Out of ideas, Jake figures out the one way to let Becky know everything: he gets Clare to give Becky his journal.
January 7
School’s started up again and the halls are littered with a bunch of ignorant hockey players. I’m not sure why they had to come to Degrassi of all places, but their presence is not welcome. One of them has been hitting on Katie, my Katie. If they keep it up. I’m going to have to fight back.
January 10
Only a few more days into the semester and I’m already on the verge of suspension. This Dallas kid won’t leave Katie alone, and what’s worse is that she’s totally falling for his charm. And if I say anything to her, I’m being a jealous jerk. Okay, right Katie. Dallas is loving all of it, painting me out to be the bad guy. I don’t know how much of this I can take. I may have to enlist help from the master of revenge himself: Eli.
January 11
Final straw. Got into a fight today, two weeks detention, all thanks to some kid named Luke Baker. That guy has nothing to offer this school other than gay jokes and date rape. I tried to do the noble thing, let him know littering was bad, next thing I know, we’re both on the ground fighting. Eli pulled us apart and somehow got thrown into detention with the two of us. After school, I go check out the garden, my garden, and find out its been trashed, courtesy of the Ice Hounds. I’ll get them back for this.
January 15
Eli had a brilliant idea today. Luke hates me so much, but I can’t get close to him without the other Ass Clowns turning into his personal bodyguard. What better way to get back at him than to get under his sister, Becky Baker. I don’t know much about her, I’ve seen her around with Jenna every now and then and I know she’s been giving Eli grief over the school play. It’s a win win for the two of us. Rub it in Luke’s face that I’ve banged his sister, and perhaps this will get the Jesus freak off of Eli’s case. He doesn’t think I can do it, bet me $200. I’m no amateur, in case he didn’t know. Jake Martin always gets the girl. Katie can have her fun with Mike Dallas, my eyes are set on Becky Baker.
January 18
Less than a week in and I’ve already gotten Becky to agree to hang out with me. Granted, we’re doing charity work, but anything helps. I think Jenna put in a good word for me or something, or the Jake Martin charm must have worked because she’s falling for me, hook, line, and sinker. Apparently she’s a virgin or something, but I’ll give it a month, tops, before she’s begging me to have sex with her.
January 29
I’ve been eating lunch with Becky and Jenna for the past two weeks now, and I must say, it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. She’s definitely more of a challenge than I’d assumed, but its not too much to handle. Gotta like a girl who will stand by her convictions. Even though I don’t agree with her on most things, she does make me think, and I her. So many countless hours were spent debating religion and the girl at least knows what she’s talking about. Granted, I think it’s a load of crap, the bible, but if she’s going to defend herself, at least she’s got some basis for her arguments. Becky Baker is smarter than she looks, that’s for sure.
February 2
Eli officially gave me a time limit: before prom. I thought this wouldn’t take longer than a month, but we’re quickly approaching that one month mark. He says I’m going soft, taking too much time to get to know her, but he doesn’t understand how she works. It’s not like Katie, who couldn’t keep her hands to herself the minute we became official. Becky’s different. She’s calculated, and she makes you work for her. She takes pride in herself, and I guess she just needs to make sure you’re worth it before she gives you a chance. I know Luke hates seeing me with her, but there’s nothing he can do about it. I think Dallas has been hanging around Katie even more than usual, but I’ve all but given up on her. The feelings are gone, I got more excitement out of holding Becky’s hand today than I have in the past few weeks of kissing Katie. I just need to break up with her, sooner rather than later.
February 7
I saw a glimpse of Saint Becky coming undone tonight. Well, more than a glimpse, I saw all of her at once. I’m not sure how a few kisses turned in to me going down on her, but fuck, it was amazing. It’s weird, I’m sure I could have convinced her to go further, get it over with, win the bet and get out of there, but I couldn’t go through with it. Seeing Becky this way, writhing underneath me, her hands clutching at my hair, I craved more of her. If I got the bet over with, that would be the end of my time with Becky altogether. I’m not ready to give her up yet.
February 13
Rereading that last entry, I sound like a sap. Let’s get this straight: I do not have feelings for Becky. This is just for a bet, is all. Tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day and I found Becky the perfect gift. Flowers, of course, and a little JM pendant. Fitting for when I ask her to be my girlfriend. Nevermind that I haven’t gotten around to breaking up with Katie yet, a bit of a technicality. Its not like I got her anything, or she for me. It’s not even Valentine’s Day yet, and Becky got me flowers. Never in my life have I had a girl send me flowers, it was a nice surprise. She’s always catching me off guard, keeping me on my toes. I’ll make sure tomorrow’s the best Valentine’s Day yet.
February 15
Of course she said yes, I don’t know why I’d have any doubts. As I’ve said time and time again, Jake Martin gets the girl. I brought her over to my house, made her dinner, gave her the necklace and some flowers, the whole nine yards. She even got to meet my dad, something Katie had only gotten to do once or twice. My dad took an immediate liking to her, of course, how could he not? Her smile is infectious, its impossible to hate her. After dinner, we went up to my room and….cuddled. Jake Martin, a cuddler. Who would’ve known? Like I said, her smile is infectious, I can’t tell her no.
March 12
I think this may have been the longest I’ve gone without writing in this, my apologies. Eli has reminded me to keep the eyes on the prize, I’ve lost sight of my goal. It’s funny, the bet has been the last thing on my mind, though I’m sure I’ve had plenty of opportunities to seal the deal over the past few weeks, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I know what I’m supposed to do, and I’ve still got a month left. I don’t need him reminding me every chance he gets. Spring break is coming up soon. I can just bring her to my cabin and we’ll have our weekend of lovemaking. Sex. Not lovemaking. I’m not a middle-aged woman. There’s no love involved, it’s just sex, Jake. It’s just sex.
April 22
I’m a monster. I knew from the moment I laid down beside her, there was no going back. She trusted me, to love her, to not hurt her, and even as those words left my mouth, I knew I couldn’t let this continue. I do love her, I think I have for some time now, but I was too much of an asshole to let her go. The noble thing would have been to tell her the truth, tell her that this was supposed to be a bet, but I wouldn’t want our relationship to be based around that, but I couldn’t. I had sex with Becky, because I wanted to share that with her. It wasn’t just sex to me, though, I felt connected to her, something I’ve never felt before. I was too selfish to stop, because I wanted to hold on to that feeling for as long as possible. I have to tell her the truth, she has to know, or it will forever hang over my head for the rest of our lives. How do I even begin? Oh hey, I had sex with you for $200, don’t worry, I do care about you. And knowing Becky, she’d find it in her heart to forgive me, because that’s what God would want or something. Do I even deserve her forgiveness? In the beginning, I was so angry at her brother that it didn’t occur to me that we would be hurting a person. She might have been that asshole’s brother, but she had feelings, and I manipulated her into falling for me. Somewhere along the line, I lost sight of the bet, and it all became real to me, but that doesn’t change the fact that its all based on lies. Even if she got past all of that, I don’t deserve her. Fuck, if she gets past all of that, that’s proof enough that I don’t deserve her. I need her to hate me, I need her to never forgive me or want to talk to me again. I just hope that once its all over, she’s able to get past it, and find happiness with someone else. I hope I haven’t ruined her for anyone else.
April 30
I didn’t take the money. Even though I had won, I’ve never felt like more of a loser. I don’t know why I thought lying to her would make this any better. She needs to know the truth, I need her to know that at least the feelings were real. I just don’t need her to blame herself for any of this. I’m supposed to be having lunch with her in an hour…hopefully before then, I can figure out exactly how to explain it all to her in a way that makes sense.
