Something’s bothering me today, this is super long
My Granny called me a couple of days ago, and this is the first time that I had talked to her since she and my dad had gifted me and Nick some money on our anniversary. Apparently the purpose of the gift was so that Nick and I could take our honeymoon that we never had. Well, that’s not what it’s being used for - it’s being used to lower our debts - but that’s beside the point
So anyway Granny called me and the first thing she says is “so when are you and Nick going to take your honeymoooooooooooooooooon” and it really creeps me the fuck out and it’s really bothering me right now
You know what our “honeymoon” is going to be? Whenever we get around to it? We are going to the fucking Wizarding World and I’m gonna play the shit outta some Pokemon and I’m going to run around like a little kid in a candy shop taking pictures of every tiny little thing in the place and maybe we’ll even have friends with us. Does that sound like a honeymoon to you? What do you think of when you hear the word “honeymoon”? Because let me tell you what I think.
My mental image is something along the lines of a cottage by a beach, or a cabin in the mountains, or a fancy hotel, with fancy foods and sitting around doing nothing and oh, I guess sex. I guess that’s a pretty huge thing for people and what’s expected, right?
How about, no. How about you stop asking me about grandchildren. I don’t want kids, I have a pretty big aversion to children, pregnancy seems terrifying, I don’t even want to do the thing that creates babies in the first place. How about you stop telling me it’s not even a marriage. Making the commitment to be there for each other for the rest of our lives means nothing to you? So it doesn’t matter that he is ALWAYS there for me when I’m having a breakdown, or that I’m ALWAYS there to care for him when he’s sick, that we communicate with each other and make decisions together and share fun times as well as a whole shit ton of sad times together. This depression thing, I don’t know if this is ever going to go away for me. I can make the most of what I’ve been given and I know I will keep encountering difficult times with it and sometimes I just wake up and know it’s a bad day and you know what? He’s there for me. He’ll bring me food and water and clothes and he’ll help me get into the shower and he’ll get me outside into the sunlight and he’ll even do my freaking lotion for me if I’m that bad. That means nothing to you? We don’t have sex, so therefore our relationship isn’t valid? Some hard times never pass - it’s been how many years since his dad died and I’m still there for him on a regular basis to help him deal with his grief. Some things don’t go away. Would a “just friend” or best friend or what the fuck ever you want to call it, what other people out there are prepared to deal with that for years and years? I still cry over Gramps sometimes and I wouldn’t go to anyone else with that other than Nicholas. What other people are prepared to deal with his irresponsibility with money? Who else is going to ALWAYS listen to him go on and on and on and on and on about his hobbies (League, WoW, MtG, anything) every single day for sometimes months at a time, I mean these are things that are not present in “just friendships.” Or even when people are dating. Or really even when people are married
My mother is in an awful marriage. She hates her husband and still sleeps in the same bed as him. It seems like, according to some arbitrary rules or something, that her marriage is more valid than mine. At least they used to have sex, like, all the time, or something. That’s all they did for a while after they got married. That’s all everyone does for a while after they get married. Sure. And now it’s been five years and that new-ish feeling of their relationship is gone and now everything’s hell. The physical isn’t exciting anymore. Because that’s totally what a marriage needs to be based on.
If you want to have a relationship with someone where it’s all about the physical, fine. People do that. People do that and they don’t tie *forever* into it. It fizzles. And then people move on. That’s natural. You can’t have that feeling with someone for forever. My mom has been married FOUR TIMES. But my marriage is broken?
When my family was over on my anniversary my Granny kept saying things like “I can’t believe it’s already been five years! Wow five. Five five five five” and I’m just over here off to the side like, no, how do I correct her, how do I explain... TEN years. No. No no no not five. TEN.
Why do people make it seem like it’s nothing, the stuff you have before you get married? What about people that never get married? All it is is a certificate. And some tax stuff. That means nothing. To my Catholic grandmother, it is more than that, so I can better understand where she is coming from. There’s this whole God-as-witness thing. I wonder what she would say if I told her that we didn’t consummate for months. What then? Did our marriage not start until then? I don’t even know when that was. I can’t remember. I don’t even care.
Before the wedding, nothing was different than how it was after. After the wedding, nothing was different than how it was before. Before the wedding, he stayed up with me all night on the phone. Just to talk. Because we wished we could be next to each other. Or because I was crying. Because my parents were fighting. Because I couldn’t sleep from the stress. Did that stuff not count?
Well there’s some financial stuff that makes a marriage a marriage, you say? Okay. We lived together before we got married. We paid bills together. He supported me in college before we ever got married. That stuff doesn’t count, either?
As far as I’m concerned, we have been married for 6 months less than the time that it’s been since we started dating. Because that’s around the time that we talked about it and were both like yeah, we know, we’re in this for the long run.
When people ask how long I’ve been married, I’ve stopped responding with “5, but we’ve been together for 10.” I’m just answering “we’ve been together for 10.” Because five is a load of bullshit.
I don’t know why all this is coming out. I’ve been upset about this before, and probably will again in the future. Maybe it’s because I had to talk to my dad today and it just reminded me, in addition to seeing my mom yesterday and talking about her marriage, in addition to the day before talking to my grandmother and her pulling that “5 years” bullshit and creepily asking about our honeymoon (insinuating a sexual getaway let’s-make-a-baby kind of thing, no I’m not giving you great-grandchildren get over it). It just kinda. All added up. and here I am. Three days in a row of dealing with family.
I think the marriage thing as a whole needs to be completely ripped apart. The religious meaning of commitment needs to be separated from the governmental aspects of marriage. Christianity: you have sex with the permission of your god therefore you deserve a tax break! How does that make any sense? Say some friends who aren’t even interested in romance live together and they help each other out financially and support each other in times of need and share food and bills and depend on each other, say one of them ends up in the hospital. Another friend cannot be included in the process because they aren’t married. Even though they practically share every other aspect of “marriage,” they’re the go-to person. They should be able to claim joint on taxes I think
I mean that’s really the only thing that changed after getting married. We can claim joint. And I’m being added onto his health insurance now. If we weren’t recognized as married then that wouldn’t be able to happen and that would be crazy
Asexual relationships are valid. Aromantic relationships are valid. My relationship with Nicholas is a million times more than what my mom thinks is a valid, healthy marriage.
