#sunnyrams

[ram-de]

serenity

this doesn't come often, so i couldn't risk savoring it without pouring some emotions into writing. hey. yeah. um. i feel so much at peace. it really fucks my mind how much anxiety and negative thoughts affect real-time decision making. but the few times i went through whatever is making me anxious, i felt so light. it's not as bad as it thought. i know, i'll probably forget about it the next time similiar occasion arises. so i'm writing it here. it's so nice to be at peace. with myself.

i attended another friend, from the same high school. she had her thesis defense just now. we took pictures, and talked (mostly the others and i'm just nodding like a fool, chirping in here and there). and then we went to eat. and even though it's so... well, i wouldn't say jealous, i'm not feeling bitter. i guess it's a peek into how a normal friendship looks like. last time i ate together (excluding my family) was like, what, two years ago? and it's just. man. if even just being able to experience it, as, well, a distant person, i just thought how cool it would be to experience it often.

no, no, i'm not, like, blaming it. not to anyone, not to myself. atleast not right now. it felt nice, you know? and i'm really glad i went out today. crazy how human interaction feel so pure at times. maybe that's so pathetic of me, but i don't know. i'm glad.

so before i spiraled into another self-loathing thoughts (which i hope DO NOT happens). let me... be. i also messaged the group telling them congrats and hopes and stuff. i sent it really quick before i overthought about it and chickened out. i figured. i... i guess it'd be my way of trying to convey what i couldn't say in person. and it's so nerve-wracking.

ok. that's it. quick end.

[ram-de]

rely on me

FIRST AND FOREMOST...

lemme say i am pretty proud of how today went. seems like it's going well, isn't it? a peek of how life would function normally when i get past the wall of the initial nervousness of doing anything, really. there's a lot of words to say that i'm happy for achieving something. because, well, it meant i could do stuff.

i discovered a term today. it's called self-reliance. and it's a wonderful, wonderful term. since i was initially debating (in my mind) about how i just lack the reassurance of things turning okay. how the thing i was nervous the most is the fact that i don't... i don't know how am i going to be doing in these kind of situation. but i did it. i can rely on myself, a bit. small things. and that makes me happy.

sure, there's a lot of things i'm still, struggling about. but ultimately i'm glad i walked a bit. progress.

there's a thought that glances over me when i attended the seminar of my friend just now. it's the rush of relief, feeling how... how freeing it is to do stuff. to prove my exaggerated thoughts and worriness wrong. and how i thought that i deserve a lot more than being enclosed in a false sense of comfort, of being alone, of being someone that think of himself so lowly it's making himself miserable. and how it made a big change on how being kind, including to myself, have an effect on me. because the reframing thing works. trying to change how i see things, rather in a bleak and harsh perspective but more compassionate and understanding...

the day turned out to be okay, isn't it?

:)

[ram-de]

joy

I'm happy.

That's it. That's the post. I wrote it first before I forget and before my mind is overtaken by other thoughts like worries and nervousness. I'm happy.

Met few of my high school friends who attended the same uni as mine. One of them finished defending his thesis, so... He's the first of the four of us! I think he's the coolest tbh. Cool. Very. We used to share a class in middle high. And even back then I thought of him as a very cool person. Smart and all. And now he's about to graduate...

Time is funny. With just how fast it seemed is. Until now, we haven't really talked or stayed in touch. Not me, but the other three probably do. I was a worrywart, an anxiety disaster and I stopped using Instagram since I'm too sad to see everything. I felt like I'm left behind. Coz I am. I felt small, and an afterthought. So I don't bother, though now I am indeed left behind. So, basically it's my fault I shut myself out.

But putting that aside. I'm happy. I was less anxious since I made sure to think of no expectations. I wished I could talk more, and be funny and like be someone who could be present in conversation. And I can spend hours wishing how I wanted not to be so awkward as a person. But at the end of the day, I think I walked a step. And I'm happy about that.

