Warning! Bit of nasty language. Also, this is a long one.
@cardwrecks @captainbaddecisions
Song: Don't Let Me Get Me-P!ink
The alcohol both numbed and lifted him, blending with the thrumming music to create a fizzy, dizzying sensation in his head. The dance floor spun along with him, the lights a spangling rainbow in the dark. A writhing human ocean of bodies and hands pressing against him, a hundred clashing perfumes and colognes rising to the ceiling, buoyed on a cloud of sweat.
Swag loved this feeling.
Usually.
Tonight, the dizziness wasn't a release, it was just disorientation, and he wobbled across the dance floor, to wind his way upstairs. On his way there, he somehow latched arms with a few people, who ended up in his room with him, but he didn't have any complaints. And he made sure they didn't either.
When he dragged himself out of bed in the morning-well, midmorning-well, noon actually-only two of them were still there. He hoped the others hadn't fucked with any of his stuff on their way out, but his reputation still held on enough that most people didn't.
He was well aware that a lot of the people who found their way into his bed were in it for the thrill of who he'd used to be. The challenge, the bragging rights, the curiosity. Whatever. He didn't mind; he got to have a good time too, after all. Most of them didn't stick around for long afterward though.
These two, however, seemed to at least want breakfast.
“So big boy, you as good in the kitchen as you are in the sheets?” one asked.
His laugh was rough with sleep and residual alcohol.
“Unfortunately, no. I put all my extra points into my hips, if you know what I mean.”
“Oh, I do. That's okay, I can throw us something together. How d'you like your eggs?”
“Scramb-” he began, cutting off as he noticed her face fade from flirty, to frightened.
“What the fuck is that?” she whispered, pointing to one corner of his bedroom.
An anomalous form hunched there, pale gray and shifting, just barely humanoid. One of those damn wizard aliens! He didn't have much patience for these things.
“i'm curious about you”
Its voice slithered into his mind, nothing more than a whispered breath, as lacking in detail as its blank face.
“The feeling ain't mutual. Now scram!”
“Is it talking to you?” the other one asked, both partners taking shelter behind him. He glanced back.
“Hey, don't worry, okay? It's weird, but it'll be all right. Hey, you're freaking out my guests! Beat it!”
“i'm curious about how you were once one way but are now another way
how is that
humans can't really change so how are you doing it”
“Man, it's a long story, and I don't really feel like telling you. I just decided to, okay?”
“just decided to act differently and dress differently and be different
what part of it allows you to be different”
“The indomitable human spirit and my slammin' fashion sense. Go away.”
“ah your 'swag' as you humans put it
what a quaint concept
all that garish color and pointless detail
what if you didn't have that”
“Then I'd be naked.” Swag sneered. “Well...more naked.”
“then I expunge your 'swag' and all it entails
i want to see what will happen”
“Bro, that is so fuckin' stu-”
Magic flipped him inside out like a photo negative, a spool winding backwards. A spurt of malevolence splashed though his veins, making his fluffy bathrobe uncomfortably hot. He tore it from his thin form, and dropped it on the ground. Everything in the room felt wrong. Stifling. Everything was so...so fuzzy and soft, so clogged with dust, the perfect home for mites and allergens, and who knew what other kinds of potential pests and infestations?
It wasn't just the clothes. It wasn't just the clothes that made him who he was, it was the attitude, the demeanor, the coping mechanism he used to direct his mind away from its old paths. The Gray had lumped everything under the umbrella term of 'swag' and snatched it all away.
And who was he without that?
He knew. Unfortunately, he knew.
His sideburns itched, unnecessary, extraneous growths that served no purpose but to gather dirt. Everything was dirty; when was the last time anything in here had been cleaned?
“Eddie? Baby, are you okay?” One of the strangers placed their hand on his arm. He shoved them away immediately.
“Don't touch me!” he shouted, eyes wild. “You're filthy! All of you are covered in disease! Don't-”
They recoiled in fear.
“Fuck. Sorry. S-sorry, I didn't mean that.” he stammered, battling back a flood of anger and disgust. “Sorry, just...just don't touch me. You should...you should probably leave.”
“What happened?” the other asked, reaching out. “Do you need help?”
“Get out!”
He shoved them again, and this time, he didn't feel nearly as sorry.
They ran from him, but it didn't matter.
He needed to go check his cameras.
?~?~?~?~?
Something was wrong. Something was wrong.
It scuttled up the back of Detective's scalp, ruffling hairs along the way.
Something was wrong.
They hurried into their study, snatching up a small velvet bag along the way. Seating themselves at their antique leathertop desk, they lit a candle. They stared into the little flame, breathing deeply to push back against rising panic.
Once they had regained control, they opened the velvet bag, removing an ornate tarot deck.
What was the universe trying to tell them? They asked the cards while shuffling, slipping out three, and spreading them out on the desk.
The Five of Cups. The Tower. And off to the side, Temperance, reversed.
Regret. Failure. Terrible upheaval. And...
Swag.
They had to go find Swag. Something was wrong.
