overthink everything. you started to get a bad feeling and slowly took tiny steps on the stairs to go over to his room.
you knocked on the door once, no answer.
you knocked twice, no answer.
after knocking for the third time, you had enough and finally opened the door.
you screamed, dropping down to your knees. your heart shattered into a million pieces. you felt sick to your stomach, as if you were about to puke.
you couldn’t believe what you just saw and covered your mouth as you stared down on the ground. you pinch yourself as hard as you could, hoping this was just a sick nightmare.
you sobbed loudly, screaming into your hands with your eyes clenched shut and a horrible feeling in your stomach. your knees felt weak, just like the rest of your body.
you looked up again, a rope around sunghoons neck as he hung from the ceiling. he was already pale before, but now he has truly lost all of his color.
the rope was wrapped so tightly around his neck, his body was soulless now.
you screamed, as loud as you could. you sobbed so loud it was making your throat sore. you had to leave, as quick as possible. you had no idea he would go this far and especially not when you were there in the same house as him.
you spent the past few hours in his room, crying until there were no more tears left to shed and your voice completely gone. you never want to feel like this again.
—
there you were, standing infront of the grave of the man who claimed to already have been dead in that whole one year he didn’t speak to you.
the thought of his death still haunts you every single day. you suddenly regretted every horrible thing you’ve said about him, even feeling guilty for the times you had an argument with him.
it was raining, you didn’t bother to bring an umbrella.
the image of a rope tied around his neck was enough to prevent you from doing anything anymore. it was already bad when you received his suicide note, but now, you actually saw it infront of your eyes.
you placed the flowers on his grave and a jewellery box without the necklace as a memorial for the next time you visit again.
you sniffled and wiped your tears, smiling a little when you saw the listed baby picture of him on his grave. he was so happy that his eyes were squinting.
you look down to your chest, holding tightly onto the necklace with another sniffle.
once the rain stopped and stars were shining in the sky, you looked up, inhaling the smell of the rain with a dry, humourless laugh.
“remember when we were happy, hoon?” you cried silently, looking back at his grave again. “i still think about us everyday and everything reminds me of you.” you sighed and stood up again, leaving the graveyard with an uneasy feeling.
you grip onto the collar of your sweater and took a deep breath, fidgeting with your hands as you walked back home.
once you reached home, you sat comfortably on the couch with a hot cup of tea, rain pouring outside and turned on the tv. the sudden noise was loud, causing you to flinch. you smiled as you looked at the screen and shook your head, realizing that sunghoons habits have came onto you now.
atleast he’s still there somewhere. not physically, but in your heart.