It’s been a bit more than a year now that we’ve found each other and I don’t think I’ve ever been more grateful for anything in my life. you’re the best friend one could wish for and I am very lucky that you somehow think I’m as cool as I think you yourself are
I hope you have a fantastic day today, because you deserve the absolute best. I obviously couldn’t be with you today, but this will hopefully be the next best thing.
This is the a new instalment in the For Intended Use Only series. Compared to the two others I wrote, it isn’t smuttish at all, but we all agreed that those two were the flukes XD I hope you still enjoy it :D
Trust and Intimacy
Eggsy has been filing his paperwork in Harry’s office, hoping that merely being in his lover’s presence would be enough to shake him off of his weird mood.
So far, there has been no real improvement and he’s still feeling all out of sorts without knowing why.
What he should do is leave before he can distract Harry too much, but with Percival and Roxy out on missions and Merlin busy with a new prototype, it would mean being alone and his stomach turns at the idea.
But Eggsy isn’t a kid anymore, not everything is about him. So when he notices that his shaking leg has garnered him Harry’s attention, he smiles sheepishly and gets ready to excuse himself out.
Of course, Harry being who he is, he cannot even get out of this chair before his lover inquires if something is wrong.
And the thing is, nothing is wrong per se, but not everything is right either. He has half a mind to pretend he’s all good, but not only Harry knows him too well to know it’s not the case, but when it’s not about work or good surprises, they’ve made it a point to be as honest with each other as could be.
“I’m okay, just-” he trails off and shrugs, not able to describe how he’s feeling even if he tries.
“In a mood?” Harry supplies and he’s got that air, as if he knows exactly what Eggsy means. And, good for him really, but it’s a tiny bit frustrating that Harry would know while Eggsy still has no clue himself.
“I guess.”
Some of his frustration must filter through though, because Harry smiles comfortingly before reaching out to press his hand between his.
“Tell me what you need my darling boy.”
He makes it sounds so easy, but Eggsy simply has no idea. Sure Harry hands on his is grounding in ways nothing has been today and he’s got that unwavering desire to please Harry, even if it’s just by answering him. But…
But. He. Doesn’t. Know.
He jumps on his feet, as if that would make it better, and starts pacing around. He wonders briefly if going on a run or to the gym would be any help, but he’s got the feeling that beside making him exhausted on top of everything else, it wouldn’t actually help him.
What he should be doing though, is to leave Harry, stop bothering him for no reason, but when he chances a glance at him, he’s still looking at him, still patiently waiting for his answer. And he just looks so kind, with that hint of worry in his eyes, that Eggsy has to at least try.
“I- I don’t know if I need anything. I just- I feel like my skin is too thin? But at the same time as if I’m lost in it and, and-”
“Would you like to try kneeling?” It’s more that Harry has interrupted than his words that make him stop and stare at his lover with disbelief. However, when what he said finally registers, he feels a blush creeping on his cheeks.
“What-? But, I mean- With Merlin- and I just-” he stammers for a moment, floundering under Harry’s calm gaze. There isn’t a sliver of judgement to be seen on his face, but really Eggsy isn’t sure if it’s better or worse. “Wouldn’t that be… Weird?”
It’s the first complete sentence he manages to say and he cannot quite suppress his wince when Harry frowns before getting up. He doesn’t look angry or concerned, just a bit unhappy, but it’s enough for something unpleasant to take home in his stomach, twisting his insides in uncomfortable knots.
However, instead of Harry showing him the door like he half expects him to, Harry simply goes to the sofa and pats the cushion next to him in invitation.
“Please?” And the thing is, Harry can make the word in a cold order no one would dare disobey, but that’s the exact opposite of it. It’s warm and open, a supplication Eggsy could ignore if he chose to, but he’d rather anger Harry when he’s in full-on Arthur mode, than to hurt him like this right now.
Harry doesn’t drag him closer when he finally sits down beside him, but one of his hand comes to rest on his knee, a warm point of contact grounding him to the here and now.