The world of the Question Mark shimmered at the edge of their vision. Swag. And danger. A faraway figure out on the horizon.
By the time they realized they were walking, their feet had already taken them to his doorstep.
Inside, everything was quiet and still. Detective heard muffled voices, and followed them to their source.
Swag perched on a chair in the kitchen, sketching on a roll a paper spread over the table.
“Crushing is always such a fun possibility.” Arkham's voice floated, tinny and harsh, from Swag's phone. “The walls closing in, just slowly enough that the victim can see what is going to happen, and panic at their own helplessness. The desperation. The inevitable ending. Such a good time. Well, when you're on the outside anyway. I have some of the parts you might need, if you feel like swinging by.”
“Hm. Not a bad suggestion.” Swag said. “But you'll forgive me if I don't jump at the opportunity to make myself vulnerable in somebody else's lair.”
“Will I?” Arkham said. “I suppose I will. Just this once.”
“Poisoning, perhaps.” Swag mused. “Something slow-acting. Pose the riddle and watch their terror grow as they begin to drop on the dance floor. If someone solves it, they get the antidote, but only the one who answered. Make it competitive.”
“Desperation and selfishness. A delight. But I thought you wanted blood?”
“Perhaps more metaphorically than literally, but I certainly wouldn't mind. Actually, there's enough space in here that I could put together a whole gauntlet without much trouble. I think I'll do that.”
“Swag?” Detective asked, worried. This kind of talk was...uncomfortable.
Swag held his hand up in a silencing gesture.
“How do you keep an idiot waiting?” he mumbled.
“What was that?” Arkham asked.
“Nothing to worry about. An interruption has arrived. I'll see to it.”
“Shall I call back?” Arkham offered.
“I think not. It's not that your company is unpleasant or anything, it's just that I know you're trying to distract me, and I'm not inclined to let you continue. Clever attempt though. I'm sure we'll cross paths later.”
Better hope not.” Arkham said, and they both laughed. Swag hung up the phone.
“I'll tell you later.” he finished the riddle, a drawl of challenge in his rolling tone. “So. You.”
“I can't help but feel as though you are on the edge of doing something you might later regret.”
“Something you might regret perhaps, but I'm feeling better than ever.” Swag asserted, holding his arms out wide. His eyes held no happiness that they could detect, just a manic sort of fervor. “I'm leaving behind all of my guilt and anxiety, ditching the false face. I'm letting that moron die and rising back up from the ashes. Call it an act of self care.”
“I shan't.” Detective said. “The Swag I know-”
Swag slammed his fist down on the table. Detective flinched.
“You never knew me.” he growled. “All you knew was a mask. A fucking jester. A coping mechanism that rose as a defense to too much thinking. He was, by nature and by design, my lesser.”
“He is loved.” Detective insisted. “What has brought this on? If you were truly so dissatisfied with things, why not speak with us about it? It's terrible to see you like this.”
“You will learn to like it!” Swag snapped. “Just like everyone else. Honestly, you act like I've killed somebody's best friend...which I have. Just not today. Not yet.”
“I will not allow-”
“It isn't your choice.” Swag cut them off. “Really, this infatuation of yours is pointless. Don't mourn that disgrace, Detective, welcome his restored superior! And also, leave. I have work to do.”
“Swag-” Detective stepped forward, stopping abruptly as the tip of Swags pen came up beneath their chin.
“Think you can take me?” Swag asked. “You aren't armed, are you? You don't bring weapons here. Swag's not dangerous, after all.”
Detective backed away.
“I shall take my leave.” they said.
?~?~?~?~?
No answer.
“Maybe he didn't hear?” Narci suggested.
“He'd better not be 'occupied'.” Puzzles grumbled, typing into his phone. “He knows we were coming, and I am not playing second fiddle to some floozie.”
He rang the doorbell several more times.
“Come on you strutting voluptuary, don't you dare leave us waiting.”
The door slammed open. Narci jumped. A stranger shoved his head out.
“What do you fucks want?” He snapped.
It was Swag, Puzzles realized with a shock. Clean-shaven and divested of his jewelry, hair slicked back under an olive green bowler. He glared coldly at them, and Narci shifted uncomfortably.
“You, uh, you were going to show me how to rewire an intercom system?” Narci said quietly, staring.
Swag sneered.
“Too stupid to figure it out on your own?”
“No!” Narci protested. “Of course not! You just said you were going to show us some tricks.”
Swag scoffed. He was actually in a suit for once, and...carrying a cane?
Something felt wrong here. Swag wasn't just in a bad mood. He felt different somehow.
“All right, spill it. Something's wrong with you.”
“How about you go fuck yourself.” Swag growled.
“How about I don't, and you tell me what's going on?” Puzzles shot back. “What's happened to you?”
“Nothing that needs to concern you. I had a change of heart, nothing more. I'm just trying to get something done, and I am out of patience with these interruptions.”
“What are you trying to do?” Narci asked.
