*cOMES INTO UR HOUSE AGAIN* imagine jassie as parents B)))
I really need to get god damn moat to stop this shit.*cracks knuckles* YOU WANNA GO? LET’S GO.
No one talks about grandparents. Ever.
John would rather tell their spawn that they grew out of cabbages than talk about Jedikiah and Bathory.
When Cassie tells John she is pregnant, John legit is super happy for like 5 minutes, then collapses into a breakdown because How could he be a good dad when the only fathers he has known were either terrible abusive drunks or manipulative mother fuckers who literally used him like a pawn.
Charlotte Taylor is not allowed to babysit ever again after an incident involving glitter.
Russell and Stephen will never let John live down his hyperventilating (he claims he was encouraging Cassie’s breathing) when Cassie went into labor.
John almost shoots Russell when a kid’s first word is ‘Rolex’.
TIM is not a suitable babysitter, John Young.
Irene is also not a suitable babysitter. She was caught trying to teach their kid physics and their kid cries whenever she is near because of how traumatic it was.
Neither is Russell or Stephen.
Actually, Cara, Astrid, Marla and Morgan are the only ones allowed to babysit.
Cassie’s pregnancy was filled with many objects flying at John’s head (or hovering in wait for him to turn around and run into them), and a shit ton of trips to the noodle shop.
When their kid breaks out, John D-Chips the ever living hell out of everything so no sleep teleporting. Cassie then summarily deactivates them because God damnit John did you forget about teLESEX?!
...and then the realization of small child/preteen synergist with uncontrollable telepathy and boom d-chips are back on and John is just like God damnit Cassie diD YOU FORGET ABOUT TELESEX?!?!?!
And first day of school, John refuses to leave the pre-k room because he’s a worry wort, a la John Stamos in Full House (hilarious episode)
He basically teaches their kid(s) how to play chess and be badass at the same time.
Cassie tells John to turn the TV off because he is just as enamored with Dora the Explorer as the kids are. (”But I’m learning Spanish! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW COOL THIS IS?!” “John, turn the TV off or I swear to God.”)
John stays up all night with the newborn(s)... for like two weeks straight because he is in uber protective and terrified dad mode. Until Cassie makes Stephen knock John out. He sleeps for 18 hours straight, and has a slight concussion.
Russell is never allowed to change diapers again.
No one in the Lair is allowed to use telekinesis to change diapers.
Especially Charlotte.
Okay, I’m done for now.
I think
Maybe
I’m so exhausted all of this is hysterical to me and I’m sorry.
