Susitse.art

• Illustrator|Comic artist|🇫🇮 • •Animals|Horror|Mental health• • • LINKS • • •

[susitseart]

Better.

So that your warmth wouldn't make me weak.

So that I could be as cold as the world itself.

This is a story for a sensitive heart. Yours or mine. For anyone for whom a sensitive heart is a burden. For us, for whom the difference between warmth and cold is too much.

Heart. You bloom beautifully in my chest, creating life in me. Your tears water my blossoms. You make my hopes and dreams fly as far and free as birds.

You bring me this one of a kind happiness and sadness. You are this beautiful paradise in me. A unique miracle inside each of us.

I love you, my heart. So listen carefully.

I don't want you.

I don't need you.

It would be better if you were destroyed.

You flinch at these words, sensitive as you are. Even this cruelty of mine is enough to hurt you, because you know we do need each other. But I don't care. Because in your naive credulity and belief in something better, you refuse to see what the world really is like.

I can tell you.

The world is cold and cruel machinery, and we are born to be parts of it. Here we are taught that there is no room or time for selfish sensitivity or feelings. Here we are taught responsibility for results and to tirelessly keep going.

It's difficult to fight this cold machinery. So difficult.

And then you come to me without asking. Forcing me to feel feelings that I don't want or have time to feel or explore.

I don't want to feel the happiness or sadness that you bring to me. Happiness that I did not deserve in the first place can be taken from me. Sadness makes me weak, and only the weak parts break under the sorrow.

I don't want or need you to make things more complicated in this complicated world. That's why, in order to survive and function, I have to remove my warmth. To become as cold as the world itself.

It hurts so much less this way.

That's why it's better for me to destroy you. By suppressing my feelings. By suppressing you, my dear heart.

Better.

So that we can no longer hurt each other.

Do you sometimes wish you could destroy your feelings, to feel nothing?

[susitseart]

Déjà vu.

This has happened before.

This what you do to me. This what I let happen to me.

Over and over again.

Because this is love, isn't it?

We can become so very important to each other. We to someone else. Someone else to us. So important that the other becomes the only one for us. The only one we want to keep forever.

There is nothing stronger or more beautiful than this. Not in our eyes, for whom love is everything.

That is why a chain forms between us. A chain to bind us together with love. That unites us with one common heart.

This chain we free beings choose to wear. If it only means that we get to be together with the one we love.

But what if one day the chain becomes very heavy to bear? When the other end of the chain becomes angry. When that other, who is so dear to us, chooses to hurt us.

Who cares? Mistakes happen.

For however, that other apologizes to us. Tells us they didn't mean it.

We know that. We know, because everyone makes mistakes. We may cry, discuss and make promises. That's why we say everything is okay.

What does this one time matter?

Or second time.

The third time.

The fourth time.

Who cares how many times we are hurt.

After all, our loved one apologizes to us. After all, there's this chain between us.

A sign that we love each other.

But even if we, blinded by love, can't see it, that love between us gets tarnished. Tarnished and rotten. Every time we are hurt. Because beyond our blindness, there is still this part of ourselves that loves ourselves. Part that knows that in this life, we ​​deserve only the best. Not pain disguised as love.

The love between us is tarnished. Crumbling. Until, hopefully, it breaks.

It must break. Before it's too late.

But all this pain for nothing. If only we had known that the chain doesn’t have to get tarnished and rotten first. It doesn't, because the chain can be broken at any time we want. Any time. When we are no longer good for each other.

It may be the scariest thing we ever do. But the chain can be broken.

So don’t let déjà vu happen to you.

Don’t.

Is déjà vu real to you?

[susitseart]

Our Heart.

Made of us.

Together, it’s whole. And so are we.

Separated, it’s broken. And we are nothing.

Only love can form this heart. A love that can exist in many forms for us. As platonic or romantic. As lighter or deeper.

But maybe we’re talking about true love, when the soul of another touches our soul. When our soul touches the soul of another.

This mutual touch implies unconditional understanding and acceptance. A sense of affection and belonging. A shared wish that this lonely world wouldn’t be so lonely for us anymore.

And when our souls accept each other as their own, something wondrous happens.

The other becomes our counterpart. Another side of ourselves.

Vital to us. Or so we are willing to swear. For one’s bliss is our bliss, and one’s pain is our pain.