“None of your business. Let's just say that Gotham needs a reminder. They've grown too complacent in my absence. I've been far too frivolous. Well, I mean to remedy that mistake.”
“Wait!” Narci cut in. “I could help you! If you could use another great mind, another pair of hands. We could punish this city together!”
Puzzles glanced aside. Narci had that weird look in his eyes again. The kid just got like that sometimes, like a curious dog, he just wanted to be involved in everything. Puzzles was vaguely aware of his isolated childhood, but there was a time and a place, and this definitely wasn't it.
But Swag-well, not Swag exactly right now, more like Less Swag, Opposite Swag, UnSwag-laughed mockingly.
“You? The constant failure? You're worthless. You don't have the respect of a single member of this wankfest of a Family, and you're going to help me? More like you need me to help you look better. Get lost you over-inflated fuck suit. You too, Autism Speaks, shove off before I bury you both.”
Puzzle's lip curled as Narci drew back, obviously hurt.
“No wonder you wanted to be anything other than this. You're insufferable.”
“Oh no, the twerp doesn't like me, how will I go on with my life? Go cry to mama, and get out of my parking lot.”
The UnSwag waved his cane threateningly at them. Puzzles eyed it cautiously. A Riddler's cane could be a dangerous thing; Puzzles own had a battery powered taser just under the question mark curl, a fear toxin dart in the bottom, and a short blade that could flick out of the side. Swag's preferred arsenal while he was a Riddler was a mystery to the Family.
“Perhaps a calculated retreat is in order.” Puzzles said quietly.
“He didn't have to say it like that.” Narci muttered, but he followed Puzzles away without arguing. “That's not...That's not actually true. I don't always fail. I'm not worthless. That's not true.”
“I'm sure you'll become capable eventually if you just keep at it.” Puzzles said, ignoring the betrayed glance the boy shot him. It was true. For the most part. Not many among them genuinely liked Narci, mostly just tolerating his antics for Nash's sake. Narci did have a lot left to prove, and whining about it wouldn't fix the problem. “More importantly; what's gotten into him? He has never acted that way since I've known him. We've argued before, and I know he is capable of being unreasonable, but I've never felt actually threatened before.” Puzzles mused, Narci sulking alongside him.
“Maybe he's just had enough.” Narci grumbled. “It could happen to anyone. Even m-even him.”
“Enough of what? The man is a bottomless pit of hedonistic debauchery.”
“But he wasn't always like that, was he? He was somehow else before...before all this. Maybe he got tired of people only thinking of him in one way. Maybe he needs to remind people what he's capable of.”
“Doesn't sound right.” Puzzles said dismissively. “But strange things do happen. We should probably let him be until this passes. Come on, we still need to talk about that sapphire heist.”
“I said I was sorry!” Narci groaned. “I just misunder...I just...”
“You were just wrong, and it cost us! Now come on!”
?~?~?~?~?
Nash spotted him near a wall panel tugging at a mess of wiring. This place was probably an electrical labyrinth, though maybe not quite as bad as the small lairs and foxholes Nash typically hid out in. Nash knew the Question Mark had once been an old warehouse; refurbishing those into hotspots for the night life was pretty common in Gotham, but Swag had really gone all out. On the inside, at least, it was impossible to tell what the building had once been.
Swag turned to look at him. Was he wearing a hat? That was odd.
Overlying his mind and perceptions, Lust hissed.
Nash stepped back, wary.
Swag smiled lightly, eyes sly.
“Good instincts.” he said. “But it took you just a little too long anyway.”
“Not from my perspective. Did we have plans? It doesn't matter, they'll have to be canceled, just like the rest. I find myself unexpectedly busy.”
This...this was wrong. Nash could still feel Lust bristling, able to sense things Nash couldn't, but he didn't need that to know something was terribly off here. Swags clothes...well they were always bright, eye-catching, stylish in a way that was either on the edge of going out of style, or just about to come back into style. Swag lived on the edges, shaped them and was shaped by them, but this green suit, that bowler hat, it was somehow lacking in the vibrancy Swag was known for.
And had he shaved???
Was this the same Swag, or yet another Riddler from another world? Nash knew Swag had been a Riddler, but not during the time Nash had known him. Not during the time any of them had known him.
“What happened?” he asked.
“Some kind of vague being came by and we had a talk. I came to the understanding that things were simply not working out the way I'd hoped. Oh well. I gave it a try, but I couldn't deny my destiny forever.”
“A vague... a Gray? Did a Gray do this to you?”
“A Gray? Can't I make my own mind up? Oh never mind, it doesn't matter. I have things to do.”
He didn't even sound like Swag. The easy-going affectation dropped entirely in favor of a mocking, almost angry tone.
“What are you planning?” Nash asked. He eyed the wires worming out of the panel.
“Grand re-opening tonight.” Not-Swag said. “This place will be filled with the most vapid, frivolous socialites middle class Gotham has to offer. How many of them do you think will make it out?”
A deathtrap. Swag was building a deathtrap. It was wrong. That wasn't what Swag did!
