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Bottom dysphoria vent

My experience with bottom dysphoria is frustrating at times, especially with how sexual i tend to be. In terms of my genitals the only part i'm dysphoric over is my clitoris, to the point that referring to it as that instead of a dick makes my stomach curl, but i use it here for clarity.

I find myself at a weird sexual crossroad being pre-t because the idea of t-dick is extremely appealing to the point that i really want to be touched there and feel someone's mouth there but then half the time touching it doesn't work for me beyond foreplay or just not at all. Sort of hate it being touched at all during vaginal penetration because i find it dulls the sensation internally and pulls me a bit out of the experience especially on more dysphoric days. The exceptions to this oddly enough is frotting, chemical play or feeling someone's bush rub against my dick while they top

i used to think i sort of loathed oral and would usually just do it briefly out of love for domming reasons or more for my partner's enjoyment than my own. Usually it would be me laying there enjoying the warmth of my partner's mouth and trying not to run down some dysphoric path while also keeping myself in the mood. Since then i've had plenty of people much more skilled at head go down on me to the point of occasional orgasm but generally unless i'm domming or in a very "god i wish i had a t-dick i need it touched so bad " mood , having my dick focused on is a strange mix of dysphoria and arousal.

I think finding relation to others on my kind of bottom dysphoria is hard. Nonbinary spaces are so broadly varied it's hard to find someone with the exact gender goals as you in the first place, let alone them writing about it. Transmasc spaces aren't much help either and when bottom dysphoria is discussed its generally about menstruation, having a vaginal canal. lamenting no bio penis or complaining about t-dick size. while i think these are all valid it's frustrating to not really relate with anyone's relationship with their clitoris. A lot of smut seems to assume there's no dysphoria in that area or you're already on T. Generally (good ) smut views clitoral stimulation as one of the most amazing ways to get off and i just don't feel the same. I think being on t would help immensely with my enjoyment of being touched there although i think penetration will always win out of the two.

I feel like during sex when my dick is being touched i either have to choose to try and ignore my dysphoria through certain language and pretending i have a t-dick or just....ignore part of my genitals entirely

This whole thing is so rambley

I think most trans people can relate to the frustration of navigating dysphoria during sex and having to explain to every new partner the cheat code of your genitals, but god i wish my cheat code was at least a bit more consistent day to day. Every time i have sex it feels like a spin of the wheel on how and if i want to be touched there at all. I think it's one of many reasons i'm t4t, other trans people in my life can't relate to my exact flavour of dysphoria but at least i feel genuinely understood in some way

#original writing #dysphoria #bottom dysphoria #nonbinary #t-dick