It makes us whole. Makes our heart whole. When we are together with the one we love.

But once a heart is formed, it can also get broken.

The halves of the heart can grow apart. The halves of the heart can betray each other. The halves of the heart can realize that this heart should never have existed.

When one half of the heart hurts the other, the heart becomes cracked.

When the heart becomes cracked enough, it breaks.

And then there’s heart no more.

That’s when our soul also detaches from the other’s soul. It can hurt us deeply. Even somehow permanently.

It may be the worst pain we ever feel.

But sometimes it can be good. Sometimes growing apart or being torn apart is good. It’s good, if we need it. If sharing a common heart with another has become toxic for us.

It’s true that when this happens, we drift back into lonely darkness. It’s true that maybe the fear of the dark has held our broken, toxic hearts together for too long.

But after all, we are lucky. Lucky because nothing in our lifetime is final. Not even the darkness or pain.

Everything is temporary. We as well.

That is why we are lucky if we love, or ever have been able to love.

It may be the most wondrous thing we can ever experience.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Is your heart whole or broken?

- - - - - - - - - - -

Right now, my heart is whole. Maybe a little cracked here and there, because many years have passed. But whole and strong nonetheless.�

Love means a lot to me. The fact that my soul can and is able to connect with someone else's soul feels more than I dared to hope for in this lonely world. Almost like a privilege. Because so many are alone in this world.

Love is like a blessing and a curse. I know it's not for everyone, and it doesn't have to be.

The main thing is that each of us strives to be as happy as possible in our own way.

That's why I hope that all those who long for love in this lonely world will eventually find someone to share their soul with and form a common heart with.

Also. A few more thoughts on a broken heart.�

If my heart, our heart, was torn in two for some reason, I would be scared. Of course I would, after so many years. I would be lost and desperate for a long time.

But while writing this story, I realized that despite the pain, I might make it. Eventually.

Even though my heart is strong and whole right now, it feels comforting to know that even the worst wouldn't be the end of the world. It wouldn't be. Because few things are the actual end of the world, even if it often feels like it.

We will make it. Because we are often stronger than we can imagine.

We'll be fine. Whether our hearts are whole, in danger of breaking, or broken.

Happy Valentine's Day friends ❤ I wanted to post these little Patreon illustrations for you as a gift today. It's a privilege to have you here with me. More times than you know, you have taken away my loneliness and given my life a purpose. And for that I am very grateful.

I hope that this and each day has been great for you 🐺💜

[susitseart]

Sabotage.

It weighs me down. Hurting and making me numb.

It thinks I deserve this and there's nothing else to come.

It. Which is me.

Inside our shell, each of us has a place of our own. The place where the essence of our deepest self lives.

Through this place, we observe the world. In there, we live with ourselves. With our given responsibility to live as free and happy as we ever can.

Responsibility for freedom and happiness. When thinking about it, it sounds scary. For so many before us has searched for those two greatest treasures, never finding them. So many have perished in the search for them.

A thought may creep into our minds; why would we be any different?

Fear of that responsibility can change our inner world. Turn it into a white void. Where we can walk for miles without moving an inch. Where we can cry for help without anyone hearing.

In the whiteness of that void, something dark can appear.

It weighs us down. It poisons our veins, making us numb. It pierces our heart, making us bleed. It whispers that there is nothing better for someone like us.

Ever.

But that's not the worst. Not numbness nor pain. Not these prophecies from evil. No.

The worst thing is that we believe that everything.

How could we not believe?

Because this something is us.

We, who do all this damage to ourselves.

It's like an invisible crime. This sabotage against us. For us, who were meant to live free and happy.

When we ourselves deprive ourselves of our self-esteem and hope.

But neither mercy nor punishment has been given. For this crime exists only for us. For we ourselves are the criminals and victims.

But if we could see through our pain and numbness. Even for a moment. Could there be anything better for us? If with everything there's still left in us, we dare to hope.

Possibly.

If only we realize that we are also the witness of this crime. Witness and defender. Defender and judge.

The only one who can to save ourselves from ourselves.

Are you sabotaging yourself too?

[susitseart]

Complicated.

What a great word to describe it.

How different it’s to be kind to others. How difficult it’s to be kind to myself.

