#susitse.art

[susitseart]

Complicated.

What a great word to describe it.

How different it’s to be kind to others. How difficult it’s to be kind to myself.

In our lives, we can be very proud of our kindness. About how undeniably good and polite we can be.

About how we can give something of ourselves to others. Be it our time or energy. About how we can say to others the words that the other wants or needs to hear. Be it our kind words or forgiveness.

All this and more. Without sparing ourselves.

This makes us good, we think. Worth of something. For once, being like this made us the best, most obedient and kindest children in the world.

This is what we still want to believe. That being this way, we are truly kind.

Therefore, when asked if we should be kind to others, we know how to answer. Without hesitation, being more sure than from anything else, that of course we should.

We must. For how self-centered would we be otherwise?

But if we were asked if we should be kind to ourselves.

What would we answer?

We would like to say that of course we should, because we know. We know that we are no different from those to whom we give our all. We know that we too deserve everything good. We know we truly are worth it all.

We know the answer. But we can't say it.

We can't. For how self-centered would we be otherwise?

This thought is eating us. For deep in our hearts, beyond the reach of our reason, we feel differently. We feel that love and appreciation are not for us. Not in the same way as to others.

And we can't always even explain why.

That's why one word is enough to answer.

Complicated.

For words like difficult and different alone are not enough to describe it.

How complicated it's to try to tell how we know by reason that we should love ourselves. How complicated it's to try to tell how we can't because we hate ourselves so much for no reason.

So very complicated.

In giving this answer, we hope it's enough to spare us.

Still hoping that the other understands what we mean by it.

Do you also find loving yourself complicated?

[susitseart]

In return.

For your friendship.

That's what I must be. As good friend as you are.

Otherwise I'll never be worth of you.

You, who deserves all the best in the world.

Darkness has always been a part of our existence. We born from dark to dark, to find our place in this world. To look for the glimmer of light that would make life worth all of our searching.

We went to do this alone. And eventually some of us were lucky enough to find it.

Our own way and reason to be happy.

Someone other who was searching too.

A friend.

The other who became so dear to us and to whom we grow so dear. The other, in whose light the world wasn't so dark and lonely anymore.

In the glow of that other, we were happy. For a friend was healing some part of us that somehow felt sore and numb at the same time.

But it's possible that one day the glimmer of the other starts to feel too much. Too bright. Too beautiful. Something we cannot be worthy of.

Not someone like us. Who deep down feel so permanently broken.

Too broken. And as too broken, we don't know how to be there for the other as we should.

We can't find words of comfort to the other when the other needs it. We cannot bear part of the other's pain, for it mixes too much with our own pain.

We can barely breathe. How could we be something to someone who is more precious to us than anything?

That's why we may retreat back into the dark. To the place where we belong.

We may spend a moment or an eternity there. We don't know and we don't care. It's all just so comforting and safe.

While we're there, our friend can find something better than us. While we are there, at least we are not a burden to those we love.

It doesn't matter if we'd disappear for good.

And yet, our friend comes to find us. Shining brighter than ever.

Saying they wants to be our friend. No matter how broken we are.

That's our friend. Wanting to give us everything, even though we ourselves can give nothing in return.

How could one bear such a debt of gratitude?

- - -

Do you know this debt of friendship?

[susitseart]

Blink of an eye.

Equal with lifetime.

(See and read all!)

It all goes by so fast.

That’s why I’m scared to blink again.

Time. It doesn’t mean anything. Or we can’t really know if it means anything. For time is something that our predecessors have defined sometime long ago. A long time ago, when the idea of everything being metrizable was recognized.

And that’s how we’ve come to know time. Countable seconds or decades. But before as an attribute that shows the limitation of life. Of how everything goes forward. Regardless of what we want.

How one day we’re here and one day we will be gone.

But accepting this law of nature is perhaps not the worst or scariest thing. No. It’s how quickly everything moves forward.

Everything. We and our lives as well.