Maybe it's true that I'm so harsh on myself. Coz most of the time, people are kind. If there's one thing, I kind of want to attach a note and maybe just write something. I'm more confident pouring my thoughts and feelings over written text than verbal communication. I stutter and got shy a lot. But alas. Hopefully I could do some bouquets when they graduate? Would they... Would they want that? And am I allowed to do that? Coz I don't talk often through the years and it could be awkward...

That's for me to worry later. For now, I just wish I could. And if by then I grew a tree of courage that bore fruit for me to pick, then... Hopefully I'm brave enough to reach that.

It's just. Damn. What am I saying... I'm just grateful, I don't know what to say but it's warm and tingly and though I'm distant. Meeting them is a reminder that I used to spend some time with them. I look up to them. I adore them, ish, kinda. Maybe in a different timeline I could be more livelier, and maybe I could talk more. But I am what I am, and I'm here, aren't I?

I am getting sentimental. See? I went pass this. And the day isn't that bad with me around people. I missed being able to talk to people. Just about anything.

And now I'm at a park in the city. Hey.

---

Everything written below is all after I attended *The thing*

There's no expectations to be anyone but me. No expectations at all. So, face it, self. It's fine. It's going to be fine. They're good people. There's no expectation, just show up...

Grhhh.... Me and my reading comprehension and my assumption and ALL... Here is me, panicking. Fuck it I'll keysmash my nervousness HDHSBDBXUDBJEJSNSJSJS SJS+ZUEVEHHZJSJSJ VHGVSBSBSHAJKAHSHSHS

*** 10 minutes after ***

Okay. I think time heals all, including nervousness. Except this time, it's not healing but rather postponement! Because the other peeps are late. And here's the anxious me thinking they're probably talking on their own and discussing the new time and all. I don't know. Remember.

No expectations. What I'm doing is nothing, so it's okay. It's just gesture, that's all. Nothing important. Nothing... But what if I'm truly the one being left out from the convo? Or maybe they're already met up somewhere and they... Felt awkward around me so they don't want to spend time waiting with me to talk or stuff. Ugh... I'm reaching.

No expectations. Just breathe.

*** 20 minutes later ***

Fuck it's getting real. Ugh... Just walk... Just walk.... Whatever happens, no expectations. Don't. Don't run away. It's going to be okay.

I don't know that, but I know time passes and although it may seem like forever, it's not.

***

Even so, I felt so nervous and anxious and my heart beats. But it's fine. I promise. It's going to be. Ok.

[ram-de]

testament to life

seems like a pretty grand title to put, no? well it may be is. i've been stuck in my own mind. and though i don't know how to get out or move back to life's usual routine that i'm responsible to, i... i've been breathing.

i was looking at my old stuff, my old writings that i kept in a nice case in my shelf. there's paper and handwritings from my middle high and high school times, and though fundamentally i still am the anxious and negative self, i've thought about how... how inconsequential my problems were back then. but i wrote my thoughts with a lot of dramatic phrases i don't even understand back then.

my problems were stuff like having leg hair when my peers were smooth as butters, being a little more chubby than others, saying the wrong thing or embarassing myself by being the usual shy me. it seems so small right now, but back then, it's the world to me. and i was scared shitless.

one of my writings were about my grades. i was so hard on myself. i was this guy that's more confident on my academics in elementary, and i think my parents pampered me and said i'm smart and stuff. so when i'm in middle high and my grades took a dive, when i got three A- compared to my (back then rival, heavily delusional and one-sided on my part) classmates who got like 8 and 12 A's... I was CRUSHED... like. wow... hits me hard how maybe i wasn't what i thought.

then there's thoughts about having a crush. good lord i was so innocent, but not really. sure, i know i had a crush but i can't even do anything about it. i was the avoidance type, so all three times i had a crush on a guy i avoided them a lot. hurts still though, but i think that's for the best, really.