In our lives, we can be very proud of our kindness. About how undeniably good and polite we can be.

About how we can give something of ourselves to others. Be it our time or energy. About how we can say to others the words that the other wants or needs to hear. Be it our kind words or forgiveness.

All this and more. Without sparing ourselves.

This makes us good, we think. Worth of something. For once, being like this made us the best, most obedient and kindest children in the world.

This is what we still want to believe. That being this way, we are truly kind.

Therefore, when asked if we should be kind to others, we know how to answer. Without hesitation, being more sure than from anything else, that of course we should.

We must. For how self-centered would we be otherwise?

But if we were asked if we should be kind to ourselves.

What would we answer?

We would like to say that of course we should, because we know. We know that we are no different from those to whom we give our all. We know that we too deserve everything good. We know we truly are worth it all.

We know the answer. But we can't say it.

We can't. For how self-centered would we be otherwise?

This thought is eating us. For deep in our hearts, beyond the reach of our reason, we feel differently. We feel that love and appreciation are not for us. Not in the same way as to others.

And we can't always even explain why.

That's why one word is enough to answer.

Complicated.

For words like difficult and different alone are not enough to describe it.

How complicated it's to try to tell how we know by reason that we should love ourselves. How complicated it's to try to tell how we can't because we hate ourselves so much for no reason.

So very complicated.

In giving this answer, we hope it's enough to spare us.

Still hoping that the other understands what we mean by it.

Do you also find loving yourself complicated?

[susitseart]

I just want you to know ive followed you one different medias. Your art is amazing and i love how much feeling it gives. It really does encapsulate the rough feelings there are in relationships both within yourself and others. Its beautiful and i hope you continue creating for as long as its good for you.

Thank you so much for your kind words ❤️ I truly try to put all my heart and soul to my each piece. I do this to feel less alone, and to hopefully make someone else less alone too. I will continue this journey as long as I can!

[susitseart]

In return.

For your friendship.

That's what I must be. As good friend as you are.

Otherwise I'll never be worth of you.

You, who deserves all the best in the world.

Darkness has always been a part of our existence. We born from dark to dark, to find our place in this world. To look for the glimmer of light that would make life worth all of our searching.

We went to do this alone. And eventually some of us were lucky enough to find it.

Our own way and reason to be happy.

Someone other who was searching too.

A friend.

The other who became so dear to us and to whom we grow so dear. The other, in whose light the world wasn't so dark and lonely anymore.

In the glow of that other, we were happy. For a friend was healing some part of us that somehow felt sore and numb at the same time.

But it's possible that one day the glimmer of the other starts to feel too much. Too bright. Too beautiful. Something we cannot be worthy of.

Not someone like us. Who deep down feel so permanently broken.

Too broken. And as too broken, we don't know how to be there for the other as we should.

We can't find words of comfort to the other when the other needs it. We cannot bear part of the other's pain, for it mixes too much with our own pain.

We can barely breathe. How could we be something to someone who is more precious to us than anything?

That's why we may retreat back into the dark. To the place where we belong.

We may spend a moment or an eternity there. We don't know and we don't care. It's all just so comforting and safe.

While we're there, our friend can find something better than us. While we are there, at least we are not a burden to those we love.

It doesn't matter if we'd disappear for good.

And yet, our friend comes to find us. Shining brighter than ever.

Saying they wants to be our friend. No matter how broken we are.

That's our friend. Wanting to give us everything, even though we ourselves can give nothing in return.

How could one bear such a debt of gratitude?

- - -

Do you know this debt of friendship?

[susitseart]

Crown.

Placed on your head.

For you did well.

For you suffered more than anyone else.

Suffer, suffer, you will get a brighter crown. This is an old saying in my country, and it has its own historical roots. However, the power of the saying still lives today in the hearts of many. Mine too. For we are descendants of those who preceded us and their teachings.

Victims of what they taught us.

The idea that living in suffering makes us valuable. That it’ll eventually lift us to bliss.

This was taught to them, and might be taught to us as well. Not out of anger or as punishment. But for love and for our own good.

That suffering is the greatest of virtues.

It shows that we don’t want to take the easy route. Shows that we don’t spend our time dreaming. Shows that we are humble and know our place.

There is no higher way to live. For otherwise we might end up living in decadence. To face the evil of the world unprepared.