“Will Swag ever come back?”
Not-Swag rolled his eyes.
“He never left. I'm Swag. He's me! Ugh, why did I ever allow anyone to call me that? Fucking ridiculous. The disrespect I allowed...well that's over now. I'm him, he's me, we're the same person. I was always here, I was just wearing a different mask. Trying a different mode of being, but it didn't work. Too fragile a concept to build a life off of. Anxiety, pointless hedonism. No direction. No, I had already found what I was meant to be, no use in denying it any longer. It's time for a comeback. Now, why don't you come over here?”
Nash could feel Lust's denial, and he didn't feel very safe either. He backed up even farther.
“I think I'm gonna go...”
“Get over here, Nash. You won't have to do much. Just be tied to a chair so the others don't keep bothering me.”
“~The doorway over there~” Lust whispered in his mind. “~The worlds are thin there. I can get us through~”
“Come here, you fucking brat!” Not-Swag lunged for him.
“~Run for it!~” Lust screeched.
Nash threw himself blindly through the doorway-
-and stumbled into an entirely different building to sprawl, disoriented, on someones kitchen floor. He heard the patter of footsteps approaching and tried to climb to his feet. They were upon him before he knew it.
“Nash? When did you get here?”
“Oh, Nash! Are you all right?”
They helped him up, arms around his thin shoulders to stabilize him. Puzzles and Narci, their concerned faces hovering close to his. He was safe.
“Swag!” he gasped. “Something's wrong with him!”
Puzzles frowned, Narci's pale eyes slid away from Nash's face.
“We know.” Puzzles said. “We had an unfortunate encounter with him earlier. He was incredibly unpleasant.”
“Don't like seeing him this way.” Narci muttered. “Feels wrong.”
The three of them lapsed into an uncomfortably contemplative silence. They were the youngest of their group, just starting out on a journey that Swag had already ended. Narci and Nash were still figuring what the persona of the Riddler meant for them, and Puzzles only had a few years of experience under his belt. Swag was an odd outlier, but he was still a respected elder by now, at least in their youthful perspective.
And yet this thing that they all wanted so desperately to grow into, felt so wrong on Swag, who actually had once been that thing.
“It was a Gray.” Nash said. “He described it to me. He thinks he's made this decision himself, but it was one of those awful things.”
Puzzles sighed in irritation. “I suspected it might be something along those lines.”
“What's a Gray?” Narci asked.
“You haven't seen them?” Nash was surprised. He thought everyone had to deal with the mischievous creatures. Narci shook his head.
“Count yourself lucky.” Puzzles said. “They're some kind of magical being-yes, I know, but they are.” he insisted at Narci's disbelieving expression.
“They don't have any faces.” Nash explained. “They're all gray all over, and they kinda look like they're made out of slime or fog. They only barely look human. They talk inside your head. They're really creepy. They cast magic on you, like curses. They can make you do stupid things, or change your shape, or...practically anything! It's like they're playing pranks.”
“But they have been known to go too far.” Puzzles said bitterly. “Cause major problems for their own entertainment. Mostly they're just annoying, but they can be downright dangerous at times. The one saving grace is that their magic is nearly always temporary. This UnSwag has an expiration date. He'll go back to normal in a day or two. We'll just avoid him until then.”
“What about his customers?” Nash asked.
“What about them?” Puzzles said. “They can go a few nights without practicing their debauchery, I'm sure.”
“But he didn't close the club!” Nash exclaimed. “He's turning it into a deathtrap!”
Narci gasped. Puzzles stared at the ceiling with an irritated groan.
“Of course he is. This couldn't be easy, oh no, no, no. Instead, he has to go and do something that will get him tossed back in Arkham after the Gray magic wears off. This is why these creatures are so insidious, Narci. Their magic is temporary, but it can have long lasting consequences.”
“What do we do?” Narci asked. His feather light voice was laced with a fear Nash had never heard him express. He understood though. They could lose one of their number over this. One of their special Family. He and Narci didn't really have many people to turn to, and Narci had only recently been getting closer to the older members of the group. A few bad run-ins with Arkham had left him shy and demoralized.
But Swag had always been friendly. Always ready with another chance, even when Narci had been rude, or awkward, or-worst of all-wrong about something. He'd shown the same welcoming face to Puzzles and Nash too, even though Nash was technically too young to be allowed into the club during business hours, and Puzzles...well in the interest of being honest, Puzzles could get pretty rude about things too sometimes. Nash thought it must be a way of protecting himself. Even so, Swag still let him in.
“Well...We're Riddlers, aren't we?” Puzzles mused. “So, we stop him. Before he can kill anybody, and before any vigilantes show up. This is our business. We'll take care of it.”
Both boys nodded, dead serious.
“Okay. Narci, you go try to find YJ. I'll talk to Arkham. Nash, I want you to get Detec-”
“No need.” Detective's voice floated up from Puzzles left arm. “I'm already here~”
Puzzles shoved up his sleeve, revealing the tiny computer strapped there.
