001 : Within You & Without You
I've been inspired to blog about the exploration of my inner world. Here you'll find my reflections on what I find within and how it's reflected without. I'll be talking about what methods I use, the teachers I find (or re-find), and, of course, co-incidences that lead me to realisations and reflections. I'll be reblogging anything that makes me feel uplifted.
I have been neglecting meditation for almost a year (maybe longer!). It shows! I just haven't been inspired by my usual methods. So, I've started reading and meditating with Happy For No Good Reason by Swami Shankarananda. I'll reblog what I wrote on my other tumblr about my first session with the guided Shiva meditation. Today I began working with the mantra tracks. My mind was a-buzz from the last few overly-sensory days, and I was surprised how effectively the mantra track stilled it. I was a little unfocused/unable to concentrate attentively on one "spot" in my awareness, but I did feel uplifted, unidentified from the ego, and came out of it feeling very peaceful.
This has been popping up everywhere. My great friend, G-Cat, has encouraged me to get a copy and we're going to work through it together. It's also been mentioned in every bloody video, book and talk I've looked at recently -- want to be any clearer, Universe? I ordered my copy this morning, paying extra for an Australian seller so it'll get into my grabby-hands sooner! I'm going to be reading a chapter a day (ish), so expect reflection on the lessons on this hurr tumblr!
I keep relearning this lesson. The core "aim" of my quest is to live in peace. To the outer world this can seem like happiness 24/7, but even at its most intense, happiness comes in waves like sadness or other emotions. They can be quick waves, but they're not constant like peace. I've been going after the outer-world symptom of happiness rather than the inner-world cause of peace, so I am renewing my focus. I'll be checking in on my intentions and actions with the single question, "Will this add to peace, or add to distress?"
Staying In The Moment With "Yes"
I've found myself getting bent out of shape over little things, particularly the illusion of control. This is a bigger problem, but I've started small by saying in my mind, "Yes to this!" when I find myself yearning for an imaginary "better" moment in the future. It brings me back, allows me to accept the experience of whatever is happening, no matter how uncomfortable it is. And I can accept that discomfort, too! TOLERANCE +20
I'm changing my characteristics from female to male, and this is, as you can imagine, one of the least peaceful things I've ever had to face. At a quick glance, the question of, "Will this add to peace, or add to distress?" has a fast answer of, "DISTRESS." This is a distressing process, but in my heart I know it's the peaceful answer. I have been distressed by my body for so long without knowing it - like a headache you've always had, where is the comparison to tell you that you're in pain? Presenting as a male, taking a male name, and my (amazing) friends using male pronouns has taken the headache away (or alleviated the pain a little, at least), and I can see how peaceful things will be when I feel comfortable in this outer-world skin. I see this process as a whole transition, and a very unique learning experience.
My transition is a point of stress in my life that is bringing me closer to my spirituality, clearing up my beliefs, teaching me about my Self and motivating me to live my true purpose. It's not easy, but learning about my wider, cosmic support system is a blessing that will help me through it. I'm also learning a lot about inner integrity. Saying, "I trust the Universe," is one thing; actually trusting it is another.
