#people pleasing

[help-my-relationship]

I (24F) don't know how to advise my best friend (27F) anymore. Do I tell her what I feel or do I approach it in a different way?

Me and my best friend have been friends for more or less 10 years, we got super close 4 years ago and basically navigated our 20s together. This year was pretty heavy for the both of us, she got out of a bad relationship and is under a lot of stress at work and I'm navigating through enormous amounts of chronic pain after losing my job at the beginning of the year because of it, without even knowing what might be causing all of this.

We both are a mess emotionally, but I tend to be very closed off with my feelings, or if I decide to talk about my things I do so and then kind of change topic after a while because I know that there's just so much I can talk about this without it being heavy for everyone involved. I might be too avoidant on my feelings, but that's another issue I need to sort out.

Navigating chronic pain and the possibility of it being hEDS after 4.5 years of constant problems is taking a big toll on my mental health, I am currently all the time in my house and I have no friends or connections besides my partner and two friends, one of which is my best friend (long distance as well).

I enjoy talking to her, she's funny, she has a nice sense of humor, I love hanging out with her whenever I can travel to where she is, I like just generally chatting with her about anything because she's a pleasant person, but in the last couple of months I do think that I had to step back from the relationship quite a lot because about 80% of the time we talked it would turn into her venting about her problems.

And I'm not talking "I feel bad, lonely", rather 4 minutes voice messages, sometimes three or four wall of texts of just her venting about the same topics over and over again. Her job, her ex, her situationship, her feeling lonely and the fact that she feels stuck and that she doesn't get along with anyone.

I am in no way trying to shame her, I just don't know how to console her anymore. I don't know what else to say. I advised her to go to therapy, at least try it out, so she got an appointment but then cancelled it because she said she is scared of talking about her problems. I don't know what to do anymore, genuinely. I am stressed as I am with my own issues, navigating through heavy body pain all the time and I just can't be there for her as much as she needs me to.

Yesterday I was breaking down crying because of my pain, I went to the doctor, then texted her sarcastically about how I'm spending all my savings on doctors and a sticker, you know trying to laugh a little and I got hit by other voice messages about her crying, she vented again about her problems. I told her I was sorry for what she was going through, I listened to the voice messages, but I just couldn't reply after a little while. I do want to help her and I do feel sorry, but at the same time I don't think I can right now and I feel really awful and guilty about it. If I weren't in so much pain all the time I could be there for her.

I'm scared that if I tell her what I feel she might just close herself in her feelings and then start to implode. But it's come to a point in which I'm a bit overwhelmed in talking to her. What would be the best approach to this?

If you can't say "hey, I texted you because I need support right now. Can you do that or not?" or "girl, I love you, but you've been a constant pessimist the past few months and every conversation we have has been about me supporting you. I love you, but if you don't do something to help yourself, it's going to destroy our friendship" - are you even friends?

[thepeacefulgarden]

[industrialstate]

I don't really need to go over the way that when you're recovering from fawning or people pleasing tendencies, the process of learning how to draw boundaries can cause some cruel and off-putting behaviours - this has been discussed a lot. having got that out of the way:

experiencing irritation or second-hand embarrassment can feel very dangerous, and there are really good reasons for this, especially if you were bullied for being annoying and cringe, but it's not real! you will not be tainted by association, and even if you are you will live, so it's important to be polite and kind to these people because it costs you nothing. you can learn gentle ways to redirect conversations, to encourage people to talk more quietly, to extricate yourself from people who can't take a hint.

this is not about being a pushover, because you don't have to do this with people who are cruel to you or are trying to make you feel small or scared or useless or anything like that. but you're going to be drawing your boundaries somewhere, and like. I just don't think it's reasonable to treat people who annoy you as dangerous, and I think you should be nice to people who aren't dangerous to you even if it feels like a chore, yknow?

[help-my-relationship]

My girlfriend (38F) says my (30M) temper is too much for her

A little background: I have ADHD and have struggled with anxiety, depression, past trauma, and anger. I've been in therapy for a little over a year and have made a lot of progress. More recently, I've started focusing specifically on my temper because I know it's something I need to improve. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 9 months, and it's the healthiest relationship I've ever had. We rarely argue and genuinely enjoy spending time together. Recently, though, she told me my temper has become too much for her. She said I get angry over things that aren't a big deal and she's worried her friends will see that side of me. The biggest example was a camping trip. We joined her friends and another group she had already warned me wasn't great. During a game of beer pong, several people, including one of her own friends, kept talking down to her, criticizing her, and giving unsolicited advice. Watching that made me really angry. Instead of confronting anyone, I removed myself and went to the tent to cool off. My girlfriend checked on me, and I told her I was trying not to snap at anyone. Later, as we were leaving for a walk, I did make a passive-aggressive comment toward one of the people who had been treating her poorly. (Not a good look I know) That night, the other group stayed up loudly until 4:30 a.m., and none of us got any sleep. Several people in our group were frustrated, and another couple even decided to leave because of them. My girlfriend and I also chose to head home that evening. The next morning, she told me my temper was becoming a serious issue for her. I initially defended myself because I felt my anger was justified because these people were rude and disrespectful to both of us. She also brought up other situations from weeks earlier where my reactions and the way I spoke to her had bothered her, which surprised me because she hadn't mentioned them at the time. I'm taking what she said seriously. I don't want my anger to damage an otherwise great relationship. I'm continuing therapy and am considering medication, seeing a psychiatrist, meditation, and mindfulness. For anyone, especially ADHD or neurodivergent people, who's struggled with anger or emotional regulation, what actually helped you?

The examples you gave sound less like you have a temper and more like your girlfriend - and her entire friend group - has a people pleasing problem. Why in the world are these people inviting an entire group of people that they don't like, don't get along with, are mean to them, and are generally so awful to be around that they tend to put an end to events??? That's fucking ridiculous. The ridiculous expectation where was that you - or your girlfriend - should hold their tongue at being mistreated. Healthy communication means sometimes having awkward conversations like "hey, that hurts my feelings, please stop" or "it's fucking 5 am, you need to go the hell to bed, jesus fucking christ, we're not 15 anymore".

[taichoushadow]

I thought I stopped people pleasing until I realized today I'm so deep into that, that I can't even tell the truth to a simple yes or no question. Only because I know they won't like the answer to it.

[kellymagovern]

[x]

[li-nox]

So everyone: any (solid) ideas how to stop ‘people pleasing’? Or rather, a people pleaser’s thinking?^^" Like, it’s clear in theory, but in reality? Not so much. [“And then I’ll say HOW!?”] Especially when it colides w/ my genuin attempts to be open-minded and to show interest.