“Did you hack my Wrist Buddy?” he exclaimed, irritated and impressed.
“Never mind that. Do let me in. We have something to discuss.”
Grumbling, Puzzles typed a code into the tiny keyboard, and the front door unlocked. Detective entered without further preamble.
They were dressed for business, in a sleek green blazer over gray shirt and slacks, a green derby hiding their vermilion hair. They were even wearing their mask! Nash had never seen that before. They looked...dangerous. Not like the mothering figure Nash had grown to know, but like the debonair villain they had once been.
Narci stared with unabashed awe. Puzzles, on the other hand, crossed his arms and leaned against the counter.
“One would almost think you knew something in advance.” he said impudently.
“I did foresee something happening.” Detective replied.
“Oh, you foresaw it? How inconvenient that you didn't see fit to clue anybody else in!”
Nash squirmed. The Detective had visions. Claimed to have visions, anyway. And while Puzzles acknowledged the otherworldly beings that Nash was friends with, and the Grays with their magic, he did not entirely accept the Detectives oracular assertions.
“I didn't see exactly what it was. You know it doesn't work that way.”
“What a helpful ability.”
“Puzzles, we don't have time for this. Let's argue about it over tea some other time.”
“Yeah.” Narci said disapprovingly. “We have to help Swag. I'll go get YJ.”
“No, dears. I saw this too. YJ is too far away, and Arkham is too curious about the outcome to involve himself. He merely wishes to observe.”
“We'll see about that.” Puzzles typed speedily on his tiny wrist keyboard. “I'll contact him myself...Oh.”
The answer he got pulled his mouth into a frown. Detective cleared their throat.
“As I was saying, I saw something important pertaining to Swag. And then I spoke to him.”
“Odious, isn't he?” Puzzles said at Detective's disgruntled expression.
“Swag made an important decision about where to go with his life, and while it may be different that what you three would do, it was his choice. That has been taken from him, by force of magic, and that cannot be allowed. We make our own fates, and we must support each other in our decisions. We will not allow him to fall. So, suit up dear children. We're staging a coup~”
“How many times do I have to tell you I am not a child?” Puzzles complained, but Nash and Narci were already dashing back to their respective universes, to gear up.
Nash didn't have much; a mismatched thrift store Sunday suit, made for someone much younger than him. A shoplifted self defense keychain he could stab with. A miniature canister of pepper spray. He also had a lockpick that he hid in his department store trilby, and a very sharp hat pin, as well as a pocket knife, a portable usb drive with a deadly computer virus, a set of jewelers tools that he used on wiring, and one of YJ's smoke bombs. Nash tied his mask-just a strip of black cloth with holes cut out-around his head, and returned through the worlds, to Puzzles apartment.
Puzzles had taken the time to gear up as well, in his coveted kelly green suit and brilliant purple gloves. The colors smashed against each other, practically glowing at the edges. The classic bowler perched on his head and sleek mask always made him look older, and Nash knew he had some wicked weaponry hidden away.
Narci didn't have many places to hide things in his form-fitting, hand painted unitard and gymnasts shoes, but Narci carried few weapons or tools. He didn't need them; Narci was actually very strong, and could hold his own well in a fight, all of which was clear by merely a look at him in this getup. Any items he needed, he kept in a slender harness that girded his waist and thighs. He said it was to keep his freedom of movement, and Nash knew he'd been training as a gymnast ever since he could walk, but Nash couldn't help but bashfully notice how the harness accentuated certain of Narci's assets. In fact, the outfit put everything on display, and with his tight black curls, and slim, diamond shaped mask that hid very little of his face, it seemed like Narci wanted to be seen.
He practically posed; shoulders back and chest out, nose proudly in the air. He was only an inch taller than Nash, but seemed much bigger next to Nash's shrinking slouch.
“Have we got everything we need?” Detective asked. All three young men nodded. “All right. You have all been to the Question Mark before. Do you know the internal layout?”
“I've been inside.” Puzzles said. “I know how both floors are laid out.”
“Me too.” Nash added.
“I've only seen the first floor.” Narci admitted.
“All right. So here's what we'll do.”
?~?~?~?~?
The crowd outside the Question Mark was thick with people and irony; scattered among clubbers finery were people sporting Riddler costumes-the gallows humor of Gotham. Everyone knew who owned this nightclub, as Swag had not just not hidden the fact, but had actively banked on it.
Puzzles slipped unnoticed into the crowd, making his way up to the front where he immediately picked a fight with the bouncer. The others used the distraction to find a way into one of the areas few surveillance blind spots.
“Do you think you can do it?” Detective asked quietly. Narci scanned the wall carefully, taking in the texture of the bricks, the decorative façade, the bars on the windows, the height of the roof.
“Yes.” he said confidently, and began to climb. Nash watched him scramble up the building, taking out security cameras and motion sensors along the way. His job was to destroy as much of the security system as possible; especially the flood lights on the roof. They didn't move again until Narci had disappeared over the top, then they sneaked along, hugging the wall, until reaching nearly the back of the building.
