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me, a fool who is subject to a bit of russian roulette every time i drink coffee as to whether or not a wave of anxiety will upend me and fuck me up for a bit, odds worsened if I'm already stressed: well, looks like itll be a late night trying to get something done for work before morning, im a litle tired, lets have some insta coffee! this will not backfire.

me, still a fool, 30 minutes later, vibrating slightly: hmmmmmmmmmmm i cant believe this may have backfired.

#once i recover a little im sure ill be able to work and have the thing done by morning! this is fine and good. im very smart 😎#i used to blame this more om the coffee but after a good chunk of non anxiety jitter inducing coffees i think this MIGHT be correlated to #pre-existing stress #anyway once ive successfully vibrated out this panic wave ill be able to get work done B)#sysmelodrama #and then ill sleep before 4! probably. most likely. 🥳#update its 4:54 #but the big item is. roughly done. we're setting 5 alarms for 9 AM and its gonna be SO great #only an hour off!#now ideally the coffee cooperates....#update: woke up on time. powered through the workday. finished everything. now going to pass out for a short period of time. go me.

my brain and mental state MIGHT be doing a petulant freefall for many reasons, some of which i have yet to decipher, but two of my coworkers complimented me on being extremely articulate and nice to listen to in meetings so it all evens out 😌

#this post should be read with whistling wind in the background as the freefall continues #anyway. its gonna be all good! and also it was very nice of my coworkers to say that :'D #now if only i could actually GET work done...#sysrandom #sysmelodrama #BUT ALSO #good things

apparently all you need to get a break from general depression and anxiety so bad that you've had ongoing chest pain and severe nausea for 4 days straight, is to be gifted a set of three katanas and a set of sharpening stones?

seriously though, i dont think ive had this much serotonin at once for the past 8 months. but rn i have successfully freehand sharpened a kitchen knife on a whetstone, and have a functional (if not sharp) katana on my hip. i feel unbelievably powerful. this is fantastic.

#listen i know the overwhelming anxiety will kick back in tomorrow along with all the other hells of my current situation #but WHAT a fantastic and completely unintentional pair of birthday gifts :*D #time to learn to use a katana :*D #sysrandom #sysmelodrama #good things #(?)

gotta say, not a huge fan of playing the "is it the ash? covid? anxiety?" guessing game every time I feel short of breath

#me standing around with my mask and funky breathing: man i sure hope this is just the general ongoing anxiety and not Possible Death #sysmelodrama #not the biggest fan of the endtimes tbh #that one dog meme with the fire but actually

me, vaguely watching the coronavirus panic finally hit my school, flights to europe getting banned, more high profile infected people getting sick: okay, logically speaking its not the end of the world.

also me: fuck the apocalypse is gonna hit and i never learned emergency medicine and also maybe i should come out to my parents

also me: no like the world isnt ending. seriously. you still have to study for your exam tomorrow.

still me: ...man i cant believe the world is ending and i still have to fucking study haskell

#important note: i am not so much panicking as i am very very tired #sysrandom #sysmelodrama #sigh

how does one politely tell their parents that they should go to couples counselling

#i thought i was going to need to work through lunch. now i have both not eaten lunch AND not done the extra work. alas.#what. is happening. what is goin on. i have a meeting in 22 minutes maam what exactly do you want from me here #sysmelodrama #except. this one isnt even MY drama. like its not great!!! but also hey im not sure i can resolve this for u inbetween my. salad. nd meeting

*voice muffled from lying facedown on my bed trying to generate the willpower to operate like a regular person (eat food) and also do some catchup work before work tomorrow* well. at least i have my gay hyperfixation rabbit hole focus for my brain to bounce around like a basketball

#serotonin machine broke except for hyperspecific things which i am not revealing until three months from now when i am normal about it #again.#sysmelodrama #and even the part of the machine is working in the way that me going around jiggling the handles of candy dispensers SOMETIMES got me one o #two stray pieces 'worked' for getting me candy #like uh. Sure. Sure.#me lying facedown: well. this brain dip isnt THAT bad. because at least we remember im a lesbian!#okay girliepop did NOT quite eat dinner so maybe its granola bar time instead #i DID spend two hours writing a test case and then going. oh this behaviour is fucked actually! so. you know. theres that. wheeeeee #hellbrain

i cannot emphasize enough how unhelpful it is to have a hellscape of a brain that:

- spirals hard about saying the wrong things or the right things and not being too preachy but also being emphatic enough and also being emphathetic and considerate when a friend asks for help on a personal matter.

- spirals hard about whether it is apparent you are spiralling in the messages and also whether it even makes sense by the time youve hit the 30th iteration and are 4 4-paragraph long texts in.

- if you try to do a sanity check of some kind with another trusted friend you get. thats right. ANOTHER spiral. about the fact that the other friend now knows you spiral about these kinds of things.

- you also get an honorary spiral on top of the friend knowing abt u, about how it could alter THEIR treatment of you in the future and willingness to ask for help if this is what you end up doing. thats right. shame on you. look at all these Consequences.

- (there is a baby spiral about even HAVING all these spirals, like hey bitch what the hell. this- this doesnt even have to DO with you that is NOT the main item at hand right now. its bad enough that someone else knows but also why are you even Doing this in the first place??? what??? how is this the main focus here. you are giving advice to a friend. where did all this come from. what about your friend. what the fuck.)

- You Still Have The Main Spiral. Did The Message Even Make Sense. (Haha No?) Are You A Preachy Asshole. (Yes). This Spiral Is Still Going. Cannot Emphasize that enough. Its still fucking there. They're all spinning together.

- What the Fuck. I am in a hell of my own creation.

- Do I get another free bonus spiral for having made anyone following this blog witness this post. yes.

#haha. time to sleep. hah hah hajfhsahhahsgdahgfhahshfhahsh #okay i DO need to sleep bc i need to go into office tomorrow. and this fucking work thing is Not cooperating.#once the adrenaline shakes wear off. perhaps.#listen someday we're gonna get diagnosed with. Something. About this hell brain. and its gonna be. its gonna be a time.#sysmelodrama #god i hope. my friends. continue to trust me enough to ask me for help. i RECOGNIZE THAT SOUNDS COUNTERINTUITIVE BUT I DO.#lyin on tje floor so forlornly #what if i told u my brain does this always so at least when it does it about other people its. better.#Hell from friends not wanting to tell.me about their issues worse than the homemade tornado hell that occurs whenever i socialize.#oh god maybe i DO have anxiety. hmmm.

i cannot emphasize enough how unhelpful it is to have a hellscape of a brain that:

- spirals hard about whether it is apparent you are spiralling in the messages and also whether it even makes sense by the time youve hit the 30th iteration and are 4 4-paragraph long texts in.

- if you try to do a sanity check of some kind with another trusted friend you get. thats right. ANOTHER spiral. about the fact that the other friend now knows you spiral about these kinds of things.

- What the Fuck. I am in a hell of my own creation.

- Do I get another free bonus spiral for having made anyone following this blog witness this post. yes.

#sysmelodrama

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