and what else, i even wrote mundane things like how's my day were. like, each school hours what i'm studying, and the so. it all seemed small. but guess i grew bigger. my body, and my mind too. and it's capacity to see life in a bigger frame, kinda.

that made me thought of perhaps, if i survived several years of myself, holding on a bit more, then by that time, i can see at the current me and see how my problems weren't the end of the world too. only if i survived, though, right? i thought about wanting to disappear and the so, but ultimately deep inside i just wanted to be happy like everybody else, i think. there needs to be adjustment, to the lens in which i saw how big my problems were. and that they're not always a grand wall that i can't go past them. okay?

hence, a testament to life.

[ram-de]

candlelit

never in years i'd be happy to feel awkwardness. what the hell, me. short story is. it's final weeks. let's ignore all the underlying problem like unmet assignments and other stuff.

there's this one class that had us form groups. it's not a mandatory class to take, but i took it because it fills up the required credits. i filled in my name in a random group for the conversational project. i know no one there. literal no one. and... i pushed my luck. and you know what... i couldn't care less😂

perhaps i am in the brink of insanity that a glimmer of life is making me all jittery. but screw it i'll take whatever crumbs... i am not unhinged i am just... i don't know how to pour it into words!!! i am a definitely not a nervous wreck of a train accelerating towards a dead end of a tunnel in a dark place and a loud noise and a steaming smoke coming out of the furnace. maybe a bit. but it doesn't matter...!

i've felt so distant from... everything. college-related. i've walked by my own simply because it's convenient and also because i suck at trying to reach out and maintain a proper connection. but. i don't actually hate like talking to people. it's the dread that i felt, the self-imposed pressure that i'm going to mess up, the expectations to be serving more into the interaction. i don't hate interacting... in fact, i like it. i like it, and it's being important enough for me to not wanting to mess up. but that instead turned into a bigger challenge because i ended up straying away from interacting exactly because i don't want to mess up. so i avoid any chances for encounter, so that i don't mess up. but then how can i actually interact that way?

it's funny how that works.

so... when i was forced, not exactly forced, when all the situation pushed me into putting myself into interaction... what else can i be except of being the same old me? i was nervous. i was scared of even texting in the group chat. like what the heck should i say. other members are texting back and forth. and i was like... this is... so... i am so screwed. ugh it's too late to send a message. i'm going to stand out. but i said fuck it. and then sent an introductory message, "hey, i'm [name] and i'm from [major] studies." or something like that.

and there i felt it. the... the very recognizable, familiar feeling. emotion. awkwardness. the heart beating, wondering how others will think of the message. the million second thoughts of doubting and all. the itchy self not knowing how to position myself. the dreadful silent reply (for a while, because they replied soon)weirdly, i let out a chuckle. a groan of something along ugh...! and. and it's so comforting.

it's so comforting. it really is. i missed a lot by being distant. i know. and i could never knew if i'd be out there one day. but it's so oddly. oddly endearing.

awkwardness. for me, it's a more gentle form of being anxious. rather than scolding me for messing up, being awkward is just. well. i guess, it just happen. cricket noises. but, as if whistling, it sizzles and slowly fades after a while. it's so endearing for me to feel awkward. because i haven't felt that. i've felt anxious, distant and so... not-me. like losing myself.

at least i can relate with how i used to be, how i always be, of being awkward. at least. i can feel like. maybe it's not bad. not everything is going to be. no promises though. i can always fall and heck maybe i'll take back my own words when stuff get heavier. but. it's so weird. i think i've wrote it in one of my entries back then. being awkward sort of... acts like it's a sign of being alive. and. maybe i needed that. a bit. for now.