Like in the blink of an eye. Therefore, the blink of an eye is equal to the length of a lifetime.

It’s not long since we were born here. Innocent, albeit against our will.

It’s not long since we were children without worries.

It’s not long since we were happy. It’s not long since we were hurt.

And today. In this moment, we are what time and life have made us.

It may be that we only realize it now. What we have become.

What about in the future? What will we be tomorrow or years from now? None of us can know that. But each of us will find out soon enough. Perhaps sooner than we would like.

That’s why, maybe one day in the future, we will wake up again. To see how the weeks and years have passed us by again. To how life and time have changed us again.

That’s when, again, we start counting. On how much time we still have left.

That’s why I wish. Oh, how I wish.nThat I could prevent my eyes ever blinking again.

It doesn’t matter if it hurts. It doesn’t matter if I have to beg time for mercy.

Because I want to see every moment of my short life.

Both happy and painful.

Because deep down I’m scared. Of where and what kind of I’ll find myself next time.

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Are you scared of how fast time goes by?

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I'm scared. Not often, because in every way I fight to be able to live in the moment. But still, from time to time I wake up to see it. To notice where time and life have brought me. To worry about whether I have lived my short life as fully as I should have. To Regret knowing that I have not.

That's why I hope time would give me and others like me some mercy. So that we could enjoy time and the moments it brings along with everything else we’re dealing with. Along with everything else we have to survive in our lives.

Because many of us are just trying to survive. About how we may have been bound in the name of love sometime long ago. About how we might have been hurt sometime long ago. From all of this we still carry the darkness and the scars that still keep consuming us.

In those moments of being bound or in pain, I, and I'm sure many others, wished that time would just pass. Go by quickly.

To end.

So that we would end too. So that we wouldn’t need to suffer a moment longer.

When we needed it the most. Or now when we need. That's when time seems to pass slower than ever.

It feels that way. But in reality, even in these moments, time passes just as quickly as before.

And that's what's so comforting, in our darkest moments. How limited our time here is after all. The way everything ends. Everything. Even our pain. One way or another. Whether we in the moment believe it or not.

With this comforting thought, we can find the strength to live our lives. To find those moments of happiness between our moments of pain. When we again want to beg for time to slow down.

So we could see all the small and big miracles that life has meant for us.

[susitseart]

Yearning. Back to the childhood.

To the years when this time brought magic to our hearts.

Another year has passed, and we return to this moment. To this time which should be the most magical time of the year.

Should be. Because we found this special happiness sometime long ago.

We get to know this certain magic. This certain excitement and warmth. This certain joy that only this time of year was capable to bring us.

We knew this magic. At a time when the snow fell on us more beautiful and whiter than ever.

When we still looked at the world through children eyes.

Yes, should be. And that's why this special time of year may awake in us a lot of wishes. Expectations. About what we should feel. About what we want to feel. Because this special time of the year must feel like something. Without it it's not special nor magical. Just another gray day among all the other gray days.

Therefore, we may try to prepare ourselves for this special time. Perhaps by making it similar to what it once was a long time ago. Perhaps by just making it as happy as we can. But still dreaming and searching for that specific magic. Searching. Because we realize that at some point we lost that magic we once found.

We dream. We search.

Desiring to feel that magic once more as only a child can.

But dreaming and searching are not always able to refute the truth or reality. The fact that we have come a long way from those years of carelessness and lightness. The fact that the present is so very, very gray. Filled with worries, sorrows and burdens.

It stings. It hurts. When we understand the truth.

That in the end, we only have this painful present. This moment.

When past comes back no more.

It doesn't mean that we who have lost our childlike joy will never be happy. No. We just have to keep searching and look for something else.

Look for our own magic. Which would make the world even in this special time, even for a moment, a little bit happier place.

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Do you also miss that magical joy of childhood?

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I miss it. At least once in a while. Anytime of the year when I feel like I can't be an adult in the right way. Not as happy as I imagined I would be after I've grown up.