This area was employees only, and fenced in with tall chain link. Nash was a Gotham youth, and scaled it easily, pausing at the barbed wire coiled at the top. His jeweler's tools included a wire cutter, and after a few tries, he was able to remove a length of the barbed wire wide enough for him to pass through. Back on the asphalt, he began working on the lock. It was good quality, but nothing Nash couldn't pick. Swag was protecting against the basic Gotham punks, after all, not other Riddlers.
In the meantime, Detective had set down their briefcase and opened it, lifting out a honed woodcutter's ax, with a handle wrapped in blue leather.
“It's one of Jervis's.” They said at Nash's stare. “He insisted I bring it with me. It may prove useful after all.”
The lock clicked in Nash's hand, and he tossed it over his shoulder, letting the Detective breeze through the gate. It sucked they had to cause all this damage, but it was better than letting Swag get dragged off to jail just because some Gray thought it'd be funny.
Detective began examining the power meter, but Nash noticed movement and pulled them back around the corner. The two peeked around to see a pair of very tough looking women approach the employees entrance.
“Oh dear.” Detective whispered. “This could be bad. I've seen those two before; they're this worlds Query and Echo. Rotten luck that they'd be here tonight.”
“I'll distract them.” Nash volunteered. Detective grabbed his arm.
“You mustn't try to fight them.” they insisted. “They are very dangerous!”
“I won't.” Nash said. “Just trust me, okay?”
Detectives lips thinned out, but they let go.
Nash stuck his hands in his pockets, let his head droop and walked into the employee parking lot, kicking at a rock.
The women paused. He let just a little bit of his secret power seep out, a supernatural drug that mentally disarmed anyone who looked at him. These two would see whatever it was that would make them most sympathetic towards him.
“Hey, either of you two got two dollars I can borrow?”
“What's the matter kid?” one asked. “Fake ID didn't work out?”
“Yeah.” Nash said sullenly, petulance seeping out of his demeanor. “And my ride says she's gonna stay anyway, and I don't have any bus fare. Can't call my mom to come pick me up; I'd be grounded for a month.”
He'd slowly made his way over to them, acting exactly like a defeated teenager, and both women smiled condescendingly.
“Ha. It was a nice try kid. Here, take this and come back in a few years.”
Nash was just reaching out to take the money, mind whirring on how to continue the distraction, when the floodlights went out.
“What the fu-”
Nash whipped his hand out of his pocket and threw YJ's smoke bomb to the ground. It exploded into a miasma of choking green. Behind him, the sound of metal striking brick as Detective took the chance to shear the meter clean off the wall. The rest of the external lights went dark.
Beside him, something dropped into the cloud of smoke, landing on one of the searching women with a heavy thud. Nash flinched and threw himself through the employee entrance, hoping Narci hadn't killed her with the impact.
He skidded down the hall, hugging the walls, as the sounds of fighting faded behind him. The area was bathed in eerie green, the emergency lighting casting deep shadows.
“Lust, help me hide.” Nash whispered.
“~Of course. Relax yourself and let me embrace you~”
Nash concentrated on relaxing his body through the tickling sensation of Lusts hundreds of amorphous tendrils breaching his skin. They wrapped tightly around every inch of his body, covering him in a smoky bodysuit of shifting shadows.
Now camouflaged, he slinked down the hall and up the stairs, not entering the dance floor. He was sure it was trapped, waiting for hapless revelers to meet their makers. Maybe they deserved it, maybe they didn't; Nash didn't care about that very much, but he knew that Swag would.
He crept along the second story, the darkness itself seeming to muffle his steps. A door banged open, and Nash threw himself into the bedroom doorway, heart in his throat. UnSwag stalked by and down the stairs, grumbling angrily about the power.
Nash skittered into the newly vacated room before the door shut. It was full of darkened screens and neatly lined computer towers, their whirring hum silenced.
Swag had backup generators. Of course he would. He must have. And that's where UnSwag had to be heading. Nash readied his usb drive. The screens flickered back to life, and Nash jammed the usb in. He might only have a few moments.
Fingers flying he unleashed the malevolent little worm of code, then slipped back out into the now worryingly lit hallway. Down the stairs, towards the exit-
Snatched off his feet, and slammed headfirst into the wall. Lust took the edge off the blow, but it still rattled Nash's brain. UnSwag twisted his arm behind him, held him by his hair, and dragged him out onto the dance floor.
“Hey guys! You looking for this? You fucking looking for this?” He shook Nash hard, who squealed under the pressure on his arm. Narci, Puzzles, and the Detective all turned from their positions creeping along the walls in search of traps.
“Lust!” he hissed through gritted teeth.
“~If I do it, he will be harmed! Perhaps permanently~” the demon whispered from within him. “~I can get you free, but he might not recover~”
“Hold off then. We didn't come to kill him.”
“Stop mumbling, brat.” UnSwag growled in his ear. “Whatever code you're trying to use, it won't work. They won't do a thing while I have you. Isn't that right?”