Otherwise we might start imagining that life will be kind and easy to us. But it won’t be. Imagining that there is something more to hope for. But there isn’t. Imagining that we are worthy enough to hold our heads proudly high. But we aren’t.

Because there is more to life than this kind of self-centered thinking. Like working. Like humility. For the sake of someone higher than just ourselves.

This will ultimately give us the greatest reward.

The brightest crown. As a sign that we honorably suffered the most of all.

This they taught us. This they promised us. This is the reason why we carry the mantle of suffering on our shoulders.

This is the thought that destroyed something in us.

That’s why we still may choose to suffer today. To be one day worthy of the crown. But is the crown really worth all our suffering?

Perhaps not. For there is so much more beyond that.

Things like hope. And happiness.

They truly are there, when we dare to let go our lessons about suffering.

When we stop waiting for a crown that may never come.

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Did you also learn to see suffering as a virtue?

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I learned to think like this. As a victim of my generations.

I understood the well meaning and beautiful purposes behind this idea of ​​suffering. I even learned to see the idea of ​​suffering as a virtue.

After all, it was the most polite thing to think of others before oneself. It was polite to value hard work more than anything else and to forget the unnecessary desire for comfort. To be humble and know my place.

After all, it was good behavior and wise not to emphasize yourself and not to dream of anything better. Because what could the world offer someone like me?

So what, even though I felt my heart die under the thought as I suffocated myself and stopped dreaming. A small price to pay for making others happy.

That was my thought at the time. But after growing up, finally, I was able to start my own life.

Although the thought of continuing to suffer haunted me, I knew I was free. And nothing else I wanted so much to get rid of than this thought.

Many of us still suffer from this thought even though we are free. Me too sometimes, in moments when I can't consciously fight the thought.

Maybe some of us don't know any better. It may be that we are used to pain. We may think we don't deserve anything else.

That only through suffering can we be worthy of the crown promised to us.

But if we can let go of our pain and suffering. Even for a moment. To perhaps discover that there is more to life.

There is a chance for balance.

A balance between comfort and discomfort. Between helping others and valuing yourself. Those are the things we should strive for in life. To find a way to be hopeful and happy again.

So wouldn't the crown actually belong to us?

For those of us who strive to let go of the pain others gave us? To find something better for ourselves instead.

Because it truly isn't easy. To look at life with hopeful eyes. To find ways to love ourselves after all our pain.

It's not easy. Sometimes it is as difficult as the suffering itself. But it is possible to make a choice.

And even if we won't get a crown. Not from suffering or happiness. It does not matter. Because by choosing happiness we can make our short life at least a little bit better.

I'm sure of it.

[susitseart]

Holding.

Hands with you.

Means me more than life. Means me more than the whole wide world.

And I'm not even kidding or exaggerating.

For when we lonely ones find someone else in this lonely world. Someone who understands us and whom we want to understand. Someone we really want to share everything we have with. So what else would we need from life? In that moment, when we are lucky enough to get to share small moments with the other who is so dear to us.

What else do we need?

Nothing at all.

Small moments of happiness. They are ones that we don't always even notice. Because life moves forward in a hurry, and we move along with it. That's why we don't always even notice individual glimpses of light. Not from midst of our darkness.

That's why we don't always remember even our loved one who came to walk by our side.

Small moments of happiness are good at merging into our lives. To turn into something that is taken for granted.

But if we stop and think what kind of reason of wonder it truly is. When we've got someone we love in our lives.

When we learn to recognize the warmth the other. To know what kind the other feels like.

When we get to hold each other's hands.

Even for a moment.

When you really think about it, aren't those wonders, those little moments of happiness, more than just dim glimpses along our life?

They are more. For actually our lives does not consist of big moments, but of millions and millions small moments. And if we are able to notice those little moments of happiness. To live in the moment and in the momentary feeling of happiness. With the one we love. Then we might realize how lucky we are.

Because we are able to love. Because we are loved.

That's why we need nothing at all. Not from life itself and not from the world.

Because it's precisely those small moments of happiness that allow us to create our own world. Where, for a moment, we get to be with that other we love. With whom we are privileged to share the same soul and heart.

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Does small moments of happiness make you forget the world?