-----------------------

EDIT. AS PER LITERALLY 30 MINUTES LATER.

i am eating my words. i am munching it right now. i am now crunching on all the bad and good parts of my words. i am now withering and fading away. yes. exactly. now, this. this, is anxiousness. there it is. it is not at all endearing. it is not at all comforting. it's demanding, it's paceful, it's pressuring. it's telling me to work. but my body couldn't move. only the thoughts eating me away in a dreadful silence.

no. this isn't about the group projects. it's for an entirely different the unmet assignment. the consequences has come to knock on my door. and one thing i am scared. no. AAHHHHH!!!!!!! stop. stop. it's not life threatening. it's not. i assure you, me. i mean, in the grand scheme of things, maybe. but does it cause me to bleed? no. does it causes me to feel like i'm in pain? emotionally, perhaps. does it literally threaten the physicality and the mortality of my being? no...? exactly. i mean, not really, but no. you're not going to... because of this.

it's exhausting. dealing with these. but people learn to live with it. maybe some heal. some deal with it less in a way that's more practical. i don't know how i'm dealing with it, if i'm doing that in the first place.

there's something in my brain that sort of understand the presence of consequences but couldn't properly wire up that and translate into urgency until it's too late. wow. fancy way to say i procrascinate. for things that matters. finding sleazy way out. thinking i'm going to be okay. in a way, true. but i can't deal with it forever like this. it's not going to be okay always. in a way, true also.

so what's the root of it? i've blamed distraction. i've blamed my environtment. i've blamed my social skills, or my lackthereof. what else...? what haven't i point out? me...? i point myself a lot. so what... what... i feel like it's so simple to get that answer out of me. so simple to connect the wires back where it shouldn't be. but i don't understand it. i don't understand why am i... so anxious. so... apathetic. sometime.

ah... i've deal with it. by what? delaying it one step further. i can't always rely on being pushed by external factors. the problem is inside me.

ahhh!!! everything is so confusing. not going to undermine the fact that i've accomplished sending a message to the group chat though. ha... i felt like screaming.

[ram-de]

exhalation

i feel like through books, i can slightly...? just slightly. not really sure eitherway. i feel like i can slightly understand myself better. i don't really know if it's i'm projecting myself but sometimes there's reflections about small things and stuff that made me feel like, "oh. i can relate to that." or "it's interesting that it's how it goes for other (fictional) people."

i used to think i was the blandest person ever with no personality or humor or character at all. just exist just because... and i had to live with that. but... i feel like that's just me being kind of harsh of myself. putting myself in direct comparison to others colorful and lively people among my surrounding. i still think of myself as boring. and that's more because i couldn't pinpoint what exactly to say. what to make situation fun. what to make other people comfortable. i struggle with making jokes. and i don't consider myself a funny person. why am i venting.

the thing is, i can be boring, i don't care. but i just thought maybe that's because i haven't really, experienced a lot. social-wise. it's a skill, right? communication. being social. like, maybe other people are better than it because they hone it a lot, so often it doesn't feel like it's something they need to practice on, because they're doing it in many occasion. what reading books have to do with me realizing i suck at socializing. um. i don't know my point!!! i don't have a point. i just thought it's nice that i feel like if someone asks me now, what are you interested in, i could confidently say... something like. oh i kind of like reading stories and listening to a music playlist other people have read after reading that book. like...??? i know, interest can change greatly with time.

it's so weird??!?!?!?! because i used to think of something very general, like, idk, listening to music, or, sleeping, and stop at that. promptly because i limited myself by the thoughts of i am a guy with no interest whatsoever and no personality. it legit made me think that maybe if i tried other things, perhaps some would be another or even a bigger interest...? it should be a common sense that if i don't try doing things then i wouldn't know of what actually made me happy, and i don't understand why i never thought of that before. it's so weird...

it makes me happy. ignoring other stuff that i haven't deal... coz i wrote a lot about sappy stuff a lot because that's the point of this blog. but... maybe serve this as once in a while reminder that i can feel happy too, self. and it happened more often than i thought. but just because i don't usually wrote it, i passed it as a rare occurence. forgetting how... refreshing and... light it is. i said ignoring but i kept thinking of but you're still a guy that can't talk with people, one that hasn't sorted out future plans, one that could barely work on his work, one that-...

but i shouldn't let life be about all that is heavy and burdensome (although it is), and i thought let me feel this one. it's a good morning. have a good day.