Detective held their hands up, palms empty. Jervis's hatchet was nowhere to be seen.
“Please. There is no need to endanger the boy.” they said gently.
“He endangered himself. He didn't have to throw in with you and invade my home, but he did. He made his own choice. There are consequences for that.”
“Look, we're not trying to hurt you or anything.” Puzzles said. “We're just trying to save you from regrets.”
“Who asked you?”
“You would have, if you were in your right mind. But you are being controlled right now, by one of those gray beings-”
“Puzzles!”
“Wrong answer!” UnSwag snarled, and flung Nash out onto the trapped floor.
The others began shouting. Nash hit a pressure plate, heard it click.
Nothing.
“What.” UnSwag said. Nash rose from the floor, grinning like the devil.
“Oops.” he said. “I think I broke it. Sorry.”
UnSwag shoved his hand into his jacket. Whatever he was reaching for, he never made it. Narci hit him with freight train force, and he went down instantly. Nash winced. Narci never did pull his punches.
The acrobatic Riddler swiftly had UnSwag tied with a cord from his harness. He immediately started wiggling free, so Narci perched on his back and held him down.
“Wow. One punch.” Puzzles sneered. “You are going to be so embarrassed when you wake up.”
“I am already awake!” UnSwag insisted. “Why don't any of you see? It was all just a pipe dream! It was never real. This is who I have always been.”
“Then why is this temporary?” Puzzles asked. “Why did you have to be pushed back into it by force? You know it's temporary, don't you?”
“It doesn't matter! I am who I'll always be! No matter what mask he puts on, I'll still be here. He'll never be rid of me. And what does it matter to you anyway? Why would you go so far to stop me?”
“We are rather fond of our dear Swag~” Detective said. “And we respect the decisions he has made.”
“Why do you like me that way so much? I've made an imbecile of myself, and I'm only trying to rectify that. You three! Isn't this the life you've chosen? And you! You might have retired, but you didn't put your brain on the shelf! All I do as your precious 'Swag', is waste my time with harlots and drink to oblivion. I hate him as me. It was a mistake.”
“You don't see the value in your own choices?” Detective asked. “You've put in so much effort. Do you see what you've built? The people still dance to your tune, it's just more literal this time.”
“Don't fucking start. That shit might work on these fetuses, but not-”
Narci stroked his hair gently, and UnSwag shuddered.
“Don't touch me!”
“Swag is perfect.” Narci asserted. “In a different way from us, yes. But you are wonderful like that.”
“Bullshit. None of us actually get along.” he jutted his chin towards Puzzles. “That little bitch hates everyone. The brat over there can't be trusted. And you...” he bucked, trying to throw Narci off. “Even as that frivolous idiot, I still don't respect you. No one does.”
Narci sighed, and stroked his hair once more.
“I know. But you tolerate me, and that's important too. In time, I'll earn the rest of it. I know how to work hard to become something great. That's why I can't stand to see you like this. All that effort, taken away.”
UnSwag groaned in annoyance.
“So what about the rest of you? Any more pithy speeches before I fade back into featherbrained worthlessness?”
“Two to midnight.” Puzzles said, checking his wrist computer.
“Nothing to say.” Nash added.
“Now we simply wait.” Detective finished.
“Fine.” UnSwag said. “If that's the official consensus. Just know that if this ever happens again, you're all on the list. So nobody better ever bring me back.”
“It'll be okay.” Narci said, stroking his hair one last time. “It'll be over soon.”
“Don't touch me.” UnSwag repeated. “Just...let me sleep, I guess.”
Instead of looming over their defeated foe, Detective, Puzzles, and Nash gathered to sit on the floor next to Narci and UnSwag. He lay quietly, as they all waited together for the last moments of the past to trickle away.
Puzzles wrist computer beeped. Everyone held their breath. If they were right about the temporary nature of Gray magic...
“Hey Narci? You're a handsome young man and' all, but would you mind getting the fuck off? Kinda crushin' my ribcage here.”
Narci hopped off his back immediately. Nash reached out for the rope binding him.
“Wait!” Detective commanded. “Relief cannot be allowed to overcome caution. If you would all be so kind as to move away...”
The young Riddlers drew back.
Detective knelt next to their captive and raised him up by the shoulders. Looked into the clean shaven face, the deep blue eyes, and kissed him, long and deep.
Narci gasped, but Nash knew they were like that sometimes.
“Disgusting.” Puzzles muttered. But when they parted, Swag was smiling.
“Hell of a welcome home. Got any more for me? I'm already all tied up, after all. But we probably better send the kiddies home first.”
“It's him.” Puzzles said flatly.
Nash and Narci cheered.
They untied him, checked him for injuries-Narci had hit him pretty hard after all. Narci apologized endlessly, but Swag waved it off.
“Not like I didn't earn it.”
“Um, can you apologize to the ladies for me too? When they wake up, I mean.”
“N-Nina? And Deirdre? You took them out? By yourself?”
Narci stood straighter.
“Well, Nash dropped a smoke bomb, and I didn't really want to hurt them or anything...but yes. I did.”