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As the story goes, small moments of happiness sometimes take me away. They make me forget the world whenever some part of me allows it. Allows me to be happy even for a moment. To just to enjoy how the other's hand feels like.

On this so-called day of love, many of us are lucky enough to hold someone's hand. But then again, some people don't have anyone to hold their hand with. At least not in the sense in which this day of love wants to mean it.

Therefore, this story should not be taken only as if it is intended only for those who have a loved one. No. This story. Reminder. Is for everyone. For those who have someone to share small moments of happiness with. For those who are lonely in this world.

For everyone who needs a reminder that small moments of happiness exist and will exist. For each of us. Even if we don't always see it. Even if we don't believe it.

That's why I hope those who have someone are happy. That's why I hope that those who feel they need it will find someone with whom they share the same soul and heart.

I hope that today has been a day of wonder and happiness for everyone. One way or another.

Happy Valentine's Day to all you friends 🐺💜🩷

[susitseart]

Blink of an eye.

Equal with lifetime.

(See and read all!)

It all goes by so fast.

That’s why I’m scared to blink again.

Time. It doesn’t mean anything. Or we can’t really know if it means anything. For time is something that our predecessors have defined sometime long ago. A long time ago, when the idea of everything being metrizable was recognized.

And that’s how we’ve come to know time. Countable seconds or decades. But before as an attribute that shows the limitation of life. Of how everything goes forward. Regardless of what we want.

How one day we’re here and one day we will be gone.

But accepting this law of nature is perhaps not the worst or scariest thing. No. It’s how quickly everything moves forward.

Everything. We and our lives as well.

Like in the blink of an eye. Therefore, the blink of an eye is equal to the length of a lifetime.

It’s not long since we were born here. Innocent, albeit against our will.

It’s not long since we were children without worries.

It’s not long since we were happy. It’s not long since we were hurt.

And today. In this moment, we are what time and life have made us.

It may be that we only realize it now. What we have become.

What about in the future? What will we be tomorrow or years from now? None of us can know that. But each of us will find out soon enough. Perhaps sooner than we would like.

That’s why, maybe one day in the future, we will wake up again. To see how the weeks and years have passed us by again. To how life and time have changed us again.

That’s when, again, we start counting. On how much time we still have left.

That’s why I wish. Oh, how I wish.nThat I could prevent my eyes ever blinking again.

It doesn’t matter if it hurts. It doesn’t matter if I have to beg time for mercy.

Because I want to see every moment of my short life.

Both happy and painful.

Because deep down I’m scared. Of where and what kind of I’ll find myself next time.

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Are you scared of how fast time goes by?

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I'm scared. Not often, because in every way I fight to be able to live in the moment. But still, from time to time I wake up to see it. To notice where time and life have brought me. To worry about whether I have lived my short life as fully as I should have. To Regret knowing that I have not.

That's why I hope time would give me and others like me some mercy. So that we could enjoy time and the moments it brings along with everything else we’re dealing with. Along with everything else we have to survive in our lives.

Because many of us are just trying to survive. About how we may have been bound in the name of love sometime long ago. About how we might have been hurt sometime long ago. From all of this we still carry the darkness and the scars that still keep consuming us.

In those moments of being bound or in pain, I, and I'm sure many others, wished that time would just pass. Go by quickly.

To end.

So that we would end too. So that we wouldn’t need to suffer a moment longer.

When we needed it the most. Or now when we need. That's when time seems to pass slower than ever.

It feels that way. But in reality, even in these moments, time passes just as quickly as before.

And that's what's so comforting, in our darkest moments. How limited our time here is after all. The way everything ends. Everything. Even our pain. One way or another. Whether we in the moment believe it or not.

With this comforting thought, we can find the strength to live our lives. To find those moments of happiness between our moments of pain. When we again want to beg for time to slow down.

So we could see all the small and big miracles that life has meant for us.

[susitseart]

Yearning. Back to the childhood.

To the years when this time brought magic to our hearts.

Another year has passed, and we return to this moment. To this time which should be the most magical time of the year.

Should be. Because we found this special happiness sometime long ago.

We get to know this certain magic. This certain excitement and warmth. This certain joy that only this time of year was capable to bring us.

We knew this magic. At a time when the snow fell on us more beautiful and whiter than ever.

When we still looked at the world through children eyes.

