Discover Top Posts Tagged with #sx_tape

I wasted 84 minutes and 18 seconds of my life on this tripe and I want them back.

The tagline for SxTape (yes, SxTape; the filmmakers couldn't even bring themselves to have "sex" in the title) reads “Some tapes shouldn’t be made”, and really they should’ve taken their own advice here. The one hope spot to come from this cinematic abyss is the likely event that some poor soul will one day mistake it for the upcoming Cameron Diaz/Jason Segel “romp” Sex Tape whilst looking for something to stream, and receive a horrible shock upon viewing an interminable horror that should never have received funding, let alone get a respected horror director in Candyman’s Bernard Rose on board.

If you’re trying to make a compelling feature length movie, it’s a good idea to not make your protagonists the most vacuous, annoying, yuppie couple you’ll encounter cinematically for some time, who cannot keep it in their pants for more than five minutes. I get that that’s the conceit of the movie - that sex is a primary feature of the plot - but Jesus H masturbating Christ, even the eponymous character of Nymphomaniac had more self-control. So our asshole heroes - one a Kesha lookalike artist, the other an interminably dull “filmmaker” who just films everything - stumble up an abandoned hospice from the last century. They dick around, use bed restraints for some light bondage play, guy goes off to sniff his own farts or something, girl is attacked by demon thing whilst trapped in said restraints, and then we’re treated to a good hour or so of wandering around dimly lit halls interspersed with spooky noises and mind-numbingly petty arguments.

There’s barely enough material here to cover one of the lesser V/H/S shorts, let alone an actual full-length film, crammed with every overbaked found footage trope. It’s a damn good argument for taking the genre out back and Old Yeller-ing its brains out. The one positive is it actually feels like it was shot on a consumer camcorder, and hasn’t been polished and framed past all believability. But a sliver of authenticity doesn’t make up for something so bad, it’s not even possible to put effort into taking the piss. Even desperate teenagers on the hunt for any form of titillation won’t buy into such risible excrement.

★☆☆☆☆