#sunnfish.tbhk

[sunnnfish]

Due to the mental anguish I am rambling about tbhk. I WAS going to put this under a readmore but that keeps breaking the post on mobile so. Im sorry. Tons of spoilers for chapter 99. And like the whole series. You know how it is.

I feel like I need to make an itemized list because there’s so fucking much I need to talk about right now

The violence and parallels to tsukasa. I mean who can forget tsukasa prying mitsubas mouth open to feed him number 3s heart. Who knows what tsukasa’s intentions were but they weren’t necessarily bad— as we know now mitsuba needs to eat to survive plus number 3 was like a pretty big power boost that would keep him together for a longer time. So he likely just wanted mitsuba to live comfortably. BUT ALSO there’s the beginning of the chapter where tsukasa tells mitsuba to dig the heart out himself vs kou who gets it for him. Anyways. With kou here it clearly came from a similar place of wanting mitsuba to not disappear. There’s a desperation to it and fear and it’s one I personally actually know quite well. I’ve dealt with friends refusing to eat and take care of themselves and it is a violent frustrating feeling that just ends with crying after the anger fades. There’s a lot of confusion like. Why do you not care about yourself as much as I care about you. Anyways. His actions make a lot of sense to me bc I have felt and done the exact same things.

Me core ^

and THEN there’s mitsubas feelings of wanting to be fucking exorcised and going to the fucking minamoto household to do it there’s so much here hang on. Like. I think he went to the minamoto house for some sliver of hope. If he wanted to for sure disappear he probably could’ve waited it out or something better but he went to the place where, depending on who answered the door, he’d either die or be faced with fucking. Kou minamoto. And the fact the he chose to reveal himself to kou it’s like. Did you really want to disappear. Did you really. And then taking him out on a fucking date basically like. You don’t want to disappear do you. You just don’t want to be. This. He wants to be human. He wants someone who will understand him and. And. Kou so readily accepts and understands him. Even the parts he thinks are ugly or unworthy. Fuck.

AND THEN. Kous feeling of inadequacy and fearing that mitsuba trusts tsukasa more than him and connecting to the vision he saw in the red house. Whether he accepts it or not he wants mitsuba to need him. The red house showed him a mitsuba who told him that he needs kou that he wants kou to be a supernatural with him and he brushes it away knowing mitsuba would never say that to him. He tells himself that mitsuba would never trust him or want him like that but he wants it to be real and he’s still hurt when the real mitsuba won’t open up to him. And it all comes back to his overall self worth issues of wanting to be strong and dependable and worthy.

AND this is all under the context of Teru finally letting kou have some responsibility and telling him to go exorcise the low level spirit that came near their home and AaaaaAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUU. KOU MINAMOTO……..

God its just. Kou minamoto cares about mitsuba so so so much and neither of them completely understand the gravity of it all. Also at this point hes said like 3 times that mitsuba is the root of all his worries. ALSO dont even get me started on the art and expressions this chapter. It’s so gorgeous like as always but. God. Also the keychains. Im gonna[blaring truck horn]

ALSO the way mitsuba says at the end like ‘you’d be lonely without me’ or whatever and kou almost looks shocked for a second like. Oh. And its like he thinks about it more and cries more because yeah, he would be lonely. He’s been lonely. Mitsuba somehow inexplicably became like his closest friend that knows everything about him and god he was lonely when mitsuba disappeared. The first time and the second. And he’s barely had time to process any of it because to everyone else around him mitsuba doesnt really. Matter. And because kou is so kind he is always putting everyone else’s problems in front of his own. The severance happens and it becomes a journey to help nene bring hanako and aoi back—next to no mention mitsuba aside from the leads to the red house, much less trying to find and save him too. The whole time theyre in the boundary to the far shore its all about hanako and nene and number 6. And there’s STILL the conversation about how to become a supernatural that he brought up with nene but noooooo we cant ever know anything about what kou wants. And like. It all comes back around this chapter because he so so selfishly wants mitsuba to live. One of the only things he lets himself want. And it aches. God. I wish i was any good or natural at prose writing because god the things i would write about minamoto kou. AND TO TOP IT OFF HES LIKE FUCKING 14 YEARS OLD…. Okay. Okay im done.

[sunnnfish]

SOMETHING I FORGOT ABOUT TBHK CHAPTER 100.

Mitsuba. “You’d be sorry to see me go, the same way you would for anybody.” THERES. There’s things here. Things that comment on both of their states of mind.

Mitsuba believes he isn’t special to kou. He thinks kou is this self sacrificial idiot who’d go around dying for anybody. But like. Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t remember him crying like this before. Out of grief and frustration and loneliness. Not when he learned nene was going to die. Not when his brother was split in front of him. He’s only ever cried over mitsuba. Mitsuba is different to him.

AND ITS LIKE. They both believe they aren’t special to each other. But they want to be. Kou wants to be needed by mitsuba. Mitsuba wants kou to be his end. Like. Urgh. Do you get it.

The same way you would for anybody. Holding his hand and smiling because he knows kou is kind beyond his capabilities. And kou looks downright horrified that mitsuba thinks like that. That mitsuba thinks this isn’t different. But the thing is kou probably would do things like this for anybody. That’s true because he is far too kind beyond his capabilities. He makes promises he can’t keep, burns his hands for some semblance of the power to protect. But mitsuba is different and I can’t pin down the words to say exactly why but kou has become uniquely attached to him. He knows things about mitsuba that no one else does. And he consistently chooses to help mitsuba, specifically. Please understand.