Yes, should be. And that's why this special time of year may awake in us a lot of wishes. Expectations. About what we should feel. About what we want to feel. Because this special time of the year must feel like something. Without it it's not special nor magical. Just another gray day among all the other gray days.

Therefore, we may try to prepare ourselves for this special time. Perhaps by making it similar to what it once was a long time ago. Perhaps by just making it as happy as we can. But still dreaming and searching for that specific magic. Searching. Because we realize that at some point we lost that magic we once found.

We dream. We search.

Desiring to feel that magic once more as only a child can.

But dreaming and searching are not always able to refute the truth or reality. The fact that we have come a long way from those years of carelessness and lightness. The fact that the present is so very, very gray. Filled with worries, sorrows and burdens.

It stings. It hurts. When we understand the truth.

That in the end, we only have this painful present. This moment.

When past comes back no more.

It doesn't mean that we who have lost our childlike joy will never be happy. No. We just have to keep searching and look for something else.

Look for our own magic. Which would make the world even in this special time, even for a moment, a little bit happier place.

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Do you also miss that magical joy of childhood?

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I miss it. At least once in a while. Anytime of the year when I feel like I can't be an adult in the right way. Not as happy as I imagined I would be after I've grown up.

But especially at Holidays, these feelings are accentuated. Because this time of year used to be the most magical of all. A time when the joy of childhood was perhaps at its greatest.

I'm not saying that everyone's childhood was the happiest. It wasn't for me either. But the joy and wonder at everything during that the time of childhood is something that was already like magic in itself.

But at some point it disappeared. When the pains and responsibilities of growing up took their place. Sorrows, from the wrong side of childhood or as if out of nowhere. And then, and because of that, there was no time to rejoice, so to speak, for nothing. When we learned to see in our sadness everything in the world why we have no any reason to rejoice.

That's why the joy of childhood can be hard to achieve. That's why we shouldn't be so disappointed when we notice that the joy of childhood is already far behind us. Because we are not alone in this feeling.

Many others are also alone with their adulthood. Without the ability to find happiness in the midst of sorrows.

That's why we could perhaps remember our childhood with warmth, without expectations that everything should be the way it was before.

Therefore, we could try to accept, especially this particular time, as just one period among others. Not in the same magical way as before. But at a time when we might get something good. Maybe our meal will be tastier for a moment. Maybe everything will be more beautiful for a moment. Maybe we get to spend some time with our loved ones.

Maybe we'll have everything just fine for a moment. As fine as we can have.

It's okay that we can't be happier than we are. It's enough that we try to get out of this time, and all other days, the moments of happiness that we only get. Even about small things. Because that's enough.

Because happy moments are not taken for granted. That's why we have to embrace every moment of happiness we get.

Happy and peaceful Holidays to everyone 🐺🌲❤️ I hope you have been well.

[susitseart]

Hey so I recently bought a chunk of stickers and a print off your Etsy and I went back to shop again and everything’s gone. 1 are you okay? And 2 where can I get more of your art?

Hello and thanks for your message ❤️ my shop is only open 3-4 times in a year (since I’m running my shop all by myself), and actually my shop will open again later this week! Please follow my IG or Etsy to be on map about the latest shop news!

Also thank you for asking, I’m doing okay! Bit tired sometimes, but mostly I’m fine 🐺❤️ I hope you’re doing well too!

[susitseart]

Knowers know.

And guessers guess.

Lil’ fan art for @canisalbus ❤️ This is different from what I usually draw, but please accept this as "extra content".

It was a joy to draw these beautiful characters, and it was refreshing to draw clothes and backgrounds!

[susitseart]

Tear apart.

Into small pieces.

Or it seems like your intention, my dear life.

But blaming life alone is not fair. Because we are the ones who often push ourselves to our limits.

Of course, there are many needs in our lives that strive us forward. We need livinghood to feed ourselves and our families. Willingness to fight, to survive in the cruel race of life.

These reasons are easy to explain. But beyond that, we may also want something else. We may crave acceptance and love. From ourselves and from others.

And those can feel like something we need to earn.

That's why we either give our everything. Or if we can't, we would rather not give anything. Because who would love someone who isn't good enough?

That's why we push ourselves to our limits. That's why we create a pack of faceless beasts for ourselves.