[ram-de]

prove me wrong

The one time I didn't brought my jacket to class, the sky is cloudy and possibly its going to rain by the time the class ended💀 and now I'm sweating because of the temperature difference between outside

---------------------------

i'm back from class. and after that, i did it. i met the lecturer. i talked with the lecturer. and i'm glad. i really am. it's like the biggest relief i ever felt from the past month. i. i'm happy.

the undergraduate thesis is one final thing, the final boss that i still struggle to even decide of a topic. after all, i'm still in the dark for my own future. but... i feel like i just made a big step. just meeting the professor and discussing about possibilities and stuff... and i'm being frank by not knowing much and other stuff... but it's like, that pushed me more and gave me a lot of insight by itself. i still have a title and topic to think of, but at least i can consult with the professor now. i feel like crying because it's such a small thing to finally be done with but... but i did it. and i'm glad. i really am. there's more things to face in the future, but i feel like at least this way, i stepped toward a goal. a purpose. and... and i don't know. i feel like i realized that i feel the most alive when i'm doing something, walking towards something, struggling but yet still going forward.

and... it felt good to prove myself wrong. my own worries, my own scaredness, my own thoughts. it feel so great. because i know that not every worries and every thoughts is ultimate. and what i need to do, is to prove myself wrong.

i did something and i'm glad. :)

[ram-de]

unknown

I'm scared. I thought it wouldn't be as nerve wrecking for the nth time this happened but I'm still scared. Walking amidst stares of people. Being awkward. Being such a coward... Ah

Whatever.

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edit as per. 15.31

i don't know if it's the side effects of having these kind of discussion and vents to a real people in-person and not to the void (which i'm doing now) but i feel somewhat more confident? and sure? as if i was given a push i needed for an uncertain thing that worried me. i had a consulting session with the college psychologist just now.

i'm not gonna lie, i still feel like i'm judged just because they're not much older than me, i think. and i feel so lame and weird sometimes but. it does help.

one thing that resounds true is that, when i can't solve a really difficult problem, isn't it time to ask for help? i learn and realize that i do tend not to rely on other. but... it does help. it's like given another perspective from another person that's not clouded by what i have right now.

i... i tend to blame the pandemic for it. but ultimately it's me. and. well, things happened. all of that happened already. not dwelling on the past too much, what can i do now instead? likewise, rather than worrying about the future too much that it took the focus of what i'm doing now, what can i do now instead?

i like psychologist. i think i understand that they won't directly tell me what to do. they just lead me to think by myself. but why is that so different than the one i do all this time? well, sometimes i've met a wall, and i just can't figure out how to go past it. they let me look at another possible path, perhaps.

you're so worried about the future, but how are you sure that your worries are going to happen? well. i don't know. exactly.

i'm only a single person, and going through life, facing the world and all it's challenges, i'm bound to get stuck and exhausted. and... and it's fine to seek help and ask for guidance, or perspective, or even ask around. it's fine. it really is.

it's not like all problems in my life is suddenly cleared and solved. heck even now i'm having doubts and another newfound worries to think. i still have this stiff, linear and a very near-sighted way of seeing things. the thing is, everyone's path is different. and mine isn't going to be linear as I see too. sometimes, there's going to be a branched path. maybe. i don't know. the thing about worries is still the same. i still have to actually face it. but the difference is, i feel a lil bit more confident with the push it gave me. in a way, my stubboress is being challenged. and i'm glad. and... i think it's true about the thing regarding how i see myself. i... i tend to undermine myself.

for now, i wanted to focus on this. just this. so let's do that? don't worry too much. speak. act. breathe.

...

:D