#syrupy thoughts

[orientalist]

i'm back after years and years and years. i forget tumblr exists pretty often and was reminded again of it yesterday. going through all my blogs, i know for a fact little girl me would have been in awe of me now. the idea of living past teengerhood was so unfathomable to me but here i am lol. so maybe i'm back, maybe i'm not, but for now know if i could do it, you can too <3.

[orientalist]

when sylvia plath said there's little a hot bath can't fix...i felt that.

[orientalist]

manic pixie dream girl check

[orientalist]

in my margot tenebaum era

[orientalist]

every couple of months I go back and play ANTI incessantly

[orientalist]

So I was going through a notebook of mine and I came across a poem called pure girls and fifteen poems later I had written one called slut for a day. I really do be cracking myself up sometimes.

[orientalist]

it's irrational

how angry i get when i stalk your spotify

and see you listening to artists i put you on

those were my treasures

treasures that i shared with you

and i feel as though you stole them

the audacity

it's irrational

how you come to mind when i hear a song

that i love that i know you'd love

i don't get to pity myself

after all, i'm the one who ended it

but those are my songs

it's irrational

how guilty i feel when i catch myself thinking of you

i ended things without explanation

the songs bring it all back

i had good reason

you'll never know though

it's irrational

how you drove me to what i'd never let myself do

you made me a ghost

transparent, therefore able to hold more weight

than my body could ever hold

you thought my brokenness meant that i could hold yours too

it's irrational

how your privaledged little self

acted so discriminated

hopping on and off trends

acting like youe were the reason

it's irrational

how unjustified my anger is

but fuck you for stealing my artists

fuck you for stealing my aesthetic

fuck you for getting to know me

for being someone you're not and then stealing my personality

maybe all these thoughts aren't an irrationality

[orientalist]

I was dusting my shelf today and I started going through the pile of old cards I had stacked at the bottom of the shelf. So many of those cards were from friends I had fallen out of touch with. I took pictures of two of the cards and DMed those friends. We follow each other, but we don't talk much anymore.

It's crazy how you spend time with people six hours a day, five days a week, know their secrets, and then once you graduate and start going to different schools, you go from becoming close friends, to friends, to acquaintances. You still remember all their secrets and all the things that hurt them, but none of that is relevant anymore. And eventually you become strangers, who have to think for a second before they recognize you. I guess that's getting older, but that growth is bittersweet all the same.