Swag patted Narci on the shoulder.
“I'm impressed, kid. Now never ever do that again.”
The young Riddlers didn't stay long; technically it was illegal for Narci and Nash to be in the club during business hours, even if the Question Mark wouldn't be opening tonight. 'Electrical malfunction' they had told the disappointed crowd. But for a while after that, Detective stayed by Swag's side, comforting arm around his shoulders.
“You guys did right.” Swag said. “There's a reason I didn't want to be like that anymore. Like, yeah, that's me, and that's still swimming around inside me. Everything I did, and everything I thought and felt. That's entirely me. But this is also me. This is what I chose.” he stroked his chin. “Ugh, he shaved me. Damnit, that's gonna take weeks to grow back just right. And where are my earrings?”
He got up and began searching around for his jewelry.
“Swag.”
“Yeah?”
“If you are serious about letting go of the past...may I suggest that you actually let go?”
They gestured at the green suit Swag was still wearing. He plucked at the lapels.
“Yeah...guess I've grown out of it, huh. Doesn't fit quite right anymore. I don't know why I kept all this stuff. Contingency, I guess. But...I don't need it anymore. Tell ya what, I'll pack all this stuff up, the suit, the hat, the cane, all of that. And I'll... I dunno. Throw it in the bay. Donate it to a museum. Something like that.”
“I could help, if you like.”
“Nah...this is really somethin' I should do myself. 'Sides, you guys already helped me out plenty tonight. Guess this whole Family business is worth somethin' after all. If you can see me at my worst and still stick around...I dunno, it's giving 'hope for the future', you know?”
Detective stayed the night, just talking while Swag packed, bathed, rested. And though they did see that hope Swag spoke of peeking through as he chattered about future plans, they couldn't help but to let their mind drift to the mystery they knew hung on the horizon.
Just because that first one is smiling, does not mean he's friendly.
That Swag is my darling favorite should go without saying. It's kinda funny because he is nothing like my normal type of fave, but sometimes a character is just so enjoyable that it doesn't matter.
Swag is layers upon layers of masks, operating under a fake it till you make it program that is in constant flux. He endlessly rebuilds and remakes himself, and despite certain strict rules and being a legit business owner, is one of the most fluid and chaotic characters in the group. He bucks social authority hard, and while he starts out a bit selfish and self centered, he skews far more towards trying to do what's good rather than what's legal. Meaning that, while he doesn't go out of his way to be a hero, he will try to help people who are right in front of him. He is sometimes bad at it.
Considering how truly awful he used to be, and how he chose to go about not being that, he is a rare example of a wildly successful reform. Most of the biggest name villains in his world either died, or called it quits eventually, leaving only the smaller rogues to decide if they really wanted to continue or not. I imagine his world as being contemporary to ours, but with more cyberpunk candy goth overtones, rather than the classic art deco or endless grunge feels that many other Gothams portray.
Swag is one of those obnoxiously fashionable people who you want to be mad at, but you can't because he's charming instead of insufferable. He is openly afraid of commitment, but has a deep capacity for love and care, and an almost religious (but not quite) need to put more joy into the world than he did pain. He knows he can't make up for what he did, but guilt will always drive a person to try.
Swag is agile, and the fastest among his peers, but his body just never holds much weight or muscle, so he's not as strong as, say, Arkham or Narci. He can take a lot of pain and keep going though-if all the contraptions in his bedroom closet are any indication-and is difficult to drop. He does not believe in fighting 'fair', he's just seen too many fights for that.
Swag is not to be trusted in the kitchen! Get him outta there! However, he is a very good seamster, and often designs clothing. He has a lot of hobbies to keep his mind occupied, and work off his boundless energy. He has troubles with addiction, alcoholism being his greatest nemesis, after giving up nicotine since discovering Helix was allergic to it.
When Swag was ten years old, a Gray showed him the future. There, he met Narci and Helix, and a few other people. And though as the years went on, that memory faded into a dream, then a fuzzy recollection, then nothing more than a faded impression with no details, it kept him alive. At his lowest points, when he wondered if it was really worth it to go on, he always ended up clinging to the unfounded belief that someone was waiting for him, and so he stayed alive.
Swag was an unintentionally guiding force for many of the other Riddlers, and is universally beloved. In the end, like Detective, he also eventually got almost everything he wanted.
By Talos, This Can't be Happening: Chapter 2-You're Finally Awake
A crack isekai that I started just for fun, which had ballooned into something much bigger. Helix and Swag get stuck in a world from her rocky past, and now they traipse around Tamriel while larger forces start sneaking up on them.
Chapter 2/?
Helix tells a lie, and they get on the road.
Content warning for blood, violence, sexual situations, and questionable life decisions.
@cardwrecks @captainbaddecisions @whocares-idont
All right, I don't know why, but tumblr will not let me paste the text of this story at all, under any circumstances. There's not even any blood or sex in this one. I don't understand, but anyway, here's the ao3 link, I guess?
