hello! do you perhaps have any advice, or know of any resources for situations where the collective cannot agree on important decisions? like, say, some have come to absolutely hate a friend and want to cut off contact, some are still attached and would be very sad and griefing if the friendship is lost, some is thinking of compromising where only the ones who want to talk to that friend would do so (but will not work bc the ones who hate this person would still be exposed to them anyway bc of shared memory, when the healthiest thing to do for them is walk away. which also cannot work bc it will devastate the ones who want to stay friends with said person)
Hiya! Woof, our system really struggles with this ourselves! >_< and I don’t think we’re gonna have an easy, straightforward answer for you! We’re really sorry!! T_T But we can still try to share some stuff that our own system is working on when it comes to making decisions, if that’s okay!
Okay, so first off, communicate! >w<
It’s really important to keep up an open dialogue and communicate with each other, especially when it comes to making big decisions! If someone wants to do something, ask them why! And do the same for the headmates who don’t want to do something! And like, try not to make fun of, belittle, or lash out at headmates for being vulnerable and sharing their reasons for having a certain opinion! Not every headmate will think the same way or want the same things! So just talking to each other and trying to get everyone’s opinions can at least help y’all all get on the same page :33
Next, maybe try taking a vote!
Um, if the vast majority of the headmates in your system want something, and only a couple don’t maybe it would be worth it to do it anyway! But at the same time, keep in mind the feelings of the headmates who aren’t getting what they want or whose votes are being overruled. Maybe try explaining to them why the system as a collective is going to be making this choice in particular, and why those who voted for it believe it is the best choice!
But the biggest thing (at least for our sys!) is…
Compromising!!!
Making compromises is essential for every system. Yeah it sucks that not all headmates can always make their own choices or get what they want all the time, but compromising is a great way to help everyone feel seen, acknowledged, and find a path that more or less works for everyone! >w<
Okay, so let’s try and use your example (but keep in mind we don’t know you personally or your history, so please don’t take our potential compromise as the only solution here!)
You brought up a good compromise by saying that only the headmates who want to be in touch with this friend could do so, though it would impact the headmate who doesn’t want to be in touch because of shared memories. To further this compromise, maybe you could help this headmate access tools for proper emotional regulation and learning how to sit with, accept, and come to terms with painful memories and negative emotions. Everyone will form bad memories or experience bad emotions at some point or another in their lives! >_<” But equipping this headmate with the tools to manage their emotions in healthy ways might make it easier to live with the memories of other headmates interacting with this friend.
It’s impossible for anyone to live their whole lives without ever having to make a compromise… but for systems, we headmates may find that learning how to compromise is way more important than it is for singlets!!
I’ll be honest, many members of our system love wikihow and we (Ralsei and Margo) have personally gotten a lot of use out of wikihow over the years! We’re including a link to a wikihow article on compromising - maybe y’all could find some use in it!
Whether you're trying to compromise with your partner, a family member, or a coworker, the process will look similar. Start by finding out e
Also, if your system is in therapy, this would be a perfect subject to talk through with your therapist! They might have some good ideas or suggestions tailored to your system’s needs specifically, and could probably help y’all in ways that we won’t be able to!! >w<
Good luck to y’all though with figuring this out!! Gosh, we know that trying to make group decisions is not easy, especially when it comes to big things that headmates have opposing views on. We really hope though that y’all will be able to find ways to communicate and compromise in the future!! :33