The Little Engine
This little engine made it through chemo #12, the last weekly treatment, on October 12th. HOORAY! I will now go every 3 weeks and just receive the drug Herceptin.
Yes, it is a mile stone. And yes, it is something to celebrate.
And yet a large piece of me doesn’t feel like celebrating. It has been 11 days since treatment and I have found it challenging to decipher and to accurately articulate my feelings.
Is it that I don’t want to pause and highlight what I have been through. Maybe there is a piece of me that wants to forget and move on. To forge ahead full steam. To have this whole thing behind me. For this train to finally land on B when traveling from A.
Why celebrate something you’d rather not experience again? Followed by - Will I experience this again? Will I loose it if I stop and pause? Do I have the energy to do this? Will I be able to get back to where I was?
Disappointment and frustration are the only things that can stem from the magical thinking I have found myself in. The thoughts that I would feel fine. Maybe not great, but fine. The sick realization that I don’t feel healthy and energized each day I wake up is a sharp slap in the face. A tease...like the cancer is taunting you...looming over you.
I think I have reached a point where I am physically, emotionally, and mentally tired. Not pushed over the edge, but too close for comfort.
The “woe is me” mentality has never really jived with me and yet woe is me is sometimes where I stand. The sheer thought about complaining drives me nuts. I am tired of being honest and having to say I am not at my best. I am tired of trying to be what I am not when I am not at my best.
And this is the time when I want to get in my bed and pull the covers over and not come out...not for a while at least. And then I eventually say to myself, “get a grip, lady. It can always be worse.”
Maybe if I wasn’t with myself all the time I would be having more fun. That’s it! If I can figure out how to escape from myself then I could truly be free.
...woe is me.
Flipping to the positive side...
When I arrived home from chemo on Thursday, this beautiful and delicious gift basket was waiting for me. It came from not quite a stranger (my mom’s dear friend and colleague) who is also fighting Cancer. I am deeply touched by this gift and hope that I can reciprocate such kindness. Thank you, Dorothy. :)
The Sunday following chemo on October 15th, this little engine crazily decided it would be a good idea to run a 5K 3 days after 12 chemo sessions.
Well it wasn’t an entirely crazy thought...I run the Paddy’s Shillelagh Shuffle every year. My thought process really was that I didn’t want to miss out. Life keeps going on around you when you have cancer whether you like it or not, and I wanted to be a part of that life. And so I tried...
...and learned that I COULD run/walk a 5K. I made it about a mile before I had to take a quick break to walk it out. I completed my time in 29:32 which is about 5 minutes longer than my average run. It felt crappy the entire way but I am glad I kept going. It is still sad to think that approximately 5 months ago I could run an entire half marathon without stopping to walk once...life goals...
As many of you know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month (along with many other important causes) and I found pink/signs of support in the most unlikely places. Check out some of my most recent finds above and below....
More to come on my latest visit with my oncologist and plastic surgeon...