To tear us apart. Little by little.

And it may be a long time before we realize how torn we really are. How much tearing hurts us. For we, who want to always do our best, want to deny the shame of our pain and exhaustion until our last breath.

Never mind about pain or exhaustion. Because we are happy. And above all, grateful. For everything we've achieved. And we must be worthy of all that we have achieved.

That's why we endure. That's why we do better and more.

Until the thought of being torn apart. About ending the pain and getting out might start to feel like a comforting thought.

That's why. Before that point. We should stop.

To stop, and forget our doing just for the sake of better and more. And instead, we should remember where we started everything. That what's really important to us.

This way we can begin to seek our balance. Our balance where we're not giving up anything. But where we live a life where both performance and rest support each other.

After which the faceless beasts won't bite us so bad anymore.

It all starts from stopping.

It can be difficult.

But still, it's vital to us.

Are you being torn apart too?

I am, too often. And I'm looking for a balance. And I hope I'll find it someday.

[susitseart]

Despise.

It’s all I think about you. (SEE ALL SLIDES)

Says the red. Says the blue.

On my most sore sides.

We may be aware that there are many different sides in each of us. Sides that others may or may not see. Sides that are known or unknown even to ourselves.

But this is not the story about all our different sides. This is a story about how our different sides can be at odds with each other.

How they can despise each other.

Despise.

It's a word that can prevail between Sadness and Anger.

That's how it is for me. And maybe for someone else too. Therefore, we may be caught between the war of red and blue.

Sadness is my blue side. The side of me who wants me to be vulnerable. The side of me who fears the world. And who gravely, desperately wants and needs to be loved. Because when we look through the blue, we think that's what everyone needs. Even we, who feel like it's something we don't deserve.

Sadness wants me to understand the blue color of mine. Because that way, in my moments of weakness, I can be kinder to myself again.

That's what my Sadness thinks I need.

But Anger is my red side. The part of me that wants me to be strong. Who requires me to survive alone, because that's what the strong ones do. And with whom I don't want or need anyone or anything. Because when we look through the red, only the weak ones need another or anything.

Anger expects me to understand the red color of mine. For thus, with my red fierce and pride, my moments of weakness shall never touch me again.

That's what my Anger thinks I need.

But Sadness doesn't understand why Anger keeps poisoning me with mercilessness. And Anger doesn't understand why Sadness keeps poisoning me with weakness.

That's why they despise each other.

That is why there is an endless war inside me. Where Sadness weeps tears for Anger. Where Anger wants to burn Sadness to ashes.

Because these sides. And each side of us. Would do anything for our sake.

So that we could see through the color we need.

—————————-—————————-——-

Are some of your sides in conflict with each other too?

—————————-—————————-——-

As the story tells you, I have a conflict inside me. Perhaps it only exists between my Sadness and my Anger. Perhaps there are more sides of me that are at war, and I just haven't found them within myself yet. However, for me, the conflict between my Sadness and Anger is the greatest one within me. So great that I'm sure I've talked about it before. It's the one which gnaws my insides often and wears me down a lot.

The problem is not that my sides want anything bad for me. No. It's that they both only want the best for me. Because I, and each of us, needs our own sides. Because our sides are what make us who we are. Or, ultimately, they can teach us a lot about ourselves, allowing us to grow again.

Our sides know this. That's why they do everything for us.

That's why it's not that my Sadness and Anger want to make a battlefield inside me. They just don't understand each other. Therefore, they see each other as a threat to themselves. And above all for me. That's why they defend themselves and me.

I would like to be able to tell a way to end the war. To help myself and others. But I still, after all these years, haven't found a solution to it. Maybe it's just hard to grasp the issue, because it's hard to see the reason for this everything.

But on the other hand. If it were simple, I wouldn't be drawing or writing about this topic at all. Therefore, I can forgive myself about for not having the solution.

Furthermore, I also understand that even though my sides are fighting, I don't have to participate in the battle.

Maybe that's why I can't help but try to understand the conflict inside me. Parts of the pain it's causing. That why I always find myself in the middle of a fight. That why is there even is a war inside me.

Maybe that's why I just need to listen to the needs of both sides of me separately. And try to give them what they individually need.

It won't end the war. But maybe it gives me and my sides at least some kind of peace.