But especially at Holidays, these feelings are accentuated. Because this time of year used to be the most magical of all. A time when the joy of childhood was perhaps at its greatest.

I'm not saying that everyone's childhood was the happiest. It wasn't for me either. But the joy and wonder at everything during that the time of childhood is something that was already like magic in itself.

But at some point it disappeared. When the pains and responsibilities of growing up took their place. Sorrows, from the wrong side of childhood or as if out of nowhere. And then, and because of that, there was no time to rejoice, so to speak, for nothing. When we learned to see in our sadness everything in the world why we have no any reason to rejoice.

That's why the joy of childhood can be hard to achieve. That's why we shouldn't be so disappointed when we notice that the joy of childhood is already far behind us. Because we are not alone in this feeling.

Many others are also alone with their adulthood. Without the ability to find happiness in the midst of sorrows.

That's why we could perhaps remember our childhood with warmth, without expectations that everything should be the way it was before.

Therefore, we could try to accept, especially this particular time, as just one period among others. Not in the same magical way as before. But at a time when we might get something good. Maybe our meal will be tastier for a moment. Maybe everything will be more beautiful for a moment. Maybe we get to spend some time with our loved ones.

Maybe we'll have everything just fine for a moment. As fine as we can have.

It's okay that we can't be happier than we are. It's enough that we try to get out of this time, and all other days, the moments of happiness that we only get. Even about small things. Because that's enough.

Because happy moments are not taken for granted. That's why we have to embrace every moment of happiness we get.

Happy and peaceful Holidays to everyone 🐺🌲❤️ I hope you have been well.

[susitseart]

Tear apart.

Into small pieces.

Or it seems like your intention, my dear life.

But blaming life alone is not fair. Because we are the ones who often push ourselves to our limits.

Of course, there are many needs in our lives that strive us forward. We need livinghood to feed ourselves and our families. Willingness to fight, to survive in the cruel race of life.

These reasons are easy to explain. But beyond that, we may also want something else. We may crave acceptance and love. From ourselves and from others.

And those can feel like something we need to earn.

That's why we either give our everything. Or if we can't, we would rather not give anything. Because who would love someone who isn't good enough?

That's why we push ourselves to our limits. That's why we create a pack of faceless beasts for ourselves.

To tear us apart. Little by little.

And it may be a long time before we realize how torn we really are. How much tearing hurts us. For we, who want to always do our best, want to deny the shame of our pain and exhaustion until our last breath.

Never mind about pain or exhaustion. Because we are happy. And above all, grateful. For everything we've achieved. And we must be worthy of all that we have achieved.

That's why we endure. That's why we do better and more.

Until the thought of being torn apart. About ending the pain and getting out might start to feel like a comforting thought.

That's why. Before that point. We should stop.

To stop, and forget our doing just for the sake of better and more. And instead, we should remember where we started everything. That what's really important to us.

This way we can begin to seek our balance. Our balance where we're not giving up anything. But where we live a life where both performance and rest support each other.

After which the faceless beasts won't bite us so bad anymore.

It all starts from stopping.

It can be difficult.

But still, it's vital to us.

Are you being torn apart too?

I am, too often. And I'm looking for a balance. And I hope I'll find it someday.

[susitseart]

Hey so I recently bought a chunk of stickers and a print off your Etsy and I went back to shop again and everything’s gone. 1 are you okay? And 2 where can I get more of your art?

Hello and thanks for your message ❤️ my shop is only open 3-4 times in a year (since I’m running my shop all by myself), and actually my shop will open again later this week! Please follow my IG or Etsy to be on map about the latest shop news!

Also thank you for asking, I’m doing okay! Bit tired sometimes, but mostly I’m fine 🐺❤️ I hope you’re doing well too!

[feral-incision]

Pressure. Who's leading you?

Susitse.art - Essi Välimäki

[mylittleyuna]

Artist: Susitse.art on Instagram