[sunnnfish]

Forced myself to be normal for like 3 hours to do homework now im done. Time for the self indulgent hanzawa masato (sasaki to miyano) - teru minamoto (toilet bound hanako kun) comparison post. And what is this website if not for self indulgent blogging.

Surface level they both have that smile that doesn’t reach your eyes constant expression. In a very same sinister and mysterious way. I should get pictures

Also surface level they have very eccentric personal clothes they wear outside of their school uniforms. Both are top of the class and the golden perfect child who puts everything on their own shoulders in an effort to never burden anyone else. They make an effort to appear normal to everyone around them.

Narratively also serve quite similar purposes— the way they are introduced is very slowly. Teru is shown as this distant princely character and is slowly revealed to be an actual recurring character with far more depth and connection. He serves as a rather morally gray mentor figure with much more power and knowledge and internal world than he lets on. Hanzawa was introduced as a faceless disciplinary committee president, slowly being revealed to be a recurring important character with far more depth and connection. He serves as a mysterious mentor figure with much more going on than he lets on.

They both have rather .. contradictory moments. Riddled with impossibilities etc etc. like. That persistent smile and kind outward persona belies more ugly and complex emotions.

They both have an… odd relationship with a fellow club member in which said member perceives them as antagonistic but a friend nonetheless. Said friend also has moments of recognizing that there is much more going on underneath the surface.

+ gay siblings and a complicated relationship with love and a complicated relationship with siblings

[sunnnfish]

Thinking about how like the tbhk aquarium date and preceding chapters play so much with our preconceived notions and knowledge of the rules of the world. Like the chapter before the aquarium where it cliffhangers on mitsuba suddenly showing up at the minamoto house had so many people genuinely doubting it was mitsuba at all.

Because rules we’ve established is that the school mysteries can’t leave the school. Plus the fact that we’ve been faced with so many fake mitsubas through like the whole story—it’s a recurring concern to kou that he doesn’t know who the real mitsuba is. We also haven’t been shown the moment of their parting at the severence (glimpses but no dialogue or lead up) (and there’s still that ominous conversation kou had with natsuhiko about how people can become supernaturals) nor where mitsuba was during the severence at all. The only things we knew of mitsuba was the strange picture of the red house he had in his room and the fake visions the red house showed kou.

All of these things combined with the actual years of chapters without any real mitsuba in them has made us, the readers, doubt if he’s even real. Even during the aquarium date it’s still unclear if this is real because mitsuba, by all rules and expectations, shouldn’t be here. Also combined with the fact that the aquarium was actually an angler fish supernatural—animals infamous for luring it’s prey into traps—we are still left doubting if this mitsuba is even real.

[sunnnfish]

Tbhk chapter 100 rambling you know how it is.

Tbhk chapter 100 and wanting to die and wanting to live and wanting purpose and making plans and wanting connection. Mitsuba who says he has no connections no reason to want to stay around the near shore but Kou is right there and he’s selfish and he’s making mitsuba stay. And mitsuba doesn’t want anyone else to be his end. Do you get it. Fake challenges and fake promises because kou never promised to exorcise mitsuba and he never planned to. Mitsuba says he wants to die but he just. Doesn’t want to exist like this. But there is an acceptance and an understanding that wasn’t there before between them. The same light playfulness and teasing but a knowing of that odd awful truth. Parts of mitsuba he thought he could never bear to anyone, acknowledged with that innocuous “hey. i’m hungry.” Do you understand. And it’s achingly normal. Inviting your friend to the school festival. A festival sousuke probably never got to see. Having nights out and giving each other keychains and having silly competitions. Mitsuba wants to be normal. To be human. And in that pursuit it’s like he already is. Mitsuba wants so much. He wants to be—

And kou knows. He’s known every wish of mitsuba and sousuke and he’s had to reconcile it all every time. He wants to take a picture. He wants a friend. He wants to be human. He wants to be understood. He wants to die. He wants kou to exorcise him. He wants. Kou also wants. And it’s a competition of desire that’s constantly at a stalemate. So they just exist. And make plans. And live. However unfortunate that may feel. The school festival is right around the corner.

[sunnnfish]

MAN. Tbhk picture perfect arc. Reality and wishes and perfection. When does being real become more important that feeling right. Kou was almost ready to accept it because this was a world where he hadn’t failed mitsuba. But it’s not

real

Something would always be nagging in the backs of their minds that something isn’t right. Because it may be perfect but it’s not what they really want. And I wonder if mitsuba would ever forget that it’s fake. Nene and kou would— but he’s the main character. Would he always have to live with that. And he’d always live with that jealousy of the original mitsuba he’s pretending to be. And that’s why he breaks so easily when kou and nene start asking him about it.

But then hanako— he holds onto the illusion so tight. Nene tries everything and he never falters in front of her. His determination to keep her alive and his own disregard for his own happiness (—he never includes himself in her extended life—) gives him like this barrier. He knows he’s playing pretend. In a way that mitsuba doesn’t.

Anyways. I could go on a million tangents about picture perfect. Point is I love it.

[sunnnfish]

mentally unwell-ly thinking about aoi akane Orpheus Eurydice isms. Do you look back knowing it’s the last time you’ll see her. Do look back knowing it’ll doom her, just to make sure she’s there. Just to see her at least one last time. Do you look back if you know she won’t make it either way. Would you regret not looking if she wouldn’t make it either way. Punches the wall.

[sunnnfish]

Rereading the series and just noticed there’s a hand in the reflection of the knife here…