#surpressedfeelings

[little-lost-poet]

Chain Of Mind

She could feel the goosebumps,

As if needles picked her skin,

That only happened when she felt like giving in.

She was drowning in her own mind,

But everything on the surface looked fine.

Fear,thrill,doubts became a chain and dragged her deeper into the sea,

She couldn't even scream let alone flee.

The suffocation was felt in her chest,

She wondered how can it be so heavy when it's non existent.

[innermirroroutershell]

Others over Self

I was talking with my therapist last week and she asked me if anyone has ever fully seen the entire “me”. I thought about it and the answer is no. Many have seen many things, but no one knows everything. I can’t say I would want to change that either.

I have to say I’m embarrassed because I thought I could be introspective enough to know what I struggle with. Deep within I’ve found that my demons are just deeper than I thought they were. In the end, I’m just like everyone else, not willing to bring them up and too ashamed to even speak them out loud. It’s like I’m afraid to look at myself in the mirror because I can’t control or predict what I’ll see. My true feelings and thoughts are deeply hidden because I put the feelings of others first. I do and say things that will please the people. I avoid conflict because I’m afraid of what others will think of me.

Why do I do it? I don’t want to hurt anyone, but the consequence is hurting myself. White lies, unspoken words, unresolved feelings. These wounds have festered in various forms over the years. I’m only now reliving some of the memories of a decade ago. In retrospect I feel so stupid for some of the things I’ve done, but I also feel I wish I could have lived a little more. Felt more real, more fulfilled. I desperately held onto things that were not there and I avoided things I detested. This bred a new type of stress and worry for me. I am naturally a “worry wart” and holding these things in makes it harder for me to let things go… one of the things I struggle with now.

Despite looking back, I do feel I am more raw and honest today. I don’t consider myself to be an “ex liar” or anything, but I am mostly honest. I can’t say I don’t hold back and play out the situation to my advantage. Something I am not proud of, but I feel in life you have to do that sometimes.

What do you think: Are you real and brutally honest 100% time in life? If not, when do you restrain your own feelings and why?