“You’ll never have to do anything you’re not comfortable with Eggsy. If you ever feel like we’re forcing you into something you’d rather not be a part of, I hope you’ll tell us the moment it happens.” For a second there, Eggsy fears that Harry thinks he’s regretting his foray into the less vanilla side of their relationship, but his lover continues before he can reassure him. “That being said, the reason I’m offering you to kneel, if you want to, is because you sound to be in a similar state than when Merlin needs that particular comfort.”
Eggsy cannot say the idea isn’t appealing, if only because he remembers the look of utter peace on Merlin’s face whenever he’s found him simply kneeling at Harry’s feet, whenever it doesn’t turn into the start of something more.
Still, he’s hesitant to agree.
“But isn’t it… Like wrong? That I’d want that, when usually I prefer being dominant?” It’s still a bit hard for him to talk about that aspect of their relationship, if only because he feels like he knows so little. Not that Harry or Merlin have ever made him feel bad about it, but that doesn’t stop the blush spreading on his cheeks.
“Oh, Eggsy,” the hand on his knees squeeze lightly in comfort and Harry’s other hand raises to rest on the nape of his neck. It would take a stronger man than Eggsy not to lean into the contact. “There is no shame in being submissive, nor should there be any pride at being dominant. This is about trust and intimacy, the pleasure of having someone in your care or the freedom of letting go knowing someone will catch you. There would be nothing “wrong” with you enjoying both. There is even a term for that - a switch - if that can reassure you that it’s perfectly normal.”
They stay silent for a long time after that, Eggsy finally letting himself snuggle against Harry’s side, sighing with contentment when Harry wraps an arm around his waist and lets him think on everything he’s said.
And the more Eggsy thinks about it, the more he finds he wants it.
Wants to give up his control and let Harry take care of him.
Wants to not have to worry about anything but what Harry wants, because he trusts him, loves him and he wants so much to make him proud.
It wouldn’t be all the time, that he knows already, but it doesn’t matter. Harry, and Merlin he’s sure, will take that in stride and they will all work together to adapt to that new aspect he brings to their relationship.
“Is it… It it okay if I don’t want anything more? If I just- kneel, I mean?” he adds quickly when he realises how his question can be taken.
“My darling,” Harry leans back from their embrace a little, one hand gently cupping his cheek, thumb slowly stroking his lower lip, “I would insist on it.”
The last of Eggsy’s worries evapporates under Harry’s warm gaze. It’s not that he isn’t curious about that too, but he’s pretty sure it would be too overwhelming for his first time giving up his control. He should have known that Harry already had figured that out.
“Will you kneel for me Eggsy?”
It would sound more like an order than a question to anyone listening in, but after watching him and Merlin together, he’s long understand that Harry isn’t really the one calling the shots. Not about the important stuff anyway.
As soon as Eggsy wants out, Harry will stop. Probably even before Eggsy would realise it.
That’s what really makes him drop to his knees at Harry’s side on the plush carpet and listens when Harry directs him into a position he’s seen Merlin adopt so often, hands behind his back, cheek pressed against Harry’s thigh.
“Perfect, my darling. You’re doing so good for me.”
He preens a bit under the praise, but it’s nothing compared to the feeling he gets when Harry starts playing with his hair.
He closes his eyes and he loses track of time, finally feeling himself settle back into his own skin after days of feeling like he was coming apart at the seams.
He vaguely registers the sound of a door opening, then the soft gasp that follows, but Harry hasn’t tensed at all against him. Which means he’s safe.
He feels like he could purr when he hears the familiar brogue asking permission to kneel too, when Merlin’s comforting warmth settles beside him.
He forces his eyes open, smiling at Merlin in a very dopily manner probably. But Merlin only returns his smile serenely, cushionning his head on Harry’s other thigh.
And if they break position slightly so that they can hold hands, well, Harry is apparently willing to let it slide this once.
